Monday, November 28, 2005

Oakland Signs Esteban Loaiz-huh??

Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm not even trying to "get" it.
"We're giving Esteban friggin Loaiza twenty one million dollars? Okie-dokie."

--Me, to myself.
I guess the first ASSumption everyone is making is that we're trading Zito. I guess that'd be a fair ASSumption to make, considering what occured last off-season. But wasn't everyone ASSuming that we'd make "one last run with the Big 3" just one year ago? I know I was.

My assuming days are over. Remember when I thought we'd make a deadline deal? Or when I thought we fired Macha? Yeah, that was stupid. Fool me twice...

I'll leave the assuming to you dopes.

We're trading Zito for a power, right-handed bat! Billy's intentionally ruining the market for the Angels and Rangers! We're trading Zito for Conor Jackson and Carlos Quentin! By over-paying for Loaiza, Billy's driving up the price for Saarloos, Kennedy and Cruz! We're trading Zito for Dunn! We're signing Nomar next!

I don't know what the hell this all means. Billy does and, really, that's all that matters. He's made good moves before and he's made terrible moves before. I'm going to wait until all the dominos fall until I form my final opinion.

So "In Billy we Trust" and all that bullshit. We're all rooting for the name on the front, not the names on the back, right?

Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thanks For Nothing, You Damn Turkey

I'd like to take a moment to wish a happy thanksgiving to everybody in this world that is not Ken Macha. Even vegetarian animal rights activists can agree on the fact that Macha is one turkey who deserves to be slaughtered, skinned, baked, basted, and carved on a dinner table next to those giant ostentacious squash decorations that everybody gets. But I digress. Today is a day of remembrance where white people such as myself like to take a moment and give thanks for the fact that it was so easy to get the damn Indians off our land that we rightfully stole from them. I mean, if they were going to complain about us burning down all their little Indian villages during and after the Revolutionary War, what did they expect was going to happen?

"Trail of tears? Not for us, it wasn't"
-Andrew Jackson

Anyway, the point is that sometimes in order to truly understand another person's or people's plight, you have to spend some time walking in their shoes. And for the last three years, A's fans have been playing the part of the Native Americans while Ken Macha has been slaughtering our season while still collecting the benefits of being a major league manager and drawing a large paycheck. The Cherokee were forced to live with the reality that their new home was Arkansas, and A's fans are forced to live with the reality of second place in perpetuity. Personally, I'd rather have my entire family murdered and displaced than have to live with one more second of Macha as a manager, but unfortunately, I don't get to make that decision. Just as the Indians were powerless to stop the agression of the white man, I am powerless to remove Ken Macha from his post as A's manager. If you ask me, the Indians got off easy.

But anyway, on the media driven creation of parades and lost productivity that is Thanksgiving, let's stop and take a moment to give thanks for what is actually good:

1) The annual Macha-led September collapse is still more than 9 months away.
2) It will be over 4 months before Kendall, batting leadoff, weakly grounds to third in a game that counts in the standings
3) Bobby Crosby has gone almost 3 entire months without breaking a bone.
4) It's been well over 6 weeks since Macha singlehandedly lost a game for us.
5) In about a month, I get to see my friend's mom (age 51), who is still one of the hottest women on the planet. His sister, too.
6) The number of automatic double play makers in our lineup next year will be halved on day's when Kielty isn't playing against a right handed pitcher.
7) For about the next 16 weeks, Macha can schedule his naps from 7pm-10pm all he wants, and it won't bother me.

See? There's a lot of good in this world; all you have to do is take the time and look for it. Ken Macha may be to managing what Gigli was to movies, but in the month of November, I'm not going to let it bother me. And that's what Thanksgiving is all about.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Friday, November 11, 2005

A simple suggestion for Ken

'Nuff said.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Manager of the Yaaaaaaarrrr!!!!

Which Idiots Voted for this Ass-Pirate?

Well folks, the Manager-of-the-Year voting results are in; and Macha didn't win. Thank fucking God for that. That would have been the biggest fucking travesty of all time, because if you've watched Macha try to manage a game for about a second, you know that he's the fucking dumbest piece of fuck of all time. So while we can cry and bemoan all day that the voters supremely fucked up on the AL Cy Young (which they did), at least they didn't give the manager of the year to the least deserving piece of cumgargle in the history of civilization.

However, the voters aren't off the hook entirely; the asshole still finished in 4th place. Amazingly, he was named on 11 ballots total. And get this: one voter even gave him a 1st place vote. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Yeah, I couldn't believe it, either, but it's true. See for yourself:

                AL Manager of Year Voting

Manager 1st place 2nd place 3rd place Points

Ozzie Guillen 17 5 5 105

Eric Wedge 6 11 8 71

Joe Torre 4 7 2 43

Ken Macha 1 3 7 21

Mike Scioscia 0 1 4 7

Terry Francona 0 1 1 4

John Gibbons 0 0 1 1

If you want to know who the 11 dumbest sportswriters in America are, I can think of a pretty good place to start looking. I mean, this guy for manager of the year? Are ya fuckin' kiddin' me? Just look at how dumb he looks. And is. To keep with the Pirate theme, this guy has singlehandedly sunk our ship the last two years. Singlehandedly forced the season off the plank. I am now out of pirate analogies.

You know, maybe it's time we stop letting sportswriters vote for these awards? They don't watch enough baseball to draw accurate conclusions, they're not smart enough to look at the stats to figure anything out, and most of the time, you get travesties like this. On what planet does Macha qualify as the 4th best anything? I guess he'd make a pretty good compost heap. I guess.

Anyway, I've always found the argument for how Macha is a good manager amusing, so I'll rehash it here:

So the team started off the season 17-32. This poor start is attributable entirely to Billy Beane because he traded Hudson and Mulder and he also wrote Moneyball, which Joe Morgan doesn't like. During this time, Macha was doing everything he could to steady the ship, but because Billy had handicapped him so severely, there was nothing that could be done. Then, all of a sudden, even though he didn't change his lineup or strategy in any way, the team started winning. 49 wins in 65 games. This was all due to Macha being a brilliant manager. Sure, he was still sleeping on the bench every night, without a clue of what was happening. Sure, his pitching changes were idiotic, and yeah, he insisted on batting Kendall and Hatteberg in important spots in the lineup. Sure, he didn't bother arguing any calls or sticking up for his time, but without Macha's steady hand, this team would have gone nowhere. Billy tried to fuck Macha over by giving him a shitty team, but Ken the Zen would have none of it; he won in spite of Billy's interference. Take that Billy! Macha 4 President! Then, in September, when the team began its inevitable collapse because of Macha's refusal to give his players any days off, not even the great Ken Macha was enough to overcome the damage that Billy had caused the team during the offseason. Sure, Haren, Blanton, and Saarloos were significantly better than Hudson, Mulder, and Redman, but it was their veteran presence that we lacked in September. If Billy hadn't foolishly traded those guys, Macha would have guided us to the playoffs. It's pretty simple, really. Macha rules and Billy drools.

I know that a lot of what I write on here is in jest and/or hyperbole, but this is the actual argument that ESPN and sportswriters will propagate. I know it's ridiculous, but it's true.

4th place in manager of the year voting.....give me a fucking break.

Urbina Outfitters

So I turned on my computer yesterday to get the latest news, and what do I find? A story about how Ugueth Urbina allegedly tried to hack some workers to death with machetes and then set them on fire. And my first reaction was, "Holy shit! That dude is fucked up!" But more importantly, my second thought was, "Let's trade for this dude, and then hire him Johnnie Cochran or something so he can get off." And my third thought should have been "Uh, dude, Johnnie's dead," but I didn't think that. I was just too giddy to be thinking straight.

Here's why I want Urbina on this team: If he's tried to kill once, he'll try to kill again. And who on the team is most likely to be the target of a crazed killer? That's right, the white-haired dipshit. Can you imagine how awesome it would be if you turned on the news one night to see pictures of Macha's charred, decapitated body? I'm pretty sure I would do the Balky Bartokomous 'dance of joy' for the next twelve years. And Urbina's defense would be, "You know, I didn't want to kill him, but he's just so fucking stupid. How is this guy not in an institution?" And I would totally agree with Uggy. I think we would all totally agree with him.

So that's my new plan. I want guys on this team who are likely to go crazy and just start killing people. That's why I'm glad we signed Gerald Perry; maybe he'll punch Macha in the face. I've heard rumors we're trying to trade for Milton Bradley. I say get him. He hasn't killed yet, but there's a first time for everything. OJ is currently unemployed. Sign him up to be the DH. I think it's important we do whatever we can to bring people here who kill, because there's a good chance they'll try to quench their killing thirst by killing Macha first. And that would be a good thing. Nay, a great thing.

Opening up the newspaper to find a headline that reads, "Macha hacked to death and burned to pieces" would be sweeter than yoo-hoo.

And that's my final answer.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Blown Jobs - Ricardo Rincon Edition

For as bad as people make Rincon out to be, he only had two blown saves this season. And our mighty A's came back to win both of those games.

Blown Save Number: 1
Anaheim at Oakland

Kirk Saarloos got off to a rocky start, giving up three runs in his first two innings against the Angels. However, he took a lead into the third, as our A's scored two runs in the first and two runs in the second. Saarloos settled down and didn't allow another run over the next three innings. After walking Jeff Davanon and giving up a single to Vladimir Guerrero to start the sixth, he was pulled in favor of Ricardo Rincon. Rincon quickly fell behind Garrett Anderson 2-0...then gave up a three-run homerun. Rincon would retire Steve Finley before being pulled in favor of Huston Street.

The Angels took a two-run lead into the bottom of the sixth, but it quickly disappeared after a Scott Hatteberg single and Marco Scutaro two-run homer. The A's lead would hold up and they'd go on to win 7-6. Huston Street would pick up his first Major League victory and Octavio Dotel would pick up his first (and only???) save of the season.

Anaheim - 7, Oakland - 6

Blown Save Number: 2
Oakland at Toronto

Bottom of 7th ............................. Score
Ricardo Rincon pitching for Oakland ...... OAK TOR

R Rincon relieved D Haren. ................ 5 . 4
O Hudson homered to center. ............... 5 . 5

That's pretty much that. We'd go on to win in 11.

Oakland - 10, Toronto - 7

These were just a couple of cases of Rincon failing to do his job.

Macha's still having him face WAY too many right-handers, but with only one lefty in the 'pen for a majority of the year, I'm willing to cut him a little more slack than I have in previous years.

Up next: Justin Duchscherer.

Previous blown jobs: Joe Kennedy, Jay Witasick.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

#1: Gen Yes NO!!

Ladies and Germs, it's time for the moment of truth: it's time to divulge the most responsible person for Ken Macha's return. And after carefully analyzing the evidence, receiving input from my most trusted advisors, and consulting with my Magic 8-ball, it has been determined that the majority of blame lay at the feet of........Billy Beane.

Yes, Billy, it is you who is most responsible. You teased us with your summarily dismissing the asshole on October 5th, but then made an entire nation of fans cry just over a week later, when you foolishly brought him back. This is unforgiveable, Billy. Absolutely, totally, unequivocally unforgivable. He is one of the worst managers in baseball, and although I didn't think it was possible, he's actually gotten worse with each new year. It's like something that only gets better, except exactly the opposite. Un-fucking-believable. How many games is the asshole going to cost us in 2006? 10? 12? 50? You've doomed us to a second place finish, Billy. Even if we're better than the Angels, Macha will make sure that we're not. And you gave him a raise, to boot? On what planet do you give a raise to a guy who was terrible at his job to begin with, and then gets worse as time goes on? And now that Macha has over 2.5 million guaranteed to be direct-deposited over the next three years, will he actually care even less about the team now? Before, he would argue about 1 out of every 450 bad calls that went against us....will it be 1 out of 1000 now? Will his lineups be even dumber? Is that even possible? I saw that you (foolishly) re-signed Jay Witasick; Macha might as well make him the closer. I try not to think about what Macha is going to do to this team over the next three years, because it's just going to make me cry. It makes us all cry. And you brought him back. In-fucking-credible, Billy. What were you thinking? Have you seen what the fans think about this? Haven't you been able to figure out that Macha is just a born loser? His pattern of losing isn't just a coincidence. It's who he is. It was who we were for the last three years, thanks to him. And now, thanks to you, it will be who we are over the next three years. Fucking christ, man. Fucking christ.

I don't want you fired, though, Billy. I still think you're the best GM in the game. I take a look around and see that it could be A LOT worse. We could have Bill Bavasi, or Jim Bowden, or Allard Baird. Losing you would be a crippling blow to this franchise. We'd be a small market team that had our stars aligned once every 5 or 6 years, and would be also-rans the rest of the time. You've set us up to compete, but you've also installed our "glass-ceiling" in Ken Macha. The schedule has set up very nicely next year for the Angels to celebrate on our field again; that'll be fun to see.

So in the end, I have determined that your punishment shall be only that you are no longer going to be referred to as a genius. Yeah, that must be a tough pill to swallow for you, much like being admonished or censured, but that's all I can do right now.

So sign Brian Giles. Sign Paul Konerko. Sign Scott Eyre, Billy Wagner, and BJ Ryan. Sign them all. It doesn't matter, because Macha would still fuck it up.

Are you a good GM, Billy? Yes, you are. Are you a genius? Hell no, you aren't.

But what you are is the most responsible person for Macha's return. So congratulations, Billy.


Wednesday, November 02, 2005

#2 Hungry Hungry Hippies

In our continuing series of placing blame at the feet of everybody but ourselves, it's time to divulge the second most responsible party for Ken Macha's return. Find the other parts here, here, and here. And number 2 on this list is......drumroll please........hippies.

Yes, hippies. Hippies are a plague upon this world, responsible for everything from Rosie O'Donnell's career to the ridiculous vegetarian movement that only gets you in trouble with fags when you tell them how fucking gay they are for not eating meat...and OH THE IRONY, btw.

In short, I hate hippies. Can't stand them. Not so much the "tune in, turn on, drop out" hippies, but the hippies that actually affect your lives....legislative hippies. My generation was the last one that was able to enjoy even a partial hippie-free upbringing. Not only were misogyny and homophobia accepted, they were promoted. If I wanted to cold-cock a bitch for not making me enough pie, or stab a fag for rolling up the sleeves on his Donald Duck t-shirt, I could. And everyone would laugh and have a grand ole time, because really, who was getting hurt? That's right, nobody.

But that all changed when I was 11 or so, thanks to the Clarence Thomas fiasco. I bet Anita Hill came up to him and said, "Hi, I'm Anita Hill." And C-Thom probably replied, "You need a hill? Well, I need a blowjob. Why don't you strap on the knee pads and get to work, beeotch?" A few senate congressional hearings later, we could no longer do that. Ditto with the domestic violence. And secretaries all of a sudden became Administrative Assistants. And the gay rights movement took flight. Thanks a lot, hippies.

Anyway, my point is that if we lived in a world without hippies, Ken Macha never would have returned. Because Lew Wolff wouldn't have felt any societal pressure to write him a letter thanking him for being an asshole, and Macha never would have felt comfortable crawling back on his hands and knees and begging for his old job back. Because we used to live in a world where we didn't have to talk about our feelings. We used to live in a world where men were men, where fighting wars was cool, and having dignity was all that mattered.

But not anymore. Over the last 3 years, we've learned not only that Macha is a fucking imbecile, but that it's ok to not be a man. We've learned that if you put 5 fags together and let them decorate your apartment, they'll make you look like a fag, too. We've learned that Dr. Phil is nothing more than a dumb hick from Arkansas or some dumbass state, and that if you take ten thousand hippies and put them together, all they'll manage to accomplish is to connect their arms with poles. Great work, idiots. That'll stop the war.

So hippies, why don't you take your act somewhere else? I could accept the feminist movement. I could accept the gay rights movement. I could just not watch Dr. Phil. But I can't accept Ken Macha. And it's your fault that he's coming back. A hippie-free world is a Ken Macha-free world.

And we'd all be better off without either of you.

God damn hippies.