A Retard's Dozen

Who'd have ever thunk that seven bullpen arms wouldn't be enough? Sounds like a plethora of pitchers. But when you're forced to rely on Chad Gaudin in the bottom of the 9th of a tie game with the top of the Ranger lineup coming to the plate, you know 12 pitchers just isn't enough.

But I guess it doesn't how matter how many pitchers to give Macha. He just can't manage a bullpen.

What could have possibly made him think that putting in Gaudin would put us in the best position possible to win? It was a stupid move.

Why does Ken Macha continue to hate on Kiko Calero and his 0.00 ERA? Kiko had pitched just once in the previous three days. A good manager would have used him with Mathews, Young, Teixeira and possibly Nevin coming up in the bottom of the 9th. Not our Macha. He figured having a guy make his first appearance of the year in this situation was the best move.

Gotta throw him in the water. See if he can swim.

Calero would have given us the best chance to extend the game. I know he had worked just one night before, but Gaudin hadn't been in a game in eight days. And Calero's pitched in back-to-back games 11 times since he's been an A. His ERA in the second game is 2.70. You gotta take your chances with the proven veteran there.

If pressed, Macha could have used Gaudin against the likes of Barajas and Jimenez. Not against Young, Teixeira, Nevin and Blalock. It was just a dumb thing to do.

What makes Macha's decision even worse is that Texas had already used all of their good relivers. Alfonseca and his 1.69 ERA were done. Otsuka and his 2.70 ERA were done. They only had guys like Ron Mahay, Fabio Castro and CJ Wilson left in the bullpen. When things got dicey in the 9th for Francisco Cordero, Rick Bauer started warming up in the bullpen.

Rick. Bauer.

The same Rick Bauer that has given up 14 hits in 11.2 innings this season.

Because Mahay, Castro and Wilson are all left-handed, Buck surely would have gone with Bauer in the 10th with three righties (Kendall, Ellis and Payton) due up.

Bauer's BAA this season versus righties is .357.

I guess maybe he would have stuck with Cordero. But he wasn't exactly in top form either.

Why is Macha so retarded that he couldn't see that their bullpen was vulnerable? Wilson and Mahay had worked the night before. And they suck.

Extend the game, make them exhaust their bullpen and put yourself in a better position to win today's AND tomorrow's game. It's basic strategy.

Alfonseca and Otsuka have now pitched two days in a row. After last night's the blowup, Cordero will most likely be unavailable too. But Macha let Showalter rest the rest of their relievers. They may be crappy. But they'd be even crappier if they had to work two days in a row. So not only did Macha fuck us last night, he's already fucked us today too.

Amazing.

Swisha Da Wigga

Nick Swisher is an interesting character. He talks a lot. He thinks he's black. And a good ol' country boy.

Interesting.

This off-season, I thought Swish would have a rough go of it this year. That hasn't proven to be the case. He's off to a really good start. Take a quick perusal of the internet and you'll find mixed reactions regarding Swish. Some believe he's "evolving". Others say he's already "made the leap". Then there's the skeptics who toss around words like "fluke" and "hot streak".

So let's take a look at the numbers.

Year       Team(s)         AB   Avg   OBP  Slg%  BB/K BB/PA  K/PA
2002  Vancouver/Visalia   227  .242  .360  .410  .661  .143  .217
2003  Modesto/Midland     476  .256  .363  .447  .624  .136  .218
2004  Sacramento/Oakland  503  .266  .400  .523  .925  .178  .192
2005  Oakland             462  .236  .322  .446  .500  .105  .211
2006  Oakland              61  .328  .397  .787  .400  .088  .221

The most surprising thing about Swisher's start has got to be his average. It's never been spectacular. Hell, it's never been decent. But as high as he's bumped up his average is this season, his OBP hasn't made the same leap. As a matter of fact, he's walking at a lower rate than he ever has.

Is this because he's being more aggressive at the plate?

Probably.

Last season Swish saw 4.13 pitches per plate appearance. That was 8th best in the league. This year he's at 3.79 #P/PA. That's about 40 spots lower. I'd say that was a pretty significant drop.

But the rise in average, OBP and Slg% is probably more significant. And important. So if Swisher's going to keep knocking the snot out of the ball, he stop walking. He can even keep doing that silly hippity hoppy handshake with Milton Bradley.

But here's the bad part: Swisher's still striking out. And striking out a lot. Take a look again at Swisher's K/PA rate throughtout is professional career. It's been pretty consistent. The guy will strikeout about once every five plate appearances. That's still the case this year. In fact, his K/PA rate is slightly higher than it's ever been. He's on pace to strike out 135 times this season. That's ridiculously high. I'd tend to think that it means he's going to get figured out. Guys that strikeout a lot and walk a lot tend to be successful, but guys with high strikeout rates and low walk rates don't. And Swish ain't walking.

Now if history tells us that Swisher will strikeout a lot and hit for a low average and he's STILL striking out a lot, why is his average so high this year?

Zach, from Elephants in Oakland, believes that a good part of Swisher's success this year has been because he's really been punishing pitchers on mistakes.

"I made a couple of bad pitches and they took advantage of them."

--Mike Mussina, on the homeruns he gave up to Nick Swisher and Eric Chavez

Swisher's first homer off of Carlos Silva was a good piece of hitting on a 91 mph fastball that was left over the plate. Swish took it the other way for an opposite field shot. Swisher clobbered an 0-0 92 mph inside fastball off of Silva later in that game.

Padilla left a fastball up and over the plate that Swisher pulled for his fourth homer of the year.

(If I could figure out how come I can't save screen caps from the MLB media player, I'd post some pics. Maybe some of you nerds could help me out.)

"I tried to guide it in there, and I guided it down the middle of the plate."

--Justin Verlander, on the first HR he gave up to Swisher

"I was thinking, 'Here comes the change,' twice. The first time, he threw a fastball, and I swung anyway and fouled it off. The second time, I said, 'Here comes the change,' and you've just got to believe it was coming."

--Nick Swisher, on the second HR he hit off of Verlander

Swisher's grand slam came off of a Jeff Weaver breaking ball that really hung up there good.

Yesterday, Nick turned on a high, inside fastball from Escobar.

I'd stop with the fastballs middle in, if I was writing the book on how to figure out Swish. He's pummeling those pitches pretty good. Are those pitches "mistakes"? I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that they were "bad" pitches, but they ARE pitches he can certainly handle.

The interesting part will be to see how Swisher adjusts when guys start working him away, away, away. He hasn't shown with any amount of consistency that he can take those the other way. Hopefully, he can adjust better than Dan Johnson.

So IS Nick evolving as a hitter?

Maybe. He's changing some. Taking advantage of pitches he can handle early in the count, instead of working deep into counts. So far the results have been really good, but I don't think I'm at all ready to say that he's the "real deal".

I'm still very concerned that he's striking out. He's 0-4 with three strikeouts and just one walk on full counts this year. With a full count, a good hitter will either 1) battle until they get a good pitch to hit or 2) battle until they draw a walk. Swisher's striking out. That worries me.

I worry that he won't adjust. That the average and power will go away when he's continually getting worked away. And with the walks diminishing and the increasing strikeouts, that could be bad news.

I guess we'll see.

The Return

So where have I been you ask? And if you did not ask that, you sure as hell should. My break from the firemacha insanity was started by a major malfunction on my pornography machine (computer) last week which resulted in me having to have my hard drive replaced. Luckily the guy, who by my estimation had never been laid, at the local computer emporium was not only able to replace my hard drive, but fetch all of my data on the old hard drive so I would not lose all of the stuff that took me years and years to compile. I salute him for this task and hope that when he returns to his home tonight he is greeted by a horny woman at his doorstep whose car had just by chance broken down in front of his house. And who among us hasn't been there?

It was just vapor lock.

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact the A's are losing or the fact that Jason Kendall has turned into, as Mike Golic would say, "A bed wetting mama's boy."

You see, for the past 7 or 8 years the Elephants in Oakland have been what keeps me going in baseball season. My logic on this has always been if they can do it....we can do it. We being the Pirates of course. But the more you lose, the more hope I lose. Ken Macha needs to do his hometown some good and win a few games so he can once again inspire the hope we had when we all learned he would not be managing the Pirates.

Ha.

The one thing Billy Beane has in common with Kevin Towers is these two guys are the only GM's in baseball that have been completely bent over the bed rail and smacked on the permanent vertical smile by David Littlefield in a trade. Picture that if you will.

While the Jason Kendall trade did not bring us a player as great as Jason Bay (and he is great, so great I dream about him at night) the Kendall trade was just as big of a theft. Through some nifty horse trading Diamond Dave was able to trade Jason Kendall for Mark Redman and the ghost of Arthur Rhodes, who he then turned around and traded for the roided up ripped body that is Matt Lawton who was then dealt at the deadline for the genius Jody Gerut. Mark Redman on the other hand decided he would pick up his player option (to the tune of 4.5 million dollars) and play the 2006 season with the Pirates...only Diamond Dave would have none of this, and appearantly neither would Allard Baird. Baird not only traded for Mark Redman, but he gave up two useful relief prospects (Jonah Bayliss and Chad Blackwell....Blackwell average about 14 k's per 9 innings in the minors) AND picked up all of Mark Redmans salary.

Wow.

The only reason I didn't include Mr. Baird in the "GM's that got bent over by Diamond Dave" is because Allard Baird is like the Tara Reid of MLB GM's....everybody gets a turn. Speaking of which, could you imagine what that would be like at this point? It has to be like a big old roast beef sandwich just falling out all over the place. Disgusting.

And now, you're questions:

Question the first: Ghostofaspast asks:

How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball team in the world?

Answer: Here is the question you should have asked. How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball AND hockey team in the world?

The answer to this I think is never. No city has ever seen so much joy in one time of the year only to be worked over in the groin area like we have been. To make matters worse, we don't even know how much longer we'll have our hockey team (which would could be pretty good in a year or two with young players like Sidney Crosby, or as Greg refers to him as, "Sidney Sweetnuts.") and we know that Kevin McClatchey, aka, Daddy Warbucks, will never sell his team to someone who gives a damn as long as he keeps making 20 million dollars a year.

Thanks for making feel bad ghost.

On the bright side we've got less than a week until the Steelers draft their next all-pro after 30 or so teams passed on him to pick some guy that ran a 4.2 40 and bench pressed a house.

Question the second: Roman asks:

If Ryan Doumit is such an offensive All-Star why does he only have two rbi? HUH!??!?

Answer: Obviously, this is a response to my rant about the guy who was talking jive on Jason Bay for only having two rbi (after like, 6 games)....touche roman. Toufuckingche. Of course, I do have an answer to this. It's a couple part problem.

1. He's currently injured.
2. He plays for the Pirates, thus he never has a chance to get RBI.
3. Humberto Cota plays for the Pirates at the same position Ryan Doumit plays (Yes...THE Humberto Cota).
4. Jim Tracy manages the Pirates which makes #3 a crucial point.

Before Ryan Doumit got hurt Jim Tracy took it upon himself to name Humberto Cota the starter because Tracy "didn't like the way Doumit set up his target behind the plate."

I swear to God. That was his reasoning. He didn't like his target.

Of all the Macha-esque little league things....

Question The Third: darthmoridin asks:

How fast can Uncle Steve bring it? I gotta imagine that he would put the fear of God into batters lumbering in from the bully, swigging on a can of Natural Light as he takes the mound.

Answer: This one took a little research, so I decided to call Uncle Steve and ask him if he ever took part in the grand game of baseball. He said that yes, as a matter of fact he did. Naturally I was a little surprised by this, so I asked him how fast could bring it?

"Bring what?" he responded.

"Your fastball," I said.

"My fastball?"

"Yeah, your fastball."

"What do you mean how fast can I bring it?

"How hard can you throw it."

"Well, I could imagine that I could break a window if I wanted to."

"I see."

Fast enough to break a window. Somehow I can picture him trying to time his fastball with the speedometer in his car.

Question the fourth:

If Ken Macha and Jim Tracy were forced to fight in a steel cage death match who would be the winner and what impact would this have on the universe as a whole?

Answer: The winner would be the fanbase of the loser and the impact on the universe would be beyond measuring.

Sleepless Nights

Editor's Note: I've replaced AthleticsNation in the blogroll with the hippest, most dopest, friggity fresh blog to evah hit the da 'net.

Okay, so it was just one night. But I actually did lose sleep last night because of Macha. First time this season that's happened to me. My mind kept racing. There were several factors that contributed to this:

1) Macha's douchebaggery,
2) Extra Innings with Robert Buan,
3) AthleticsNation.

But I guess I brought it all upon myself because I:

1) watched the game, instead of actually working,
2) have ears, and
3) decided to visit the most popular weblog in all the land.

I laid there in bed still dissecting Macha's pathetic bullpen management over the past week. My mind was trying to comprehend how someone so smart (Macha took Calculus, you know) could be so stupid. I was thinking of how Macha's left the bullpen in shambles with a series against a division rival starting tonight.

And that's where I'll begin my little tirade today. (Talk about a lousy segue.)

Street's definitely unavailable, Duchscherer should be unavailable and the last time Saarloos went in back-to-back games was September 21st and 22nd...of 2003. At least Kiko Calero's fresh. Too bad Macha won't use him.

I thought Macha was going to use him on Tuesday. But that crazy rascal pulled the ol' switcharoo on me. On all of us.

Holding a slim one-run lead, Macha got Calero up with two outs in the top of the 8th. I couldn't believe my eyes. Macha was about to do something right! He was going to rest Huston Street.

You see, Street had worked in three of the previous four days. And that last game didn't go so well. Because he was being overworked. By our retarded manager.

So, here I am, telling everyone in the Elephants in Oakland webchat that Macha's doing the right thing. That Street could really use two days off instead of just one. Some jackass chimes in saying that Street needs to get back on the horse as soon as possible. I say he can get back on the horse after one more day of rest.

After an uneventful top of the 8th, Mark Kotsay leads off the bottom of the inning for our team. With ZERO outs and a 1-2 count on Kotsay, Street gets up. Calero had sat down between innings.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Why the hell did he get Calero up?

Our two, three and four hitters were still going to bat. What if we scored two or three more runs? Was he then going to sit Street and get Calero back up.

And, serioulsy, what the hell did he get Calero up for with TWO outs and the bases EMPTY in the top of the inning? He wasn't going to be bailing Duchsherer out a jam. There was no jam.

I still can't understand the logic behind getting Calero up in the 8th if he wasn't going to use him in the 9th. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. What the fuck did he get him up for? Why didn't he just rest Street?

Much to my surprise, Street retired the three batters he faced without incident. I honestly believed he was going to get knocked around a little. But he didn't. And I was happy that our A's came away with the win.

But what's this?

Street strained a muscle?

On Tuesday?

When he should have been resting?

Ya' don't say?

OF FUCKING COURSE HE STRAINED A MUSCLE!!! That's gonna happen when Kenny Retarded thinks his closer is a fucking mule!

Now, I'm no doctor. I'm just a common man. A simple man. Not a supernatural man. Not an especially smart man. I'm just a dude. I like beer and baseball. Boobies and cage fighting. Lesbos and Chinamen.

I haven't spent a significant portion of my life deeply entrenched in this game of baseball. I've never been in a Major League clubhouse or dugout. Hell, I've never even kept score at a game.

I'm just a guy.

And if an simple fella like me can see that Huston Street could use another day off, why can't Ken Macha and his staff of retards?

But, hey, at least the kid's got his confidence back.

I keep thinking about how this all could have been avoided if Macha hadn't have brought Street into the 9th inning of a game in which we were trailing by three. Yup, trailing. Not leading. Trailing.

We hadn't scored three runs in eight innings that day. We sure as hell weren't going to score three in the final one. Sometimes you gotta know when to fold 'em. I think that would have been the perfect time to use the new mop-up man, Kiko Calero. With 11 games in the following 12 days, Street might, you know, be needed when we were actually leading a game in the 9th inning.

But, alas, Macha Mongoloid brought in Street to keep the game within reach. And he promptly gave up a run. Throwing 25 pitches in the process. Forcing Macha to bring in Calero anyway.

Macha's going to make like a million dollars this year. Unbelievable.

So, I've got my opinions on Macha. But for some stupid reason, I like to get other points of view. So I listened to Extra Innings after the game yesterday. Something I rarely do. I gotta admit, it was pretty enjoyable. I guess that's because everyone was (rightfully) bashing Macha. But there was everyone's favorite Filipino standing up for the silver-haired stallion.

"Wouldn't you agree that Macha's an idiot?"

--Joe in Walnut Creek

Joe in Walnut Creek might actually be Bob in Berkeley or Dan in Des Moines. That part isn't really important. What IS important is Buan's continual dick sucking (JoeSpeaker says that's a newspaper term) of Ken Macha.

"Well, the A's HAVE had winning seasons each of Macha's three years at the helm."

"Well, sometimes the manager pulls all the right strings and the players don't come through."

"Well, why is that the Macha gets the blame for the losses, but the players get the credit for the wins?"

Well, how 'bout you just shut the fuck up? Or grow a pair and call it like it is. The beat writers sure as shit aren't going to do it.

Oh, you haven't heard? Angel Hernandez is the one that cost the A's yesterday's game. Not Macha. Duchscherer's the one that couldn't hold on to the lead. Macha didn't pull him too late. Scutaro wasn't an option to pinch-hit for Johnson because he's righty. But, wait, doesn't Jason Kendall bat right-handed? How come no one asked why he didn't get pinch hit for?

'Cause they're pussies. Big, fat, loosened-labiaed pussies.

That's why we got blogs. To tell it like it really is.

Right?

"In the past week, Haren, Loaiza, and Blanton have combined for four outings in which they were shelled (I'm not even counting Zito's second stinker), while Street and Duke have blown saves.

If 3 of your starters, your closer, and your set-up man are going to perform very badly next time they pitch, how good a manager are you going to look like?

Not very good. And when fans start complaining, "Why didn't he put in Saarloos sooner?" in save situations, you know it's gotten bad.

Can't we just accept that the team is playing badly right now, with everyone doing just enough to lose? It happens."

--Nico, AthleticsNation

Guess no one over there noticed that in the past week, Haren threw 8 innings of one-run ball. Or that Loaiza had his best start as an A, giving up three earned runs in six innings pitched. That's 14 innings (out of a possible 18) with a combined 2.57 ERA. Yeah, they really got their asses handed to them.

I mean, why let facts get in the way of your smugness?

Me and my Cellular Banana won't be making the mistake of vising that homerfest again anytime soon.

One more thing -- if they players write the lineup, why is Bobby Crosby still batting 3rd? The guy still can't grab the bat with his entire left hand. To struggle is one thing, but to be physically unable to perform to the best of your abilities is another. Maybe drop him down in the order until he's 100%? Call me crazy, but having a guy batting one-handed in the most important spot in the lineup might not be the best idea in the world. It's just a thought.

And if there's a positive going into the series with the Angels, it's that their bullpen is kind of spent too.

Innings Pitched, Last 3 Days
            4/18   4/19   4/20
Rodriguez     -     1.0    1.1
Shields      2.0    1.2     -
Donnelly      -     0.2    0.2
Romero       0.1    0.2     -
Gregg         -      -     4.0

Yan's been gettin' the Calero treatment, so he's fresh, but each of their four top relievers have worked twice in the past three days. If our sluggers can get to Lackey early tonight, we might not be too fucked. Lackey's 6-1 with a 3.24 ERA against us in 13 career starts, so that's probably easier said than done. But you know me, always the eternal optimist.
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Blown save and failed rally equal A's loss
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Zito flashes high side in Jekyll-Hyde season
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito still struggling a bit despite improved results
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Street's pec minor a minor concern?
Gary Peterson, Contra Costa Times

Blanton needs his space
Glenn Reeves, Oakland Tribune

Trumpet Guy : Musician, A's booster
Brenda Payton, Oakland Tribune

Former Cat Stanley is shifting career gears
Tim Casey, Sacramento Bee Staff Writer (Registration Required)
-Comment: Dan Meyer again pitched well for Sacramento. Bobby's got an interview with Dan up at A's Future.

Hounds fall to Corpus Christi again
Len Hayward,Midland Reporter-Telegram
-Comment: After reading Von Hayes' comments, I believe he and Ken Macha should swap jobs. Not that I have anything against the Midland organization.

Ports swing and miss, and miss, and miss, in latest loss
Scott Linesburgh, Stockton Record

Bieker heats up with winning streak
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Macha's Bullpen Mastery Continues

Does Ken Macha hate Kiko Calero? The guy had faced exactly ONE batter since April 13th before today. One batter. He'd thrown seven pitches in the past seven days.

Since April 13th
             IP
Street       3.1
Halsey       3.0
Duchscherer  2.1
Kennedy      2.0
Witasick     2.0
Saarloos     1.2
Calero       0.1

Calero threw just 9 pitches in two-thirds of an inning today. You think maybe he could have AT LEAST started the 9th?

Duchscherer had his longest outing of the year just two days ago. You think maybe he could have used a day off?

The first four guys that Duchscherer faced all got on base via hit. After a failed sacrifice bunt, Duke threw about 47 pitches to Brandon Inge before walking him. Is it too much to ask to pull a struggling pitcher BEFORE he gives up the go ahead run? You think maybe Saarloos, an extreme groundball pitcher, could possibly get out of the jam BEFORE the Tigers take the lead?

Serioulsy, why can a dope like me see this shit, but our Major League manager can't?

Why is he so goddamned stupid? I mean, I'm not asking him to be extraordinarily smart. I'm just asking that he not be a total incompetent. That he just make basic baseball decisions. But this cocksucker can't do it. He just can't. It's un-fucking-believable.

And let me get this straight -- Macha will bat Melhuse for Dan Johnson, but not for Jason Kendall? The same Jason Kendall that can't hit a ball out of the infield. Why won't this assclown bat Melhuse for Kendall? WHY??? SOMEONE TELL ME?!?!

With only one out, a Melhuse fly ball ties the game. Yes, Melhuse struck out to end the game, but at that point only a hit or a walk would extend the game. His mindset is different with just one out.

Kendall has just one mindset..."Please hit me on the elbow. PLEASE hit me on the elbow."

And if Melhuse had failed, there were still options. Johnson could have hit for himself. Marco Clutcharo could have come off the bench. Payton. Perez. Kielty. Every single one of them would have been a better option than Kendall.

I officiate high school wrestling. Because of he amount of matches going on at the same time at a given tournament, they use "tappers" in lieu of buzzers to signal the end of a period. Usually, they'll get some high school punk to run out to the ref, count down from five and tap the ref when the clock hits zero. It's a pretty easy gig.

You just have to pay attention to the clock, walk to the ref, and tap.

Easy.

Well, during a match this year, I get a tap. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's three seconds left. I tell the kid not to tap me until the clock hit zero. He nods his fat head up and down.

Near the end of the second period, I see the kid out of the corner of my eye sprinting toward me like wasn't paying attention and was about to miss the tap. He gets to me and hurrily taps. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's seven seconds left. I again explain to the kid not to tap me until the clock hits EXACTLY zero. Again he nods his fat head. I ask him if he's sure he understands. He says "Dur."

Dur???

This kid's a retard.

He didn't look retarded. But he was. So he got replaced by a non-retard.

Don't let Macha's suave good looks, flowing sliver hair, and superb gum-chewing techniques fool you.

He's a fucking retard. And needs to be replaced by a non-retard.

Not someone that's extremely intelligent. Not someone that's a great leader. Not someone that has a great passion for the game.

Just someone that isn't retarded.

An Open Letter to Ken Macha

Dear Asshole,

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you because you're so fucking retarded. I hate you because you think Huston Street is Billy Koch. I hate you because Adam Melhuse only has 7 ABs this year (in which he has gotten 4 hits). I hate you because you DH'd Jay Payton and let Mark Kotsay play on that grass-colored concrete in Minnesota.

I hate you because you smell like pee.

I hate you because you somehow manage to leave your starters in too long AND over-use your bullpen. Really think about that one because it takes a real moron to pull that off.

I hate you because 50% of Huston Street's total innings pitched have come in the last three days. I hate you because one of the best pitching staffs in the league has a combined ERA of 5.26. Five. Point. Two. Six.

I hate you because you signed Esteban Loiaza.

I hate you because you didn't get that joke.

I hate you because you came crawling back for your job last October. I hate you because only Eric Chavez had more plate appearances than Jason Kendall last year. I hate you because you trotted out Scott Hatteberg day after fucking day last season. I hate you because in the three years under your "management", lefty specialist Ricardo Rincon faced as many right-handed batters as he did lefties. I hate you because the players like you. I wish they hated you too.

I hate you because I'm smarter than you. You took Calculus? I took Calculus III, motherfucker.

I hate you because Eric Byrnes didn't touch home plate. I hate you because Miguel Tejada stopped running. I hate you because you pinch hit for Dye. I hate you because Tim Hudson got into a bar fight. I hate you because you started Mark Mulder in the most important game of the year. I hate you because you hired Chris Speier as your bench coach.

When I'm watching the NFL draft and you're not, I'm still going to hate you.

Because of you, I now hate gum. And I really used to like gum. Because of you, I now hate Billy Beane. And I really used to like Billy Beane.

I hate you because your the manager of my favorite team.

I hate you because you have ruined the game that I love so much.

I will always hate you,
Roman
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Street bobbles the save
After 21 straight successes, closer has first blown chance since July
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Haren's fastball is starting to come around -- and that's a good sign
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Loaiza's velocity a concern, but he will stay in rotation
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Meyer hits jackpot vs. Vegas
Scott Howard-Cooper, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

Midland hammers 26 hits to clobber Hooks at Citibank
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports complete sweep of Blaze
Stockton Record

Batman Comes To Pittsburgh...And Doesn't Destroy Jim Tracy

Sitting at the bar today watching the Pirates once again get thumped by another sad sack franchise, the guy next to me blurted out, "If Jason Bay is so damn good why does he only have 2 rbi?"

I did not answer him at that moment because had I done so I might have beaten him to death with his sandwich, but now that I have cooled down my emotions I can give a logical, in depth, analyzed, well thought out response. Consider these points:

1. Jason Bay is currently hitting 4th behind the following players: 1. Chris Duffy, 2. Jack Wilson, 3. Sean Casey.

2. Chris Duffy at the moment is hitting .130 (Pirates pitchers are hitting .154) and a .167 On-Base Percentage (again, Pirates pitchers have a .154 On-Base Percentage). He has reached base 5 times this season. Five. FIVE. He has struck out 9 times in 23 at-bats. Even more alarming, of the 92 pitches Chris Duffy has faced this year he has swung and missed 14 of them. Not good. Five times on base. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Five.

3. Jack Wilson in the two spot is actually hitting quite well. .348/.464/.565. 4 walks (to only 2 strikeouts) to go along with the nice line. But...

4. In the 3 spot is Sean Casey. The human double play. No player had a higher double play rate in 2005 than Sean Casey and early on he is on pace to not only break the single season double play record, but shatter it so badly no one may ever come close to it again. It will be the new 56 my friends. Unbreakable.

5. Because of the above, (Chris Duffy going Rafeal Belliard on us, Sean Casey erasing Jack Wilson at every turn) Jason Bay has only had 10 at-bats with runners on base this year....only 4 with runners in scoring position.

Thats why he only has 2 RBI you neanderthal.

- Jeff Francouer is currently 2 for 33 with no walks and 8 strikeouts. But you didn't need me to tell you that.

- The Pirates opened up their home season today and who did they have throw out the first pitch? One of the Steelers? The president? Me? No.

Batman. Not the good batman (Adam West), the fake batman who had to have plastic molded muscles (unlike Adam West, who used his regular body...ALL..WEST) Michael Keaton. The only positive thing about this is Keaton took his pre-game press conference as an oppurtunity to rip Pirates owner Kevin McClatchey and compare him to Donald Sterling, and his team to the LA Clippers. Ouch. Score one for fake Batman.

- Humberto Cota is clearly the Pirates #1 catcher in the eyes of Jim Tracy for one reason: He's better than Ryan Doumit defensively (who could be an All-Star offensively). To demonstrate this today, Humberto Cota managed to mangle what would have been a third strike on Jason Repko(!) by letting it fall harmlessly out of his mitt....instead of being out (Repko tipped it) Repko remained in the box...and put the next pitch off the rotunda in left field and the Dodgers never looked back. But Ryan Doumit can't catch.

- Begin submitting your questions now for next weeks debut of the "Ask Adam" Q & A session. Some questions will be answered. Many will not. Best question gets a free "REO Speedwagon" T-shirt. It has a few mustard stains on it, but the structure and foundation is still sound.

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A's Notes: AL Central a Twinkie no more
A's open series against tough Twins out of vastly improved division
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tibune

Tired of critics, Thomas enjoys fresh start with A's
Dave Newhouse, Oakland Tribune

A's Johnson has lots of pluck, puck
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's like that Scutaro can step in and step up
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Watson, Keisler power River Cats
Jason A. Churchill, Special To The Sacramento Bee

RockHounds Lose
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

They know way to San Jose
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Bullpen continues to shine for Cougars
Paul Johnson, Kane County Chronicle

Fun With Small Sample Sizes

Oakland ranks last in the AL West in batting average, but first in OBP and Runs Scored.

Texas ranks first in the AL West in batting average, but last in OBP and Runs Scored.

Eric Chavez has a higher OPS (.987) than Alex Rodriguez (.953).

Marco Scutaro has a higher OPS (1.356) than Barry Bonds (.750) and Jason Giambi (.590) combined.

Scott Hatteberg has a higher OPS (1.089) than Frank Thomas (.473), Bobby Crosby (.364) and Dan Johnson (.136) combined.

Barry Zito ranks first in the American League with an 11.05 k/9 rate.

The leadoff man for the reigning World Champion White Sox is sporting the current
line: .045 Avg/.087 OBP/.045 Slg%.

Brad Wilkerson is on pace to strikeout 324 times this season.

A lineup composed of nine Chris Sheltons would score 34.61 runs in a nine inning game.

A lineup composed of nine Dan Johnsons would score -1.80 runs in a nine inning game. I don't get it either.

Atlanta leads the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Scored.

Atlanta is last in the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Allowed.

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Harden takes turn posting goose eggs
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's closer not on easy street against Seattle
Ninth-inning 'underhanded lollygagging' is a near disaster for Oakland
Joe Roderick, Contra Costa Times

A'S REPORT
Hot-hitting Kotsay to rest his aching back some this week in Minnesota
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito praises many AL cities, including Seattle
'Potential free agent' is keeping as many teams as possible interested
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Dan Johnson will be present for tributes to idol Puckett
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Beltre on brink of being a bust
Ted Miller, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Portland pounds the Cats
Joe Freeman, Special to The Sacramento Bee

Hounds earn split with Frisco
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports get first win
Webb sharp in second game of doubleheader
Kevin Niendorf, Stockton Record

Italiano dazzles until running into trouble
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Welcome Back, Macha

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welllllcome baaaaack.

I thought we'd lost you there, my old, retarded friend. I just KNEW you couldn't have gotten any smarter over the past six months. And, in retrospect, you were probably more lucky than good the last couple of games versus the Yankees. You were lucky that little Marco Scutaro and an outstanding 8th inning absolved you from exhausting your bullpen on Opening Night. And as I've had time to further digest the events of the Opening Night debacle, why did you pull Zito right AFTER he gave up the grand slam? You couldn't have possibly thought the game was still winnable. The game was still winnable BEFORE he gave up the grand slam. You should have pulled him then, asswhipe (not a typo). But after he gave up the knockout blow, everyone in the stadium knew that we weren't going to win the game. So why not leave Zito out there? He'd thrown less than 60 pitches. You should have left him out there to clean up his own mess. He might have gotten you another inning. Maybe two.

And maybe Kirk Saarloos would have been available last night, when you again decided to pull your starter too late.

Loaiza looked pretty bad last night. Yet you thought it best to trot him out there inning after inning when he clearly didn't have his best stuff.

"He had a couple of misses on location. Not any big innings, but he got his pitch count up."

--Ken Macha

He had given up four runs in only three innings pitched. And he had already thrown over 75 pitches.

But at least he stayed away from the big inning.

Dumbass.

Admittedly, your bullpen options were limited. But that's your own damn fault. And I can only imagine how bad of a shape the bullpen would be in if Tuesday's game had gone into extra innings.

And kudos to you for that outstanding lineup you so masterfully composed last night.

Before last night's game Mark Ellis and Dan Johnson were a combined 2-for-20. Why ON EARTH you thought it would be a good idea to bath them 3rd and 5th, respectively, I'll never know. Not surprisingly, they went hitless in eight combined plate appearances, leaving seven on base.

When I saw Scutaro at the top of the lineup, I thought to myself, "Self, I guess the players are writing the lineup tonight. Hot guys in the heart of the order. Cold guys at the bottom. Kendall out of the lineup altogether."

At least Kendall was out.

You almost had me. I almost fell for it. For the briefest of moments I actually thought that after nearly 500 games as a Major League manager, you were starting to figure this gig out. But, alas, you've proved that you're still the dumbass we've all grown to hate.

Welcome back, my grey-haired punching bag.
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Loaiza fizzles in debut
He lasts only 4 2/3 in loss to Seattle
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Japanese media ask Macha
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Bradley quickly fitting in with team's philosophy
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Cats tagged by familiar face
Doug Binder, Special to Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

RockHounds drop season opener on road at Frisco
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Opening Night
Weather cooperates, Nuts don't in loss
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Cougars pull off rare scoring feat
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Post-Series Questions

If Bobby Crosby hadn't have gotten hurt, would we have gotten swept?

I'm glad that Marco Scutaro had had these two great games, but is it bad that I'm only happy because I think it'll up his trade value?

If Frank Thomas thought he had hit a homerun, why did he grimace when he took his very first step out of the box?

Doesn't Milton Bradley look angry even when he's happy?

Who's going to be the one to tell Nick Swisher that he isn't black?

Is it possible that I'm a better defensive second baseman that Robinson Cano?

I thought that maybe Duchscherer's success last year was a bit of a fluke. Now I think I'm falling in man-love with him. Anyone else?

Eight k's and ZERO bb's for Haren last night. Is it too early to say that he's going to be our most reliable starter this year?

Thomas, Swisher, Johnson and Payton are all on pace to get over 430 PAs. When the players "start writing the lineup", who's going to be the odd man out?

You're a dope if you think Bobby Crosby could have avoided being spiked with a sweep tag.

The above one was a comment, not a question. This one too.

Did Ken Macha REALLY just out-manage Joe Torre two games in a row?


Bob Geren's really the one pulling all the strings, right?

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There's some good stuff floating around Al Gore's internet. Be sure to check out the following blogs:

Bobby over at The Future of A's Baseball recently posted his exclusive interviews with Ryan Webb, Brian Snyder and Brad Knox.

Elephants In Oakland may be a jerk (so they say), but that didn't stop him from adding a webchat feature to his blog. I've used it during all three games this year. There's some good conversation going on during the game and it's a hell of a lot better than continuously refreshing a 400-odd comment thread.

Ken Arneson over at catfishstew made an excellent analogy today.

"Playing against the A's will be like playing a master baseline player in tennis: they'll just keep putting the ball back in your court, time and time again, steadily, steadily, steadily, until you finally make a mistake, and you lose.

Each A's game becomes a bet with the other team: I bet you can't play as long as we can without making a costly pitching or defensive mistake. And whatever kind of mistake you make, we have enough power, or speed, or contact skills, or patience to take advantage of it."

PatheticsNation continues to make me chuckle.

Score One For The Skipper

It took some help from a think-accented, Venezuelan, midget, but Macha finally out-managed someone. It only took 493 games.

So here's to you Ken Macha. This pack's on me. (Delivery courtesy of Tony DeFrancesco)

Seriously, when you've got Scott Proctor, literally the 25th man on your roster, and Mariano Rivera, arguably the best reliever in the history of the game, both warming up in your bullpen, who in their right mind chooses to go with Proctor in the 9th inning of a tie game?

And it wasn't just Joe Torre's stupidity that earned Macha five pieces of his favorite treat. To his credit, he made some pretty good moves.

Okay, he made ONE good move. But that's one more than I'm used to seeing in any given game.

Macha could have gone with Kennedy with two outs in the 6th and two lefties in a row due up, but he didn't. He went with Duchscherer. And after making Cano look like a dope, he tossed a scoreless 7th.

Kennedy was pretty much Kenny's only option in the 8th, since he used up about 17 pitchers in Monday's blow-out. And, luckily, that worked out too.

I'll admit that if Macha had his full arsenal of bullpen arms available, he might have very well fucked everything up. But fortunately for us, he chose to display just about every one of his relievers to the Opening Night audience.

In my heart of hearts, I know that it was bench coach and manager-in-waiting Bob Geren that chose to go with Duchscherer in the 6th, but this ONE time, I'm willing to let Macha have his time to shine.

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SCUTARO GETS AN A
Single in 9th upends Yankees
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Crosby expected to miss week with deep cut in left finger
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Who else? Scutaro gets it done
Crosby replacement gives A's dramatic first win over Yankees with RBI single in ninth
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

A'S NOTES
Injured Crosby out a week
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Harden has the right stuff for greatness
Monte Poole, Oakland Tribune

Scutaro walks off as a hero
HIS CLUTCH HIT IN 9TH ALLOWS A'S TO FORGE VICTORY OVER YANKEES
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Crosby's finger isn't broken but will idle him for week
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Scutaro swats Athletics past Yankees
Walk-off single gives A's their first win of the season
Rick Eymer, Special to MLB.com

No Excuses From Proctor as Yanks Fall in 9th
Tyler Kepner, NY Times

Yanks forget their 'A' game
Scott takes loss, but all to blame
Sam Borden, NY Daily News

OPPORTUNITY BUT NO KNOCKS
George King, NY Post

Proctor, Yanks suffer tough loss vs. A's
Walk-off single does in Bronx Bombers for first time in 2006
Mark Feinsand, MLB.com

Attack Of The Heads

One of my first encounters with Julies extended family came at cookout her aunt and uncle were throwing a couple years back. It was about an hour and a half drive and I was nervous as hell, because...well... everyone was going to be there. Her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, several heads of state....a real orgy of the minds if you know what I mean. During the drive Julie was quiet, getting her to say two words was like pulling teeth, which should have tipped me off that something was wrong. Ususally Julie carries the conversation while I sit there looking pretty and nodding like a damn fool, but not this time.

"Are you okay" I asked.

"Huh...oh...yeah. I'm fine." she responded.

"You seem a little tense"

"No...no...it's just....well. We don't see this particular aunt and uncle very often. They're a little...odd."

"oh...I see."

Eventually we arrived at the house, a normal looking house, two stories...nice front porch...and one of the crappiest looking shacks of a shed I ever saw in my entire life out back. The rest of the house looked so normal I just brushed it off as an old shed they hadn't torn down yet. How wrong I was.

As we walked down the sidewalk Julie stopped and looked over at me and said, "Adam...how much do you love me?"

Ohhhh. So it was one of those families.

"Trust me Jules, there is nothing that can go on today that would ever make me stop loving you. I'm sure I'll get along just fine with everyone."

"Just remember hun, we don't see some of these people very often."

Julie rang the doorbell and a few seconds later the door was opened by a woman who had the June Cleaver look down pat.

"COME ON IN KIDS! WELCOME, WELCOME."

The inside of the house was beautiful, the type of house my mom would like. Antiques everywhere, great looking furniture and the smell of freshly baked bread that would make a fat man orgasm with one whiff of the nose. What the hell was she so worried about? Her aunt led us into the kitchen where the smell became even stronger as two piping hot loaves of bread sat on the counter, this was great. And then....it began.

"STEVE! JULIE AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE HERE!"

With that comment, came the man...the myth...the legend....Uncle Steve. If her aunt was June Cleaver, i'd consider her uncle to be the mutated spawn of Grizzly Adams and the Undertaker (you know, the wrestler?). He stood about 6'4 alteast 250 and was dressed for success. Work boots, ripped jeans, a sleeveless flannel shirt with a stained Ted Nugent t-shirt underneath.

Holy crap.

"This is Adam, Julies boyfriend!"

He approached me, looked me up and down and just as I held my hand out to shake he slapped me on the back, almost knocking me over, and yelled out, "SO THIS MUST BE THE LUCKY GUY!"

Yeah. Thats me.

"WHY DON'T WE LET THE LADIES FINISH UP THE FOOD AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT BACK AND SHOW YOU MY WORKSHED!"

Oh god. I followed the mountain man out the kitchen doorway when I felt Julie grab onto my arm, "I'm soooo sorry" she whispered.

As we approached the shed the smell shifted from freshly baked bread to the type of smell you'd get if a thousand farm animals crawled up the asshole of a thousand other farm animals and died. I wanted to vomit.

He led me into the shed and turned on a small overhead light,

"CAN I GRAB YOU A BEER ALAN!"

"Adam actually, but yeah, sure, i'll take a cold one."

He walked over to an old dust coverered fridge that looked like it came out of the 1940's, grabbed a can of natural light, cracked it open, took a giant swig out of it, handed it to me, and grabbed a fresh one for himself. Again he looked me up and down and offered a friendly slap on the back, again almost knocking me over.

"AH, YEAH. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT."

I looked at the half empty can of beer and wondered if I would ever see Julie again. This wasn't really happening was it? As I stood in the shed I felt like I was being watched. And not just by Uncle Steve. I don't know how this wasn't the first thing that caught my eye when I entered, but I began to figure out what that ungodly smell was. It was the decor of the shed, a little different from the house, but...interesting. There had to be atleast 10 of them, maybe more....but there they were...just staring at me. Mocking me. Heads. Not stuffed heads from a taxidermy...but just...heads. A bear head, a deer head, a couple squirrel heads, and one head that i'm not sure what it was...If I had to bet i'd say it was a gator, but that just seemed to impossible.

"YOU A HUNTER ALAN?"

I looked back at the door to see who came in named Alan, soon realizing he was talking to me.

"Nah, I do a little fishing though."

"WELL THEN YOU'LL LOVE THESE!"

He walked over into the corner and picked up a bucket full of...yup...you guessed it. Fish.

"CAUGHT EM LAST NIGHT DOWN AT THE POND. BEAUTIES HUH?"

"Oh yeah, every one of them."

"I'M THINKIN' I MIGHT GRILL A FEW LATER ON THIS WEEKEND."

At that moment I heard the door open and to my amazement it was Julies dad.

"Hey Adam, Julies wants to talk to you in the kitchen," he said with a smile.

This was the first time I had ever been thrilled to see her dad burst in through a door, as I walked out the door he grabbed the can of Natural Light out of my hand, shot me a wink, and gave me a pat on the back as if to say, way to take one for the team, let me take it from here.

We ate dinner (I hardly touched it not knowing what the hell was in it) and left soon after. To make up for my horror Julie rocked my world that night like she never had before and to this day she's never come close. Oh, what a night.

It didn't stick out to me at that point in time because I had little idea as to who Ken Macha even was, but as I look back on it today there a couple of things that really make me wonder:

1. If Ken Macha packed on about 100 extra pounds and grew a beard, I'd swear he was Uncle Steve.

2. Any of those mutated heads could do a better job of managing a baseball team than Ken Macha.

Last nights A's game also made me think of that day. I was Barry Zito. The Yankees were Uncle Steve. Ken Macha was supposed to send in Julies Dad to take one for the team. You know what I mean, every major league team has that one guy on their pitching staff that comes in during blowouts to save the rest of the bullpen for those few games that are beyond hope (we as Pirate fans have come to know those few games as the Pirates season)....only Ken Macha seems to think he has five of those guys. Who in the hell uses FIVE pitchers in a 15-2 game when you still have two more games in a row against the vaunted New York Yankees?

Ken Macha. Thats who.

What a confused old man.

Tempered Enthusiam

When is it possible for Barry Zito to have the shortest outing of his career and STILL be left in too long?

When Kenny Macha's at the helm!

I keed. I keed.

Placing the blame on Macha for the ass-raping that took place last night wouldn't be fair. Our boys got pounded like a stripper at a Durham frat party. Nothing the white-haired fool could do about that.

But, honestly, who didn't see that one coming?

Of all the Opening Day scenarios that ran through my little head, NONE of them included our mighty A's winning. I didn't expect the ass whooping that was handed to us last night, but I didn't see how our simple-minded starter and his even simpler-minded manager could navigate us to a victory. I DID think we'd knock around Randy Johnson a little, so I might have to lower my expectations for the offense, but I'm not all that bummed.

Now, I WILL be pissed if we lose tonight. It shouldn't even be close.

And God help Macha if he leaves Kennedy in too long.

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Feeble opening argument
A-Rod slams Zito, Yankees overpower A's
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Thomas saves opener from being total loss
Bruce Jenkins, SF Chronicle

Start spreading the blues
Zito, A's destroyed in N.Y. minute
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Payroll keeps going up
Beane credits Wolff for allowing team to acquire high-priced players
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Killion: Oakland fails first hype test with N.Y.
Ann Killion, San Jose Mercury News

CROSBY INJURED IN RECORD LOSS
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

A's owner in Fremont for meetings
'STADIUM VILLAGE' IS SUBJECT OF TALKS WITH COUNCIL MEMBERS
Barry Witt, San Jose Mercury News

A's Opening Night is more of an opening flop
Paul Gutierrez, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

Thomas homers, but A's lose to Yanks
Big Hurt goes deep in first at-bat; Zito chased after 1 1/3 innings
Mychael Urban, MLB.com

A-Rod's slam pops A's Zito
Randy, Bombers blast off in style
Sam Borden, NY Daily News

YANKEE RIPPERS
A ROD SLAMS A'S IN OPENING NIGHT ROUT
George King, NY Post

Every Yankee Does His Part in Opening Rout
Tyler Kepner, NY Times

Yankees open floodgates on Zito, A's
Bombers tie team Opening Day record with 15-run outburst
Mark Feinsand, MLB.com

Holy Crap, It's Opening Day!

Time to stock up on the Rolaids.

I'm usally pumped about Opening Day. Most years I call in sick, get drunk and curse at all the dopes on TV.

Not today.

I'm approaching this year with extreme apprehension. As good as this team appears to be on paper, I'm just not excited at all. And there's only one person to blame for that:I didn't used to be this cynical. I didn't used to "hate" anyone. But when the one thing in this miserable world that gives me pleasure is handled like a hen in a cock house, I get a little irate.

So I'm not really looking forward to kicking off the season. I thought about wiping Macha's slate clean and going into the season full of optimism, but decided against it. Now he has to prove to ME that he isn't a retard. Fool me once...

So when this game finally gets played, I fully expect for Zito to get pulled one batter too late, for Kennedy to face one too many righties and for Frank Thomas to lay down a sacrifice bunt.

Somethings never change.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But some things do change. And there's several coming to FireMacha for the 2006 season. I won't reveal them all now, but we've added a new contributor.

And he's fucking hilarious.

(Scroll down to read his first entry).

The Unsatisfying Asswhipe

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my cubicle when I noticed a rumbling down there. You know....down there. I had to poop. And not just any poop. I had to take the biggest Ray Lewis I had ever taken, and I had to do it at work. To a guy, there is no worse feeling than having to do your business in a public bathroom, it just is not sanitary my friends. There is usually pee on the seat, on the floor, and the toilet paper might as well be sand paper without the paper. I hate it. But, considering it was still a few hours from my lunch hour, let alone five o'clock, I had to suck it up and drop it off at work. So I did.

Upon returning to my cubicle I began to notice a little discomfort. An itch if you will. Thinking I was alone I said softly to myself "man, my ass itches." All of a sudden I heard a voice from the other side of the cubicle (John) say, "It sounds like you've fallen victim to the unsatisfying asswhipe."

I paused for a minute and said, "No, Ken Macha didn't get the Pirates managing job."

Ba-doom-ching.

He peaked his head up over the cubicle and looked at me like I had monkeys crawling out of my ears. I don't think he even knew who or what a Ken Macha was, lucky him.

Yes my friends, I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and the last two times our managing position has been open Ken Macha has been one of the leading canidates not only inside the front office, but with fans and media members as well....And luckily, we've avoided the trainwreck both times. The last time we ended up with Lloyd McClendon and while the team sucked, we did get a couple of incredible moments in baseball history:

- He stole a base from an umpire under the logic "I figured he wasn't using it so I might as well take it with me" (direct qoute)
- he physically kicked Tony Larussa's ass at least once
- Both are good things

This time we chose Jim Tracy, and does that make me happy? Yes. Yes it does. Why does this make me happy? Because Jim Tracy interviews and press conferences appear to be even better than ones with Lloyd McClendon (where he would often times use big words in the wrong context) because he asks himself 200 questions and answers all of them in great detail. This is an amazing strategy as it completely avoids the nonsensical bable often times asked by the local beat writers who wouldn't know Tom Gorzelanney from Tom Arnold.

Brief Ken Macha is from Pittsburgh comment:

Murrysville, PA (the birthplace of Ken Macha) has a hillside that spells out the towns name (Murrysville) with a series of Pine Trees. It is sort of like the redneck/hillbilly/mountainman version of the "Hollywood" sign. Only in Murrysville. Birthplace of Ken Macha.

Be sure to tune in next time when I tell you a story from my college days about the body-less heads and how it relates to Ken Machas suckitude.