Monday, April 03, 2006

The Unsatisfying Asswhipe

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my cubicle when I noticed a rumbling down there. You know....down there. I had to poop. And not just any poop. I had to take the biggest Ray Lewis I had ever taken, and I had to do it at work. To a guy, there is no worse feeling than having to do your business in a public bathroom, it just is not sanitary my friends. There is usually pee on the seat, on the floor, and the toilet paper might as well be sand paper without the paper. I hate it. But, considering it was still a few hours from my lunch hour, let alone five o'clock, I had to suck it up and drop it off at work. So I did.

Upon returning to my cubicle I began to notice a little discomfort. An itch if you will. Thinking I was alone I said softly to myself "man, my ass itches." All of a sudden I heard a voice from the other side of the cubicle (John) say, "It sounds like you've fallen victim to the unsatisfying asswhipe."

I paused for a minute and said, "No, Ken Macha didn't get the Pirates managing job."


He peaked his head up over the cubicle and looked at me like I had monkeys crawling out of my ears. I don't think he even knew who or what a Ken Macha was, lucky him.

Yes my friends, I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and the last two times our managing position has been open Ken Macha has been one of the leading canidates not only inside the front office, but with fans and media members as well....And luckily, we've avoided the trainwreck both times. The last time we ended up with Lloyd McClendon and while the team sucked, we did get a couple of incredible moments in baseball history:

- He stole a base from an umpire under the logic "I figured he wasn't using it so I might as well take it with me" (direct qoute)
- he physically kicked Tony Larussa's ass at least once
- Both are good things

This time we chose Jim Tracy, and does that make me happy? Yes. Yes it does. Why does this make me happy? Because Jim Tracy interviews and press conferences appear to be even better than ones with Lloyd McClendon (where he would often times use big words in the wrong context) because he asks himself 200 questions and answers all of them in great detail. This is an amazing strategy as it completely avoids the nonsensical bable often times asked by the local beat writers who wouldn't know Tom Gorzelanney from Tom Arnold.

Brief Ken Macha is from Pittsburgh comment:

Murrysville, PA (the birthplace of Ken Macha) has a hillside that spells out the towns name (Murrysville) with a series of Pine Trees. It is sort of like the redneck/hillbilly/mountainman version of the "Hollywood" sign. Only in Murrysville. Birthplace of Ken Macha.

Be sure to tune in next time when I tell you a story from my college days about the body-less heads and how it relates to Ken Machas suckitude.


Blogger Toni said...


I look forward to your entries Gabe er Adam...

Monday, April 03, 2006 6:27:00 PM  

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