Friday, June 16, 2006

Grady Little is a Moron and I love him


Mercy. You might be used to watching a game in which Ken Macha manages involve some of the most ridiculously indefensible moves you'll ever see. You might not be used to the other manager making those moves.

But tonight, in the first game in which Ken Macha went up against Grady Little since the collective managing monstrosity that was the 2003 division series, Grady Little showed us all why his redneck dumbass was kicked to the curb the second the RedSox season was over. But Macha, not to be outdone, reminded us all that while the kid may be an up and coming moron, old ironbrains Ken is still the Baron of Brainfarts.

In the 6th inning, after Brett Tomko had tiptoed through 5 innings while only allowing 5 runs, Grady decided to ignore the fact that Bobby Kielty is an excellent right handed hitter but terrible from the left side, and brought in some left handed Chinaman because he apparently felt like giving Kielty a 250 point OPS boost for the at-bat. Kielty promptly doubled. Luckily for Grady, a very nice play by Dodger DUI on a Melhuse rope prevented that run from scoring. But things wouldn't work out so well for Grady when he played with the same fire in the 7th. With 2 outs and a runner on first and the Chinaman still on the mound, Jay Payton came to bat. Now, a quick check of Payton's numbers show him to very good against lefties, and very bad against righties. The next batter after Payton was Bobby Kielty. There was absolutely no reason to leave the Chinaman in the game, but leave him in he did. Both batters roped doubles, with Kielty's ball being maybe a foot short of a homerun. A 5-3 score was now 7-3, and the game was over. Both of those runs should be charged to Grady Little's ERA, as they were almost entirely his fault. Payton and Kielty are about as automatic an out batting against righties as Ken Macha is to making out a dumb lineup.

Now, there is no reason to think that the Dodgers would have come back from that 5-3 deficit. But let's assume that the final score remained at 5-3, and that the loss wasn't Little's fault (which really, it wasn't). But here's why that's fucking stupid.

Right now, the A's pen is terrible. It has Street and Calero, who are both excellent. Gaudin's got a great arm, but he's not quite ready for prime time. He's as hit-or-miss as a Radiohead cd. Everybody else came from the same manure bag from which Macha's brain was constructed. But guess what: if Little brings in a righty and the score is 5-3, Calero pitches the 8th, and Street pitches the 9th. Now, Ken Macha has already come out and said that Calero will not pitch in back to back days. If he has to pitch tonight, that means he's unavailable tomorrow, and the A's would only have 1 solid reliever in their pen, and then Gaudin. Also, if the Dodgers can force Street into the game, it would have been the third day in a row, and 7th out of the last 8 games in which Street had appeared. There would have been at least a decent chance that Street couldn't pitch Saturday, and if he did, he's definitely out Sunday.

Little could have effectively dismantled our bullpen for this series, but he was content to let both Payton and Kielty bat from the side of the plate where both are close to .900 OPS hitters (instead of .600), and paid for it dearly. Huston Street is now likely available for each of the two remaining games in this series. And was Little aware of who is starting tomorrow? I think Kirk Saarloos is a hell of a competitor, and his balls are made of rebar. And he probably should have been awarded a medal for the way he pitched when his mom was battling cancer, but lets face it; the dude is at best an average major league starter. He generally only goes 5-6 innings, meaning you definitely get into the bullpen when he throws. So if Grady could have managed tonight's game resigned to defeat but still thinking about tomorrow, he could have positioned himself to get 3-4 innings out of Halsey/Karsay/Witasick/etc, and given himself an even better chance to win the game tomorrow. But he didn't. With a 4 run lead, neither Street nor Calero had to come into the game, and Grady just ended up compounding his mistake.

"But what about Ken?" you say. "Surely he didn't manage the game correctly." Well, as a certain weird guy from Mepos once said, "of course not, don't be ridiculous." Macha was his usual moronfuck self. First off, Ken's original lineup consisted of the guy with the 1.528 June OPS batting 8th against a righty, in between Payton (who can't hit righties) and Scutaro (who can't hit, period), meaning Ken had effectively taken Johnson, his hottest hitter, out of the game before it even began. Also, the original lineup had Bobby Kielty (who can't hit righties) as DH, while Melhuse rotted on the bench. However, after Kotsay's back spasm'd up on him, Melhuse was inserted at DH, and Johnson was moved to 6th in the order. For those wondering, no, Kielty did not get a hit against a righty tonight.

And then, Macha made his most indefensible move of the night. With a 7-3 9th inning lead, he brought in Calero to close it out. Calero did so without difficulty, but now is not available for tomorrow. Grady Little had tried to give Ken an absolute gift, but Macha would have none of it. Now, tomorrow's bullpen consists of Huston Street and nothing else. With Saarloos starting, it could be rough. Tomrrow, if Halsey or Witasick or Karsay or somebody of that ilk gives up the game losing hit when Calero otherwise would have been in, that loss will be pinned entirely on Macha.

You know, just because the A's have won 8 in a row and 11 of 12 doesn't mean Macha is a good manager. And likewise, just because they're losing doesn't make him bad. But when he continually and consistently trots out idiotic lineups, waits too long to take out pitchers and then brings in the wrong guy, or uses one of his ace relievers in a totally unnecessary situation, he helps create losses. Tomorrow could very well be the 5th game this season that Macha has singlehandedly lost for us, and there is absolutely no reason that has to be the case. Those who play both pool and chess must look several moves ahead, and factor in what might take place a little down the road in their most immediate decision. Sure, it's great to take a pawn, but if you're giving up your rook two moves later because of it, maybe you oughta leave the pawn be. And if hitting in the 7-ball gives your opponent an open road to knock in three or four of his balls, perhaps you should make another move. If a chess player doesn't look ahead, he loses. Ditto for a pool player. So why aren't we holding managers to the same standard?

I'm pleased as roofie punch that we won tonight, but the team is weaker tomorrow when it didn't have to be. This is something that you're not going to hear about on talk radio, in the newspapers, or discussed on Asslicker's Nation. On those forums, you'll read about the good times, about enjoying the victories, and how to jam a tampon as far down your ear canal as possible. But looking ahead is a very real concept in baseball. Squirrels store nuts when the weather is nice. People fix their roof when the weather is nice. Grady should have been aware of our bullpen situation. And Macha sure as hell should have been, too. But neither was, and it ended up costing both. We need to start holding these people to higher standards, and we're not. If anybody can find any written or spoken reference anywhere condemning Macha for being an idiot even though the A's won, I will send you 1 million dollars. Yeah, that's a pretty empty promise, because we both know that anybody who dares question how things are done must be some bitter, lonely loser with no friends or life (the fact that this is all true of me is merely a coincidence), so you'll never see it. Baseball isn't politics; for some reason, people think that intelligence is a requisite before you can get into analysis. Try and tell Macha that he's an idiot on a day the A's win, and you're Chicken Little. But try and use sound economic principles learned while obtaining your economics degree to explain why Universal health care is a bad idea, and you must be a rich Republican (note: I am neither). We live in an ass-backwards (and hopelessly obese) society, and oftentimes it becomes a little much to take. But sell your t-shirts, Blez. Write your campy articles, Susan. Why think about stuff? That just takes up valuable time. This is quite literally the most pathetic thing I've ever read in my life (and I've read like a third of Atlas Shrugged), but Blez was still likely paid for his "thoughts," which consisted of nothing but hearsay, conjecture, speculation, and some of the most hideous writing skills around (this blog notwithstanding). Unfuckingbelievable, huh? And yet my spot on analysis day after day after day only gets seen by about 4,000 people per month. There's still a lot of people who need to be educated by me. A lot.

A few years ago, the A's had a book written about them that sort of became both popular and misunderstood. But at its heart, it tried to say that in baseball, a lot of things are done stupidly, so the A's do a lot of things differently. But three years ago, when both the RedSox and the A's watched their managers do their absolute best to lose the playoff series (Ken succeeded, but Grady would get his revenge in the championship series), only one team realized that they had a sunk cost at manager. They replaced him with somebody halfway competent, and the next year they won the World Series (ok, the 12 billion they spent in the offseason probably helped a little). The RedSox did what was smart on the ballfield and not the ledger sheet. They canned the manager whom they still owed money because he was hemorrhaging the team the same way Britney Spears hemorrhages the twinkie aisle (does that make sense? It's too late for this shit). But the A's didn't. They suffered through that year, and they suffered through the next two where Macha was probably singularly reponsible for the team not even making the playoffs (he absolutely was in 2004). And then they went and signed him to an extension, where he has continued to pull the same crap that he pulled for the last three.

Understand this: Ken Macha will never lead a team to the World Series. He is incapable of making the tiny moves necessary to win ballgames. And that only gets magnified in the playoffs (not that we'll ever get there again). So when a fan of another team disparages moneyball and uses the wrong arguments, such as on-base percentage, stealing, defense, or character to try and do so, realize that the fan is ultimately right, although for the wrong reasons. The A's don't do things differently but more efficiently at all. The A's do things that hurt the club. Re-hiring Macha is like invading Russia in the winter, losing, but getting more troops and supplies from the UN to cover those losses, and then invading Russia again the next winter. Isn't it funny that we can never win because of our payroll, and yet, at the same time, what we do accomplish despite the lower payroll makes us heroes? So the fuck what. How many years in a row do we get to hide behind that crutch? Develop players, sign and trade for good players, make smart decisions, and win the fucking world series. That's the job. That's Billy's job. That's Ken's job. Try this on for size: From 2005-2008, the A's will pay Jason Kendall, Esteban Loaiza, Ken Macha, Jay Payton and Jay Witasick approximately 63.9 million dollars. From 2004-2008, the Angels will pay Vlad Guerrero 70 million dollars. Which group would you rather have? Yeah, I thought so. It's about being smart, and the A's haven't been smart for at least two years now.

The Angels won the series with a moderate payroll, as did the Marlins and Whitesox. Yet somehow, for us, it's impossible to do so because we're the red-headed stepchild of the Bay Area with pitiful radio and tv contracts who gets ignored in the newspaper? Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a god damn river. Wait, what? Life isn't working out perfectly? The fuck you say. Just get the fuck right out of here. Well, when life doesn't work out perfectly, there's only one thing to do: complain about it. Luckily for us A's fans, our team complains bitterly. About the market size. About the stadium. About the local coverage. About the economic climate of baseball. Anything that detracts from the fact that given everything that we've been given, the A's have failed to accomplish anything since 1989. Awesome.

Macha is a dullard, plain and simple. I don't give a fuck if he has an engineering degree. I know literally hundreds of people from college with engineering degrees that can barely put on their pants without falling over. Hell, Roman has an engineering degree, and look how dumb he is (j/k man...you rock!). But Macha is a stupid human being that cannot act or think quickly and cannot adapt to any situation. It's like the person who memorizes the multiplication tables, but doesn't really understand the principles behind them. So when the test comes, while 8 x 9 = 72 is in their memory banks, what is 9 x 6 might as well be in another fucking language. And that's just like Ken, except he fails at everything and is a cocksucking faggot who is singlehandedly ruining my life (well, that and my DNA).

Many people say the RedSox were the first Moneyball team to win the world series because they didn't steal or bunt. There are probably about 25 valid reasons why the RedSox WEREN'T a moneyball team that year (the payroll that equaled Niger's GDP probably being a main reason), they were in a sense. They still owed Grady Little money on his contract, but realized he was a sunk cost and got rid of him before he could cost them 2004, too. They didn't look for rationalization in the fact that he had won over 90 games in each of his two seasons as manager, they, they realized it was the games he wasn't winning that were more important. Because he managed the RedSox exactly like he managed tonight; indescribably horrible. So they canned him. And they were rewarded with a World Series. That, my friends, is money. Well, Ken Macha has averaged over 90 wins a season in his managing tenure. Radical. That, and my balls on your lips will get you a teabag. It's not the game he's winning that are the problem. It's the games he loses that get to me.

Tonight, we were all witness to a special showing of exactly why the 2004 RedSox never would have won shit with Grady Little. We were also given the 878th encore performance of why any A's team will never win shit with Ken Macha. My sources indicate to me that Michael Lewis is hard at work on his next novel "RetardBall."

The A's have won 8 straight games, but what's the fucking difference? Ken Macha will make sure the season ends in heartache and despair, just like he always does. Anything Grady Little does, Ken Macha can do better. Little only cost his team one potential championship. Macha is already at 3 and counting.

Now it's late and I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. Fuck Macha. Fuck Macha right in the ear. I swear to fucking God I'm going to kill that asshole one of these days. The jailtime would be worth it, because if for no other reason, I probably wouldn't be allowed to watch the A's.

Fuck Macha.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Faster than a speeding turd

A drunk speeding turd...A drunk speeding Tijuana Turd



When you're in the comedy business, there are times when the game can be a grind. Even I occasionally suffer through an episode of comedy writer's block. Now, I know what you're going to say; You're going to say, "But Greg, your sense of humor is so distinguished, sophisticated, and mature. Surely that never goes on vacation." But let me tell you, it happens to the best of us. After all, funny can have so many different meanings, the same way "We're just friends" can often mean "he likes her, but she's dating some Italian cocksucker" (purely hypothetical, btw). However, there do exist times when the jokes just write themselves. The postman knocks on your door and says "special delivery from obvious," and all you have to do is copy and paste the hilarity onto your blog, and reap the rewards.

Friends, this is one of those times.

With news coming out late last night that the Tijuana Turd was arrested for driving drunk, I think I speak for all of us when I say our reaction was "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a jackass!" I think I also speak for all of us when I say, "Is there any way this could be the impetus to getting out from under his Damocles-ian contract?" I sure hope so. It worked for the Rockies with Denny Neagle, after all. And surely solicitation of a prostitute is far less offensive than driving drunk, right?

Now, mind you, we here at FireMacha are not casting judgement. Let he who is without sin do something or other. If Loaiza wants to get hammered to try and forget his season, that's fine and dandy with us. I think I've lost count of how many beers I've been forced to consume watching Loaiza "pitch." And after all, drunk driving would never be the least bit tragic if those stupid innocent bystanders could just stop hogging the sidewalks that we alcoholics love to drive down. Sheesh.

However, you gotta give Stevie his props. Every time I'm a little inebriated and get behind the wheel, after I intentionally run down a few elderly people and then some children, I try to obey the laws of the road as best I can. After all, you can't fail a breatha-Loaiza test (if breatha-Loaiza isn't the funniest fucking thing you've ever read, then Macha can eat a goat's dick) if the cop doesn't pull you over. Turns out Este-auto-bahn (am I on a fucking roll or what?) was cruising down Hwy 238 at speeds in excess of 120 miles per hour. A mexican speeding near Hayward? Jesus, the dude never had a chance. Oh well, he'll be able to pay those hefty DUI fines with some of the 21 million he's stealing from us, so it's not like this will hit him in the pocketbook or anything. And if Leonard Little has taught us nothing else, it's that even mediocre professional athletes are immune from those pesky little laws like "Don't drink and drive." So Esteban should be ok. And in the end, isn't that what's most important?

As for the A's, they keep winning because it's June. And in June, even Macha doing something stupid like batting Kielty against a right-hander turns out well, and the red haired freakazoid will bust out 2 hits, runs, and RBI. So....yeah.

Now, let's all point and laugh at Loaiza. If nothing else, this makes insulting the dude a lot easier in the future.

What a turd...a Tijuana Turd.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Behind the Macha



Well, wasn't this road trip just a nut-tickling good time? 5 out of 6 in two cities where we generally choke even worse than we choke everywhere else. Good pitching, breaks going our way, and fuck - even Estella Blowaiza threw a gem. Well, shove a Jack-O-Lantern up my urethra and watch me piss out of my nose. Ain't life grand. June is here; the team has won 9 of 11 and climbed to within 2 games of first place Texas. Not only has the hitting improved, but Frank Thomas has now gone from simply justifying his 500k salary to possibly being included in the All-star game discussion. Let's all throw a party. The A's are over .500 and winning ballgames. Let's just hoist up that banner right now. There's just no stopping the Oakland juggernaut.

Think again.

How many seasons in a row do we have to watch this pattern play out? Start out slow, hot in the middle, choke on dick at the end. It's the same thing every god damn year. And now that we've reached the portion of the season where we win games, then NOW all of a sudden this is our year. NOW there's no way we'll choke in September. NOW this is finally the season the A's stay healthy and win it all.

Think again.

Despite the recent winning streak, it's time to take a closer look at the team. It's time to go Behind the Macha.

Earlier this year, I wrote the following:

Look, this isn't the playoffs. We don't need Street or Duchscherer to perform Yeoman's work to win these games in April for us. I don't want to see these guys headed to the hill for 5 or 6 days in a row, even if all those games are close. If Macha is backed into a corner by how much he used these guys in the previous couple of three games, sit them down. There may be a situation where we have to send Jay Witasick out to protect a one run 9th inning lead. And he may lose that game. That's the way the ball bounces.
-Me, April 14th


Soon after that, Macha sent Huston Street to the mound four out of five days. Not long after that, Street went on the disabled list for about 12 years. As many of you know, Street has now pitched four consecutive days and five of the last six. Awesome. I realize the bullpen is kinda fucked up right now (even accounting for the fact that Macha is generally the one who fucks it up), but you are just playing with fire by sending the guy out there day after day after day. Of course, if Macha weren't a complete idiot, Street never would have thrown on Saturday.

With the score 4-2 and the bases loaded in the 8th inning on Saturday, Dan Johnson lofted a shallow fly ball down the left field line that landed in fair territory. With two outs, the runners were off on contact. Frank Thomas, the runner at second base, managed to not score on a ball that was in the air for a good 6 or 7 seconds. Even though it was obvious he should have been pinch run for at that point (obvious, of course, has a far different meaning for Ken Macha), he wasn't. Frank was injured on the play, and was forced to sit out Sunday's game. The A's say he'll be back Tuesday, but when it comes to injuries and recovery time, the A's word is about as helpful as Macha's brain. There have now been two obvious situations this year when Macha should have taken Thomas off the basepaths. He didn't, and both times, Frank suffered an injury. Macha can rationalize it all he wants about possibly needing Frank's bat in the lineup should his spot come up again, but he's just trying to cover his own ass because he's a retard. The first time Macha didn't take Frank out, we were down by 6 runs in the 8th inning. Yeah, I know. No further explanation necessary.

Anyway, had Macha inserted a pinch runner, the A's would have gone up 6-2, and Street wouldn't have come in to close. As it was, Street shouldn't have come in, anyway. Chad Gaudin should have come in to protect the three run 9th inning lead, and our star closer who has already been injured this year shouldn't have been forced in three consecutive days.

It is quite possible (and is actually happening) for Macha to fuck this team up even when we're winning. So let me ask you this: What makes this year different from all the rest? What possible reason for optimism is there? Chavez can barely walk now; it's only a matter of time until he's on the DL. Will Carroll is reporting that Harden is headed for Tommy John surgery. And we still have Macha.

Idiots are so quick to credit Macha's steady hand when things are going well. Well, that's just fucking great. It's so god damn difficult to be a manager when your players are winning. But what about Macha's steady hands when the team isn't winning. Before this winning 9 of 11 run, the team lost 10 of 11. Well, did Macha do anything different during that losing streak to try and get them out of it? Any hit and runs, stolen bases, bunts, sacrifices? Early in the season, the ONLY thing that was good about our lineup was Swisher and Chavez back to back. Well, Ken couldn't break that up fast enough. But when the lineup wasn't working, did Ken make any changes to it? Did he hire a priest to perform a clubhouse seance (don't laugh..psychosomatic measures can help too)? Did he do ANYTHING that might help the team stop losing? Or did he just sit there like a cocksucker and watch loss after loss pile up and then blame the injuries, just as I told you he was going to do?

Yeah, I thought so.

And the next time the going gets tough (early September), you can bet your bottom dollar (the one you're hopefully not wasting to watch the A's), that Macha will just sit there like a jackass and watch the team tank for yet another year. Different year, same movie.

But hey, let's celebrate this winning streak. We have won 10 of our last 22 games, after all. This team is totally world class. THIS is the year they finally win it all.

Um, think again. You have to look closer. You have to look Behind the Macha.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Uh...yeah. Did you get that Memo?


I've been away for what seems like an eternity and I am quite confident that everyone involved is seeking professional help to deal with the obvious depression associated with my absense...but fear not my friends...I have returned.

Last Friday I was sitting at my desk trying to make the last two hours of the day disappear when one of my female co-workers approached me and asked if I "Got the voice mail?" I get lots of voice mails, many of them stupid, and THE voice mail she was talking about was almost assured to be one of those. They all are.

"You have GOT to listen to it," she quipped.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just do it," she laughed. "It's worth it."

Okay...So I did.

I opened up the message and heard the branch president begin talking...I just assumed it was the normal weekly voice mail he sends out on Friday afternoons (actually, he records it and his assistant sends it out....more on her in a bit)...how wrong I was. Normally his messages do nothing more than update us on the happenings within the company. You know...new accounts, new business, personal goals, new hires, pep talks - what can YOU do for the company? - Stuff that is right out of office space pretty much.

Unfortunately (well, for us cube rats it was a blessing on a boring mundane Friday) his assistant forwarded out the wrong voice mail to the company, turns out the voice mail she sent out to the entire company was the president trying to set up their secret late night rendez vouz at a local sleep shack.

There are two great things about the president plowing his assistant.

1. To say his assistant gets around like a record would be a disservice to records. I have worked at this company for roughly three years and in those three years this woman has been married four times. Four. I didn't think it was possible to have four relationships in three years let alone four marriages. Yet here we are.

"Hell........Lumberg fucked her."

2. Our president is a moral bible thumper in every sense of the phrase, "Moral bible thumper." The fact he is not only bangin' another broad, but bangin' his assistant (which is just so cliche), is incredible.

I love it.

About an hour after this voice mail we got another voice mail from the branch president talking about how we have this new voice mail system (which we don't) and earlier in the day some "tests" were made. He continued to ramble on about how "we all need to pay attention to detail in our daily work and need to be accountable for every one of our actions."

You just can not make this shit up.

The day before all of this happened I was sitting at my desk following the Pirates-Brewers game on MLB.com Gameday. This is no way to follow baseball, but when you're bored out of your gord at work you do what you can to get your daily baseball fix in. The Bucs and Beer Makers played a low scoring pitchers duel that saw Uekers boys take a 2-1 lead into the bottom of the 9th where they called upon Derrick "Roids" Turnbow to seal the deal. I sat in intense anticipation as the Pirates got a couple guys on base in a last at-bat attempt to complete the four game sweep. With a runner on 3rd and Jose Castillo up at the plate Gameday appeared to freeze for a few minutes (as it turns out the umps reversed a homerun call...making it a game tying double instead of a game winning homerun)... when finally I saw the result of the play.....a tie game..I let out a simple "woo" to show my approval. Moments later Ryan Doumit came up and ripped a game winning single down into the right field corner which instantly made me slap my desk and scream out:

"FUCK YEAH BABY! DERRICK TURNBOW IN YOUR MOMS PANTS!" At which point I began to bang on the walls of my cube and pump my fists into the air in intense celebration.

Your bad.

Over the weekend of May 20th I made the two and a half hour trek from Pittsburgh to Cleveland to see my Battlin' Buccos take on the Indians at the Mistake by the Lake. I have family that lives up in that area so it was rather simple to score tickets to Saturdays game...it was the first time I had actually ever been into Cleveland and I've gotta say....it's every bit the dump I heard it was. Jacobs Field is a nice yard but it's no PNC Park, and to say the fans are a real "wine and cheese crowd" would be the understatement of the century. This place was dead from start to finish. No atmosphere. No excitment. No pizzaz. Nothing. Silence. Luckily however I was not the only Pittsburgh native to make the journey up north to the land of burning rivers. If I had to make a rough guesstimate I would say about six to seven thousand Pirate fans in Jacobs Field on this night, you could not swing a dead cat without hitting someone wearing a Pirates jersey. It made the night quite fun, especially since the Pirates won in front of a very vocal Pittsburgh contingent.

Nate Mclouth opened the game by working the count full on Jason Johnson before taking a 3-2 fastball and crushing it deep into the right center field bleachers.

In the 3rd Inning the Pirates got two monster homeruns (one from Jason Bay, who in case you have not heard, is the greatest baseball player in the game today..and the other from Jose Castillo) to make it a 7-2 Pittsburgh lead. I yelled down to my Uncle who was sitting a row in front of me (he got me the tickets) and said, "Man, this is just like football season, the game has barely started and Pittsburgh already has seven on Cleveland." I laughed. He didn't.

In the top of the 9th Jason Bay (best player in the game today) hit his 2nd homerun of the game, an opposite field blast to deep right field which put the Bucs up 9-6...moments later there appeared to be a ruckus down the left field line...people yelling, crowds gathering, cops running in from all directions...the concourses, the aisles, the field....it was a fight. This Pittsburgh-Cleveland thing carries over to baseball too. It turns out a Cleveland fan threw a beer at a Pirates fan (one of these days those numbnuts in Cleveland are going to realize Beer is to valuable to throw) because he took offense to the Pirates fans ransacking and pillaging his home. The problem with this (aside from the fact he wasted his beer) was the Pirates fan turned out to be a very angry 6'4 200 pound black man. Needless to say he turned around and punched him in the face. Pittsburgh 10. Cleveland 6.

Thats all I got for now. And until next time:

I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Hiatus Over




"After changes upon changes we are more or less the same."
- Paul Simon


I had to come back. You can only go on some many nature hikes before you realize that nature is boring and sucks. Hey, you know what else is boring and sucks? The A's.

But I'm a masochist. And the best way to feed that addiction is to watch the A's. I attended a barbeque yesterday, and while the game was on in the background, I rarely paid attention to it. I did go inside once to see that the A's had the bases loaded and nobody out. I started to get excited, and then I realized that it was the A's. Oh, and Jason Kendall was up. You guys will be shocked to know that Kendall didn't get the run home. I know, seriously. Weird, huh? Kendall failing? That never happens. Oh, and the A's didn't score that inning. Double weird. But I loved it. Like I said, I'm a masochist.

And as a masochist, what better time to return to the team than right before they embark on a road trip to Cleveland and New York, two of the 13 American League cities where we seem to turn into a gigantic, blood-soaked, puss-covered, wart-infested vaginas. We can't beat these two teams in their stadiums under any circumstances. I'm really looking forward to going 1-5 on this road trip. Did I mention that I was a masochist?

Oh, and it gets better. Check out the ERA's and the walk-rates of the next 4 pitchers we'll be facing.

Westbrook: 5.00/2.50
Byrd: 5.43/2.36
Johnson: 5.92/2.73
Small: 9.67/4.02

HA! Four absolutely atrocious ERA's, and three very good walk rates. Guys who pound the strike zone with mediocre stuff. Jeez, can we just forfeit now? It's not like we have anything even close to a chance. And while Small is definitely walking too many guys, his ERA dictates that every team who faces him should beat him like a woman who mouths off. "I said get me my beer, bitch! Do you WANT to taste the backside of my hand again?" I mean this guy is so bad that he's allowing MORE than one run per inning. He doesn't belong anywhere near the major leagues. Thus, Small will be throwing a gem on Friday. His will be the 4th consecutive gem thrown by a gascan, and the A's will lose all four games. Get used to it. It's been the same damn story since 2002. We don't have a chance.

Also, have you forgotten who is our manager? Yeah, we seriously don't have a chance.

Oh, and the Tijuana Turd will be starting Thursday's game in Cleveland. Wanna know how he did in his rehab start yesterday? 3 IP, 6 H, 1 BB, 3 ER, 0 K. Oh, and he blamed the umpire, too. Like a true champion. We don't have a chance in hell.

But that's why I'm coming back. Like I said, I'm a masochist.

Go A's.