Friday, September 30, 2005

Blown Jobs - Joe Kennedy Edition

I decided to take a closer look at each and every one of the blown saves recorded by the members of the A's bullpen this year and see how many are really the direct result of Macha's bullpen "management."

First up: Joe Kennedy.

Blown Save Number: 1
Oakland at Texas

Joe Blanton got off to a rocky start at Texas, giving up three runs in the first two innings. He struggled his way through four more innings, but managed not to allow another run. He can thank Jay Payton and his spectacular, backwards-diving, wall-clashing catch for that.

Our A's managed to climb back into the game, scoring two runs in the fifth and two runs in the sixth. Our 4-3 lead was anything but secure heading into the bottom of the sixth. That's when Ken Macha turned to Joe Kennedy as the first man out of the 'pen. Joe effing Kennedy. In the span of four batters, the lead was gone.

Luckily, the Rangers only scored one and we added on to secure the win.

Oakland - 6, Texas - 4

Counting on Joe Kennedy to protect a one-run lead in Arlington?

That was stupid.

So who takes the blame for Joe Kennedy's first blown save as an Athletic?

Blown Save Number: 2
Kansas City at Oakland

A pitcher's duel finds our A's and Kansas City's Royals tied at zero heading into the bottom of the sixth inning. Joe Blanton finally got some run support, as Crosby, Johnson and Payton knocked in a run each.

The 3-0 lead held up until the eighth inning, when Macha handed the ball over to Jay Witasick. The first three batters he faces promptly reach base and his day is done.

Enter Joe Kennedy. Matt Stairs drives an 0-2 pitch for a double and the 3-0 lead is cut to 3-2. The next batter he faces is Emil Brown and our A's trade a run (and the lead) for an out when he grounds out to the shortstop. T-Long (aka Goggles Paisano) hits next and pops up a sacrifice fly to centerfield. Kansas City takes the lead and Kennedy's done.

Huston Street replaces Kennedy too little too late and retires Angel Berroa to end the inning. But the damage has already been done.

Our A's battle back to tie the game in the bottom of the eighth, but fail to score again. Duchscherer, Calero and Rincon all pitch in the extra frames. I wonder why none of them pitched in the eighth? Oh, that's right...'cause Ken Macha is a damn fool.

Kansas City - 5, Oakland - 4

Handing the ball over to Jay Witasick and Joe Kennedy in an eighth inning save situation when Duchscherer, Calero and Rincon were all available?

That was stupid.

Two blown saves for Kennedy and Macha's responsible for both. And one of those led to a loss. Which brings me to my latest feature.

Up next: Jay Witasick

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Oh God Make It Stop!!!!

Here's a question: What would be a worse disaster than Chernobyl, Mt. Vesuvius, and Jimmy Fallon put together?


What in the name of all that is good and holy in this world is going on? All year we were told that Macha was gone after this season. "He's frustrated with Billy," the reports said. "He wants to manage in Pittsburgh," they proclaimed. "He wants to be near the Pennsylvania Mayo Clinic in case they ever find a cure for being a complete fucking asshole." Regardless, we all thought he was gone. The dipshit who singlehandedly steered a playoff caliber team right out of the playoffs the last two seasons would be replaced by anybody and/or anything, and the team would instantly be about 5-6 games better.

Then this happens. You've got to be fucking kidding me! Seriously, I would rather exhume Thomas Malthus' 200 year old rotting corpse and repeatedly skullfuck the bastard than ever see Macha the moron mismanage more games, lineups, and pitching staffs. And I'm straighter than a damn line.

Ok, let's get ahold of ourselves here. Just because "negotiations" are ongoing doesn't mean fucknut is coming back. We negotiated with Giambi, Damon, and Foulke as well, and they ain't in Oakland. And Bob Geren is Billy's best friend. His best man, for christ's sake. Ken Macha needs help wiping the slobber off his face. These could simply be perfunctory negotiations to raise interest among other teams, so they'll quickly swoop in and steal him. Billy, you magnificent bastard. What a great plan.

But it could also mean that Macha is coming back, which would be the worst thing that has EVER happened to this franchise. And that's saying a lot.

If Macha comes back, we're going to need a Jack Ruby to murder Macha's Lee Harvey Oswald, because I'm pretty sure that Macha killed Jack Kennedy. Not with a gun, mind you, but because ol' John Boy didn't want to live in a world where Macha would become a manager 39 years later, so he just made a pre-emptive strike. Kennedy may have failed miserably with Cuba, Russia, East Germany, and choosing Mansfield over Monroe, but you gotta hand it to him over his Macha policies.

In summation, I do not want Macha to return.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

He Finally Made a Macha out of Us

Thanks for making a Macha-ry of the season, Ken.

First things first. Yes, I know that's a gorilla. Google didn't have any good monkey pictures, but seriously, outside of anthropologists and fags, does anybody really give a shit? Well fuck you, too.

Anyway, the season is over. After watching the Los Analess Anals of Assaheim celebrate on our field for the second year in a row, the boys in green and gold will once again be home for the playoffs, and we have Macha to blame. My esteemed colleague has already gone over the Septembers to Dismember, but I'd just like to point out that at least under Howe, we saved our chokes until October.

Did anybody else get a chuckle over the fact that Macha FINALLY took Hatteberg out of the lineup last night? The guy is 4 for his last 45. He's got a .684 OPS for the season, which makes him the 4th worst hitter in the American League. His last 3 months have seen him post OPS' of .671, .632, and .545. And he's our DH. Designated hitter? More like designated shitter! HA! And Macha refused to take him out of the lineup until the season was basically over. 60% of his 453 AB's came from either the 4th or 5th spot in the lineup. And you wonder why this team struggled to consistently score runs? Yeah, me neither.

Oh, and good call starting Joke Ennedy (copyright Stewiee, 2005) last night. It's not like it was a must win or anything. It's not like one more loss and we'd have been eliminated from playoff contention or anything. It's not like Rich Harden threw 2 perfect innings last night, his final pitched clocked at 100 mph or anything. It's not like he was more than capable of doing better than the 3 inning, 4 run performance from Joke Ennedy that WE ALL SAW COMING. Except you of course, Ken. In the most important games and important spots, you go with the scrubs of the team. God you are such a fucking moron. Don't you see that putting in the losers during crunch time is one of the many things you do that cost us games? And seasons? Idiot.

Oh, and awesome call not pinch running for Melhuse last night. In 2001, Derek Jeter collected an errant throw and flipped it to Jorge Posada to nail Jeremy Giambi at the plate, in a play that I believe ESPN may have shown one or two times since then. Ok, Giambi was safe, and the ump blew the call. So what? Giambi shouldn't have been on the bases in the first place. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "Eric Byrnes would have been sipping gatorade in the dugout by the time Jeter made that flip." And you were there, Ken. You watched it from the bench. Well, actually, you were probably asleep at the time, but you should have read about it in the papers. And last night, you did the exact same fucking thing. Slow-footed Melhuse on the bases, fleet-footed Bynum on the bench. Swisher doubles, Melhuse held at third. Bynum would have scored on the play. Melhuse (shockingly) was left stranded. We lost the game by one run. Nice job, Ken. That lesson learning thing is one your most admirable traits.

But the Macha countdown now stands at 5 games. 5 more meaningless games, and then he's gone. And we can celebrate. No more Macha business. Macha see, Macha not do. Brass Macha. That chalka Macha. Ok, no more. 2004 and 2005 are done. But 2006 will be a Macha-free year.

He made a Macha-ry of the past. But he won't do it to the future. And thank fucking God for that.

In summation, Macha is a fucking asshole.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

September Pretenders

I have to admit, choking in September is a lot less frustrating than choking in October. You'd think that slowly blowing a shot at the World Series over a month-long period would be a lot more painful than quickly witnessing your dreams disappear after three short games, but it isn't. Who'd of thunk it? It's like the exact opposite of the Band-Aid theory.

Record as of August 31st
2004: 78-53
2005: 75-57

Record as of September 30th
2004: 90-69
2005: 87-73*

*Projecting a 2-2 record with 4 games to play this month. And that's being optimistic.

So in September of 2004, our mighty A's went 12-16. This September I'm projecting that they'll go (surprise, surprise) 12-16. Watching this team slowly let a playoff berth slip away for the second year in a row is a lot less agonizing than the first time around. I guess I'm getting used to the choking.

Last August, Greg, I and some other IMBBs (don't ask) planned an October trip to Vegas for a weekend of drunkenness, debauchery and Oakland A's playoff baseball. When I made my plans, our boys were 16 games over .500. Then they went and rolled off 13 wins in 14 games. We were sittin' pretty. Everything was setting up perfecting. What's that saying about the best-laid plans?

The September collapse was new and surprising.

Check out the September records of the ALDS choke artists:

September W-L
2003: 14-11
2002: 18-8
2001: 17-4
2000: 21-7

These a-holes had the audacity to get our hopes up. They were playing their best ball of the year heading into the playoffs. Remember in 2000 when the Yankees backed into the playoffs with a 13-17 September record? They lost their last seven regular season games, and 14 of their final 17. And they beat us.

No problem. We all knew that team was going to be "our worst club over the next five years". Hell of an effort. We'll get 'em next year. All that bullshit. Then September after effing September, Oakland played it best baseball of the year only to disappear in October.

It was the bitch we call September that set up the disappointment. She slid her hand down our pants. She got down on her knees. What a whore.

At least now she's knocked off the cock-tease. Ain't nothing worse than a pair of blue balls.

Sure, I got my hopes up in July and August. I thought maybe they could do it. What a great story it would have been. I should've known better.

Fool me once...

Friday, September 23, 2005

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Just forfeit the remaining 9 games. It'd be a lot better than watching the Angels celebrate on our field for the 2nd year in a row, making them the 5th team in the last 6 years to do so.

Just forfeit. It'd be a lot better than watching Macha continually put Scott Hatteberg into the lineup.

Just forfeit. It'd be a lot better than watching Macha try and pretend he knows how to manage a pitching staff (although his only fuckup tonight was his lineup).

Just forfeit. Why risk any long term injuries when it's clear the players have already given up?

Just forfeit. Because I know I'll get Hudler and Physioc on the Extra Innings package, and I don't want to have to listen to those idiots.

Just forfeit. Because Roman and I need to get cracking on our Fire Geren blog.

Just forfeit. Why should Stanfurd rugby be the only cowardly, gutless bunch of losers in the Bay Area?

Just forfeit. They're all just going through the motions anyway. They're tired. They're sleepy. It's been a long, tough, arduous year of choking EVERY SINGLE TIME it matters. They desperately want to join Mr. Kangaroo in dreamy-dream land. So why don't we let them.

Just forfeit. Wake them up when September ends; I'm sure they're all anxious to hit those tees bright and early on October 3rd.

So just forfeit.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Piniella in '06?

With the news coming out that Lou Piniella won't be returning to Tampa Bay in 2006, douche bags all over the internet have been clamoring for Billy Beane to go out out and get him. In one short day, I've heard 'em all.

"We need a no-nonsense, kick 'em in the pants kind of manager."

"We need someone who acutally knows what a hit-and-run is."

"He'd be perfect."


We don't need Lou Piniella. I think the A's have proven over the past six years that they don't need a fiery, small-balling manager to be successful.

Playing well enough to get to the playoffs is the goal.* One game out of 810 is all that separates our Oakland A's from five straight playoff appearances. And, for the sake of argument, let's say that we fall short by about four games of making it six years in a row. That'd be four games out of the 972 total regular season games played that are the difference between making the playoffs four years in a row and making the playoffs six years in a row.

Is a hell-raising manager really going to make THAT big of a difference?


If Lou Piniella had been the manager of the Oakland A's since 2000, would he have been able to manufacture the amount of runs necessary to make it six years in a row?

I dunno.

How many runs does Mike Scioscia cost his team with botched hit-and-runs, wouldbe base-stealers being caught, popped-up bunts, etc. And how many runs does GIVING the opposing team an out with a SUCCESSFUL sacrifice bunt cost?

Hell if I know.

But you know what, for a fact, is standing between our A's and six straight playoff appearances?

A manager that can handle a bullpen.

The A's blew 28 saves last season. Only 11 of those were because Rhodes and Dotel failed to do their job (surprising, ain't it?). That leaves 17 instances when Macha made a call to the bullpen when WE HAD THE LEAD. And as you all know, we lost the division by just one game. And we're going to lose the division again this season because of Macha's inability to manage his bullpen.

The philosophy, while far from perfect, is proven. Like it or not, it works...IF the person left in charge of executing it isn't a moron.

Managing the Oakland A's is the easiest job in all of sports. Ken Macha doesn't have to worry about calling sacrifice bunts, putting runners in motion, double switching, none of that. All he has to do is write the line-up and manage the bullpen. Unfortunately for us fans, he's terrible at both.

All I ask of our next manager (read: Bob Geren) is that he perform those two tasks admirably. If only four games are all that is separating the Oakland A's from six straight playoff appearances, Geren doesn't have to be perfect. He just can't be a Ken Macha.

*It could be argued, of course, that just getting to the playoffs ISN'T the goal, but I (me, Roman) believe that a 162-game sample size is more indicative of how well a plan works than a five-game series followed by two seven-game series.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Oakland A's Lose to Triple A's

The Twins had only THREE legitimate major leaguers in their starting line-up today. And only one of those is a legitimate everyday regular. So WHY, Joe Kennedy, were you pitching to these assholes like they were the fucking '27 Yankees? Walks to Tyner, Bartlett and Rivas??? Are you fucking kidding me?

Throw strikes, you idiot. If you can't do that, what the hell are you good for?

2005 Stats

Jason Tyner
Minor League ABs: 524
Major League ABs: .28

Jason Bartlett
Minor League ABs: 229
Major League ABs: 195

Matthew LeCroy
Minor League ABs: ..0
Major League ABs: 273

Justin Morneau
Minor League ABs: ..0
Major League ABs: 452

Michael Cuddyer
Minor League ABs: ..9
Major League ABs: 382

Terry Tiffee
Minor League ABs: 229
Major League ABs: 131

Chris Heintz
Minor League ABs: 329
Major League ABs: .11

Nick Punto
Minor League ABs: .15
Major League ABs: 364

Luis Rivas
Minor League ABs: 145
Major League ABs: 119

And are you telling me that our group of "sluggers" couldn't manage any more than two damn hits in the first four innings off of another rookie? What a joke.

Scott Baker
Minor League IPs: 134.2
Major League IPs: .37.2

If this team can't beat Scott fucking Baker and the rest of the Rochester Red Wings, they don't deserve to go to the playoffs.

And you know what? I bet we would have lost even if Rich Harden was pitching. If our guys are going to lay eggs versus the likes of Scott Baker, Ervin Santana and Felix Hernandez, they sure as HELL aren't going to do what it takes to make it out of the ALDS. And I'm not really in the mood to see my favorite team make another first round exit. So make up your minds, you assholes. And swing the bats, you idiots.

Oh, and Macha...stop being a cock-sucker.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Membership Has Its Privileges

The drive across Texas is a long and boring one. The distance between El Paso and Austin is about one hundred miles more than the distance between Sacramento and San Diego. I had to make that drive with a buddy of mine twice in three days for a meeting with a bunch of douche bags. I'm not a big fan of driving long distances, but I'm also not a big fan of paying speeding tickets or dying. So I set the cruise control at the speed limit + 4 mph. Yeah, I'm a pussy like that, but whatev.

My buddy Patrick, on the other hand, he's a fucking speed demon. He'll set he cruise control at the speed limit + 15 mph. Taking sharp curves at 90 mph doesn't seem to bother him one bit. He'll tailgate cars in the fast lane until they move out of his way. And tickets? Fuck 'em.

So it didn't surprise me when he got pulled over within the first two hours of our little journey. Fortunately, the cop let us go without so much as a stern talking to. And he was almost apologetic for pulling us over. I could have been sniffing cocaine with two hookers over in the passenger's seat and this pig wouldn't have even noticed. Or cared.

This was pretty much the same case the two other times Patrick got pulled over.

"Let me just write you up a warning and you can be on your way."

--Officer Dumbfuck
So why didn't Patrick get a ticket any of the three times he got pulled over? Because he's one of "them." He's become quite the expert at strategically opening his wallet so that a traffic officer can conveniently notice his El Paso Police Department badge.

This should bother me a bit, but it doesn't. Sure, we wouldn't have gotten off so lightly if that were me driving. But I don't really have a problem with cops giving each other those professional courtesies. It happens everywhere. If there's one lesson I learned from my dear old dad growing up, it's that life isn't fair. And it's true. Just ask the Republicans.

With that in mind, I think Ken Macha should really consider advertising his ineptitude. If he wore one of those sandwich billboards proclaiming to the world that he was a moron, I'd probably be more forgiving, and more importantly, opposing managers might cut him some slack.

If opposing managers knew that they weren't playing on a level playing field with Macha, surely they'd take it a little easy on our lovable loser. Maybe instead of just exchanging line-ups, they'd hand over every bit of vital information.

"Hey, Mach. Here's my line-up. And here's my list of reserves. And here's my signs. If you want to steal 'em, don't worry about it. Oh, and if we're in a close game late and you bring in Rincon, I'm going to bring in LeCroy. And he crushes fastballs, so you might want to work him away with off-speed junk. If you need help with anything else that comes up, just give me a ring. Here's my cell phone number"

--Ron Gardenhire
Do you know why basketball referees don't call traveling on five-year-olds? Or why a down syndrome child gets away with eating ice cream with his hands? Or why I don't get too upset with my dog when he licks his own dick? Because none of them know any better. And everyone knows it.

Macha's appearance is very deceiving. He doesn't look all that retarded, but he obviously is. All he has to do is come clean about his short-comings. Baseball is a gentleman's game and limitless professional courtesies would surely come Macha's way if he just took my advice.

So the next time Macha tried to bring in Keiichi fucking Yabu to face Manny Ramirez with the bases loaded, Terry Francona would surely run out, stop him and call for Huston Street. That'd just make things a whole lot easier for everyone.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Final Countdown

Remember this song? Of course you do. And even if you don't, I guarantee that if you heard it, you'd recognize it. That awful synthesizer melody, the talentless musicians...bands like this were why 80s heavy metal failed. Will there ever be another Monkees?

But I digress. With Macha's departure all but a certainty, we've entered the final countdown to his finally being somewhere else. 13 games left. 14 days. And then he's gone. Oh, thank you Jesus. We've already gone over all of Macha's ridiculously stupid decisions. Perhaps there will be a book someday. It'll be called, "God damn what a fucking moron." But for now, all we can do is celebrate. Celebrate like the New Year's ball is dropping, except when it does, you won't have to sing "Auld Lang Syne" like a god damn faggot. Celebrate like you've never celebrated before.

Will this team make the playoffs? It has a good shot. I don't think it will, because I think that Macha's best work is yet to come. And when I say "best work," I mean that in the way that implies Macha is an idiot. I think that Macha will singlehandedly cost us a playoff birth for the second consecutive year, and then he'll ride out of town on a horse with no name, but the jockey sure as hell won't be nameless. His name will be "Asshole." But maybe I'll be surprised, and we'll get to the playoffs, where Macha can reprise the brilliance that was the 2003 ALDS. Who knows?

14 days. 13 games. Then no more Macha.

We're leaving together,
But still it's farewell
But maybe we'll come back
To Earth, Who can tell?

It's the Final Countdown.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

That's Just Macha being Macha

Ho hum. Another day, another 1 run loss. Another day, another 2 GIDP's. That makes 17 in the last 8 games. Macha, given two situations with 2 on and 0 out, elected not to try and steal, or hit and run, or bunt. Alas, he let the team that has a major league leading 141 GIDP's hit into 2 more, squelching two rallies, killing two innings, and costing us the game.

Tonight, the culprits were Johnson and Chavez, two guys who are a combined 4 for their last 41. Is there really a downside to not putting the game in motion? Arroyo isn't a strikeout pitcher, and Varitek is the Jason Kendall of sucking at throwing out baserunners. Combine that with the fact that our hitters don't strike out, and bamn! you've got the perfect recipe for a hit and run. But Macha continues to sit on his ass, not trying something new during desperate times. You can set your watch to these double plays, but sadly, the inaudible beeps of a watch alarm aren't waking Macha up from his daily 3 hour slumber.

Do I blame the team wide offensive slump on Macha? Surely, he's a part of it. Last year, we watched him run the regulars ragged during the season, refusing to give them days off in July and August, so by the time September rolled around, they were shells of their former selves, and stumbled to the finish line losing 17 of their final 30 games that counted.

Was Macha paying attention to that? Well, obviously not, but in all fairness to Ken, it's tough to be noticing things while you're asleep on the dugout bench. But Macha is the one who refuses to take Hatte's corpse out of the lineup. Chavez has had a grand total of 1 day off all season; he's pretty much dead. Payton has had one day off since July 23rd; he's in a 4 for 22 slump. Dan Johnson hasn't had a rest since July 21st. You see what's happening, Ken? The off days you refuse to give these guys during the summer manifest themselves during the fall. You're overseeing yet another September chokejob, and it's probably 75% your fault. I know you can't understand, seeing not only that you never had more than 107 AB's in a season, but also because you're a fucking moron who probably can't even put on his pants without falling over.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, Ken. Put the game in motion more. Sit Hatte's ass on the bench, and insert the backup catcher that had an 1.141 August OPS. Give Bocachica a couple of games while Payton rests up. That would help the lineup. And then go stab yourself in the brain because you're a fucking retard who has singlehandedly cost us 10-15 games the last two years by being a fucking retard. You are the single dumbest human being in history, and never have a clue what's going on. The good news is that next year when you're in Pittsburgh, you won't be able to fuck up a playoff team and make it a non-playoff team; you'll simply take a mediocre team and make it worse than that. Costing your team wins is what you do best.

But that's just Macha being Macha.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Yabu Dabu D'oh

Macha's Stone-Age Brainpower strikes again

Sometimes you eat the bear, sometimes the bear eats you. All of the time, Macha is a god damn retard. Thursday night, Ken Macha brings in Huston Street to close out a 4 run lead in the 9th inning.

"He had two days off and I'm not playing a statistical game right now," Macha said. "There's only one statistic and that's to win the game. You've got to go with your best guy, and for me, tonight, that's a save situation."
Ok, fair enough, Ken. With every game a must win, you want to make absolutely sure we win every game. So let me ask you this: With the bases loaded and one out, and Manny Ramirez at the plate, what on earth could possibly possess you to bring in anybody EXCEPT Huston Street, who was already warm? Yabu has pitched 3 times in 16 days, and you bring him in with the game on the line? There was only one way that story was going to end, and that was with a loss. You'd either have to be blind or a moron not to see that coming. Guess which one of the two you just happen to be? (Hint: You're a moron). Just so I've got this straight, you're more than willing to bring in your best reliever to protect a 4 run lead, but for the times when you REALLY need him, like last night for instance, you go with your 6th best option out of the pen? Ok. Nice work, Ken.

Of course, that was only your second egregious mistake of the inning, as removing Duke after he had recorded 7 outs, 4 by strikeout, in only 27 pitches in what was easily the best game he's ever pitched in his life, was also idiotic. You had one more inning for Duke, and then 2 for Street, and in the meantime you try to score a run off of the worst bullpen in baseball. Managing this game through the 12th inning was a no-brainer, and you fucked it up. God damn I hate you.

You totally fucked this up, Ken. You brought in the wrong guys for the wrong situations, and it burned you. As it says up top, you are a moron and I hate you.

Cold as Iceberg

In April 1912, the Titanic sank after it collided with an iceberg. If it had collided with a Hatteberg, would it have sunk twice? Seriously, am I the only one getting really fucking sick of all of these double plays? Get him out of the god damn lineup, Ken. He's killing us. 99% of the time, a Scott Hatteberg at-bat will result in him hitting a ground ball somewhere between 1st and 2nd base. There's a reason he's hit into 22 double plays this year, and it's because he sucks. Put Melhuse in the fucking lineup, asshole. And why the hell didn't you at least have Payton attempt a steal off of a guy who throws the ball 65 miles per hour, and versus a catcher who throws out 23% of his baserunners (these two events are related, btw). That way, when Hatte hits his inevitable grounder to second, it would be a run-scoring groundout rather than an inning ending double play. That 3rd run might have come in handy, no? I'm just saying, is all.

Did you bet your mortgage on a 2nd place finish? Because it sure as hell seems that way. Or maybe you're just an asshole.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Friday Ramblings

Curt Schilling is a douche bag. Nice hair, asswipe.

David Ortiz isn't the MVP.

Jason Kendall is.

Joe Blanton continues to impress. He may not be a bonafide "number two" yet, but he's close.

Mark Ellis is dreamy. And the real Comeback Player of the Year.

Sixth Street in Austin is filled with the hottest college co-eds in the country.

Sixth Street in Austin is where I'll be tonight.

And tomorrow night.

Boston is filled with the ugliest people in the country.

Scott Hatteberg has one hit in his last 14 ABs.

Adam Melhuse doesn't have a single AB in that time.

What I will miss because of my trip to Austin:

  • Oakland @ Boston, Game 2
  • Houston at UTEP (Watch the nation's best offense on ESPN2 tonight)
  • Michigan State @ Notre Dame
  • Oakland @ Boston, Game 3
  • The NFL on Sunday

Joe Kennendy better not suck ass tonight.

Ken Macha is still a retard.

Enjoy your weekend, douche bags. I know I will.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Fuck You

You mother fucker. You stupid worthless asshole. You god damn rectum-wrecking scrotum-sucking testicle-tasting prostate-probing Cowper's-cupping anus-eating semen-swallowing fucktard. How fucking stupid can one person be?

Nice god damn managing tonight, you white-haired cuntrag. What game were you watching, and on what universe were you living where Zito had the command and ability to get through that 7th inning?

Kill yourself. Just do it. You're so fucking worthless that there isn't any point to your living anymore. Your lineups are beyond idiotic. Leave Kennedy in too long, take Saarloos out too early, leave Zito in too long, chew your gum, kick the bathroom door, just fucking kill yourself. Take an exacto knife and slit your jugular. Nobody will miss you, we promise.

God damn you're such a mother fucking asshole. I've taken shits that have subsequently taken shits that were smarter than you.

I hate you. I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Kill yourself because I hate you. You're so fucking stupid and I hate you.


One Pitch Too Late

But isn't that always the case? You're supposed to pull your pitcher BEFORE he gives up the big hit, you dumb bastard. Last night it was Broussard, tonight it was Belliard. I like how you trotted out to the mound after Zito managed to get Victor Martinez to swing at ball four for the first out of the inning. No matter that if Martinez hadn't have swung, the bases would have been loaded. No matter that Kiko Calero was warmed-up and ready. I'm sure all that mattered to your stupid ass was that Zito "got him." He showed some real balls. So you left him in. But not before checking with him to make sure his feelings wouldn't get hurt if you pulled him.
"I'm okay, Skip. Go back to the bench and enjoy another stick of Juicy Fruit, you gum-chewing cock-sucker."

--Barry Zito, to Ken Macha
And like the spineless, gum-chewing cock-sucker that you are, that's exactly what you did. And before you could say, "Man, this gum is so damn tasty," Ronnie Belliard had taken Zito deep. Deeper even than you take Scott Hatteberg's meat.

That's back-to-back nights that you single-handedly cost us the game. And by my count, you're 16th of the year. So here's to you. Happy Sweet Sixteen, you cum-guzzling pussy. Maybe daddy will get you a shiny, new dildo.

Back in Black

Black, the color of the stuff I was vomitting on Sunday. Talk about disgusting. Have you ever barfed so hard that it felt like your stomach was squeezing the life out of your lungs. Which led to your lungs clenching your heart like a vise grip? I have. And believe you me, it isn't pleasant.

About five years ago, I was the puke king . I'd come home in a drunken stupor, crank out about a dozen push-ups and sit-ups and up would come the alcohol. I wouldn't even have to stick a finger down my throat. All that was left was a quick crank call to the ex and off to sleepy land I went. No spinning room. No morning hangover. Just some weird-ass dreams. Ahhh...those were the days.

In addition to the vomitting this weekend, there was also the fever, the chills, the headache, the diarrhea (cha cha cha), the sore kidney and the extreme pain in my spine. What a nice welcome home that was. I seem to be feeling better today, thanks for asking. Guess it was just one of those 24-hour things.

I'd like to give some major props (that word is so damn silly) to the misses for taking care of me during my near-death experience. No one cooks chicken noodle like you, babe. The mother-in-law also deserves some props (tee hee) for getting me about two year's worth of soup and Gatorade while the wife was busy throwing my silly ass in the freezing shower. Hey Katrina victims, party at my house!

As sick as I felt on Sunday, nothing made me more nauseous than Macha's bullpen management these past couple of games. The guy's retarded. He's not just a moron, he's mentally defective.

In Monday's game, he took out Ricardo Rincon (a lefty) in favor of Justin Duchscherer (a righty) with Coco Crisp due up. Coco's a switch-hitter, so this move would lead one to believe that he's weaker from the left side of the plate. Before I can pull up his splits, a graphic flashes on my screen

A.L. Highest Average
vs Righties

Coco Crisp .... CLE . .341
Brian Roberts . BAL . .335
Michael Young . TEX . .329
Travis Hafner . CLE . .324
Joe Mauer ..... MIN . .322

He's at the top of the fucking list!!!! Our mongoloid manager was damn lucky that Coco didn't tie the game up with one swing of his bat. Which brings us to yesterday's game...

Ben Broussard entered the game with 13 of his 16 homeruns coming off of right-handers. In the 7th, Jay Witasick put his first pitch to Broussard right in his wheelhouse and Ben made him pay for it. I hope Chavy was taking notes. Make that 14 of his 17 homeruns off of righties.

In the 8th, Macha handed the ball over Duchscherer. After quickly getting out Jhonny Peralta, Travis Hafner and Victor Martinez got back-to-back singles. No one got up in the bullpen. Unless our defense managed to turn a double play, Ben Broussard would bat this inning. And since Jason Kendall's on OUR team, the odds of that happening were slim to none. Still, Ricardo Rincon sat on his ass in the bullpen. After a tough battle with Ronnie Belliard, which Duchscherer won, up came big Ben Broussard.

A GOOD manager would have had a lefty ready to come in. With the game tied up, just one out separating his team from getting to swing the bats again, any non-retarded manager would have brought a lefty in. Rincon, Flores, Kennedy, Dan Johnson, whoever. Cleveland didn't have ANYONE worth jackshit on their bench they could have countered with. Jose Hernandez (.267 Avg/.722 OPS vs lefties) isn't scaring anyone.

Just put the team in the best damn position to win! But NOOOOOO, this douche bag got cute again and again his stupid-ass "strategy" failed. Make that 15 of Broussard's 18 homeruns off of right handers. And there sat that gum-chewing asshole, sitting on his hands, day-dreaming about how great it's going to be managing in his hometown.

Now down by three, with only three outs to score them in, Macha single-handedly managed to put his team in the worst possible position to win. That's about 15 wins that can be directing attributed to him. And he got Dan Johnson hurt. I hate him so damn much.


"I Hate You so Damn Much"

While getting the biographical information on Ken Macha for one of last week's entry, I decided to sporsor that douche bag's page on

It SEEMED like a pretty painless process.

In order to sponsor a page, you need to:

1. Get a membership account.
2. Go to the page you wish to sponsor and click on the "sponsor" link in the colored box. For multiple sponsorships, see below.
3. We will walk you through how to make a payment and how to set up your message.
4. Pending our approval of your message (usually within 24 hours), your sponsorship will then appear on the site.
5. If you want to sponsor multiple pages using a single payment, total the price of the pages and send a single payment.

Well, three days later, like a fucking monkey, I'm still checking that douche bag's page for my sponsorship to appear. Nothing. So I send off an e-mail. A couple of days later I get a response.
"I've been debating whether to allow it as I try to keep the negative sponsorships relatively tame."

--Sean Forman,
They're the pussies, but I'M the one that sounds like one. "I'm not a fan of Ken Macha's managing"??? Hell, that might as well read, "I like rainbows, lollipops and kitty cats, but I think Ken Macha smells like poop."

Anyway, that wasn't my original line. And, for the record, I drop-kick cats for fun.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Going Back to Cali

File under: Off-Topic Off Day

Not that I'm actually from California, but I'll be going back there tomorrow. For a wedding. Weddings suck. And when you don't particularly agree with the decision the two lovebirds have made, dishing out a grand for a three-day trip hurts that much more.

What I will miss while I am gone:
  • Oakland @ Texas, Game 1
  • Notre Dame @ Michigan
  • Texas @ Ohio State
  • Oakland @ Texas, Game 2
  • Ginepri vs Agassi (yes, I watch tennis)
  • Oakland @ Texas, Game 3
  • Dallas @ San Diego (yes, I'm a Cowboy fan)

Fucking family. I hate 'em all.

Maybe Greg will get off his ass and keep you entertained in my absence.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

"Fucking Family. I Hate 'Em All."

That line in my last entry caught my attention and helped me realize what today was.

Happy birthday, Dad.

I Just Saved Money on my Car Insurance

Just kidding. I didn't save any money on my car insurance. I DID, however, get a notice in my mail saying that I was involuntarily changing agents. I didn't think anything of it.

Roman: "Hey, where IS our new agent, anyway?"

The Wife: "I dunno. I'll find out. Maybe my sister knows."

Roman: "Your sister? She got switched too?"

The Wife: "Yeah. My mom too."

Roman: "What the? Is Manny (the agent) moving or something?"

The Wife: "No, it's because of the fight."

Roman: "The fight??? What fight?"

The Wife: "I didn't tell you? My sister got in a big fight with Manny and I guess he transferred us to someone else."

Roman: "Fuck."

The Wife: "What?"

Roman: "Nothing."

Now I'm probably on some insurance black list. One fender bender and my rates are going to go through the fucking roof. I just know it. Fucking family. I hate 'em all.

Anyway, back to the good news: Lloyd McClendon got fired. HOORAY!!!

His replacement? Oh I don't know. How 'bout this guy?

Kenneth Edward Macha
Born: September 29, 1950 in Monroeville, PA (less than 15 miles east of Pittsburgh)
School: University of Pittsburgh
Drafted: Pittsburgh Pirates in the 6th round of the 1972 amateur draft.

Oakland fans react.

"Let the grass-eating master of Tae Kwon Do-NOTHING take his tired act to Pittsburgh."

--SaintOakland, Macha to Pittsburgh campaign manager
"And this can't be more of a distraction to our team than the non-stop, jaw-flapping, gum-chewing he does in the dugout."

--chavvy03, on why the McClendon firing won't be a distraction to the Oakland team
"The fact that Macha could kick my ass should we ever throw down kind of bothers me. I guess no one deserves to be both physically AND mentally defenseless. Good for you Kenny."

--Carney_4, with just an all-around hilarious quote
Just gotta hope Jim Leyland dies before the year ends so we can send this silver-haired fool back home.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I Have Seen the Light

Injuries have taken on their toll on this club, but I didn't realize just how screwed we were until this past Sunday night.

"And the big bats are due up for the Athletics: Ellis, Chavez and Hatteberg."

--John Miller
Reality had just bitch-slapped me in the face. To an outside, impartial observer, Ellis, Chavy and Hatteberg are our big bats. I wanted to call him a dope. I wanted to call him a moron. But I couldn't. I instantly recognize the reality of our situation.

Because of the injuries and with Dan Johnson and Nick Swisher struggling, Mark Ellis, Eric Chavez and Scott Hatteberg ARE our big bats.

"We're fucked. Like REALLY fucked."

--Roman, to no one in particular
And just like that I turned off the game and left the room. We were already losing 6-2. The outcome wasn't in doubt.

I wasn't mad. I wasn't frustrated. I was depressed. And apparently I was really thirsty...'cause I proceeded to drink about 50 beers.

I wanted so badly to blame Macha. But I couldn't. It isn't his fault that Crosby, Kotsay, and Harden are all on the shelf. And now it looks like Kielty and Zito might miss some time too. Is that Macha's fault? Not unless pussiness is contagious.

Every time I want to be frustrated with this team, I have to remind myself that we weren't supposed to be good until 2006. If this team manages to overcome all these obstacles, I'll be pretty damn happy. But as of right now I'm pretty numb and resigned to the fact that we'll miss the playoffs. Again. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Haiku Generator

For some odd reason, I can run off about a dozen at any given time. Not bad for a straight guy, eh?

I hate Macha
Those line-ups make my eyes bleed
Someone please shoot me

"You ready to hit?"
"Only clean-up," says Hatte
Out 4-3 again

Juicy Fruit is nice
Shuffling the line-up is not
Douche-bagging moron

Kendall hits lead-off

My poor liver pays the price
Make it a double

Left, right, left, right, left
Playing the percentages
Billy Beane's puppet?

Kirk Saarloos is done
Skip leaves him in anyway
Extra innings now

I wear big glasses
But can't see the obvious
What's a pinch hitter?

Bunting in the first
Pinch running but not stealing

Division lead gone

What a close ballgame
I need speed on the bases
That's what the book says

"Grab a bat, Ruby"
"Huh? I've been hurt for three months"

"I don't speak Spanish"

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Questions for Macha

Why the hell would you bat Marco Scutaro second?

Why does Eric Chavez continue to swing at the first pitch? Ever heard of a "take" sign?

Good job sitting Kendall, but why the hell would you bat Melhuse ninth?

Why the hell would you pinch run Bynum for Melhuse if you didn't intend on stealing second?

Why couldn't Katrina have blown you off the face of the earth?

Mark Ellis had two hits from the lead-off spot. Why are you going to move him from there in favor of Jason Kendall tomorrow?

Kendall threw the ball away in the ninth trying get Vlad stealing third. So I ask again, why did you pinch run Bynum for Melhuse if you didn't intend on stealing second?

Going into the ninth inning, Scutaro was 0-5 in his career vs Santana. Why didn't you pinch hit for him?

Why didn't you pinch hit for Scutaro in the ninth last night?

How's the Juicy Fruit?

How does it feel to know that you are personally responsible for at least a dozen A's losses this season?

Did I forget anything?

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Bazooka Joe

Hell of a performance by Joe Blanton last night. Giving up only two earned runs in eight innings drops his ERA to 3.54. He's now on the cusp of breaking into the top 10 in AL ERA. And if you throw out that lousy performance in Tampa Bay, his ERA would be 3.15. That's friggin fantastic. But what's even more encouraging to me is that Fat Joe's striking people out.

Just three weeks ago, Blanton faced these same Angels and struck out only one with four walks. Last night, he struck out 10 with just one walk. It seems as though HE'S adjusting to the league more than the league's adjusting to him. That he could do this so early in his career is very exciting to me.

And I'll be the first one to give our lead-off hit a lot of credit for that.

April: .30.1 IP . 10 K .. 9 BB . 3.0 K/9 . 1.11 K/BB
May: .. 18.1 IP .. 6 K . 14 BB . 3.0 K/9 . 0.43 K/BB
June: . 43.2 IP . 28 K .. 9 BB . 6.4 K/9 . 3.11 K/BB
July: . 24.1 IP . 17 K . 11 BB . 6.3 K/9 . 1.55 K/BB
August: 40.0 IP . 32 K . 12 BB . 7.2 K/9 . 2.67 K/BB

The knock on Blanton early in the year was that he couldn't strike out Major League hitters. I think that he's proven over the past few months that he most definitely can. I tend to think that the REAL Joe Blanton has a K/9 rate around 6.7. Over the course of a full season, that would make him one of the top 15 strikeout pitchers in the league.

"Blanton's K rate won't stay this low. "

--Roman, April 28
I hate to toot my own horn.

"And, like I said, his K/9 won't stay this low. History says so."

--Roman, April 28

I can't believe people would be so quick to judge Blanton after less than one month, but whatev. If it weren't for the morons in this world, I wouldn't have anything to keep me amused.


One and Done

What the fuck is up with Chavy swinging at almost every damn first pitch? And if the first pitch is out of the zone, he's swinging at the second. Fuckin' a, that's frustrating. Even when he gets a hit.

August 31st
Top of 1st
John Lackey pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: E Chavez flied out to left

Top of 3rd
John Lackey pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: Strike (looking)

Top of 6th
John Lackey pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: E Chavez flied out to left

Top of 8th
Scot Shields pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: E Chavez singled to right

Top of 9th
Francisco Rodriguez pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: Strike (swinging)

August 30th
Top of 1st

Bartolo Colon pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: E Chavez grounded into double play

Top of 4th
Bartolo Colon pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: Strike (looking)

Top of 6th
Bartolo Colon pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: Ball
Pitch 2: Strike (foul)

Top of 9th
Bartolo Colon pitching for Los Angeles
Pitch 1: Ball
Pitch 2: Strike (foul)

August 29th
Top of 1st
Erik Bedard pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: Ball

Pitch 2: Strike (looking)

Top of 3rd
Erik Bedard pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: E Chavez grounded out to pitcher

Top of 6th
Erik Bedard pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: Strike (looking)

Top of 7th
Chris Ray pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: Strike (foul)

Top of 10th
B.J. Ryan pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: Strike (looking)

Top of 12
Jorge Julio pitching for Baltimore
Pitch 1: Ball
Pitch 2: Strike (foul)

I don't particularly like this new approach, but here's something that's pretty surprising: It's working.

Eric Chavez, 2005
Count 0-0: .323 Avg .324 OBP .600 Slg% .924 OPS
Count 1-0: .323 Avg .313 OBP .484 Slg% .797 OPS

If it's working, it's kindda hard for me to disagree with it. But knowing that every one of Chavy's AB's is going to be over after a pitch or two just frustrating as hell to me.

Maybe it's just his recent failures that are clouding my judgement.


Ervin "Magic" Santana

I'm not very optimistic about our chances tonight. Ervin's gone 13 innings against us allowing only three earned runs. With Crosby and Kotsay out of the line-up, I'd be happy if we were able to get even two off of Magic tonight.

Adam Melhuse is 1-2 with a HR vs Santana, so MAYBE he'll get the start instead of Kendall tonight. But I doubt it. In case you haven't heard, our manager is a moron.


Alberto "Magic" Castillo

God help Ken Macha if Adam Melhuse doesn't start getting a significant number of ABs at DH. Now that we've finally got our third catcher, Melhuse had BETTER start getting as many ABs as Hatte. There's no reason for him not to.

Which reminds me: Why wasn't Melhuse pinch-hitting for Scutaro in the ninth last night?

Oh, that's right, because our manager is a douche bag.