Monday, June 13, 2005

Off-Topic Off Day

I hate everything about weddings. The sleep-inducing ceremonies. The half-portions of food. The line dancing numskulls. Everything about weddings sucks. This is why I drink a lot at these happy events. I don't care if the cheapass bride and groom make me pay $5.00 for a shot of light beer. It's the only way I can get through. Well, that and ogling at hot chicks in tight dresses.

I was dragged to a wedding this past Saturday, my second in the past two weeks, and I have two more to attend over the next two weeks. Can you believe that? These broads managed to fuck up an entire month's worth of weekends for me because they just HAVE to be June brides.

I had to drink an inordinate amount of alcohol at this past weekend's event because 1) it had an open bar and 2) there were no hot chicks. Well, my wife was there. But she doesn't count. Even the bride was ugly. And not just a little ugly. A LOT ugly. She was so ugly that I couldn't stop staring at her. I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but when I see woman who's been beaten with the ugly stick, I seemed to get hypnotized. This isn't a revolting type of ugly, an ugly that makes you turn away and never look back, this type of ugly is mesmerizing. It's as though my eyes can't believe what they're seeing that they can't focus on anything else. It's like watching old people bone.
"You look so beautiful tonight."

--The Misses, to the bride
My wife is also incredibly polite. How she said that with a straight face, I'll never know.

Actually, now that I think about it, there is ONE portion of weddings that I enjoy immensely: the speaches. Watching the Maid of Honor stutter through a toast is always good for a laugh or two. And seeing the look on the Best Man's face as he searches for the right words to describe how happy he is for his buddy without sounding too gay is also quite humorous to me.

"We want to officially welcome you to the family."

--Every Maid of Honor ever
So instead of watching Glen Johnson fight Antonio Tarver this weekend, I'll get to experience a couple dozen morons electric sliding their way into further stupidity. And next weekend, when Arturo Gatti's fighting Floyd Mayweather, Jr., I'll be watching my cousin make the biggest mistake of his life. Should be good times.

9 Comments:

Blogger Julio said...

i fucking hate weddings.

no one I know out here seems to understand that they are all pretty much the same. Except for me, when I tell people I am renting, they go off for 25 minutes on why I should buy a house in the middle of nowhere and commute 2-3 hours a day instead of living in a nice apartment 30 minutes from work. So at least you don't have that.

bestest maid of honor toast, "you know... marriage... it's like... forever... or until... like one of you, like... dies.... uh..."

Monday, June 13, 2005 5:06:00 PM  
Blogger Julio said...

^
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|
|
at the reception I mean

Monday, June 13, 2005 5:16:00 PM  
Blogger Roman said...

You're still renting? You know you're losing a lot of money, right? IsoP

Monday, June 13, 2005 5:27:00 PM  
Anonymous smac said...

Is she so ugly that she could almost be considered exotic?

You know, like how a substance can be so cold that it actually feels hot to the touch?

Monday, June 13, 2005 5:52:00 PM  
Blogger CanYouSmellWhatTheHawkIsCooking said...

You know, like how a substance can be so cold that it actually feels hot to the touch?

---------------------------

Like an Eskimo's Hoo-Haw? hfg

Monday, June 13, 2005 9:47:00 PM  
Blogger Joe said...

Roman you are one bitter motherfucker, which is why I read your blog on a regular basis.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 4:05:00 AM  
Blogger Roman said...

Roman you are one bitter motherfucker, which is why I read your blog on a regular basis.

LOL!! Welcome aboard.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 10:09:00 AM  
Blogger Kenny said...

Speaking of ugly chicks, I don't want to repeat the story so here's a link.

Thursday, June 16, 2005 12:28:00 AM  
Blogger Roman said...

I call ugly, fat girls "Bea" for a couple of reasons:

1) Bea Arthur is as ugly as they come.

-and-

2) From the side, they look like the letter "B" from the neck down and the waist up.

Thursday, June 16, 2005 10:47:00 AM  

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