Sunday, April 30, 2006

There's a hole in the bucket, Loaiza Loaiza

You know, if I didn't spend most of my free time perfecting my photoshop skills, I'd probably start a blog called "Fire Loaiza." Unfortunately, I'll just have to bitch about him here.

What a fucking Lo-oozer (it's a pun....a play on "loser" and "Loazia." God damn I'm fucking funny. Also, I'm drunk right now) this guy is, huh? He can almost dial up his fastball to geologic speeds. I mean, jesus fucking christ, continental drift has more velocity. Luckily, Captain Alacrity only had to see him allow 10 batters reach in a whopping one inning of work before he took him out. 5 runs, 6 walks, and one mammoth grand slam in one plus inning. Another stellar start, Stevie Wonder-how-the-fuck-you-got-21-million-dollars (that's another play on words, with like three different levels of hilariousness. Did I mention that I was drunk?).

And now word comes out that Justin Duchscherer has tendinitis, and might be out awhile. That's what some dude at the bar said, anyway. This comes on the heels of Huston Street's "minor" injury that for some reason has taken about two years to heal. And Rich Harden has already started serving one of his two annual six week DL stints that are so fun. And Milton Bradley probably needs knee replacement surgery. So far, 2006 is starting out a lot like 2005 did. You know, with everybody dead. And I hate to play spoiler, but 2006 is going to end up a lot like 2005 did, too. You know, with the A's disappointing, and Macha being an idiot all year? And then people will point to the injuries. But I just wrote that article, I guess. So fuck it.

But yeah, Loaiza sure is a fucking waste of money, huh? That's one thing he has in common with Ken Macha. They're both big, fat, useless wastes of money. And Kendall is, too. I bet Kendall can throw harder than Loazia, though. How embarrasing for Esteban. Kendall can't even get the ball back to the pitcher's mound without bouncing it like thirty times. And I don't really have a great conclusion to this article, which sort of works out perfectly because I had a pretty crappy beginning and middle, but I really hate Loaiza, and we lucked the fuck out that the game was postponed, but if Loaiza makes one more start, I'm probably going to kil someone. And hopefully it's Macha. Or maybe Flanders.

Fuck it. My phone's ringing. Time to drink more beer.

Fuck Macha.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Bring out yer dead

With news recently coming out that Rich Harden has been placed on the DL, you astute fans out there can probably figure out that this will be one of Rich's two annual six week DL stints. Yeah, the A's said it was a minor injury. They also said Street's was minor, and he's been out about two weeks. Bobby Crosby can't make it until noon without hurting himself, and Milton Bradley is now injured, as well.

But hey, there's good news: Esteban Loazia is expected to make his next start. Oh wait, did I say good news? Yeah, I meant more bad news. Loaiza will never get injured, he'll just always suck. Ditto Jason Kendall.

So what does this all mean for the A's? It means that once again the Ken Macha apologists have a ready-made excuse for when the 2006 season plays itself out exactly like 2005 did, and 2004 before that. "But everybody was injured," they'll cry. "Macha was managing a morgue, not a baseball team." And such and such.

And that's complete and total rubbish.

Ken Macha has already cost the A's three games by being a complete fuck-vagina. It doesn't matter who is pitching if Macha is going to leave him out there too long. It doesn't matter who's on the field if Macha won't pinch hit for Kendall when the A's absolutely have to have a quality at-bat. Last year when Harden was on the DL, we sat through a Ryan Glynn start when Macha sat on his fat ass (as usual) and watched Glynn, who had not had any command all game long, walk the bases loaded in the 4th before a hard hit groundball ended the inning. Any idiot in their right mind would have taken him out, but not 'ol Zen Master Ken. No, Ken was content to sit back and watch Glynn give up basehits to the first three batters of the 5th inning, included among them Jose Reyes and Kaz Matsui. He left Glynn in to face Carlos Beltran, who promptly homered off him.

When all was said and done, a 3-1 A's lead had turned into a 5-3 deficit. Game over, A's lose.

So what does this mean for the A's?

It means that Ken Macha's a fucking idiot, that's what.

What difference does it make who starts if Macha isn't going to know when to pull him? There is going to come a point when either Saarloos or Gaudin or Halsey need to come out of the game. Ken Macha is going to leave them in too long, and the A's are going to lose. The Ryan Glynn example from above hardly sits on its own island of stupid Macha decisions. We've already seen it happen two times this year, and we'll likely see it about a dozen more. And when it does, all the idiots will stand up and proclaim, "Well what was Macha supposed to do? Rich Harden was on the DL!"

And that's exactly my point. If you don't understand, you probably never will.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Because a world without breasts.... Japan.

And we've already got too many Japans.

Now, we here at firemacha don't advertise just anything on our site. And until today, we'd never advertised anything at all. We shun all causes. We think people who give to charities would be better served if they spent that money instead on eight-balls and dubs. Screw curing cancer, there's coke-whores to be fucked. And big rims to drive on. But this cause is just too good. One of your fellow A's fans came up with a great idea that will embiggen the average breast size in the United States.

And that's a good thing.

A very good thing.

So check out Sign up for an account, and give a dollar or two to some small tittied ho-bag that will make empty promises of polishing your knob or letting you fist her anus for your hard earned cash, and then completely ignore your dark blue balls while laughing all the way to the wealthy record executive that her larger breasts will enable her to date, futher lessening the pool of women available to you.

See how this works, you horny loser?

Now...check out the site.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

A Retard's Dozen

Who'd have ever thunk that seven bullpen arms wouldn't be enough? Sounds like a plethora of pitchers. But when you're forced to rely on Chad Gaudin in the bottom of the 9th of a tie game with the top of the Ranger lineup coming to the plate, you know 12 pitchers just isn't enough.

But I guess it doesn't how matter how many pitchers to give Macha. He just can't manage a bullpen.

What could have possibly made him think that putting in Gaudin would put us in the best position possible to win? It was a stupid move.

Why does Ken Macha continue to hate on Kiko Calero and his 0.00 ERA? Kiko had pitched just once in the previous three days. A good manager would have used him with Mathews, Young, Teixeira and possibly Nevin coming up in the bottom of the 9th. Not our Macha. He figured having a guy make his first appearance of the year in this situation was the best move.

Gotta throw him in the water. See if he can swim.

Calero would have given us the best chance to extend the game. I know he had worked just one night before, but Gaudin hadn't been in a game in eight days. And Calero's pitched in back-to-back games 11 times since he's been an A. His ERA in the second game is 2.70. You gotta take your chances with the proven veteran there.

If pressed, Macha could have used Gaudin against the likes of Barajas and Jimenez. Not against Young, Teixeira, Nevin and Blalock. It was just a dumb thing to do.

What makes Macha's decision even worse is that Texas had already used all of their good relivers. Alfonseca and his 1.69 ERA were done. Otsuka and his 2.70 ERA were done. They only had guys like Ron Mahay, Fabio Castro and CJ Wilson left in the bullpen. When things got dicey in the 9th for Francisco Cordero, Rick Bauer started warming up in the bullpen.

Rick. Bauer.

The same Rick Bauer that has given up 14 hits in 11.2 innings this season.

Because Mahay, Castro and Wilson are all left-handed, Buck surely would have gone with Bauer in the 10th with three righties (Kendall, Ellis and Payton) due up.

Bauer's BAA this season versus righties is .357.

I guess maybe he would have stuck with Cordero. But he wasn't exactly in top form either.

Why is Macha so retarded that he couldn't see that their bullpen was vulnerable? Wilson and Mahay had worked the night before. And they suck.

Extend the game, make them exhaust their bullpen and put yourself in a better position to win today's AND tomorrow's game. It's basic strategy.

Alfonseca and Otsuka have now pitched two days in a row. After last night's the blowup, Cordero will most likely be unavailable too. But Macha let Showalter rest the rest of their relievers. They may be crappy. But they'd be even crappier if they had to work two days in a row. So not only did Macha fuck us last night, he's already fucked us today too.


Monday, April 24, 2006

You Say You Want a Revolution's April, and Macha is the manager. Of course the A's are going to suck. With a current record of 8-11, people begin to panic. However, if we were currently 11-8 like we would be if we had any other manager in the game (taking into account the three games that cockface has cost us), there wouldn't be panic.

I have it on first hand knowledge that at least two prominent players on the team, as of October 2, 2004 (and who are both still on the team) hate Macha and think he's a fucking fuckmonkey fuckwad (which he is). Well, the total is probably more than two, because the players are beginning to stage a revolt.

"I don't know what inning it was," said A's manager Assface McGee, "but some bubble gum flew and hit me in the back of the head."

And don't think for one second that we haven't noticed how ironic it is that Macha was assaulted by some chewing gum. I mean, that's genius! I hadn't even thought of how deliciously ironic it would be to kill Macha with a bag of gum. That would be like forcing Vanna White to eat Alphabet Soup until she died, or beating Tom Cruise to death with a book called "How Not to Act like a Complete Psycho All the Time." And I don't think this is a case of accidental irony where a series of coincidences lead an outside observer to believe that some party knows more than they actually do; that's stuff for a Leslie Nielson movie. This is purely premediated, geniusical (adverb form of genius), deliciously evil irony. Awesome work, guys. Hopefully next time you'll start throwing knives or grenades at his head, but this is a good start.

"You call it frustration, but other people say they have fire," Macha said. "There was a little fire coming out of the dugout when the game was over, not frustration. And when you don't win, some guys throw things. That's fire."

Seriously, Ken. It doesn't get any more ferocious than flying sunflower seeds. Jeez, what if they put out somebody's eye? But that's ok, because the team has fire. And that fire will hopefully continue with your timely (notice the lack of 'un') death, when we will finally have a chance to win some games.

"But when you talk about destruction (of Macha)
Don't you know you can count me IN."
-John Lennon

John Lennon's prescient lyrics have obviously been taken to heart by our beloved Athletics. And while Ken Macha may be a retard eight days a week, the players have shown that All You Need is Gum (to kill him with). I expect to be dancing and peeing on Macha's casket any day now.

Don't you know know it's gonna be... alright? Once Macha is dead, of course.

Swisha Da Wigga

Nick Swisher is an interesting character. He talks a lot. He thinks he's black. And a good ol' country boy.


This off-season, I thought Swish would have a rough go of it this year. That hasn't proven to be the case. He's off to a really good start. Take a quick perusal of the internet and you'll find mixed reactions regarding Swish. Some believe he's "evolving". Others say he's already "made the leap". Then there's the skeptics who toss around words like "fluke" and "hot streak".

So let's take a look at the numbers.

Year Team(s) AB Avg OBP Slg% BB/K BB/PA K/PA

2002 Vancouver/Visalia 227 .242 .360 .410 .661 .143 .217
2003 Modesto/Midland 476 .256 .363 .447 .624 .136 .218
2004 Sacramento/Oakland 503 .266 .400 .523 .925 .178 .192
2005 Oakland 462 .236 .322 .446 .500 .105 .211
2006 Oakland 61 .328 .397 .787 .400 .088 .221
The most surprising thing about Swisher's start has got to be his average. It's never been spectacular. Hell, it's never been decent. But as high as he's bumped up his average is this season, his OBP hasn't made the same leap. As a matter of fact, he's walking at a lower rate than he ever has.

Is this because he's being more aggressive at the plate?


Last season Swish saw 4.13 pitches per plate appearance. That was 8th best in the league. This year he's at 3.79 #P/PA. That's about 40 spots lower. I'd say that was a pretty significant drop.

But the rise in average, OBP and Slg% is probably more significant. And important. So if Swisher's going to keep knocking the snot out of the ball, he stop walking. He can even keep doing that silly hippity hoppy handshake with Milton Bradley.

But here's the bad part: Swisher's still striking out. And striking out a lot. Take a look again at Swisher's K/PA rate throughtout is professional career. It's been pretty consistent. The guy will strikeout about once every five plate appearances. That's still the case this year. In fact, his K/PA rate is slightly higher than it's ever been. He's on pace to strike out 135 times this season. That's ridiculously high. I'd tend to think that it means he's going to get figured out. Guys that strikeout a lot and walk a lot tend to be successful, but guys with high strikeout rates and low walk rates don't. And Swish ain't walking.

Now if history tells us that Swisher will strikeout a lot and hit for a low average and he's STILL striking out a lot, why is his average so high this year?

Zach, from Elephants in Oakland, believes that a good part of Swisher's success this year has been because he's really been punishing pitchers on mistakes.
"I made a couple of bad pitches and they took advantage of them."

--Mike Mussina, on the homeruns he gave up to Nick Swisher and Eric Chavez
Swisher's first homer off of Carlos Silva was a good piece of hitting on a 91 mph fastball that was left over the plate. Swish took it the other way for an opposite field shot. Swisher clobbered an 0-0 92 mph inside fastball off of Silva later in that game.

Padilla left a fastball up and over the plate that Swisher pulled for his fourth homer of the year.

(If I could figure out how come I can't save screen caps from the MLB media player, I'd post some pics. Maybe some of you nerds could help me out.)
"I tried to guide it in there, and I guided it down the middle of the plate."

--Justin Verlander, on the first HR he gave up to Swisher

"I was thinking, 'Here comes the change,' twice. The first time, he threw a fastball, and I swung anyway and fouled it off. The second time, I said, 'Here comes the change,' and you've just got to believe it was coming."

--Nick Swisher, on the second HR he hit off of Verlander
Swisher's grand slam came off of a Jeff Weaver breaking ball that really hung up there good.

Yesterday, Nick turned on a high, inside fastball from Escobar.

I'd stop with the fastballs middle in, if I was writing the book on how to figure out Swish. He's pummeling those pitches pretty good. Are those pitches "mistakes"? I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that they were "bad" pitches, but they ARE pitches he can certainly handle.

The interesting part will be to see how Swisher adjusts when guys start working him away, away, away. He hasn't shown with any amount of consistency that he can take those the other way. Hopefully, he can adjust better than Dan Johnson.

So IS Nick evolving as a hitter?

Maybe. He's changing some. Taking advantage of pitches he can handle early in the count, instead of working deep into counts. So far the results have been really good, but I don't think I'm at all ready to say that he's the "real deal".

I'm still very concerned that he's striking out. He's 0-4 with three strikeouts and just one walk on full counts this year. With a full count, a good hitter will either 1) battle until they get a good pitch to hit or 2) battle until they draw a walk. Swisher's striking out. That worries me.

I worry that he won't adjust. That the average and power will go away when he's continually getting worked away. And with the walks diminishing and the increasing strikeouts, that could be bad news.

I guess we'll see.

The Return

So where have I been you ask? And if you did not ask that, you sure as hell should. My break from the firemacha insanity was started by a major malfunction on my pornography machine (computer) last week which resulted in me having to have my hard drive replaced. Luckily the guy, who by my estimation had never been laid, at the local computer emporium was not only able to replace my hard drive, but fetch all of my data on the old hard drive so I would not lose all of the stuff that took me years and years to compile. I salute him for this task and hope that when he returns to his home tonight he is greeted by a horny woman at his doorstep whose car had just by chance broken down in front of his house. And who among us hasn't been there?

It was just vapor lock.

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact the A's are losing or the fact that Jason Kendall has turned into, as Mike Golic would say, "A bed wetting mama's boy."

You see, for the past 7 or 8 years the Elephants in Oakland have been what keeps me going in baseball season. My logic on this has always been if they can do it....we can do it. We being the Pirates of course. But the more you lose, the more hope I lose. Ken Macha needs to do his hometown some good and win a few games so he can once again inspire the hope we had when we all learned he would not be managing the Pirates.


The one thing Billy Beane has in common with Kevin Towers is these two guys are the only GM's in baseball that have been completely bent over the bed rail and smacked on the permanent vertical smile by David Littlefield in a trade. Picture that if you will.

While the Jason Kendall trade did not bring us a player as great as Jason Bay (and he is great, so great I dream about him at night) the Kendall trade was just as big of a theft. Through some nifty horse trading Diamond Dave was able to trade Jason Kendall for Mark Redman and the ghost of Arthur Rhodes, who he then turned around and traded for the roided up ripped body that is Matt Lawton who was then dealt at the deadline for the genius Jody Gerut. Mark Redman on the other hand decided he would pick up his player option (to the tune of 4.5 million dollars) and play the 2006 season with the Pirates...only Diamond Dave would have none of this, and appearantly neither would Allard Baird. Baird not only traded for Mark Redman, but he gave up two useful relief prospects (Jonah Bayliss and Chad Blackwell....Blackwell average about 14 k's per 9 innings in the minors) AND picked up all of Mark Redmans salary.


The only reason I didn't include Mr. Baird in the "GM's that got bent over by Diamond Dave" is because Allard Baird is like the Tara Reid of MLB GM's....everybody gets a turn. Speaking of which, could you imagine what that would be like at this point? It has to be like a big old roast beef sandwich just falling out all over the place. Disgusting.

And now, you're questions:

Question the first: Ghostofaspast asks:

How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball team in the world?

Answer: Here is the question you should have asked. How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball AND hockey team in the world?

The answer to this I think is never. No city has ever seen so much joy in one time of the year only to be worked over in the groin area like we have been. To make matters worse, we don't even know how much longer we'll have our hockey team (which would could be pretty good in a year or two with young players like Sidney Crosby, or as Greg refers to him as, "Sidney Sweetnuts.") and we know that Kevin McClatchey, aka, Daddy Warbucks, will never sell his team to someone who gives a damn as long as he keeps making 20 million dollars a year.

Thanks for making feel bad ghost.

On the bright side we've got less than a week until the Steelers draft their next all-pro after 30 or so teams passed on him to pick some guy that ran a 4.2 40 and bench pressed a house.

Question the second: Roman asks:

If Ryan Doumit is such an offensive All-Star why does he only have two rbi? HUH!??!?

Answer: Obviously, this is a response to my rant about the guy who was talking jive on Jason Bay for only having two rbi (after like, 6 games)....touche roman. Toufuckingche. Of course, I do have an answer to this. It's a couple part problem.

1. He's currently injured.
2. He plays for the Pirates, thus he never has a chance to get RBI.
3. Humberto Cota plays for the Pirates at the same position Ryan Doumit plays (Yes...THE Humberto Cota).
4. Jim Tracy manages the Pirates which makes #3 a crucial point.

Before Ryan Doumit got hurt Jim Tracy took it upon himself to name Humberto Cota the starter because Tracy "didn't like the way Doumit set up his target behind the plate."

I swear to God. That was his reasoning. He didn't like his target.

Of all the Macha-esque little league things....

Question The Third: darthmoridin asks:

How fast can Uncle Steve bring it? I gotta imagine that he would put the fear of God into batters lumbering in from the bully, swigging on a can of Natural Light as he takes the mound.

Answer: This one took a little research, so I decided to call Uncle Steve and ask him if he ever took part in the grand game of baseball. He said that yes, as a matter of fact he did. Naturally I was a little surprised by this, so I asked him how fast could bring it?

"Bring what?" he responded.

"Your fastball," I said.

"My fastball?"

"Yeah, your fastball."

"What do you mean how fast can I bring it?

"How hard can you throw it."

"Well, I could imagine that I could break a window if I wanted to."

"I see."

Fast enough to break a window. Somehow I can picture him trying to time his fastball with the speedometer in his car.

Question the fourth:

If Ken Macha and Jim Tracy were forced to fight in a steel cage death match who would be the winner and what impact would this have on the universe as a whole?

Answer: The winner would be the fanbase of the loser and the impact on the universe would be beyond measuring.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Sleepless Nights

Editor's Note: I've replaced AthleticsNation in the blogroll with the hippest, most dopest, friggity fresh blog to evah hit the da 'net.

Okay, so it was just one night. But I actually did lose sleep last night because of Macha. First time this season that's happened to me. My mind kept racing. There were several factors that contributed to this:

1) Macha's douchebaggery,
2) Extra Innings with Robert Buan,
3) AthleticsNation.

But I guess I brought it all upon myself because I:

1) watched the game, instead of actually working,
2) have ears, and
3) decided to visit the most popular weblog in all the land.

I laid there in bed still dissecting Macha's pathetic bullpen management over the past week. My mind was trying to comprehend how someone so smart (Macha took Calculus, you know) could be so stupid. I was thinking of how Macha's left the bullpen in shambles with a series against a division rival starting tonight.

And that's where I'll begin my little tirade today. (Talk about a lousy segue.)

Street's definitely unavailable, Duchscherer should be unavailable and the last time Saarloos went in back-to-back games was September 21st and 22nd...of 2003. At least Kiko Calero's fresh. Too bad Macha won't use him.

I thought Macha was going to use him on Tuesday. But that crazy rascal pulled the ol' switcharoo on me. On all of us.

Holding a slim one-run lead, Macha got Calero up with two outs in the top of the 8th. I couldn't believe my eyes. Macha was about to do something right! He was going to rest Huston Street.

You see, Street had worked in three of the previous four days. And that last game didn't go so well. Because he was being overworked. By our retarded manager.

So, here I am, telling everyone in the Elephants in Oakland webchat that Macha's doing the right thing. That Street could really use two days off instead of just one. Some jackass chimes in saying that Street needs to get back on the horse as soon as possible. I say he can get back on the horse after one more day of rest.

After an uneventful top of the 8th, Mark Kotsay leads off the bottom of the inning for our team. With ZERO outs and a 1-2 count on Kotsay, Street gets up. Calero had sat down between innings.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Why the hell did he get Calero up?

Our two, three and four hitters were still going to bat. What if we scored two or three more runs? Was he then going to sit Street and get Calero back up.

And, serioulsy, what the hell did he get Calero up for with TWO outs and the bases EMPTY in the top of the inning? He wasn't going to be bailing Duchsherer out a jam. There was no jam.

I still can't understand the logic behind getting Calero up in the 8th if he wasn't going to use him in the 9th. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. What the fuck did he get him up for? Why didn't he just rest Street?

Much to my surprise, Street retired the three batters he faced without incident. I honestly believed he was going to get knocked around a little. But he didn't. And I was happy that our A's came away with the win.

But what's this?

Street strained a muscle?

On Tuesday?

When he should have been resting?

Ya' don't say?

OF FUCKING COURSE HE STRAINED A MUSCLE!!! That's gonna happen when Kenny Retarded thinks his closer is a fucking mule!

Now, I'm no doctor. I'm just a common man. A simple man. Not a supernatural man. Not an especially smart man. I'm just a dude. I like beer and baseball. Boobies and cage fighting. Lesbos and Chinamen.

I haven't spent a significant portion of my life deeply entrenched in this game of baseball. I've never been in a Major League clubhouse or dugout. Hell, I've never even kept score at a game.

I'm just a guy.

And if an simple fella like me can see that Huston Street could use another day off, why can't Ken Macha and his staff of retards?

But, hey, at least the kid's got his confidence back.

I keep thinking about how this all could have been avoided if Macha hadn't have brought Street into the 9th inning of a game in which we were trailing by three. Yup, trailing. Not leading. Trailing.

We hadn't scored three runs in eight innings that day. We sure as hell weren't going to score three in the final one. Sometimes you gotta know when to fold 'em. I think that would have been the perfect time to use the new mop-up man, Kiko Calero. With 11 games in the following 12 days, Street might, you know, be needed when we were actually leading a game in the 9th inning.

But, alas, Macha Mongoloid brought in Street to keep the game within reach. And he promptly gave up a run. Throwing 25 pitches in the process. Forcing Macha to bring in Calero anyway.

Macha's going to make like a million dollars this year. Unbelievable.

So, I've got my opinions on Macha. But for some stupid reason, I like to get other points of view. So I listened to Extra Innings after the game yesterday. Something I rarely do. I gotta admit, it was pretty enjoyable. I guess that's because everyone was (rightfully) bashing Macha. But there was everyone's favorite Filipino standing up for the silver-haired stallion.
"Wouldn't you agree that Macha's an idiot?"

--Joe in Walnut Creek
Joe in Walnut Creek might actually be Bob in Berkeley or Dan in Des Moines. That part isn't really important. What IS important is Buan's continual dick sucking (JoeSpeaker says that's a newspaper term) of Ken Macha.

"Well, the A's HAVE had winning seasons each of Macha's three years at the helm."

"Well, sometimes the manager pulls all the right strings and the players don't come through."

"Well, why is that the Macha gets the blame for the losses, but the players get the credit for the wins?"

Well, how 'bout you just shut the fuck up? Or grow a pair and call it like it is. The beat writers sure as shit aren't going to do it.

Oh, you haven't heard? Angel Hernandez is the one that cost the A's yesterday's game. Not Macha. Duchscherer's the one that couldn't hold on to the lead. Macha didn't pull him too late. Scutaro wasn't an option to pinch-hit for Johnson because he's righty. But, wait, doesn't Jason Kendall bat right-handed? How come no one asked why he didn't get pinch hit for?

'Cause they're pussies. Big, fat, loosened-labiaed pussies.

That's why we got blogs. To tell it like it really is.


"In the past week, Haren, Loaiza, and Blanton have combined for four outings in which they were shelled (I'm not even counting Zito's second stinker), while Street and Duke have blown saves.

If 3 of your starters, your closer, and your set-up man are going to perform very badly next time they pitch, how good a manager are you going to look like?

Not very good. And when fans start complaining, "Why didn't he put in Saarloos sooner?" in save situations, you know it's gotten bad.

Can't we just accept that the team is playing badly right now, with everyone doing just enough to lose? It happens."

--Nico, AthleticsNation

Guess no one over there noticed that in the past week, Haren threw 8 innings of one-run ball. Or that Loaiza had his best start as an A, giving up three earned runs in six innings pitched. That's 14 innings (out of a possible 18) with a combined 2.57 ERA. Yeah, they really got their asses handed to them.

I mean, why let facts get in the way of your smugness?

Me and my Cellular Banana won't be making the mistake of vising that homerfest again anytime soon.

One more thing -- if they players write the lineup, why is Bobby Crosby still batting 3rd? The guy still can't grab the bat with his entire left hand. To struggle is one thing, but to be physically unable to perform to the best of your abilities is another. Maybe drop him down in the order until he's 100%? Call me crazy, but having a guy batting one-handed in the most important spot in the lineup might not be the best idea in the world. It's just a thought.

And if there's a positive going into the series with the Angels, it's that their bullpen is kind of spent too.

Innings Pitched, Last 3 Days
4/18 4/19 4/20
Rodriguez - 1.0 1.1
Shields 2.0 1.2 -
Donnelly - 0.2 0.2
Romero 0.1 0.2 -
Gregg - - 4.0

Yan's been gettin' the Calero treatment, so he's fresh, but each of their four top relievers have worked twice in the past three days. If our sluggers can get to Lackey early tonight, we might not be too fucked. Lackey's 6-1 with a 3.24 ERA against us in 13 career starts, so that's probably easier said than done. But you know me, always the eternal optimist.

Blown save and failed rally equal A's loss
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito flashes high side in Jekyll-Hyde season

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito still struggling a bit despite improved results
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Street's pec minor a minor concern?
Gary Peterson, Contra Costa Times

Blanton needs his space
Glenn Reeves, Oakland Tribune

Trumpet Guy : Musician, A's booster
Brenda Payton, Oakland Tribune

Former Cat Stanley is shifting career gears
Tim Casey, Sacramento Bee Staff Writer (Registration Required)
-Comment: Dan Meyer again pitched well for Sacramento. Bobby's got an interview with Dan up at A's Future.

Hounds fall to Corpus Christi again
Len Hayward,Midland Reporter-Telegram
-Comment: After reading Von Hayes' comments, I believe he and Ken Macha should swap jobs. Not that I have anything against the Midland organization.

Ports swing and miss, and miss, and miss, in latest loss
Scott Linesburgh, Stockton Record

Bieker heats up with winning streak
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Macha ist ein Arschloch

On Hitler's birthday, Macha ethnically cleanses the Athletics
"The losing race is the only race," says General Macha.

The Allied Athletic Forces had their hands full today. Just like Germany at two periods in its history, they proved unable to defeat two foes at once, each attacking from a different flank. The Athletics had to deal with the Detroit Tigers launching an offensive from the East, and Ken Macha launching his own offensive from the South (south as in fucking us in the ass). As April is the cruelest month to be fighting two opponents at once, the Athletics, just like Germany at two periods in its history, ended up fighting so poorly and surrendering so readily. The armistice was signed at approximately 3:20 pm on Thursday, April 20, 2006. While all the terms of the agreement have yet to be made available to the media, sources have confirmed that one major concession made by the Athletics is that they have agreed to add one to their ever growing loss column. Analysts are currently debating whether this agreement will be as harmful to the Athletics as the Treaty of Versailles was to Germany; while none are saying that this agreement will be pretty much 100% responsible for another World War, as was the Versailles Treaty, there is much consternation that the fact that General (General Fuck Munch, that is) Macha will not be sent to the Hague to face military tribunals for his war crimes against humanity may eventually lead to a Civil War, as the citizens of Oakland are getting restless that the continued presence of General Macha will only lead to the forced signings of further hindering armistices in the future.

With Lieutenant Street nursing wounds and unable to lead his platoon, Captain Duchscherer was promoted to Commander to lead the troops into the Battle of McAfee. Unfortunately, Captain Duchscherer was unaware of the military cuts forced through by Democratic policy makers who diverted those funds in order to create self-homage libraries in the middle of Bumblefuck Iowa, and the grenades he thought he was firing at the Detroit Tigers turned out instead to be meatballs. Easily absorbed, the Tigers fought back with powerful rocket blasts pelted all over the battlefield. Before anyone had a chance to collect themselves, any advantage the Athletics had was gone, and they were in danger of losing.

Seeing that Captain Duchscherer was unable to handle the responsibilities of his hasty promotion to Battle Commander, the allied forces called on Lance Corporal Saarloos to lead the brave men. Unfortunately, General Macha was aware of their plan, and would not let this happen. Sitting on his own fat ass like the great general he is, Captain Duchscherer was forced to remain on the battlefield with only his meatballs to protect him. Before long, the hometown heroes found themselves on the wrong end of a losing score, and all hope seemed lost. But just then, the tides seemingly turned. As General Macha turned to celebrate the historic day by taking a fat bong rip, the allied forces brought in Lance Corporal Saarloos.

Leaders aren't made, leaders are born. And Saarloos was a born leader. He quickly navigated his way out of the pickle, and when privates first class Chavez and Bradley had opened fire, the Athletics quickly found themselves with newfound hope. And when the Tigers' bullets missed Nick Swisher, the allied forces had the winning man just 180 feet away.

But just then, General Macha sprang into action. His outstanding reconnaissance work had told him that the Athletics had planned to replace private first class Kendall with somebody who could be described as NOT THE WORST FUCKING PLAYER IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE!!!!, Macha once again made the necessary maneuvers that wouldn't allow that to happen. Private first class Kendall, armed only with a wet noodle, was unable to get the job done. And when civilian Adam Melhuse was quickly finished off, the Battle of McAfee was over, and approximately 83 shellshocked spectators went home unhappy.

Hero is a word that sometimes gets thrown around all willy-nilly. A hero isn't just somebody good with a paintbrush or who can make a mean casserole. A hero is somebody who can singlehandedly change the entire fortunes of war; somebody who can turn the tides all by his lonesome. Somebody who can give hope to the hopeless, pride to the prideless, and losses to those who would otherwise win. And General Ken Macha is a hero. When others thought that there was no way he could stop the insertion of Corporal Saarloos or Private First Class Scutaro into the battle, he did just that. Nobody knows how, and nobody knows why, but he did just that. And singlehandedly, General Macha pinned the loss on the Allied Athletics.

For his efforts, General Macha was awarded the Medal of Asshole at a small ceremony in the parking lot. He has been assigned a security detail due to the large amounts of death threats he is getting. But today, April 20 2006, General Macha singlehandedly put the Oakland Athletics into a concentration camp. He then gassed them and killed them all.

"The losing race is the only race."
-General Ken Macha

Macha's Bullpen Mastery Continues

Does Ken Macha hate Kiko Calero? The guy had faced exactly ONE batter since April 13th before today. One batter. He'd thrown seven pitches in the past seven days.
Since April 13th
Street 3.1
Halsey 3.0
Duchscherer 2.1
Kennedy 2.0
Witasick 2.0
Saarloos 1.2
Calero 0.1
Calero threw just 9 pitches in two-thirds of an inning today. You think maybe he could have AT LEAST started the 9th?

Duchscherer had his longest outing of the year just two days ago. You think maybe he could have used a day off?

The first four guys that Duchscherer faced all got on base via hit. After a failed sacrifice bunt, Duke threw about 47 pitches to Brandon Inge before walking him. Is it too much to ask to pull a struggling pitcher BEFORE he gives up the go ahead run? You think maybe Saarloos, an extreme groundball pitcher, could possibly get out of the jam BEFORE the Tigers take the lead?

Serioulsy, why can a dope like me see this shit, but our Major League manager can't?

Why is he so goddamned stupid? I mean, I'm not asking him to be extraordinarily smart. I'm just asking that he not be a total incompetent. That he just make basic baseball decisions. But this cocksucker can't do it. He just can't. It's un-fucking-believable.

And let me get this straight -- Macha will bat Melhuse for Dan Johnson, but not for Jason Kendall? The same Jason Kendall that can't hit a ball out of the infield. Why won't this assclown bat Melhuse for Kendall? WHY??? SOMEONE TELL ME?!?!

With only one out, a Melhuse fly ball ties the game. Yes, Melhuse struck out to end the game, but at that point only a hit or a walk would extend the game. His mindset is different with just one out.

Kendall has just one mindset..."Please hit me on the elbow. PLEASE hit me on the elbow."

And if Melhuse had failed, there were still options. Johnson could have hit for himself. Marco Clutcharo could have come off the bench. Payton. Perez. Kielty. Every single one of them would have been a better option than Kendall.

I officiate high school wrestling. Because of he amount of matches going on at the same time at a given tournament, they use "tappers" in lieu of buzzers to signal the end of a period. Usually, they'll get some high school punk to run out to the ref, count down from five and tap the ref when the clock hits zero. It's a pretty easy gig.

You just have to pay attention to the clock, walk to the ref, and tap.


Well, during a match this year, I get a tap. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's three seconds left. I tell the kid not to tap me until the clock hit zero. He nods his fat head up and down.

Near the end of the second period, I see the kid out of the corner of my eye sprinting toward me like wasn't paying attention and was about to miss the tap. He gets to me and hurrily taps. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's seven seconds left. I again explain to the kid not to tap me until the clock hits EXACTLY zero. Again he nods his fat head. I ask him if he's sure he understands. He says "Dur."


This kid's a retard.

He didn't look retarded. But he was. So he got replaced by a non-retard.

Don't let Macha's suave good looks, flowing sliver hair, and superb gum-chewing techniques fool you.

He's a fucking retard. And needs to be replaced by a non-retard.

Not someone that's extremely intelligent. Not someone that's a great leader. Not someone that has a great passion for the game.

Just someone that isn't retarded.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Line-Up makes me Crying-Up

Crying-Up. Man oh man, does my cleverness know no bounds? Hmm....apparently not. Unfortunately.

But Jesus Christ. It's time to stop letting Macha write the lineups, and just start hiring ten year olds from birthday parties to put on a blindfold and pin a player's name to the lineup card. I'm 100% certain that this would actually make our lineups infinitely better. Get a load of the crap that Macha threw out there tonight:

1. Jason Kendall C
2. Mark Ellis 2B
3. Bobby Crosby SS
4. Frank Thomas DH
5. Milton Bradley RF
6. Jay Payton CF
7. Nick Swisher 1B
8. Bobby Kielty LF
9. Antonio Perez 3B

So let's recap:

1) The team's best hitter (Eric Chavez) is given the night off.
2) The team's worst hitter (Jason Kendall) is moved to leadoff.
3) Bobby Crosby and his amazing .507 OPS is hitting third.
4) Batting 6th is a .385 OPS. Batting 7th is a 1.163 OPS
5) Bobby Kielty is in the lineup, period.

Now, some of the assholes from asslickers nation might point out that Chavez has terrible lifetime numbers against Rogers, and that Kendall and Payton actually have pretty good success, historically, against him. They might further point out that even though Kielty's numbers against Rogers are bad, he overall hits lefties well. Heck, they'll say. Kendall reached base two times out of four plate appearances tonight. How's that crow taste, God? (yeah, people call me God instead of Greg....because I am one).

Here's the thing:

1) Kendall sucks.
2) Kielty sucks.
3) Payton sucks.

Jason Kendall used to be a really good baseball player. He has good lifetime numbers against a lot of pitchers. But he sucks now. His history is meaningless, as is the coincidence that he reached twice tonight. Bobby Kielty managed a .720 OPS in Sacramento this year. He struck out (8) as many times as he got a hit. Kielty sucks. Jay Payton sucks. He's had 39 at-bats this year. He's seen a total of 39 pitches.

If you want to rest Kotsay and his rather pedestrian .739 OPS against Rogers tonight, fine. Put in Payton, but don't bat him 6th. Payton can't hit. And if you're going to have Payton in the lineup, you've already sacrificed a lot of offense. That means you don't put Kielty in there as well. It just compounds the mistake. And for Greg's sake, you sure as shit don't bat the worst player in the American League leadoff. That triple compounds it. And you've already sacrificed some offense by resting your best hitter (the 2006 Chavez is a very different Chavez from year's least so far), and replacing him with a lesser bat who has never faced Rogers before. That just quadruple compounded it. And you don't bat the guy who is 11 for his last 24 with eight extra base hits 7th. That just quintuple compounds it. And maybe, just maybe, Bobby Crosby, he of the legendary .507 OPS (including .126 with runners on base), shouldn't be batting third, the most important spot of the lineup. But that's just me. And that sextuple compounds it.

So congrats a lineup with 9 batters, you only royally fucked up 6 of them. I didn't think it was possible for anybody to sextuple compound anything, but you've managed to do just that. This, coincidentally, is the only thing you've actually "managed" since 2003 (Greg knows you're sure as hell not managing this team), so congrats on that, too.

And a cynic would mention that once again, Macha didn't remove an ineffective starting pitcher until the killer blow had been delivered, but I'm not a cynic. Oh wait, yes I am. Macha once again waited too long to remove an ineffective starting pitcher. The fact that Saarloos sucked also doesn't exonerate Macha one bit. We didn't know that Saarloos would be terrible. In fact, his lifetime numbers against Detroit are very good.

No, Macha didn't cost us this game. But he was, once again, an asshole. We weren't going to score 12 runs tonight. We weren't going to even score 8 or 9, which is what Detroit probably would have scored had Macha actually managed. But he could have put out a lineup that at least makes some sense. Move Crosby, Kendall, and Payton down in the order. Move Swisher and Bradley up. You know, a rational lineup. Is that really too much to ask? Apparently so.

Ken Macha remains a Manager, And Complete Horse's Ass.
Tigers' offense, Rogers tame A's
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Another slow start for Crosby, and he can't quite put his finger on it

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Younger players appreciate having Thomas' guidance
Jay Heater, Knight Ridder

TIGERS CORNER: Athletics rave about Verlander's fast rise
John Lowe, Detroit Free Press

A's top prospect showing his potential
Tim Casey, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)
-Comment: Through 12 games, Barton's OPS is 1.079

RockHounds Notebook
Oscar Leroy, Midland Reporter-Telegram
-Comment: Yesterday, Kirk Suzuki struck out for the first time this season.

Pitching outstanding again
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Bats carry Cougars past Silver Hawks
Chris James, NorthWest News Group
Comment: Vince Mazzaro has now allowed 10 ER in 15.0 IP, while only issuing 3 walks.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

What is our Macha acronym?

Rob Neyer: I just want to throw something in here . . . for a while (and maybe still today) Bill James was playing around with this toy, where you take the first letters of a player's last name and turn them into something else. For example, Left Outfielder, Not Good (Terence Long) and Brings Extensive Losing Log (Buddy Bell). A friend and I came up with Grew In Artificial Manner By Injection (Jason Giambi) and Works At Notching Groundouts (Chien-Ming Wang). Anyway, in this same vein, James Bulger just suggested that we change Clearly Identifiable Defensie Mistake (another Bill James invention) to Plain Error Not Acknowledged . . . or "PENA", in honor of Wily Mo Pena. (Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...)

Joe: San Francisco, CA: How about for Bonds: Built On New Designer Steroids

Readers: Give me your best MACHA acronym in the comments section. The author of the best submission wins nothing.

My submission: Motherfucker-Asshole-Cockbrain-Herpes-Asswipe. It's got a nice ring to it.

Monday, April 17, 2006

An Open Letter to Ken Macha

Dear Asshole,

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you because you're so fucking retarded. I hate you because you think Huston Street is Billy Koch. I hate you because Adam Melhuse only has 7 ABs this year (in which he has gotten 4 hits). I hate you because you DH'd Jay Payton and let Mark Kotsay play on that grass-colored concrete in Minnesota.

I hate you because you smell like pee.

I hate you because you somehow manage to leave your starters in too long AND over-use your bullpen. Really think about that one because it takes a real moron to pull that off.

I hate you because 50% of Huston Street's total innings pitched have come in the last three days. I hate you because one of the best pitching staffs in the league has a combined ERA of 5.26. Five. Point. Two. Six.

I hate you because you signed Esteban Loiaza.

I hate you because you didn't get that joke.

I hate you because you came crawling back for your job last October. I hate you because only Eric Chavez had more plate appearances than Jason Kendall last year. I hate you because you trotted out Scott Hatteberg day after fucking day last season. I hate you because in the three years under your "management", lefty specialist Ricardo Rincon faced as many right-handed batters as he did lefties. I hate you because the players like you. I wish they hated you too.

I hate you because I'm smarter than you. You took Calculus? I took Calculus III, motherfucker.

I hate you because Eric Byrnes didn't touch home plate. I hate you because Miguel Tejada stopped running. I hate you because you pinch hit for Dye. I hate you because Tim Hudson got into a bar fight. I hate you because you started Mark Mulder in the most important game of the year. I hate you because you hired Chris Speier as your bench coach.

When I'm watching the NFL draft and you're not, I'm still going to hate you.

Because of you, I now hate gum. And I really used to like gum. Because of you, I now hate Billy Beane. And I really used to like Billy Beane.

I hate you because your the manager of my favorite team.

I hate you because you have ruined the game that I love so much.

I will always hate you,

Street bobbles the save
After 21 straight successes, closer has first blown chance since July

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle


Haren's fastball is starting to come around -- and that's a good sign

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Loaiza's velocity a concern, but he will stay in rotation
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Meyer hits jackpot vs. Vegas
Scott Howard-Cooper, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

Midland hammers 26 hits to clobber Hooks at Citibank
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports complete sweep of Blaze
Stockton Record

Saturday, April 15, 2006

You suck, Macha

Like my professor said to me when I turned in my senior thesis entitled "The Upside of Gang Rape," you just don't fucking get it, do you?

Stop letting Kendall bat. When he came up in the 7th representing the tying run with two on and one out, there was only one way his at-bat was going to end, and that was with the double play that he shockingly hit into. Kendall is going to kill us this year the same way Hatteberg killed us last year, and you're not ever going to take him out the lineup, are you, Macha? What's that? Oh, right. I forgot. His intangibles, leadership, and great defense. I especially liked how he bounced yet another throw to second base last night. That was pretty shocking. I don't know where this team would be if we removed the worst player in the American League from the everyday lineup.

So anyway, you're currently protecting the team's best hitter with a double play machine. Everybody at the bar last night was hopeful after Swisher's base knock brought the tying run to the plate, and then everybody realized that Kendall was up, and the inning would soon be over.

One predictably weak infield chopper to third base later, the inning was over. No Melhuse. No chance to extend the inning. And once again, you were content to let the worst possible option go up there in a crucial situation. Same old Macha.

Yeah, Ellis hit into an inning ending double play with two on, and Chavy was up as the tying run in the 8th, and neither got the job done. But guys aren't always going to succeed. At least Chavy and Ellis are the teams best bets in those situations. Kendall is a total failure on every possible level. I don't care that he used to be good. He sucks now.

Macha is only capable of managing this team when things are going well. When the pitchers are pitching, the hitters are hitting, and the defense is fielding, everybody is quick to credit the steady hand of Sir sleeps-a-lot. But when moves need to be made, when minor adjustments are required, Macha fails miserably, every time. Just like he did last night, and just like he'll do again and again and again for the next three years.

You suck, Macha.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Look, retards.....

I just wanted to say something real quick before I get back to trying to find the god damn raft in Legend of Zelda (no, I don't want any help). Man, has a cropping of Macha's head onto another picture ever been more appropriate than this one? Still, I'd take either of these two as manager over fuckface right now, if I could.

One common refrain I've seen from the Macha apologists (or "idiots," as I like to call them) is that if Macha is taking out his ineffective starters in the 3rd or 4th inning of every game, by August and September the bullpen will be toast. That's why it's necessary for Macha to cost us games in April, so that when the summer rolls around, he can do something else stupid to cost us games. Two points:

1) Our starting pitching is very good. There are going to be many stretches of games where the pitchers roll of consecutive 7 and 8 inning efforts, and the bullpen is not needed much.

2) When a bullpen guy needs a rest, give it to him.

Look, this isn't the playoffs. We don't need Street or Duchscherer to perform Yeoman's work to win these games in April for us. I don't want to see these guys headed to the hill for 5 or 6 days in a row, even if all those games are close. If Macha is backed into a corner by how much he used these guys in the previous couple of three games, sit them down. There may be a situation where we have to send Jay Witasick out to protect a one run 9th inning lead. And he may lose that game. That's the way the ball bounces. As a former distance runner, I used to slow down to a crawl on hills because I knew that the energy I saved could be better utilized on the straightaways. The season really IS a marathon, so you can't judge a snapshot in time and get an accurate gauge of what's going on. If we find ourselves on a "hill" where the relievers need rest, give it to them. We might get passed by a few runners, but we can make it up. April and May aren't crunchtime. But there's a huge difference between it not being crunchtime and managing like a moron. Marathon runners don't walk the first 10 miles, they just aren't sprinting like they will be for the final 2 or 3. Our main bullpen guys going 3 or 4 innings a week isn't a problem. Our main bullpen guys constantly going 3 or 4 games in a row is. However, this is an easy problem to avoid. And honestly, because of point #1 above, this isn't going to happen very often. We have an excellent staff, and once they find their stride, they are going to dominate a lot of ballgames.

So yes, Macha should have taken Haren and Loazia out a lot earlier than he did. Zito never should have pitched to A-rod. He should have put in Saarloos or Kennedy or Halsey, all of whom may have been similarly shit-whipped the way the starters were. Of course, we'll never know, will we? Macha once again decided that he would try to get lucky and steal an extra out or inning by leaving in tired and ineffective pitchers who had been getting hammered all day. And do you know what Loaiza's lifetime numbers against Torii Hunter are? I won't even say them, there's already enough profanity on this site. Bottom line, Loaiza shouldn't have been on the mound, and we lost that game by one run. So tell me, Macha apologists (or "idiots," as I like to call you), how was that loss not Macha's fault? The same goes for the Haren start.

The season is 10 games old, and Macha has already cost us 20% of it. Math has never been my strongest suit (that would be child pornography), but if Macha costs us 20% of the season, do you know how many losses he would be solely responsible for? That's right, a shitload.

It is absolutely unfathomable to me that there exist people who think Macha is doing a good job. And it is even more unfathomable that one of those people is Billy Beane. Unfuckingbelievable.

"Ken Macha has ruined the game of baseball for me."

You and me both, brother. You and me both.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Fucked by Twins

If somebody came up to you and offered you the opportunity to be fucked by Twins for three consecutive days, your initial thoughts would likely center on two hot blonde chicks licking your balls, stroking your knob, and fetching you beers at your request. Of course, real life rarely follows a fantasy path, and in all likelihood what you'd be getting would moreso resemble the above pictured portly femmes rather than the Olsen Twins (they may look like 11 year old boys, but they're of age, fellas!).

Of course, we A's fans just spent the last three days getting fucked by 24 barrel-chested behemoths and Nick fucking Punto. And that's just how Macha likes it. You see, this morning's game was a lost cause almost from the get go. A tired team playing like crap on getaway day got its scrotums handed to them by a pretty crummy pitcher (standard Tony Mounce theory at work here). Of course, it would have been a lot easier to take had Macha not cost them the first two games of the series by being an asshat. They'd have walked out of there with a series win, and a nice little road trip.

Of course, just like everything else, Macha ruined that dream. When they asked Macha how he'd feel about getting fucked by twins for 72 consecutive hours, the first thing he asked for was those fat motorcycle twins. Told they were booked at a rib-eating festival in Tennessee this week, he then decided that he'd like the Twins from Minnesota to bend us over, lube up our anuses (anusi?) and insert their needle dicks in and out of there all week long. And Macha even managed to fall asleep before his post fuck-cigarette, too. What a jackass.

So we trudge home in the midst of yet another mediocre April at the hands of our well below mediocre manager. If you guys don't think we'll tread water for the next 6 weeks, then kick nuts for the following three months, and then collapse in September, I don't know what to tell you. We've seen this story before. If they ever want to make a sequel to Groundhog Day, jesus, this story practically writes itself. They can pull Murrysville Macha out of the ground, have him sleep through the shadow viewing, and then hell lasts for another three year contract. We could probably get Bill Murray if he hasn't gone completely insane by then, which he might already be.

Fucking Macha.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Everything Comes in Two's

And why shouldn't they? Playing in the TWIN cities, Macha decided that he wanted to let the A's lose their SECOND consecutive game to the TWINS the exact same way he let them lose the first: by leaving in a starter to give up another homerun that proved to be the gamewinner.

Last night, after watching Haren leave everything up all game long, he decided to send him out for the 5th, only to watch Justin Morneau hit in what would prove to be the gamewinning run. Tonight, Loaiza continued to demonstrate why he's the single biggest waste of money since Macha by sucking dick early, often, and then early again and then often again. And then once more, because taxes will make his 21.375 million dollars seem like a little bit less. So he sucked another dick in order to stick it to the man. The dickman.

Of course, asshat decides to send him back out for the 5th, despite the fact that he had already given up 93 walks and 108 homeruns on the day, and gives up what would prove to be the deciding run. Here's what I wrote before the Twins came to bat in the 5th inning:

"They'll score again this inning, and Macha won't take Loaiza out until AFTER the big homerun. Standard Macha protocol."

I would toot my own horn, but predicting for Macha to do something stupid is like....actually, there's no good simile to finish this sentence. Macha being stupid is the single most predictable thing in the universe, so to compare his stupidity to anything else would actually downgrade its predictability. So yeah, it's not a great prediction, because Macha is a fucking retard. I mean, vagina-brain has a fucking 12 man pitching staff, including THREE long fucking relievers, and he's still not using them. Is there really a downside to not taking out an ineffective starting pitcher? Do you hate walking to the mound that much, you lazy asshole? Fucking christ you're so god damn useless.

Some asshole once said "those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them." If he had been an A's fan, he would have said "Ken Macha is such a fucking bag of elephant dung. When he's asleep during his mistakes, the asshole usually makes the same mistake again. God, what a fucking fuckbox Macha is." That guy totally had a silver tongue; that's why his quotes are so well remembered.

Swisher had a heck of a game tonight, though, eh? I imagine he'll be on the bench tomorrow, because Macha wouldn't want him to be able to build on his momentum. Maybe he can keep Melhuse company, who won't play again until Loaiza's next shit-fest despite the not-so-trivial fact that he's about 198 times better than Jason Kendall.

Anyway, I hate Macha, and I wish he were dead.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Batman Comes To Pittsburgh...And Doesn't Destroy Jim Tracy

Sitting at the bar today watching the Pirates once again get thumped by another sad sack franchise, the guy next to me blurted out, "If Jason Bay is so damn good why does he only have 2 rbi?"

I did not answer him at that moment because had I done so I might have beaten him to death with his sandwich, but now that I have cooled down my emotions I can give a logical, in depth, analyzed, well thought out response. Consider these points:

1. Jason Bay is currently hitting 4th behind the following players: 1. Chris Duffy, 2. Jack Wilson, 3. Sean Casey.

2. Chris Duffy at the moment is hitting .130 (Pirates pitchers are hitting .154) and a .167 On-Base Percentage (again, Pirates pitchers have a .154 On-Base Percentage). He has reached base 5 times this season. Five. FIVE. He has struck out 9 times in 23 at-bats. Even more alarming, of the 92 pitches Chris Duffy has faced this year he has swung and missed 14 of them. Not good. Five times on base. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Five.

3. Jack Wilson in the two spot is actually hitting quite well. .348/.464/.565. 4 walks (to only 2 strikeouts) to go along with the nice line. But...

4. In the 3 spot is Sean Casey. The human double play. No player had a higher double play rate in 2005 than Sean Casey and early on he is on pace to not only break the single season double play record, but shatter it so badly no one may ever come close to it again. It will be the new 56 my friends. Unbreakable.

5. Because of the above, (Chris Duffy going Rafeal Belliard on us, Sean Casey erasing Jack Wilson at every turn) Jason Bay has only had 10 at-bats with runners on base this year....only 4 with runners in scoring position.

Thats why he only has 2 RBI you neanderthal.

- Jeff Francouer is currently 2 for 33 with no walks and 8 strikeouts. But you didn't need me to tell you that.

- The Pirates opened up their home season today and who did they have throw out the first pitch? One of the Steelers? The president? Me? No.

Batman. Not the good batman (Adam West), the fake batman who had to have plastic molded muscles (unlike Adam West, who used his regular body...ALL..WEST) Michael Keaton. The only positive thing about this is Keaton took his pre-game press conference as an oppurtunity to rip Pirates owner Kevin McClatchey and compare him to Donald Sterling, and his team to the LA Clippers. Ouch. Score one for fake Batman.

- Humberto Cota is clearly the Pirates #1 catcher in the eyes of Jim Tracy for one reason: He's better than Ryan Doumit defensively (who could be an All-Star offensively). To demonstrate this today, Humberto Cota managed to mangle what would have been a third strike on Jason Repko(!) by letting it fall harmlessly out of his mitt....instead of being out (Repko tipped it) Repko remained in the box...and put the next pitch off the rotunda in left field and the Dodgers never looked back. But Ryan Doumit can't catch.

- Begin submitting your questions now for next weeks debut of the "Ask Adam" Q & A session. Some questions will be answered. Many will not. Best question gets a free "REO Speedwagon" T-shirt. It has a few mustard stains on it, but the structure and foundation is still sound.

A's Notes: AL Central a Twinkie no more
A's open series against tough Twins out of vastly improved division

Josh Suchon, Oakland Tibune

Tired of critics, Thomas enjoys fresh start with A's
Dave Newhouse, Oakland Tribune

A's Johnson has lots of pluck, puck
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's like that Scutaro can step in and step up
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Watson, Keisler power River Cats
Jason A. Churchill, Special To The Sacramento Bee

RockHounds Lose
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

They know way to San Jose
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Bullpen continues to shine for Cougars
Paul Johnson, Kane County Chronicle

Monday, April 10, 2006

Fun With Small Sample Sizes

Oakland ranks last in the AL West in batting average, but first in OBP and Runs Scored.

Texas ranks first in the AL West in batting average, but last in OBP and Runs Scored.

Eric Chavez has a higher OPS (.987) than Alex Rodriguez (.953).

Marco Scutaro has a higher OPS (1.356) than Barry Bonds (.750) and Jason Giambi (.590) combined.

Scott Hatteberg has a higher OPS (1.089) than Frank Thomas (.473), Bobby Crosby (.364) and Dan Johnson (.136) combined.

Barry Zito ranks first in the American League with an 11.05 k/9 rate.

The leadoff man for the reigning World Champion White Sox is sporting the current
line: .045 Avg/.087 OBP/.045 Slg%.

Brad Wilkerson is on pace to strikeout 324 times this season.

A lineup composed of nine Chris Sheltons would score 34.61 runs in a nine inning game.

A lineup composed of nine Dan Johnsons would score -1.80 runs in a nine inning game. I don't get it either.

Atlanta leads the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Scored.

Atlanta is last in the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Allowed.


Harden takes turn posting goose eggs
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's closer not on easy street against Seattle
Ninth-inning 'underhanded lollygagging' is a near disaster for Oakland

Joe Roderick, Contra Costa Times

Hot-hitting Kotsay to rest his aching back some this week in Minnesota

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito praises many AL cities, including Seattle
'Potential free agent' is keeping as many teams as possible interested

Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Dan Johnson will be present for tributes to idol Puckett
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Beltre on brink of being a bust
Ted Miller, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Portland pounds the Cats
Joe Freeman, Special to The Sacramento Bee

Hounds earn split with Frisco
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports get first win
Webb sharp in second game of doubleheader

Kevin Niendorf, Stockton Record

Italiano dazzles until running into trouble
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Saturday, April 08, 2006

Missed it by *that* much

For those of you who were wondering if Macha could "Get Smart" for an entire game, wonder no longer. The answer, of course, is no. But he did make it through 8 innings, which is the closest he's come in a long fucking time. But why on earth are you putting in Justin Duchscherer in the 9th inning of a 5-run game? Why the fuck do you think Brad Halsey and Jay Witasick are on the team? Exactly. To be used in situations were the game is already decided. Now, if you need Duchscherer tonight (and with Zito going, chances are you'll need the bullpen for about 6 innings, but will only use it for 4), you probably won't be able to use him Sunday. Seriously, Ken. Save these guys in April so they don't collapse in September. Yeah, it was just one inning, and the Duke had absolutely no problem dispatching Seattle in three batters, but that's not the point. Are you saving Witasick and Halsey for extra inning games in Boston? Yeah, that must be it. On the bright side, at least you didn't intentionally walk Jason Kendall with a runner on third and one out. I mean, you're guaranteed to get a weakass grounder to third from this guy, and you're putting him on? Between Torre's idiotic reliever usage patterns and Hargrove giving a free pass to the worst player in baseball, you seem to be rubbing off on other managers. It's kind of nice to see; it evens the playing field a little.

We all know that if Marco Scutaro were to play every day, he would put up an OPS around .700 for the season. But for now, when he's currently sporting a 1.552 OPS, you put him in the lineup until he starts to cool off. What part of this don't you understand? If that comes at the expense of Crosby or Ellis, or both, so be it. Ride the hot hand. Swisher had been on fire for about three weeks before you sat him against a righty on Wednesday (that was an all-time genius maneuver, btw). Since then? 8 at-bats, 5 strikeouts, 1 hit. I'm glad that Scutaro got pinch hitting duties last night, but jesus Ken, you vacuous piece of shit; why are you so damn stupid?

In other news, it's nice to see that Milton Bradley is already in fine playoff form. He's really assimilated to the A's culture of retardation. And Bradley even wears Byrnes' old number. How perfect is that? There were tears in my eyes when he managed to not score from second base on a double off the wall last night. Now, I can't say for sure whether those tears were from the baserunning gaffe or the Habanero peppers I was rubbing against my nuts (long story), but the fact is that there were tears. And tears are tears, regardless of whether they come from the manager being an idiot or my homoerotic fantasies with Mexican peppers. Now, where was I again? Oh yeah, Macha's a jackass. But seriously ladies, I was just kidding about the peppers. I'm not a psycho. The only things I rub against my nuts are supermodels and the occasional tubesock.

Anyway, just as Don Adams went on to be the voice of a popular cartoon character later on his life, we're all looking forward to Macha's voicing of "Inspector Asshole" in a few years. After all, he's always on duty....retard duty.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Welcome Back, Macha

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welllllcome baaaaack.

I thought we'd lost you there, my old, retarded friend. I just KNEW you couldn't have gotten any smarter over the past six months. And, in retrospect, you were probably more lucky than good the last couple of games versus the Yankees. You were lucky that little Marco Scutaro and an outstanding 8th inning absolved you from exhausting your bullpen on Opening Night. And as I've had time to further digest the events of the Opening Night debacle, why did you pull Zito right AFTER he gave up the grand slam? You couldn't have possibly thought the game was still winnable. The game was still winnable BEFORE he gave up the grand slam. You should have pulled him then, asswhipe (not a typo). But after he gave up the knockout blow, everyone in the stadium knew that we weren't going to win the game. So why not leave Zito out there? He'd thrown less than 60 pitches. You should have left him out there to clean up his own mess. He might have gotten you another inning. Maybe two.

And maybe Kirk Saarloos would have been available last night, when you again decided to pull your starter too late.

Loaiza looked pretty bad last night. Yet you thought it best to trot him out there inning after inning when he clearly didn't have his best stuff.
"He had a couple of misses on location. Not any big innings, but he got his pitch count up."

--Ken Macha
He had given up four runs in only three innings pitched. And he had already thrown over 75 pitches.

But at least he stayed away from the big inning.


Admittedly, your bullpen options were limited. But that's your own damn fault. And I can only imagine how bad of a shape the bullpen would be in if Tuesday's game had gone into extra innings.

And kudos to you for that outstanding lineup you so masterfully composed last night.

Before last night's game Mark Ellis and Dan Johnson were a combined 2-for-20. Why ON EARTH you thought it would be a good idea to bath them 3rd and 5th, respectively, I'll never know. Not surprisingly, they went hitless in eight combined plate appearances, leaving seven on base.

When I saw Scutaro at the top of the lineup, I thought to myself, "Self, I guess the players are writing the lineup tonight. Hot guys in the heart of the order. Cold guys at the bottom. Kendall out of the lineup altogether."

At least Kendall was out.

You almost had me. I almost fell for it. For the briefest of moments I actually thought that after nearly 500 games as a Major League manager, you were starting to figure this gig out. But, alas, you've proved that you're still the dumbass we've all grown to hate.

Welcome back, my grey-haired punching bag.

Loaiza fizzles in debut
He lasts only 4 2/3 in loss to Seattle

Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Japanese media ask Macha
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Bradley quickly fitting in with team's philosophy
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Cats tagged by familiar face
Doug Binder, Special to Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

RockHounds drop season opener on road at Frisco
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Opening Night
Weather cooperates, Nuts don't in loss

Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Cougars pull off rare scoring feat
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Post-Series Questions

If Bobby Crosby hadn't have gotten hurt, would we have gotten swept?

I'm glad that Marco Scutaro had had these two great games, but is it bad that I'm only happy because I think it'll up his trade value?

If Frank Thomas thought he had hit a homerun, why did he grimace when he took his very first step out of the box?

Doesn't Milton Bradley look angry even when he's happy?

Who's going to be the one to tell Nick Swisher that he isn't black?

Is it possible that I'm a better defensive second baseman that Robinson Cano?

I thought that maybe Duchscherer's success last year was a bit of a fluke. Now I think I'm falling in man-love with him. Anyone else?

Eight k's and ZERO bb's for Haren last night. Is it too early to say that he's going to be our most reliable starter this year?

Thomas, Swisher, Johnson and Payton are all on pace to get over 430 PAs. When the players "start writing the lineup", who's going to be the odd man out?

You're a dope if you think Bobby Crosby could have avoided being spiked with a sweep tag.

The above one was a comment, not a question. This one too.

Did Ken Macha REALLY just out-manage Joe Torre two games in a row?

Bob Geren's really the one pulling all the strings, right?


There's some good stuff floating around Al Gore's internet. Be sure to check out the following blogs:

Bobby over at The Future of A's Baseball recently posted his exclusive interviews with Ryan Webb, Brian Snyder and Brad Knox.

Elephants In Oakland may be a jerk (so they say), but that didn't stop him from adding a webchat feature to his blog. I've used it during all three games this year. There's some good conversation going on during the game and it's a hell of a lot better than continuously refreshing a 400-odd comment thread.

Ken Arneson over at catfishstew made an excellent analogy today.

"Playing against the A's will be like playing a master baseline player in tennis: they'll just keep putting the ball back in your court, time and time again, steadily, steadily, steadily, until you finally make a mistake, and you lose.

Each A's game becomes a bet with the other team: I bet you can't play as long as we can without making a costly pitching or defensive mistake. And whatever kind of mistake you make, we have enough power, or speed, or contact skills, or patience to take advantage of it."

PatheticsNation continues to make me chuckle.