Off-Topic Off Day
I hate everything about weddings. The sleep-inducing ceremonies. The half-portions of food. The line dancing numskulls. Everything about weddings sucks. This is why I drink a lot at these happy events. I don't care if the cheapass bride and groom make me pay $5.00 for a shot of light beer. It's the only way I can get through. Well, that and ogling at hot chicks in tight dresses.
I was dragged to a wedding this past Saturday, my second in the past two weeks, and I have two more to attend over the next two weeks. Can you believe that? These broads managed to fuck up an entire month's worth of weekends for me because they just HAVE to be June brides.
I had to drink an inordinate amount of alcohol at this past weekend's event because 1) it had an open bar and 2) there were no hot chicks. Well, my wife was there. But she doesn't count. Even the bride was ugly. And not just a little ugly. A LOT ugly. She was so ugly that I couldn't stop staring at her. I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but when I see woman who's been beaten with the ugly stick, I seemed to get hypnotized. This isn't a revolting type of ugly, an ugly that makes you turn away and never look back, this type of ugly is mesmerizing. It's as though my eyes can't believe what they're seeing that they can't focus on anything else. It's like watching old people bone.
Actually, now that I think about it, there is ONE portion of weddings that I enjoy immensely: the speaches. Watching the Maid of Honor stutter through a toast is always good for a laugh or two. And seeing the look on the Best Man's face as he searches for the right words to describe how happy he is for his buddy without sounding too gay is also quite humorous to me.
I was dragged to a wedding this past Saturday, my second in the past two weeks, and I have two more to attend over the next two weeks. Can you believe that? These broads managed to fuck up an entire month's worth of weekends for me because they just HAVE to be June brides.
I had to drink an inordinate amount of alcohol at this past weekend's event because 1) it had an open bar and 2) there were no hot chicks. Well, my wife was there. But she doesn't count. Even the bride was ugly. And not just a little ugly. A LOT ugly. She was so ugly that I couldn't stop staring at her. I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but when I see woman who's been beaten with the ugly stick, I seemed to get hypnotized. This isn't a revolting type of ugly, an ugly that makes you turn away and never look back, this type of ugly is mesmerizing. It's as though my eyes can't believe what they're seeing that they can't focus on anything else. It's like watching old people bone.
"You look so beautiful tonight."My wife is also incredibly polite. How she said that with a straight face, I'll never know.
--The Misses, to the bride
Actually, now that I think about it, there is ONE portion of weddings that I enjoy immensely: the speaches. Watching the Maid of Honor stutter through a toast is always good for a laugh or two. And seeing the look on the Best Man's face as he searches for the right words to describe how happy he is for his buddy without sounding too gay is also quite humorous to me.
"We want to officially welcome you to the family."So instead of watching Glen Johnson fight Antonio Tarver this weekend, I'll get to experience a couple dozen morons electric sliding their way into further stupidity. And next weekend, when Arturo Gatti's fighting Floyd Mayweather, Jr., I'll be watching my cousin make the biggest mistake of his life. Should be good times.
--Every Maid of Honor ever
posted by Roman at 2:41 PM
5 Comments:
You're still renting? You know you're losing a lot of money, right? IsoP
Is she so ugly that she could almost be considered exotic?
You know, like how a substance can be so cold that it actually feels hot to the touch?
Roman you are one bitter motherfucker, which is why I read your blog on a regular basis.
Roman you are one bitter motherfucker, which is why I read your blog on a regular basis.
LOL!! Welcome aboard.
I call ugly, fat girls "Bea" for a couple of reasons:
1) Bea Arthur is as ugly as they come.
-and-
2) From the side, they look like the letter "B" from the neck down and the waist up.
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