Monday, May 23, 2005

Off-Topic Off Day

I don't feel like going off on Macha today for our pathetic offense and his pathetic line-ups. I don't feel like explaining to this idiot that having a couple of guys who are hitting a combined .220-ish bat three-four in the order is dumber than dirt. I feel like starting the week off right.

With a good off-topic rant.

"Don't forget to send it back to the one who sent it to you."
-Anonymous Internet Moron
That was the last line of a chain letter I found in my inbox this morning. Chain letters usually don't piss me off because I don't even bother to read them anymore. But as I scrolled down to hit "Delete" today, that last line caught my eye and sent me into a fit of rage.

Let's pretend I'm one of these morons who spends a few minutes of his worthless life creating some stupid chain letter that's supposed to make all who read it wiser. Maybe I feel it's my duty to remind you how important it is to express your love to you family by sending them pitcures of different colored roses. Or maybe, even though I didn't go to seminary, I feel the urge to preach the gospel to your heathen ass. Why on earth would I want this message back? I know what it says. I WROTE IT. Why would I want my inbox flooded with messages all entitled "FWD: Philippians 4:13" (which is the one I got today).

To see how many lives I've impacted? To see how many people are getting into heaven because of my work? What a self-righteous a-hole that would make me. And that's exactly what you are if you send these pieces of crap. Stop it.

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"You're all set."
--Wells Fargo Password Reseter Girl
Yet here I am 72 hours later without online access to my account. I know I should have gone with my instincts and asked for a man to help me.

No offense to all you women out there, but you broads don't know jack about technology. Be it answering machines or DVD players, women are hopelessly lost. The clock in my wife's car currently reads 27:02. My office secretary yells when she uses the speakerphone.
"Just press the button?"
--Every Woman, just prior to taking a photograph with an unfamiliar camera
No, sweetheart, bang it against your face.

Unfortunately, this even applies to my poor, confused mother. After almost 10 years on e-mail, she still doesn't know how it works. She knows how to e-mail ME, which is extremely inconvenient, but that's about it. I got a message from her the other the day requesting my wife's e-mail address. A simple enough request, so I replied with the address. The next morning I find about half a dozen e-mails from Mom with "FWD: RE: Testing" in the subject line, about half a dozen more entitled "Fwd: Invalid EMail Address Specified" and one more at the top entitled "HELP!!!". My giver of life decided to add "www." to the beginning of the address I provided her with and instead of just going back to the original message and seeing her error, she decided to perform a series of internet experiments.

"I don't think I have to go to the mechanic to fill up my tank."

--Roman

Then there was the time I lent my mother my car while her's was in the shop. It was in perfect running order. But when I got it back she told me that I might need to see a mechanic because my "Check Engine" light was on. It was my "Check Gauges" light. The gauge in need of being checked was the one with it's needle pointed directly toward this big-ass, red "E".

My poor, confused mother. Like most women, she's got no clue. And for some odd reason my dad got this woman a sweet-ass Handycam for their anniversary. It's currently at my house.

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That felt good.

Now scroll down to the end of this post, but while you do, think of a wish. Go for it!!! SCROLL DOWN!!!
*
**
***
****
*****
******
*******
********
*YOU'RE**
***A******
*MORON***
********
*******
******
*****
****
***
**
*
STOP!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true if you forward this post to 10 people in 10 minutes.

Message: This is scary! If you do not send this message to 10 people in 10 minutes, your phone will ring! It will be someone named Roman. Telling you to lick his balls!!!

1 Comments:

Anonymous smac said...

Very nice. You're starting to hit a rhythym. Very Lewis Black-esque.

You're not getting any sex anytime soon, but hey...

Monday, May 23, 2005 3:03:00 PM  

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