Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Everybody Big Hurts

With today's news that the A's have signed Frank Thomas, A's fans have a new first choice as to who they'd want bashing Macha's face with a baseball bat. I mean, let's face fun as it would be to do ourselves, Frank Thomas could do much more damage than any of us. My photoshop skills may be less than par, but that picture of Thomas swinging at Macha's face brings me endless joy. It should bring all of us endless joy.

But seriously, even the most optimistic fan doesn't think Frank will make it through the season healthy. What we do think, however, is that Macha will still find a way to screw everything up. There are going to be points throughout the season when we need to weigh leaving Frank in the game for his bat vs. removing him for a pinch runner, and I have no doubt that Macha will screw that up. How should we construct the lineup for when Frank is healthy? Do we bat our new best hitter third, like the old axiom says, or do we move him down in the order because he's slower than continental drift? I would say that I fully expect Macha to fuck up the lineup, but that would be a lot like saying water is wet; it's just assumed at this point. No matter what Macha eventually does with the lineup, I can guarantee you that it'll be stupid. You know, like Macha.

God damn I hate Macha.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

January 24th: The Most Depressing Day of the Year

That's funny, I thought the most depressing day of the year was that day in September when the Angels celebrate their division championship on our field. Guess I was wrong.
"The worst day of the year is every day that Macha is alive."


This off-season has brought me some hope. Keeping Zito, trading for Bradley, Harden NOT playing in the WBC, the possibility of signing Thomas...

For the first time, IN A LONG TIME, we're adding, not subtracting. And that's a good thing. I SHOULD be optimistic.

But the asshole's still here.

There goes my optimism. As much as I WANT to look forward to the '06 season, I just can't. Not with this asshat still filling out the line-up card.

"Jason [Kendall] is a table-setter. He's a top-of-the-order guy..."

Ken Macha

Good grief.


And for all you depressed dopes out there, maybe the Mexican Macha can cheer you up.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Like to Laugh at Ken Macha?

I know I do. Even when it's not really Ken Macha.

Reporter = Ken Macha
Block Tower = Oakland A's
Goofy Kid = A's Fans

Symbolism at it's finest.

If you're not checking every day, you're really missing out.

Monday, January 16, 2006

I have a dream remix

Martin Luther King was an avid baseball fan. He was shot in the same year the A's moved to Oakland. Coincidence? You bet. But here's the famous speech that he uttered at the Lincoln Memorial back in ought-three (we had to say ought cuz the Kaiser stole our word for sixty), about how much he hated Macha and wished he'd be mauled to death by Grizzly Bears or something. Silver tongue he had, that MLK Jr. And like Yoda do I speak, apparently. But Martin ruled. And not the gay "first snapdragon of the spring" Martin. I'm talking the good Martin. This guy knew what was up. Anywhere, here's the alternate speech that you were never meant to hear:

"I have a dream that one day this Athletics Nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of the following creed: "We hold Ken Macha to be self-evident what a fucking asshole he is: that all men are most definitely not created equal; some of them can use their brains." I have a dream that one day on the brown hills of Oakland, Macha's bloody corpse will be dragged out there and he will be set on fire to live in his own personal know, until he dies. I have a dream that one day even the state of Pennsylvania, a redneck state, sweltering with idiots, will be transformed into a prison for Ken Macha, and he won't be allowed to leave because he's such a fucking doucherag. I have a dream that my children (my proverbial A's fan children) will one day live in a nation where their team isn't automatically eliminated from postseason play before the season but one where they have a chance to see their favorite ballclub win. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of California, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with words that nobody can understand (and your motorcycle accident didn't help in that regard), will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and not have their manager be so god damn retarded. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, the crooked places will be made straight, and Macha will be hung in effigy while he all throw rocks at his head and poke him with sharp things. With this faith our lineups will make sense, our pitching changes will be timely, and our manager will be conscious during games. With this faith we will one day be able to win more ballgames, to stand up and cheer when we win, knowing that we have a chance to win.

This will be the day when some of God's children (the ones who are A's fans) will be able to sing with a new meaning, "Take me out to the ballgame, take me out with the crowd, because our manager isn't a fucking dipshit and watching these bunch of losers might actually be worth my time for once" (GREAT song). Take me out to Anaheim, to Seattle, to New York, to Boston, to Minnesota, and to Tampa Bay. Take me out to the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania. Take me out to the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado. Take me out to the curvaceous peaks of California. But not only that, let Macha be stoned to death in Georgia. Let Macha be attacked by mountain lions or whatever the fuck predators are in Tennessee. Let Macha be shot in the face in Mississippi. From every mountainside, take me out to see Macha's death.

When we let freedom ring, it is because Jason Kendall is batting 9th. Scott Hatteberg isn't batting at all. Barry Zito isn't pitching to Ronnie Belliard when everybody knows that Zito has nothing left. We will be able to speed up that day when our team, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing because they aren't destined to second place. When Ken Macha's bloody, lifeless corpse is hanging on a coat-rack somewhere in the middle of Bumfuck, Ohio, and we're not losing to the Red Sox SOLELY because Macha has the intellectual ability of one of my farts (did you know that Frosted Flakes make your farts much more hilariously smellilicious?), we can all join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last......because Ken Macha is dead of a stab wound to the head!""

Friday, January 13, 2006

It's an honor just to be nominated released their top 3 "Hating Ken Macha" websites, and lo and behold, took home top billing. We here at Fire Macha would like to thank nobody, because if we thanked all those who made this possible, we'd have to thank Macha for being such a fucking retard, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever thank Macha for anything.

Of course, first prize in this contest doesn't seem like such a big deal when you consider that the competition doesn't even accurately fall under the category for which they were nominated, that of "a hater blog devoted to a single person." Neither The Obituarium nor Athletics Nation are "hater blogs," nor are they "devoted to a single person." In fact, the Obituarium isn't even a baseball website.

So yeah, our enthusiasm for being named "The best hater blog devoted to a single person - Ken Macha category" is definitely tempered by the fact that we are the ONLY blog in this category, but first prize is first prize, and we'll take it.

Thanks to all for both your continued support of the website and hatred of Ken Macha.

Happy Friday the 13th

You know those Friday the 13th movies where Jason hacks people to death? Those were horrible movies. You know that manager Ken Macha that hacks the A's seasons to death? He's a horrible manager.

Ken Macha is a black cat walking in your path. He is a broken mirror. He is the vampire standing there when you've just used the last of your garlic for your spaghetti sauce. He is the full moon. He is spilled salt. He is walking on sidewalk cracks. He is walking under a ladder. He is an open umbrella indoors.

Ken Macha is the worst thing in the history of the world. Today, on the first of what will be two friday the thirteenth's in 2006 (the next one is in October, when instead of playing in the ALDS, our season will be over because Macha is a fucking idiot), it is important to step back for a moment and realize just how cursed this franchise is with him as manager. I once showed a picture of Ken to Medusa, and she turned to stone. A werewolf once knocked on my door, but I didn't have any silver bullets, so I instead printed out a picture of Ken from the internet and threw it at it. The werewolf died instantly.

If you're superstitious, you need to get over it. Seriously, what's the worst thing that could happen? Could Macha's lineups gets any dumber? Could Macha have even less of a clue of when to make a pitching change, when to pinch hit for a batter, and who to put in during those situations? Could Macha possibly care less about this team? There is absolutely nothing that can happen to you today that could make your life worse, because there is absolutely nothing worse than Ken Macha.

There's bad luck......and there's Ken Macha. Give me bad luck any day of the week.

Happy Friday the 13th, A's fans.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The Year in Quotes: 2005 First Quarter

"This is a dream come true for me. I'm excited to be a member of the Oakland A's and excited to be playing baseball in America."

--Keiichi Yabu, 1/13/2005

"The talks we've had haven't been real substantive so far, but it's something we'd like to get done. Whether it gets done before Spring Training or not, we'll just have to see how things go. But we're obviously pleased with what Kenny's done here, and he deserves to be rewarded."

--Billy Beane, 1/20/2005

"My focus is on the team right now, and I think everything will work out for everybody. ... I have no problem managing with a one-year contract."

--Ken Macha, 2/10/05

"Juan Cruz should be unhittable."

--Jason Kendall, 2/12/2005

"I'm not giving away '05 -- I'll let everyone else do that. I think we've made more improvements than I think we get credit for. The fact is, whatever happens in 2005, we should be better in 2006 and better in 2007, which was not going to be the case otherwise."

--Billy Beane, 2/20/2005

"I honestly don't care. Whatever happens, I really don't care. And I know that's easier said than done, but after last year, it's not that hard."

--Bobby Kielty, 3/3/2005

"We have a Plan A. We're hoping that our young guys -- Haren, Meyer, Blanton -- that they all work out. So we'll have to see how our rotation goes, if our rotation goes as planned."

--Ken Macha, 3/11/2005

"If I continue to have outings like this, obviously I don't see a problem with me making the rotation. I showcased what I can do."

--Seth "Plan D" Etherton, 3/11/2005

"I'd be very surprised if Mark [Ellis] didn't have a big year."

--Dave Hudgens, 3/18/2005

"No pain at all. Everything is back to normal."

--Octavio Dotel, 3/18/2005

"I consider it a great pleasure to have my name associated with a franchise that has such a rich and proud history as the Oakland Athletics. I am excited about our future and working to continue the A's tradition of excellence both on and off the field."

Lew Wolff, 3/30/2005

Monday, January 09, 2006

The Year in Quotes: 2004 Leftovers

"The last couple of weeks have been horribly difficult. The most important part of the year, and I'm in my biggest funk. I just feel awful, but I've given it everything I have."

--Scott Hatteberg, 10/2/2004

"Of course there's sadness. I grew up here. I've played with these guys for four years. It's almost like a family. That's what sucks about this game, but it's a business and you have to move on."

--Jermaine Dye, 10/3/2004

"I think you could make the argument that he has the chance to be the best catcher this franchise has seen since it moved to Oakland."

--Billy Beane, on Jason Kendall, 11/30/2004

"Obviously that's all you hear: Big Three, Big Three, Big Three. I'm excited, and it's going to be neat to work with guys of that caliber."

--Jason Kendall, 11/30/2004

"The A's window to sign Tim is open now. After March 1, the window is closed. He will not be in Oakland in 2006 if the team doesn't meet this deadline."

--Paul Cohen, 12/1/2004

"We felt fortunate we could get a guy like this. It's a position of need, and Keith (Ginter) will be an upgrade for us."

--Billy Beane, 12/15/2004

"This sucks. It just sucks."

--Tim Hudson, 12/16/2004

"It sucks."

--Mark Mulder, 12/16/2004

"I just want everyone to know how much I loved it in Oakland. In a perfect world, I'd have been able to play there forever, and me and Mark and Barry would always be the Big Three. But it ain't a perfect world, and I know that. It's a business."

--Tim Hudson, 12/16/2004

"I don't even know if they have a word for what I felt. I mean, it was complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to say. It's like I was paralyzed. Billy's talking to me about it, and I honestly couldn't carry on a conversation. My head was swimming, just trying to comprehend what it all means."

--Mark Mulder, 12/18/2004

"It's definitely weird in a way, no doubt. I mean, I've never pitched in a big league rotation without either one of them. We're all friends. We've been like brothers. And now they're both gone in a span of three days. So yeah, of course I'm bummed.

"But what can I do? As you get older in this game, you just realize more and more that it's less a game than it is a business."

--Barry Zito, 12/18/2004

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Listen to the Band

You know the phrase "If you were a horse, they'd have shot you by now?" Actually, I'm not sure if that's a famous phrase or just something my mom used to always tell me when I was growing up, but nevertheless, the extrapolation game has always been a fun one to play. Remember when Al Davis used to load up his football team with track stars, and then wondered why his football teams sucked? Well, Al lost the extrapolation game to a very formidable opponent....logic. Ken Macha has often found himself in a battle to the death with logic, and he loses, miserably, every time. Unfortunately, the whole "battle to the death" thing is a metaphor, because Ken Macha will never die. He's like the undead or something.

Not sure where this is going, so I'll get to the point.

If Macha were a band, would he rule all or would he suck nuts? Well, to all those who thought we'd never be able to definitively answer the question, you're in luck. Because in addition to being a moron and a shitty manager, Macha actually is a band, as well. And lord almighty, does Macha suck nuts. Wow, does he suck. Just read the review that Kate Minson wrote:

This is really awful. Don't be fooled. I think it's the vocals that really kill this for me. This might be listenable if it were all instrumental. The singer has this whispery, trying to be sexy, delivery that is just plain bad. Listen to the "Cat Wants..." track to see what I mean. Sorry, but I feel like I really wasted some cash on this.

Preach on, sister. We can relate, because we've wasted some cash on Macha, as well. But at least you only lost money. A's fans have lost so much more than that. We'd trade places with you if we could.

Anyway, for those of you who enjoy truly godawful music, have a listen to this Macha tune, from their pretentiously self-titled album (because if you're going to name your band after the biggest fucking moron who ever lived, you might as well name your album that, too), called "Double Life." It must be a metaphor. By day, he's a shitty band. By night, he's the worst manager in baseball history.

But don't say you weren't warned. There's a chance this will be the worst song you listen to all year. Enjoy!

Macha "Double Life."

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Meet the New Year....Same as the Old Year

A long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
-Counting Crows

Sorry A's fans, but with Ken Macha's return to the team, there is absolutely no reason to think that this year will be better than the last...or any of the two before that, and no amount of poignant quotes from Adam Duritz to George Bernard Shaw are going to change that.

Macha costs this team about 7-8 wins a year with his lack of brain cells, so we need to be that much better than the Angels on paper in order to win the division. And while I do think that, as of right now, we're a better team than the Angels, I don't think we're 7-8 games better. Injuries and/or trades could change all of that, but for now, the safe money is on Anaheim. Thanks, Ken.

Some people like to look at their calendar on a day like today, and notice that not only has the month changed, but the year has changed, as well. And the poet inside them will think of all the possibilities of the new year, of realized hopes and dreams, of new motivation and ambition, and of the good in this world far outweighing the bad. It is often a time for introspection and self-examination. There are more things on heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies, and the new year is the perfect time to implement those new philosophies. You might want to re-discover yourself, or put an end to the internecine behavior that is tearing your life apart. Your inanition is your own damn fault, so it's time to change that, and change that you will. Change your philopshies, change your thinking, change your actions, and change your life. If there's going to be a new year, there's going to be a new you.

Unfortunately, the same arbitrary turning of the calendar that sparked the "new you" continues to turn in a system that is far more powerful than any one singular person, and as January turns to February and February becomes March, invariably, you remain the same person you always were. The principle of inertia is strong within you, and it's strong within all of us. Did you really think you were going to run that marathon or write that novel? We cynics enjoy laughing at you hopeless optimists; schadenfreude is all we have. Really, it's all any of us have, because we sure as hell don't have the promise of the new year. For the promise of the new year is just as conjured as Santa Claus or Valentine's day, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can resign yourself to a fatalist mentality. No, life isn't determined by the stars, life just sucks.

So in 2006, as you're watching Macha trot out the same inefficient lineup day after nauseating day, completely ignoring his bench, and making pitching changes justifiable only to the mentally ill, I want you to ask yourself where you have seen this before.

Meet the New Year.....Same as the Old Year.