Monday, April 24, 2006

The Return


So where have I been you ask? And if you did not ask that, you sure as hell should. My break from the firemacha insanity was started by a major malfunction on my pornography machine (computer) last week which resulted in me having to have my hard drive replaced. Luckily the guy, who by my estimation had never been laid, at the local computer emporium was not only able to replace my hard drive, but fetch all of my data on the old hard drive so I would not lose all of the stuff that took me years and years to compile. I salute him for this task and hope that when he returns to his home tonight he is greeted by a horny woman at his doorstep whose car had just by chance broken down in front of his house. And who among us hasn't been there?

It was just vapor lock.

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact the A's are losing or the fact that Jason Kendall has turned into, as Mike Golic would say, "A bed wetting mama's boy."

You see, for the past 7 or 8 years the Elephants in Oakland have been what keeps me going in baseball season. My logic on this has always been if they can do it....we can do it. We being the Pirates of course. But the more you lose, the more hope I lose. Ken Macha needs to do his hometown some good and win a few games so he can once again inspire the hope we had when we all learned he would not be managing the Pirates.

Ha.

The one thing Billy Beane has in common with Kevin Towers is these two guys are the only GM's in baseball that have been completely bent over the bed rail and smacked on the permanent vertical smile by David Littlefield in a trade. Picture that if you will.

While the Jason Kendall trade did not bring us a player as great as Jason Bay (and he is great, so great I dream about him at night) the Kendall trade was just as big of a theft. Through some nifty horse trading Diamond Dave was able to trade Jason Kendall for Mark Redman and the ghost of Arthur Rhodes, who he then turned around and traded for the roided up ripped body that is Matt Lawton who was then dealt at the deadline for the genius Jody Gerut. Mark Redman on the other hand decided he would pick up his player option (to the tune of 4.5 million dollars) and play the 2006 season with the Pirates...only Diamond Dave would have none of this, and appearantly neither would Allard Baird. Baird not only traded for Mark Redman, but he gave up two useful relief prospects (Jonah Bayliss and Chad Blackwell....Blackwell average about 14 k's per 9 innings in the minors) AND picked up all of Mark Redmans salary.

Wow.

The only reason I didn't include Mr. Baird in the "GM's that got bent over by Diamond Dave" is because Allard Baird is like the Tara Reid of MLB GM's....everybody gets a turn. Speaking of which, could you imagine what that would be like at this point? It has to be like a big old roast beef sandwich just falling out all over the place. Disgusting.

And now, you're questions:

Question the first: Ghostofaspast asks:

How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball team in the world?

Answer: Here is the question you should have asked. How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball AND hockey team in the world?

The answer to this I think is never. No city has ever seen so much joy in one time of the year only to be worked over in the groin area like we have been. To make matters worse, we don't even know how much longer we'll have our hockey team (which would could be pretty good in a year or two with young players like Sidney Crosby, or as Greg refers to him as, "Sidney Sweetnuts.") and we know that Kevin McClatchey, aka, Daddy Warbucks, will never sell his team to someone who gives a damn as long as he keeps making 20 million dollars a year.

Thanks for making feel bad ghost.

On the bright side we've got less than a week until the Steelers draft their next all-pro after 30 or so teams passed on him to pick some guy that ran a 4.2 40 and bench pressed a house.

Question the second: Roman asks:

If Ryan Doumit is such an offensive All-Star why does he only have two rbi? HUH!??!?

Answer: Obviously, this is a response to my rant about the guy who was talking jive on Jason Bay for only having two rbi (after like, 6 games)....touche roman. Toufuckingche. Of course, I do have an answer to this. It's a couple part problem.

1. He's currently injured.
2. He plays for the Pirates, thus he never has a chance to get RBI.
3. Humberto Cota plays for the Pirates at the same position Ryan Doumit plays (Yes...THE Humberto Cota).
4. Jim Tracy manages the Pirates which makes #3 a crucial point.

Before Ryan Doumit got hurt Jim Tracy took it upon himself to name Humberto Cota the starter because Tracy "didn't like the way Doumit set up his target behind the plate."

I swear to God. That was his reasoning. He didn't like his target.

Of all the Macha-esque little league things....

Question The Third: darthmoridin asks:

How fast can Uncle Steve bring it? I gotta imagine that he would put the fear of God into batters lumbering in from the bully, swigging on a can of Natural Light as he takes the mound.

Answer: This one took a little research, so I decided to call Uncle Steve and ask him if he ever took part in the grand game of baseball. He said that yes, as a matter of fact he did. Naturally I was a little surprised by this, so I asked him how fast could bring it?

"Bring what?" he responded.

"Your fastball," I said.

"My fastball?"

"Yeah, your fastball."

"What do you mean how fast can I bring it?

"How hard can you throw it."

"Well, I could imagine that I could break a window if I wanted to."

"I see."

Fast enough to break a window. Somehow I can picture him trying to time his fastball with the speedometer in his car.

Question the fourth:

If Ken Macha and Jim Tracy were forced to fight in a steel cage death match who would be the winner and what impact would this have on the universe as a whole?

Answer: The winner would be the fanbase of the loser and the impact on the universe would be beyond measuring.

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