Sunday, October 30, 2005

#3: The Mailman and The Wolff

In our continuing series of determining who is responsible for the worst injustice ever committed, and we're talking about Ken Macha's rehiring, for those of you who have been living in a cave, which is not coincidentally where I wish Macha were living, unless it were the Cave of Fun or something. I'd only support Macha living in a cave if it were the Cave of Death and Torture. Anyway, parts 4 and 5 can be found here and here.

The 3rd most responsible party for Macha's return is a tie. As many of you know, one of the main reasons Macha tucked his tail between his legs and crawled back was because of a letter of thanks he received from Oakland owner Lewis Wolff. Casting aside for a moment that the letter was probably about as sincere as the thank you notes your parents made you write as a kid thanking your Grandma for the great sweater she got you for Christmas, we nonetheless can't ignore the profound effect it had. Therefore, the 3rd most responsible party for Macha's return is the mailman who delivered the letter that was written, and the asshole who wrote it.


The Mailman:


Yes, the Mailman: Typically, these government employees are pretty pathetic people. High school dropouts who will mace your dog for nothing, and we won't even get into how they often go crazy and start shooting everybody. Unfortunately, the transgression committed by whichever postal employee was working the Murrysville, Pennsylvania route on or about Tuesday, October 11 is unforgiveable. I mean, it certainly would have been great if the Mailman could have gone postal and shot Macha in the face or something, but at the very least, did you HAVE to deliver the letter? You couldn't shove it down the storm drain, or set it on fire or something? Your average mailman usually only delivers about half of the letters he gets, and sadly, this letter was one of those "lucky" 50% that reached its intended target.

So thanks a lot, Mr. Mailman. Because the ONE time you decided to do your job, it ended up severly fucking an entire baseball organization for AT LEAST the next three years. Neither rain nor hail nor sleet nor snow can make you do your job well, but of all the letters that actually make it to their recipients, THIS had to be one of them? What are the fucking odds? So wipe that smile off your face, because if I ever find out who you are, it's curtains for you, Maildude. Why oh why couldn't you be more like this mailman?

The Newman:


Wherefore art thou, Newman?

He was never big on creeds.


The Wolff:



Mr. Lewis Wolff, you are being held responsible for Macha's return. Don't give me any of this shit that you were trying to be polite by adhering to one of society's archaic unwritten rules. Because the only rule to which you should adhere is this: Don't write thank you notes to retards.

You should have known that Macha and his staggeringly infintessimal IQ would take it literally, and use it as a reason to beg for his old job back. You have to know he'd be like, "Hey Billy, I got this letter......duuuuhhhhh" and that it could somehow lead to Macha's unwanted return...which it did.

So this is partly your fault, Wolff. We were willing to forgive you and your 1.5 billion dollar ownership group for not actually investing in the team any more than the previous cheapass owners did, and we'll probably forgive you when your stadium efforts fail and you move the team to Vegas, but this....this is unforgiveable. This.....there is no going back from this. What's done is done, and you are part of the reason we will get to watch Anaheim celebrate on our field for at least the next 3 years. You've really fucked us, Lew. You've really fucked us good.

So Mr. Wolff, how about this: In the future, whenever you get an inclination to write a letter?

Don't.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

#4: In God We're Fucked

In our continuing series to determine who is responsible for the soul-crushing return of Ken Macha (the first installement can be found here), we present to you number 4 on the list: God.

Yes, God. When I was an adolescent, I used to not believe in God. After examining all of the scientific evidence available pointing to God being a result of the overactive imaginations of idiots, and being appalled at the lack of evidence in favor of a God's existence, I determined that he was merely a figment of somebody's imagination, and his existence in perpetuity could be best explained by the fact that it allowed people to exploit and control people without the ability to think for themselves.

But not anymore. It's clear that there is a God, and that he is pure evil. Vengeful. Sadistic. Spiteful. Hateful. The list goes on and on. There is a God, and he is a worthless knobgobbler.

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.


God is responsible for so much pain and suffering on this earth. He's given us plagues, genocides, starvation, disease and suffering. And worst of all, he gave us Ken Macha. God is smart, yes. I'll give him that. He knows what he's doing. He knew that Macha would eventually torment me and ruin my life to the point of suicide, so he made Macha the A's manager. And you know what? It has come dangerously close to working. Every time I see Rincon pitching to 12 righties in a row, or Hatteberg up with a runner on 1st and 1 out (goodbye, inning), I think about hopping in the tub, slitting my wrists, and letting the pain go away slowly, softly.....

But I don't. I keep thinking that there's light at the end of the tunnel. "Tomorrow's a new day," I say to myself. "Melhuse will certainly be in the lineup; After all, Hatte's 0 for his last 52." And then invariably, the next day, there's Hatteberg, batting cleanup, all the while Macha chews his gum, not knowing what's going on, and up above God sits on his cloud (his EVIL cloud), and laughs at me. He laughs sinister-ly. What a fucking bastard.

What do you want from me, God? You win, ok? I surrender. I apologize for playing Gideon Bible hackey-sack on the 9th grade band manly mc-man trip. And then again in 11th grade. And 12th. I no longer will doubt your existence in front of others. You exist, and you are a fuckstick. An evil fuckstick.

So please, God, I'm begging you. Make Billy fire Macha. I don't ask for much (ok, I do, but you don't give me much....actually, you don't give me anything). I'll never ask for anything ever again (since it's clear that I won't be sleeping with my friend's mom anytime soon....you asshole) if you can just give me this.

You want off this list, you get Macha fired. What? Yeah, that's a threat, buddy. Do it, or I will continue to make fun of Jars of Clay and your stupid little son (What the hell kind of name is Jesus?) for the rest of my life. And when I die, Satan and I will team up to take you down.

Oh, you're going down, God. Yes you are. You're going down.

In summation, God is number 4 on the list.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Mail Call!

so its obvious how much you hate that piece of shit macha, and trust me i hate him just as much. but i was wondering if you give him any credit at all for our turn around at the end of may? i mean we played pretty damn bad, and then to completly turn it around. does that at least count for something? and what if by the grace of god he doesnt fuck us up and we win it all in the next three years, do you think you could ever give him any credit? but that would all be contengent on ginter and hatteberg never touching a baseball again, chavez growing some balls, harden nutting up and pitching through some pain, and macha taking a class on how to properly write line ups and use the bullpen. btw i love your blog, its perhaps one of the funniest things ive ever read. i check it multiple times a day hoping for updates. thanks for the time,
steve, loyal reader #5

Thanks, Steve, for for your loyal support and for your continued hatred of Ken Macha. I'll do the best I can to answer your questions.

So do I give Macha any credit at all for the turnaround at the end of May?

No.

First and foremost, I give credit to the players. They played A LOT better in June than they did in April and May. Here are some stats that I posted for the "June is my Bitch" entry that I wrote up in July.

........... Hitting....................... Pitching...
......Runs.. AVG.. OBP. SLG%.. OPS... WHIP.. BAA.. OPS.. ERA
April...89. .241. .314. .343. .657... 1.30. .244. .684. 3.65
May....112. .245. .325. .347. .672... 1.48. .263. .784. 5.43
June.. 148. .291. .356. .464. .820... 1.07. .219. .626. 2.86


The team just played better in June. And, as everyone knows, the improved play coincided with Bobby Crosby's return from the DL. Does Macha get some credit for batting Crosby third? Maybe a little. But Crosby was HOT. I don't think it would have mattered if he had batted in front of or behind Chavez. Chavy would have benefited from both. And I don't think it was because of Macha's critical thinking that Crosby was inserted into the three spot. It was his stupid insistence on a R-L-R-L line-up.

June was also the first month of the season that Dan Johnson took a significant number of ABs away from Scott Hatteberg. And I think Billy Beane deserves more credit for that than Ken Macha. Ken Macha would have continued to bat Hatteberg clean-up if Beane hadn't have stepped in.

"But Ken Macha is just Billy Beane's puppet. He's just following orders."

Blah, blah, blah...

That's why I hate him so damn much. Ken Macha is spineless idiot. For a black belt, he sure is a pussy.
"I said if he wants to move me out (of the No. 3 spot), to move me out. It would be good to shake things up."

--Eric Chavez, May 8th
Chavez made these comments following a 5-0 loss to the Yankees. Up to that point in the season, the A's had been shut out in five of their 30 games played. They had scored three or fewer runs in 18 of those games. Things couldn't POSSIBLY have gotten worse if Macha had decided to shake things up a bit. But, of course, he didn't and Kotsay, Kendall, Chavez and Hatteberg were once again at the top of the A's order the following night.

And our A's got shut out.

Again.

By Kevin Brown.

Because Macha's an idiot.
"I don't see where shuffling guys around will make a dramatic difference, but perhaps it would. I don't know."

--Ken Macha, May 9th
Of course you wouldn't know, Ken. So instead of doing anything that might actually contribute to the success of your team, you just stood there, enjoying all the free Juicy Fruit you could get your stupid hands on.

And our A's lost their next six games in a row.

Making it eight straight losses.

Because you're an idiot.

During that stretch of losses, I guess Macha DID make an attempt to get his team riled up. He got himself thrown out of a game for the first time in his managerial career to fire up the troops.

"I wish I'd said something that warranted getting thrown out, but I don't think I did. I thought the pitch was low and said something and (Carlson) said, 'I warned you.' I only complained once."

--Ken Macha, May 10th
Whoops. Guess not.

Recalling just how big of a pussy this idiot is is really starting to piss me off.

Serenity now.

But the worst was still to come. Here's what Greg wrote when he made his debut on FireMacha.com:

On May 26, our beloved Athletics had just finished being swept by the Devil Rays. Yes, the Devil Rays. Worse, it was the A's 14th loss in their last 17 games. At that point, they weren't even scoring four runs a game for the month of May. Nobody was hitting. Nobody was comfortable at the plate. Fans were screaming for the lineup to be tweaked. Nothing happened. Jason Kendall and Mark Kotsay, the team's leaders, begged Macha to change the lineup. They even inconspicuously handed him a piece of paper with a suggested lineup on it. They weren't looking to show Macha up and make him look stupid (as if that's hard to do), they just wanted the best possible lineup out there. Nothing happened.

Our team was in the midst of a month-long slump. A WHOLE MONTH! EVERYONE could see that something needed to be done.

Macha's analysis?
"We'll have to see when we get to the ballpark tomorrow. But I don't see how moving a guy from three to four [in the lineup] or from four to five is going to help us very much."

-- Ken Macha, May 26th
So, NO, I do not give Macha any credit for the turnaround. He was the same moron in June, July and August that he was in April, May and September.

Now, would I give credit to Ken Macha if we were to win a World Series Championships with him at the helm?

Probably, but not definitely.

It IS possible for the A's to win a title in spite of Macha. Not very probable, but possible.

This team almost made the playoffs with Ken Macha "leading" it. As a matter of fact, we probably would have make the playoffs if not for all the injuries. If the A's had a better manager, I believe that Oakland would have made the playoffs in '04 and '05, despite all the injuries.

Macha cost the team wins. When the Loss-O-Meter has tallied up all of Macha's fuck-ups, I'm pretty certain you're going to see a double-digit figure. And we lost the division by seven games.

That's another reason why I hate him so much. His bullpen decisions WHEN WE HAD THE LEAD cost the team wins.

Serenity now.

Anyway....a healthy Oakland A's club SHOULD be talented enough to make the playoffs for the foreseeable future. Over the course of a 162-game season, talent shows itself. Talent alone CAN get a team into the playoffs. Can a manager alone?

Hell no. Look at Lou Piniella.

So how much, if any, of the credit should a manager get?

It depends on the job he does.

As of right now, the Oakland A's owe Ken Macha over $2.5 million. He's going to get that money no matter what. Now's the perfect time for him to manage the club the way HE wants. He's gonna get paid either way. So if he showed some balls, SOME REAL BALLS, and stood up to Beane, I'd be the first to give him credit.

NO ONE would be happier than me if the 2006 Opening Day lineup had Ellis batting lead-off, Chavy batting anywhere but third, and Kendall batting ninth.

I WANT the team to win.

I WANT Macha to help the team win.

But if he can't put the team in the best position possible to win, I'm going to have to keep berating him because I'm going to have to assume that either:

1) he's too much of coward to set his own lineup,
2) he's too stupid to even see what the "best" lineup is, or
3) he's both.

So if Macha was 1), 2) or 3), I couldn't see myself giving Macha much credit for a World Series victory. If he was none of the above, I could.

Thanks again for the e-mail, Steve. I hope you got your answers.

Keep the letters coming, folks.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Prospects 25 - 21

25. Ryan Webb, SP
Comments: As the first early-round high school pitcher drafted in the Moneyball era, Webb quickly became a favorite of mine. This 6'-6" right-hander spent all of 2005 in Kane County, posting some fairly unimpressive numbers. The command he showed in rookie ball seemed to take a hit and considering that he doesn't yet have a plus pitch, he got knocked around pretty good. He is still 19 years old, so I'm hopeful that he'll fill up that huge of frame of his and add some velocity to his fastball (which, currently, doesn't even hit 90 mph).

24. Brian Snyder, 3B
Comments: I thought Brian Snyder would be this year's Mark Teahen, but injuries (and perhaps laziness) limited him to just 2 PAs this season. In 2004, he showed some great plate discipline and a little pop too. But after missing an entire year, his future is clearly uncertain. If he can come back strong in AA and repeat the kind of season he had in 2004, he might get back into my good graces, but as of right now, my only hope for him is that he can put up some good enough numbers that we can trade his first-round ass.

23. Shane Komine, SP
Comments: Komine's a guy that has done nothing but defy the odds. Even though he stands at only 5'-8", Komine has excelled in the lower levels of Minor League Baseball. And although he's almost a foot shorter than most power pitchers, he has (in the past) displayed a fastball that consistently hit 95 mph. He has also displays excellent control and can throw about every pitch in the book (curve, change, cutter, forkball).

Komine came back strong this year following Tommy John surgery, topping out at around 93 mph. "They" say the second year following TJ surgery is when a pitcher can fully expect to be back at 100%, so I'm pretty excited to see what he can show in '06. I'd love for him spend the entire year at AAA. With such a veteran presence at that level, I think that if can show some success, that he'll have a legitimate shot of making the bigs as a starter. But because of the plethora of #5-type pitchers currently in the upper levels of the A's system, I can see Komine being used in an Aaron Harang-type trade in 2007.

22. Ramon Alvarado, OF
Comments: Alvarado really opened my eyes this year after posting some really good numbers as a 20-year-old in rookie ball. Had a quad injury not slowed him, he would have hit over .300 with an OBP over .400 and a Slg% over .500. I'm really intrigued by Alvarado because he seems to have it all. This Venezuelan hit for average AND power, showed some speed, covered a lot of ground in the outfield, and displayed a strong arm. If Alvarado can show these same skills over the course of a full year in A-ball, don't be surprised if he becomes one of the A's top-10 prospects as soon as next year.

21. Jason Ray, RP
Comments: Ray is the first player from the 2005 draft to enter my rankings. A converted outfielder, Ray has been pitching for just two years. Used exclusively as a pitcher last season, Ray displayed a 93-95 mph fastball, that occasionally touched 96 mph, with respectable control. He also threw a curveball and circle-change, but was inconsistent with those pitches. Although he kept his velocity deep into games, Oakland moved him to the bullpen following the draft, where he absolutely dominated the competition in short-season A-ball. Fifty-six of the 89 batters he retired while pitching for Vancouver were by way of the strike out. That means that he K'd just about two hitters per inning . And that's unheard of.

I'm hopeful that his move to the 'pen was in part to save his arm after his first full season as a pitcher and in part to give him extra time to work on his off-speed pitches. Obviously, he'll have much more value as a starting pitcher, so I think it would be a real disservice to move him to the bullpen so early in his career.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prospects 30-26
30. Jeremy Brown
29. Alexi Ogando
28. Shawn Kohn
27. Gregorio Petit
26. Brad Knox

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Ninja Protest Breakdancing


This Ninja will not stop breakdancing until Ken Macha is fired. He's obviously got a lot of energy; I like that in a Ninja.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

No disassemble...number 5 alive

Roman's idea about Bobby's idea got me thinking: I should make a list too. But not about prospects, unless it's about the prospects of idiotic lineups and September chokejobs for the next 3 years (the prospects of which are almost certain, btw). Nay, my list will attempt to follow the trail of blame that led to one Kenneth Edward Macha's unwanted and tragic return to our beloved Athletics. Because it's sure as hell somebody's fault, and this list will attempt to pinpoint who. So check back each day as we count down to the person or persons who are most at fault for the dipshit's return.

Without further adieu (it's French.....bitch), I give you the 5th most reponsible parties for Macha's return:

Mr. and Mrs. Macha



Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Macha certainly played a large role in Macha's return. Sometime in late January, 1950, Mr. Macha put on his ten gallon hat, grabbed his shovel, and dragged his ugly wife out to the back shed deep in the Pennsylvania moonlight where they performed the Macha-rena until sunup. It was a beautiful ceremony, complete with pelvic thrusts, deep, guttural moans and lovemaking...but enough about Mr. Macha and the sheep. Somewhere, someway, and somehow, Mrs. Macha got pregnant, and eventually the little asshole squirted out of her pooterang, ready to release death, mayhem and destruction upon the world, the likes of which we've never seen before.

Actually, now that I think about it, it probably wasn't late January, it was more like late May, because a kid as fucking dumb as Macha HAD to have been premature. And likely missing a few chromosomes (like, uh, say, the chromosome that lets you make proper lineups). There's really no other explanation.

While there is generally no way for a pregnant woman and her husband to determine before the birth that a child will be evil, and yes, every parent dreams of greatness for his or her child while they're still in the womb, but in this case, there were signs. The sonogram revealed a fetus more devil than human, and during the pregnancy, a bunch of sounds like that weird girl in the Exorcist made were emanating from Mrs. Macha's stomach (Remember when she did the crabwalk backwards down the stairs? That shit was freaky). Would it have been all that difficult to grab a bottle of Wild Turkey and a coat-hanger and perform a pre-emptive strike on the little bastard? I don't think it would have been too much to ask. And, failing that, you could have had Robert Patrick kill him when he was 12 years old, before he was able to do any real harm, other than stealing money from the ATM machine. But that's neither here nor there. Well, it's sort of here, but not really there.

Anyway, for your transgressions upon society, Mr. and Mrs. Macha, you two are the 5th most responsible people for Macha's return. Fuck you both. Your penalty? Death. Unless you're already dead. In which case.....good. May God Shamgod have mercy on your soul.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Change of Pace

Bobby's idea got me thinking. And those thoughts led to this:

30. Jeremy Brown, C
Comments: This fatass may prefer selling jeans to playing another year in Midland. He's shown flashes of brilliance and, supposedly, calls a great game. A strong second half, along with a slight power surge, kept him from falling off my list completely.

29. Alexi Ogando, OF
Comments: I don't even know where this guy is right now. Visa problems kept him out of the States for the entire 2005 season. But this toolsy kid showed a tremendous amount of potential as a 19-year-old in Rookie ball. The plate discipline he has displayed isn't very encouraging, but is quite typical for a young Dominican.

28. Shawn Kohn, RP
Comments: This submarining right-hander has put up decent ratios at just about every level. He spent all of this year at AA, after slitting time between A and AAA ball last season. The one hiccup he had was in AAA, so I'd like to see how he performs at that level next season before getting to0 excited.

27. Gregorio Petit, SS
Comments: This 20-year-old opened my eyes this season by hitting .289 in Kane County. This was higher than Javier Herrera. As a matter of fact, it was higher than EVERYONE in Kane Countly. He also showed a little pop, as 28% of his hits went for extra bases. It should be noted that injuries limited him to under 300 ABs, but his production for his position simply cannot be ignored.

26. Brad Knox, SP
Comments: Knox spent all of 2005 in Stockton, jumping up half a level from where he was in 2004. The "jump" really seemed to effect his ratios. The 10.02 K/9 ratio he put up in 2004 dropped significantly to 7.50. More troubling was the hit his K/BB ratio took, which fell from 7.29 to 2.74. His age was about average for his league and considering that his "stuff" isn't all that spectacular, this guy will really have to show some significant improvement next season for me to jump back on his bandwagon.


I'll finish up my list before the weekend's over. Libro it.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Return of the Sith Head

I'd like to thank loyal readers JP & Nico for the latest submission to FireMacha. This one isn't a story, but a beautiful piece of art.



Excellent work, guys. I feel like a proud papa. I'm going to print this out and put it on my fridge.

Keep 'em coming.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Macha 'round the World


Thanks to loyal reader Doug for the scoop. Keep sending in your Macha moments, people. Has anybody ever witnessed him actually doing something intelligent? Or at least doing something not stupid?


I am an avid A's fan, and in the last couple of months I have begun reading www.firemacha.com. I noticed in your latest post, you are looking for any Macha stories, so I figured I'd contribute the one that I have.
I was on business in Philly back in January, and decided to take an early AM flight back to the Bay Area on a Saturday. I was waiting at the gate at like 6AM, waiting for my 7AM flight from Philly to SFO. I was sitting down, listening to my iPOD, and wearing my A's hat. I saw some old man walking towards me looking all excited. I was half asleep, and looked up, and it was friggin Ken Macha walking towards me, and he was giving me a double thumbs up sign, a la The Fonz. He was acting like I was the guy on a MLB team and he was some chump. I took off my headphones, said this should be an exciting year (this was in Jan 2005), and I looked forward to the sick young guns our pitching staff consisted of. He didn't say a word, just kept nodding and smiling.
He went and sat down in the waiting area by me, and began eating yogurt and a banana. He had like 3 containers of yogurt, I was still hungover, and in disbelief that Ken Macha was on my plane. I got on the plane in 1st class, and as I was boarding, I stopped because Macha was at the desk trying to get comped up to 1st class because of who he was. The United rep was not impressed. He walked by me when he boarded, and I watched him sit down in like the 25th row. Apparently, being Ken Macha does not get you any freebies. What a chump.....
How is this guy still our Manager?????

-Doug


Hmm, looks like overshooting his own worth is not just a one time thing with Macha. I bet this story ends with him crawling back to the United Desk and begging for his original coach ticket. If I had been the United service representative and some asshat like Ken Macha demanded to be bumped up to 1st class because he was "Ken Macha," I'd have stabbed him in the face and said, "Just for that, you're riding with the luggage. Now get in the crate." And what was with the thumbs up? The thumbs up is something that 3 year olds and retards do because they don't have or don't yet have the vocabulary to communicate like non-morons. Doug didn't mention any drool on Macha's chin at the time of the thumbs up, but we'll just assume it was there. Keep nodding and smiling, douchebag. It's not like you need to make a pitching change or anything. How in the world did this guy graduate with a degree in Engineering? The only thing he can engineer are idiotic lineups and September chokejobs. That must have been his emphasis, I suppose. I'd make fun of the yogurt thing, but I like yogurt. Don't tell anybody, though. I've got a reputation to protect.

God damn I hate Macha.


It's Good to Be King

Bill King was the only radio announcer I have ever known as an A's fan. And he's the best I've ever heard. In a profession where the standard of quality is so painfully low, King stood miles ahead of everybody else. For those of us who have been forced to listen to the likes of Michael Kay, Jim Palmer, and Rex Hudler, you know that a great announcer can make all the difference in the world. He was never a homer, he just told me what was happening, which was exactly the way I liked it. In recent years, as the A's television broadcast team became totally unlistenable (I'm talking about you, Hank Greenwald), the decision to turn on the radio to 610, mute the tv, and just live with the 3 or 4 second difference was an easy one. He'll likely get into the Hall of Fame at some point; it's a shame he won't be alive to see it, though. It should also be noted that Bill King hated Macha, too. That alone makes him A-Ok in my book.

Any annoucer that uses "conjure" and "out of his gourd" in a single sentence is truly something you won't hear every day. Or, in all likelihood, ever again. This was in all probability the greatest double play ever turned, and King captured it perfectly. Listen to it here.

You were one of a kind, and you will be missed. A's broadcasts will never be the same, and I hope the A's "retire your jersey" and put you up on the outfield wall. You deserve it.

Rest in Peace, Bill.

Here are the tributes that KNBR ran last night for King. You can listen to them here, here, here, and here.


Readers (both of you), feel free to share your favorite King moments in the comments section.



Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Long Live The King

Monday, October 17, 2005

Blown Jobs - Jay Witasick Edition

Jay Witasick appeared in 16 games for our A's, posting a 2.87 ERA and 1.21 WHIP with 19 K's in 15.2 IP, before blowing his first save as an Athletic.

Blown Save Number: 1
8/29/2005
Oakland at Baltimore

Kirk Saarloos pitched four innings of one-hit ball, taking a 2-0 lead into the fifth inning.

After getting little Davey Newhan to fly out to center, Saarloos walked Sal Fasano and gave up a two-base hit to Brian Roberts. The next man up was Melvin Mora. He pounded an 0-2 pitch to leftfield for a double, scoring both runners. With the game now tied at two, Saarloos faced Miguel Tejada. I guess Tejada didn't get his recommended dose of B-12 that day because he proceed to strikeout. I think that may have been Saarloos' only strikeout this season. I could be wrong.

One out from escaping the inning with minimal damage, Saarloos got ahead 0-2 on Javy Lopez. Again Saarloos gave up an 0-2 hit. Lopez's RBI single drove in Mora, gave the O's a 3-2 lead and ended Sarloos' night. Macha called in Ricardo Rincon from the bullpen and he retired B.J. Surhoff on two pitches to end the inning.

Dan Johnson gave the lead back to our A's in the top of the sixth, clubbing a first-pitch three-run homer off of starter Erik Bedard.

Now up 5-3, Macha sent Ricardo Rincon to start the bottom of the sixth. The lead was cut in half only two pitches into the inning when Jay Gibbons blasted a solo shot into the rightfield stands. Rincon walked the next batter, Alejandro Freire, on five pitches. Davey Newhan then sacrificed Freire to second and Ricardo's night came to an end.

Jay Witasick was called in from the bullpen and quickly retired Sal Fasano and Brian Roberts to end the inning.

Oakland still had a 5-4 when Witasick took the mound to start the bottom of the seventh. He quickly retired Mora and Tejada before walking Lopez on four pitches. B.J. Surhoff hammered a 1-1 pitch into the gap in right-center , scoring the slow-footed Lopez all the way from first.

With the game now tied at five, Macha replaced Witasick with Duchscherer and he got Gibbons to pop out to third to end the inning.

The game remained tied at five until the top of the 12th, when the A's offense exploded for five runs. Kiko Calero retired Lopez, Byrnes and Gibbons in order to secure the win for our Athletics.


Oakland - 10, Baltimore - 5

One bad pitch from Witasick quickly turned an impressive performance into a blown save. I can't blame Macha for that. That doesn't change the fact that he's a stupidass, though.

Blown Save Number: 2
9/13/2005
Oakland at Cleveland

Kirk Saarloos gave our A's a strong start, allowing only three hits and four walks over six scoreless innings. Holding a slim 2-0 lead, Ken Macha turned to Jay Witasick as the first man out of the bullpen. The lead was gone only three pitches into Witasick's appearance. THREE PITCHES! An infield single and Ben Broussard homerun would tie the ballgame up at two.


The game still tied at two, Macha went with Justin Duchscherer to start the 8th. After striking out Jhonny Peralta on three pitches, The Duke gave up back-to-back singles to Travis Hafner and Victor Martinez. Duchscherer then struckout Ronnie Belliard to bring up Big Ben Broussard with two on and two out. He would hit his second homerun of the night to bust the game open 5-2.

With only three outs to score three runs, our A's were doomed. Bob Wickman, naturally, faced the minimum in the ninth to secure the win for the Tribe.

Oakland - 2, Cleveland - 5

This game might have been Macha's worst display of bullpen "management" this year. He pulled Kirk Saarloos after only 87 pitches even though he was on nine day's rest, his longest of the season. He pulled Saarloos with Belliard, Broussard and Boone due up. In this game, Cleveland's "Killer B's" were a combined 0-5 off of Kirk, managing just one BB.

So why'd Macha pull him?

'Cause he's a stupidass, that's why.

With the game tied and still very much winnable, Macha handed the ball over to Justin Duchscherer. After watching The Duke give up back-to-back singles to Hafner and Martinez, Macha didn't get anyone up. Let me repeat that: After watching The Duke give up back-to-back singles to Hafner and Martinez, MACHA DIDN'T EVEN GET ANYONE UP!

I'm not suggesting that Macha should have pulled Duchscherer right then and there, but that asshole didn't even pick up the phone! Ben Broussard, the LEFTY that tied the game up with just one swing of his bat ONE INNING EARLIER, was still scheduled to bat that inning. Ben Broussard, the LEFTY who had hit 14 of his 17 homeruns on the season off of right-handers, would face RIGHT-HANDER Justin Ducscherer in the eighth unless Duchscherer managed to get the speedy Belliard to hit into a double play.

He didn't.

And Broussard hit another homerun.

Because Macha's a idiot.

[ring,ring]

Bob, it's Ken. Ken Macha. Get Rincon up.

Okay.

[click]


That's all it would have taken to ensure that the game didn't get out of hand.

Now, I know Rincon isn't the best left-hander in the game, but he doesn't suck. He's good enough that Eric Wedge surely would have countered Macha's move...with Jose Hernandez, and he DOES suck.

But Macha's inability to think ahead (or at all) again led to an Oakland loss. And for that:


YOU CAN. PUTITONTHEBOARD!


YEEEESSSS!

Up next: Ricardo Rincon

Previous Blown Jobs: Joe Kennedy

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Let's get to know: Ken Macha


Everywhere Macha goes, his teams disappoint, underachieve, and just plain don't meet expectations. His resume is chalk full of a lot of nothing. He's never been a part of anything special, nor has he ever led anything anywhere. Basically, he's your garden variety loser.


Ken Macha has been a manager or bench coach since 1995. He has been apart of 7 playoff teams. 3 as a manager in the RedSox organization, 3 as a bench coach with the A's, and 1 as the A's manager.

Let's take a look at his history, shall we?

1995: Lose in 1st round to Reading Phillies
1996: Lose in 1st round to Harrisburg Senators
1997: Lose in 1st round to Rochester RedWings
2000: Lose in 1st round to New York Yankees
2001: Lose in 1st round to New York Yankees
2002: Lose in 1st round to Minnesota Twins
2003: Lose in 1st round to Boston Red Sox

Hmm....anybody noticing a pattern here? Let's face it, the man is a born loser, and he'll always be a loser. 7 trips to the playoffs, 0 playoff series victories. You think that's a coincidence? Let me assure you, it isn't. An organization is only as strong as its weakest member, and since I'm pretty damn sure Macha has always been every organization's weakest member everywhere he's gone (and God help those organizations that had somebody weaker), it's not a coincidence that all those organizations were pretty god damn weak.

In 1997, after losing 6 of his 7 playoff games, he was promoted to be the manager of the Pawtucket RedSox (the Dilbert Principle at work), Boston's AAA affiliate. He had inherited a team that had lost in the 1st round of the playoffs the year before he became manager. His first season, he guided them to another 1st round exit. The next season after that, under his stewardship, they missed the playoffs altogether.

Sound familiar?

Well, it should. Losers generally develop a pattern of losing, and that's exactly what this loser has done. It's a predictable pattern of underachieving to which you can set your watch. Do you think it's a coincidence that you can accurately predict an idiotic move that Macha is going to make 3 innings in advance, and then when he actually makes the idiotic move, all you can do is bury your head in your hands and do that half-laugh/half-cry thing that A's fans have gotten so good at? No, you're not clairvoyant, and it's not a coincidence. Macha is a loser. He always has been, and he always will be. The A's will never do anything meaningful under his watch. This isn't a prediction, it's a fact. The A's are losers because they get it from Macha.

And one last thing before I go: In 1992, Macha was a bullpen coach for the then California Angels (or, if you're Joe Morgan, current California Angels). In May of that year, the team bus crashed.

Coincidence?

Nope.

My sources tell me that the bus driver asked Macha to hold the wheel steady while he tied his shoes, but then Macha fell asleep and the bus skidded off the 405 and crashed into a family of gophers, killing them all instantly. An autopsy was performed, and it was determined that Macha is completely without discernable brain activity.

See what I mean? Macha's a loser.

And a moron.

And I hate him.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Mission Accomplished Impossible

The Cancer returns. Macha is no longer in remission.


Well folks, we learned a valuable lesson today. Don't proclaim that something is accomplished until it is actually accomplished. Sure, negotiations with Macha may have ended, but until Macha either signed on the dotted line elsewhere, or we had a new manager ourselves, there was always the chance that Macha could come crawling back on his hands and knees and begged for his old job back. And who can blame him? His average salary over the next 3 years was going to be roughly $900,000. Since it was clear that this represented about a 900% increase from any other menial job he was going to get in baseball (nobody in their right mind would hire this asshole to be a manager....doesn't say a lot about Billy, does it?), this was the right move for Ken. I'd have probably crawled back, too. Of course, if I were a stupid worthless asshole like this asshole, I'm sure my former employer would tell me to stick it up my asshole and would have hired Bud Black or Ron Washington like he should have.

As it stands, we're stuck with Macha for the next 3 years. So get used to it. Don't think for a second that he'll be fired at any point, because we're not going to pay a manager $900,000 dollars to not manage us. Oh, what's that you say? That's what we're doing anyway? Hmm. Good point. Still, I think you can see what I'm saying. Macha's here, and all we can do is complain about it. Which we will. Profusely. We thought our work was done, but we were wrong. Oh, how so very wrong we were. Yes, it looked to all the world that we would finally be rid of the asshole, especially after his impressive showing on Elimination Day against the Angels, when we were the victims of about 45 godawful calls, and he didn't make one step towards the playing field to argue. Imagine that, huh? It was merely our season at stake, and he didn't even care to at least inquire about what game the fucking umps thought they were watching. If that wasn't his way of saying "I can't wait to get the fuck outta here," I don't know what would be. And we brought him back. Fucking incredible, huh? Thanks for nothing, Billy.

So check back often, because Captain Genius isn't going anywhere, and he isn't going to stop providing us with tons of quality material for this site. I have an excoriation of Billy Beane that I need to write, and I'm sure Roman can continue his exercise that was made obsolete by Macha's sweet, sweet, departure only 6 days after he started, but now all of a sudden isn't so obsolete anymore. Additionally, I would like to use BP's equivalency formulas to try and determine exactly how many runs and wins Macha's brilliant lineups cost us. Should be a busy offseason.

You can now email me through my blogger profile. If you have any stories of Macha that you would like to share, such as how you saw him buying low fat cottage cheese in the supermarket or something, let me know. I can promise you this, though: Roman and I may have fucked up once, but we will not rest until Macha is removed as manager. My life finally has a calling (well, a second calling, other than trying to score with my friend's ridiculously hot mom......and sister), and I intend to see it through. And unlike the first calling, I'd like this one to be successful.

Mission Impossible? Maybe. But we will either remove Macha from his post, or we'll die trying.

Fuck you, Macha. You are a moron. And I hate you.

Friday, October 14, 2005

A nation sounds off

Good lord... what a horrible day.
-ToniePeluso

What a nightmare! Cannot believe this has happened....Someone shoot me and put me out of my misery.
-Bashbrother105

Another 3 years of frustration.
-BeatodeOakland

Now it doesnt matter who we sign this offseason, because we could sign every all star in both leagues and this fuckwad would find a way to screw it up!
-Handzusrules

Billy you suck. You couldn't find a scarecrow?
-AndFireBillyToo

Mass Suicide...Who's in?
-Rmv130

I aint even calmed down at all. Thanks for not working, blunt.
-ThanksAgainBilly

Yea. I'm not happy.
-PokeyOats

I think I want to throw up.
-Zorch

Now I don't know whether I should cry or whether I should puke... I think I'm gonna do both...
-AsFanFirst

[Macha] is dull, unimaginitve, doesn't fire the team up, makes poor lineup decisions, can't manage a bullpen, you name it. Who would I have liked better? A chimp in a uniform.
-Oaktown2

Macha is the death of this team. He is the worst imaginable manager. His piss poor decisions singlehandedly cost us far too many games.
-TheBig4

Unbelievable. Three more years of this idiot not fighting for his team, filling out bad lineup cards and making pitching changes only justifiable to the criminally insane. Excellent.
-ToddyBaseball

KILL. ME. I just woke up and saw the news. suddenly a part of my soul has died
-Tejada116

Funny like a guy getting hit in the junk with a baseball bat, a la Funniest Home Videos, except A's fans are the guy. What an unbelieveable joke.
-Smacca17

Macha's approach was to just keep copying down the same batting order every day. He's like a big clump of mold sitting on the bench.
-JoeRudi

We are stuck with this sorry fucker for THREE YEARS? I keep checking my calendar, hoping it's April 1st. But it's not. It is Oct. 14 2005, a day that shall live in infamy.
-EmilyBemily

Not the return of the kung-fu kicking robot!
-Franks a lot

And here's an audio clip that conveys the feeling pretty well.




As you can see, A's fans aren't happy. In fact, I have yet to read any A's fan anywhere who is pleased this this move. Here is something I wrote immediately after Pittsburgh had chosen Jim Tracy for their manager, leaving Macha out in the dark:

Macha is just a dull baseball mind who was hastily promoted to manager the same way Tom Holmoe was after Mariucci left to coach the niners. Both were in the right place at the right time.

He doesn't sound intelligent when he speaks, and nothing about his actions have shown him to be gifted in any way. He has presided over two consecutive September collapses, and watching him duel Grady Little in the 2003 ALDS was like watching two retards having an incompetence contest.

Who in their right mind would hire this guy again?"



Us, apparently. What a truly terrible day.

It's Official, God Hates Me

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Another Moron's Wishlist

Monday, October 10, 2005

The Road Less Traveled

With Macha's name in the news lately, a lot of new people have found their way to our little blog. I have a pretty bad habit of of constantly checking out who's on the site. I'm not really concerned about with the number of people, but by HOW people got here, WHERE they came from, and WHY they're here. In journalism, I believe they call those "The Three R's."

I could be wrong.

A lot of people get here in pretty normal ways. A lot of people come from here:



And here:



And here:



But then there are those who get here through their favorite search engine. Some may be just looking for some information on Ken Macha. Some may be wondering if a site like this really exists. Some get to us by accident. And some...well, they're just some sick fuckers.


















So whether you're a Macha hater or a masterbater, a time waster or a testicle taster, thanks for stopping by.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

What is a Good Manager?


I think there is the prevailing opinion amongst some fans that the difference between a bad team and a good team is its manager. Hell, we even got a comment from some moron saying that Macha would lead Pittsburgh to the playoffs, and then we'd all look stupid. I think it's important to first understand just exactly what a manager is, and more importantly, isn't.

A good manager will not make a bad team good, nor will he make a good team great. A good manager will be handed a team good enough to win 90 games, and that team will win 90 games. And at the end of the year, people will say, "Well, of course they should have won 90 games. Look at the talent they had." And that's exactly right. A good manager won't fuck shit up. Which is why so many good managers don't get noticed. When an offensive lineman does a good job, the only way you can tell is because there isn't an impression of the quarterback in the sod. When your cable company is doing a good job, the only way you can tell is the absence of calls to them on the phone bill. Mike Hargrove wasn't a hall of fame manager in Cleveland, nor is he a pathetic manager in Seattle. After managing 1871 games with a .471 winning percentage, Joe Torre didn't all of a sudden "figure it out" when he became manager of the yankees. A good manager won't win games. It's all about the players, and always has been.

So what's the difference between a good manager and a bad one? The good ones will put his players in a situation both where the player can succeed, and in situations that represent the best interests of the team. A bad manager will cost his team wins. A good manager will not cost his team wins. Ken Macha cost us a bunch of wins.

Ken Macha, my friends, is not a good manager. In fact, he just might be the worst manager in all of baseball. History. The last two years, he has taken teams that should have won 95 or more games and led them all the way to 91 and 88 wins. Do you think Joe Torre, after watching his pitcher walk the bases loaded in the 4th, and then give up 3 straight hits to start the 5th, would let his pitcher stay in to give up a homerun to Carlos Beltran? Not a chance. Would Bobby Cox bring in his 6th best reliever in the bottom of the 10th, with the bases loaded and 1 out? Would anybody in their right mind continue to bat Hatteberg cleanup, and leave Kendall at the top of the lineup? Not a chance. How many times would Bruce Bochy have to see Joe Kennedy allow every single inherited runner to score before he figured out it wasn't just a coincidence? And how fucking stupid do you have to be to pinch hit for a hitter who is going to be intentionally walked? I mean, jesus! Don't blame injuries. Every team has injuries. Every team will have to suffer through a Seth Etherton or Ryan Glynn start a time or three during the year. You have to manage those games differently. Pay attention to what's going on. Don't just pencil in the starter for 5 innings regardless of the circumstances. Stay awake. Make some moves. Be a manager. Fucking do something.

Ken Macha is a bad manager.

And a moron.

And I hate him.

Friday, October 07, 2005

A Moron's Wishlist

Thursday, October 06, 2005

"What Now?"

I think it's pretty damn hilarious that all the people that have asked me that question since Macha got canned have related it to this here blog...and not to our beloved Oakland A's. I guess the general consensus of my audience is "Anybody but Macha."

Morons.

I really DO want what's best for our A's. Ken Macha clearly wasn't what was best. He was continually costing our A's wins with his poorly-constructed line-ups and horrid bullpen management. And that's how this all started. I was sick of him putting our team in the worst position possible to win. It was his short-comings as a major league manager that bothered me to no end. I guess, after a while, it just got personal.

But just because HE'S gone, doesn't necessarily mean our work is done.

When the next a-hole starts costing our team wins, believe you me, we're gonna write about it. If he bats Jason Kendall lead-off, or Chavy third, or Hatteberg at all, we're gonna sound off. So rest assured that until Greg and I are named co-managers of the Oakland Athletics, we'll be keeping you entertained with our expert analysis.

In the meantime, express your thanks to Billy Beane with a t-shirt. I think a public show of gratitude to the man that rid us of that white-haired, gum-chewing fool is the least we could do. I hope to see plenty of these floating around Phoenix Muni this Spring and around The Mac on Opening Day.

CafePress set the prices. If I could have set them lower for you, my faithful readers, I would have. But I couldn't. I'm not making a single penny from these shirts. Really, I'm not.

So open up your wallets and show some gratitude, ya cheap bastards.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Macha-Struck


da guh da guh da guh da guh da guh da guh da guh da guh
da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh
da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh
da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh da guh DA guh


uh ah uh uh, ah uh HUH uh (MOCK-UH!)
uh ah uh uh, ah uh HUH uh (MOCK-UH!)
uh ah uh uh, ah uh HUH uh (MOCK-UH!)
uh ah uh uh, ah uh HUH uh (MOCK-UH!)

I was caught
Iin the middle of a damn nightmare (MOCK-UH!)
I looked around
And knew that Ken would be standing there (MOCK-UH!)
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do (MOCK-UH!)
And I knew
there was no way this could be true (MOCK-UH!)

Sound of the (left field) drums
Beating in my heart
Dipshit's idiotic lineups
And bullpen brain farts
We've been
(BUM bum bum)
Macha-struck

Went on a road trip
Asshole cost us a win
Went down to Texas
Yeah Texas, he blew it again
We met some other teams
Some other teams that had good managers
He's a fucking tool....played us for fools
Yeah, yeah, yeah he blew our season

I was shakin' at the feet
(bum BUM bum bum)
Thank fucking god for Huston Street
(BUM bum bum)
Yabu in the 10th - he's a manager, lameduck
But no more of him
Fucking Finally, he's been
(BUM bum)


MACHA-STRUCK!!!





Congratulations to all A's fans on this most glorious of days. As President Roosevelt might have said if Pearl Harbor were a good thing, "This is a day that will live in famy." We would like to thank the 40 or so visitors this blog had daily, for without you, I would have never had to download photoshop.

Now that ass-face is no longer the manager of the team, some of you might believe that I no longer want him dead. Let me assure you, this couldn't be further from the truth. I still want him to suffer for the pain and misery he caused us all for the last 3 years. Should we not punish murderers just because they no longer choose to kill people? Absolutely not. Macha deserves the death penalty, but even if he doesn't get it, this is a pretty good consolation prize.

I don't know what will happen to this blog. Roman has already registered http://firegeren.blogspot.com/ just in case, so if Bob sucks just as much as Macha, you'll be able to find the same great content over there. If not, we'll try to think of something to do with it. If we can't do that, I hope this blog can live on in your hearts, in your minds, and that somebody will print out the pages of it and bury them with Ken Macha when he dies (which is hopefully soon).

I'm off to party now. Be well, A's fans. Better days are ahead. But let us not forget the lessons of the past, in that fucking retards should not be allowed to manage baseball teams, and learn from them. You hear that, Billy? Stop hiring idiots.






.....walks away whistling.......


See Ya!

"Negotiations" have come to an end and Ken Macha's tenure with our beloved Oakland A's is finally over.

What a truly wonderful day.

Thanks, Billy.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

NO!!!!!!!!!



WHAT IS BILLY THINKING?


"I went and played golf at a Special Olympics event and tried not to think about anything but hitting the ball straight."



Yeah, because normally that little brain of yours is going a mile a minute. Must have been a nice break from your normal routine of attempting to unlock the mysteries of the cosmos. And was it weird to be around people closer to your intellectual level? The Special Olympians are still (much) smarter than you, but at least the gap is narrowed. You still drool a lot more than any of them, though. And they likely require less assistance in wiping their asses.


"I'm cleaning the bathroom of my apartment right now," he said. "I'd rather be golfing."

I'd rather you were dead, but we can't always get what we want, can we? And maybe if you hadn't had so many god damn brain farts this year, there'd have been less hershey squirts on your bathroom floor, you fucking dolt. And I bet you fucked up cleaning, too. Did you leave the mop in too long? You have to ring it out with freshwater every so often. I'd be willing to bet you don't know when to do that. And I'm sure you used the wrong tools for the wrong jobs. A toilet wand in the bathtub? Glass cleaner on the tile? Keiichi Yabu in the bottom of the 10th with the bases loaded and one out and Huston Street warmed up and ready to come in? Wouldn't surprise me in the least. You are such an asshole, you stupid white haired fucknut. I hate you.



If we waste 900,000 per year on fetus face, I will spend the next 3 years crying.

Scapegoat

Teflon Ken Still In The Picture

The A's recently announced that Dave Hudgens will not return as hitting coach next season. Yet remarkably, Ken Macha was offered a contract in what is undoubtedly the most perplexing move since Macha's last attempt at a rational batting lineup.

Ok, this I do not understand one bit. First things first, is Hudgens a great hitting coach? Well, clearly he's not, but not even Wolfgang Puck could make a savory meal out of a pile of shit. Hudgens is not the problem. But he's hardly the solution, either. This team won't miss him, even if the blame for the team's offensive futility was misdirected. So who gives a shit, really? Well, maybe Dave, seeing as how he's now unemployed. But other than that, it's doubtful the casual A's fan will even notice.

But you know how you could have made Dave Hudgens look like a more valuable hitting coach? By Ken Macha not having a fucking retarded lineup, that's how. By giving Kendall and Hatteberg so many AB's instead of guys who could have done a better job, if only marginally. By giving them so many AB's at the top of the lineup. By keeping guys like Ellis and Johnson down at the bottom of the lineup for so long when they were hitting so well. The average spot in a batting order is worth approximately 18 more at-bats than the one directly below it. This means that over the course of a year, the leadoff guy will get about 162 more AB's than the 9th place hitter. So in those extra AB's, Macha chose to give them to guys like Kendall and Hatteberg, two of the four worst hitters in the AL last season, while our best hitters were in the dugout, helpless to do anything.

How many runs did Macha cost the team last season, simply by putting out the least effective lineup he could dream of? I dunno. But I bet it was somewhere on the order of 30-40 runs.

If Macha could have consistently put out a reasonable lineup, would Hudgens still have his job? If you added those 30-40 runs to this team's total, they'd be 4th in the AL in runs scored, they'd have a higher OPS, and undoubtedly their numbers in "clutch" situations would have looked a little better. Which means they'd have won more games. Timely hits are what wins ballgames. And you know how you get timely hits? By having your best hitters up there in "timely" situations. And you know how you do that? By getting your best hitters more at-bats. And you know how you do that? By moving your best hitters up in the lineup, your worst hitters down in the lineup, and Scott Hatteberg anywhere outside the lineup.

So did Ken Macha's managerial impotence cost Hudgens his job? Yeah, it probably did. But Macha is the one negotiating for a new deal, and poor ol' Dave is scouring the want ads.

I guess you could say that makes him the scapegoat.

Monday, October 03, 2005

This is the End


My only friend, the end.

Thanks for the repressed memories, Ken. But this was supposed to be it for you. The end of the line. And we wouldn't have to deal with your lineups, your lack of passion, your painfully unlistenable radio interviews, your in-game naps, or your complete inability to ever once put your finger on the pulse of the ballgame. Not that I don't like a manager with cameltoe, it's just that...well....uh....fuck you, you suck.

You singlehandedly cost us the playoffs the last two seasons, but the silver lining was that you would be going somewhere else next year (preferably floating somwhere in the East River). Or you could just go back to the place where you were born: Moron-ville, Pennsylvania.

Seriously, how perfect is it that you were born in Moron-ville? I think it's perfect.

What's that? Oh. Well, you're still a moron. And if there were a Moron-Ville, I guarantee you'd have been born there.

Anyway, this was supposed to be it. You would be gone, and Oakland fans might be able to reasonably think about making the playoffs for a change. And now we have confirmation that the Oakland front office has made you an offer that should be thrown in the refuse.

Let me make one thing perfectly clear: This franchise will not make the playoffs as long as you are the manager. Your in-game management is a joke. Your leadership is even worse. And your lineups are the equivalent of eating too much chili when you can't get to a toilet and you accidentally get diarrhea all over your undies. You cost us wins. Because you're an asshole.

So do us a favor. Don't accept the offer. Ruin another franchise for a change. Make this be the end. You're not wanted here.

Asshole.