Fantasy Baseball With Fire Macha
It's common knowledge that Greg and I can out-manage Ken Macha, but can any of you dopes out-manage us? I doubt it, but we're willing to give you, our loyal readers, the chance to do just that.
Just send me your best Macha story, haiku or photo-shopped pic and, if it doesn't suck ass, you might just get the chance to join the most prestigious fantasy baseball league in all the land.
I would only ask that if you commit to this league, you DO NOT abandon your team. If there's anyone I hate more than Ken Macha, it's that asshole that stops checking on his team in May.
We're anxiously awaiting your submissions.
Just send me your best Macha story, haiku or photo-shopped pic and, if it doesn't suck ass, you might just get the chance to join the most prestigious fantasy baseball league in all the land.I would only ask that if you commit to this league, you DO NOT abandon your team. If there's anyone I hate more than Ken Macha, it's that asshole that stops checking on his team in May.
We're anxiously awaiting your submissions.
posted by Roman at 2:37 PM
8 Comments:
About two years ago I was invited to a cookout at Ken Machas house. I was a little unsure about going but I figured this was one of the few times I would ever have the chance to converse one on one with a real big league manager, so I took full advantage of it.
It was a warm day, mostly sunny with a few white puffy clouds here and there as I approached the front door of his home. I rang the doorbell and became a little concerned when the tune that echoed from the halls of his home was the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars.
The door slowly opened as Macha himself peaked out from behind.
"Hello" he whispered in a high pitched voice.
"Um, hey. It's me. I'm here for the cookout."
"WELL COME ON IN!" he shouted, jumping up and down in sheer amusement that someone actually showed up.
The first thing I noticed when I entered his living room was a huge picture that had to measure atleast 20' X 20' that took up the entire back wall of the room.
The truly scary thing about this picture was that it was a photo of Scott Hatteberg and Ricardo Rincon posing topless with their arms around each other.
'Who would have a picture like THIS in their living room?' I thought to myself....
But I wasn't really scared until I noticed the two hand written notes on the bottom of the photo.
The first one on the bottom right hand side read:
"Dear Ken,
Thanks for making me the 'middle man' in your bullpen sandwich.
All my love,
Little Ricky."
Ew.
I noticed a little over to the left of that note was the 2nd note:
"Dear Ken,
Since you lived up to your 'end' of the bargain and hit me in the 4-hole for the entire season i'll live up to my 'end' of the bargain and let you hit me in my 2-hole for all of eternity.
All my love, XOXOXOX
Scotty the hotty."
I left.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA "Little Ricky" and "Scotty the Hottie?"
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
I was gallivanting around William Land Park the other day when I noticed a peculiar sight: an old man, looking to have a severe case of Alzheimer's and carrying a large duffel bag, walking into Fairy Tale Town...by himself. I frowned, and followed the mysterious figure into the children's paradise. As I approached the man, who had wandered over to, as he kept referring to it, "the choo-choo train," I realized that he looked a lot like A's manager Ken Macha. I soon realized that it was indeed Macha when he pulled out a full pack of gum from his duffel bag, stuffed the entire pack in his mouth, and leaned on the steps of the "choo-choo," arms folded across his knee. I realized he was watching one little boy, who appeared to be about five or six years old, in particular. This little boy was smaller than the other boys, but he was trying harder than ever to drive the "choo-choo" on those tracks. Macha soon approached the boy, mouth going 100 MPH with the gum, and smiled in his crooked, scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz mixed with a drunken, stoned version of the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland (hey, this IS Fairy Tale Town!).
"Hey there kid, you seem to try really hard up there on that choo-choo," Macha said to the boy. "What's your name?"
"Scotty," the boy replied, rubbing his hands through his short, reddish hair.
"Well Scotty, how would you like to join my baseball team? I could use someone that tries hard like you to hit cleanup for me."
"Well, sir," the child replied, respectfully looking at Macha, "I've already done that. And now I'm moving to Cincinnati." With that, Scott Hatteberg jumped back aboard the choo-choo, and Macha headed off in the direction of the giant shoe, looking for other idiotic ways to fill the cleanup position. I frowned again, and headed back out to the park, where I could follow something smarter than Macha around: homeless people.
Before today, I had never gotten high from just reading.
Congrats, Kerpau.
Let us rejoice in song...
(to the tune of 'Man of la Mancha' (1965))
Hear me now, Oh, thou bleak and unbearable A's fans
Thou art base and debauched as can be
And a skipper with his banners all bravely unfurled
Now hurls down his lineup card to thee!
I am I, Don Ken-xote, the Lord of La Macha
Billy calls and I go
And the wild winds of ineptness shall carry me onward
Oh, however much i blow
however much i blow
Onward to 2nd place I go!
[instrumental break]
Hear me success and playoffs and serpents of sin
All your dastardly doings are past
For a holy endeavor is now to begin
And Macha shall triumph at last.
I am I, Don Ken-xote, the Lord of La Macha.
A name all the world soon will know
I commend all my soul to the wild winds of ineptness
Oh however much i blow
however much i blow
Onward to failure I go!
One day I was walking along a creek and I wanted to get across. I saw Ken Macha on the other side so I yelled,
"Hey how do I get on the other side?"
Mach said, "You are on the other side!"
Hire gabe.
Below is a link to a picture of Macha addressing the South Africa WBC team in Arizona (what little chance the South Africans had of impressing in the WBC have gone out the window now that they've been "inspired" by the Big Turd himself). Is it my impression or does Macha appear to be wearing a South Africa jersey as well? Check out the two gold stripes down the arms... I just pointed this out because it occurred to me that South Africa is closer to the caliber of team that Macha should be managing. Perhaps Beane could trade Macha to SA for their current manager (and A's scout) Rick Magnante? It'd sure be an improvement.
http://us.news2.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/ap/20060224/capt.azbm10802242009.athletics_spring_baseball_azbm108.jpg
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