Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Declaration of Jihad Against Ken Macha

Assalamu alaikum, my brothers. The following is a declaration of holy war against Ken Macha. We must stand united in this cause and not lose focus of our destiny.

Praise be to Billy Beane. We seek his help and ask for his pardon. We take refuge in Billy Beane from our second guessing and bandwagoning ways. Whoever has been guided by Billy Beane will not be misled, and whoever has been misled will never be guided.

It should not be hidden from you that the people of Oakland have suffered from aggression, inequity and injustice imposed on them by the Macha alliance and their collaborators to the extent that the blood of our beloved Athletics has become the source of ridicule for all in the American League. Their blood was spilled in New York and Boston. The horrifying pictures of the massacre in Tampa Bay are still fresh in our memory. Massacres against Texas, Los Angeles of Anaheim, Seattle, Toronto and San Francisco took place. Massacres that send shivers in the body and shake the conscience.

The people of Oakland awakened and realized that they themselves are the main target for the aggression of the Macha alliance. All false claims and propaganda about "Players writing the line-up" were hammered down and exposed by Eric Chavez when he volunteered to move down in the batting order, but was denied.

By orders from the Macha Alliance, the Oakland Athletics have produced the very worst offense and fifth worst bullpen in the AL. Myself and my group have beared witness to the ineptitude that has produced these results. But by the grace of Billy Beane, we have not thrown ourselves from ledges or gouged our eyes out with butter knives. We ask now that Billy Beane bestow us with victory. He is our patron and he is the most capable.

Today we begin the work: talking and discussing the ways of correcting what has happend to our beloved Athletics. We wish to study the means that we could follow to return the situation to it's normal path. And to return to the people their own rights, particularly after the large damages and the great aggression on the life and love of the people. An injustice that has effected every section and group of A's fans. The civilians, military and security men, government officials and merchants, the young and the old people, as well as high school and university students. Hundred of thousands of unemployed graduates were also effected. Injustice has effected the people of the industry and the people of agriculture. It effected the people of rural and urban areas. Everybody complains of Macha. The situation at the land of Mount Davis has become like a huge volcano at the verge of an eruption that would destroy all of California.

Quick efforts were made by each group to contain and to correct the situation. The unemployed screamed from the bleachers, "PULL CRUZ!!!"

The homies from da ghetto pleaded, "CHIGGIDY-CHECK YO' LINE-UP BEFO' YOU WRIGGIDY-WRECK YO' LINE-UP!!!"

But, to our deepest regret, the regime refused to listen to the people. Accusing them of being ridiculous and imbeciles. The matter got worse as previous wrong doings were followed by mischiefs of greater magnitudes. It is no longer possible to be quiet. It is not acceptable to give a blind eye to this matter.

Therefore it has been agreed that the situation cannot be rectified unless the root of the problem is tackled. Hence, it is essential to force the main enemy, who has been the source of anger, frustration and sorrow, into a state of shame and resignation.

Heckling Ken Macha is a legitimate and morally demanded duty. It is a legitimate right well known to all humans and other creatures. It shall be utilitized from this day forward. I call upon the Oakland faithful to openly berate and humiliate Macha. Whether you witness him walking toward the pitcher's mound or enjoying dinner at a local restaurant, scold him. Do not hold back. Do not feel ashamed. Our destiny must be fulfilled.


Blogger CanYouSmellWhatTheHawkIsCooking said...

Let's sign Jihad and have him bat cleanup.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 1:23:00 PM  

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