Keep Chewing that Juicy Fruit, Asshole

Apparently, Ken Macha's idea of a "line-up shuffle" is swapping Jason Kendall and Mark Kotsay at the top of the order. Hey asshole, let me fill you in on a little secret...JASON KENDALL ISN'T HITTING!

Now, I don't really fault Kendall for not hitting that well this season. Whenever a catcher switches leagues, I EXPECT for his offensive numbers to drop significantly. I believe that switching leagues for a catcher is the hardest move to make in all of baseball. And since, from all accounts, Kendall takes the catching/calling aspect of his game very seriously, it doesn't shock me that a career .300 hitter's average could drop 40 points from one season to the next.

I've accepted the fact that Kendall's going to have a sub-par year offensively. It doesn't bother me because what he's done behind the plate is pretty damn remarkable. I'd much rather have a catcher that hits .260, but leads a bunch of twenty-somethings to the lowest ERA in the league, than a guy that hits .300, but is catching a staff with an ERA of 4.50.

But here's the one thing that separates me from Ken Macha: I don't expect Kendall to hit.

Track record, schmack record. If there's one exception to the "hitters hit" theory, this is it.

So if there's a guy on my team that I expect isn't going to hit much more than .250, and if he's proven over the course of the last five months that he ISN'T going to put up the numbers that he has in the past, I'm not going to bat him lead-off. Or second. I'm going to bat him ninth and be thankful for whatever offensive production that nets me. And batting him ninth would be just like having a "second lead-off hitter".

So who takes Kendall's spot in the line-up?

That's right, Mark Ellis. He's got the second highest OBP (behind Dan Johnson) on the team. And he's averaging 3.90 pitches per AB, which would rank 25th in the league (ahead of Mr. Patience, Scott Hatteberg) if he had enough PA's to qualify. These are numbers he's put up with a Kendall "protecting" him in the line-up for a large part of the season. And as a happy coincidence, Ellis just happens to be the hottest hitter on the team.

This would be the perfect time to make the move. And if it doesn't "work," would our mighty A's really be worse off for trying it? I don't think so. August has been Kendall's worst month of the season. Maybe even of his career. I'd have to check. He's hitting .204 this month. Ellis COULDN'T POSSIBLY do worse than that (usually that isn't a valid argument, but not in this case).

So what's keeping Macha from making the move? Kendall's contract? Billy Beane? Stupidity?

It's probably a combination of all three. But if Macha wants to prove to all the doubters (like me) that he isn't a moron, he'd sack up and make some moves. REAL MOVES.

When the team was struggling mightily in May, he just sat on his hands. The jackasses in the media will say that Macha "didn't panic." I say that he was too much of a spineless dope to shake things up. Even after some of the team's veterans went to him with their suggested line-up, he didn't do a damn thing.

I can totally picture him looking over that line-up with that stupid grin on his face. Looking up after about seven seconds, patting Jason Kendall on the back and saying, "That's nice, Jason. Now go outside and play." Kindda like what I do when my two-year-old niece draws me a picture of a horsey before I stick it on my fridge.

Spineless. Gutless. Weak. Going with the same damn line-up day after day doesn't take any balls. Bobby Crosby's average has dropped 50 points over the past two months. But there he is batting third day after day. And I LOVE Bobby Crosby. In my opinion, he's already one of the best shortstops in the league. But if he's struggling mightily over the course of two whole months and I'm managing the Oakland A's, I'm not going to continue batting him third. Not when Dan Johnson's hitting the cover off the ball. Not when Jay Payton's driving in a run per game. Only if Bobby Crosby and I were dating would I start worrying about hurting his feelings.

Same with Hatte. Greg's already covered most of this, but if this moron doesn't start DH-ing Melhuse instead of Hatte after the September call-ups, believe you me, he isn't going to hear the end of it.

Grow some balls, Ken. When you do, I'll be the first to give you props. And for all you gum-chewers out there: Stay away from the Juicy Fruit. It makes you stupid.