Saturday, December 31, 2005

Ken "Joe Morgan" Macha

I recently came across an interview Ken Macha gave at the winter meetings. Naturally, most of what he said was idiotic or non-sensical; this is Macha after all. And since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I would like to make some flattery towards one of my favorite blogs out there, and pretty much completely rip off their style. Original thought is soooooooo last year.

So, from this Macha interview, I intend to do just that.

Q. How much have you thought about the pitching staff next year, knowing there could be significant changes? Is it too early to even toying with stuff like that?

KEN MACHA: One of the positive things I've thought about is right now we've got 11 quality Major League pitchers. You've written about seven starters that we have, and then you've got Calero and Witasick under contract. Going into the season last year, we were not sure at all what we had. We had some young and some good arms so now we've got 11 guys that have proven they can go out and pitch and pitch well. So that's my thought right now.

I think a lot has been made of having too many starters. I don't think that's a difficult problem. That's a nice problem to have. Joe Kennedy pitched very well out of the bullpen. I'm not saying that's where he's ticketed to go just yet.

Part of our turnaround in the second half, particularly right after the All-Star Break was due to what he had done, pitching in the bullpen. So when you've got 11 good pitchers, that's something positive to look at.

This is a pretty good way to start the interview. Ken was asked two questions, and somehow didn't answer either one of them. What he did think about, however, was that having 11 good pitchers is a good thing. I guess I'd agree with him on that, but it didn't really answer the question as asked. This is going to be a common theme throughout the interview, so brace yourselves for that. And Joe Kennedy's addition to the bullpen had nothing to do with the turnaround. The turnaround began on May 30; Kennedy arrived on July 11th. But he was close. Close to only being mostly retarded, instead of completely.

Q. Is there a need for a guy with big game, more of a veteran, experienced guy in that staff?

KEN MACHA: We don't have a guy that's a big name veteran guy?

Saucy, sarcastic Ken. He's talking about Barry Zito here. Ken, you adorable little ragamuffin. You are so deliciously evil.

Q. Do you feel this is an important year just in terms of showing that he can stay healthy for six months and make 30-plus starts and pitch 200-plus innings?

KEN MACHA: Well, I don't know if you would say it was important. I mean, he's under contract for how many more years. I think probably important for himself and his psyche to be able to go out there, 30-plus starts, give us 200 innings and win some ballgames for us. So I know that not having him in May and then again August and September has really hurt our club, not having him for the whole year would be important for me and important for the A's.

Allow me to repeat what Ken said here. "Not having [Harden] for the whole year would be important for me and important for the A's."

Important, professor? Not having one of the best pitchers in baseball for the whole year would be "important," for both you and the A's? This is our manager, A's fans. Ken Macha, the broken thesauras.

Q. Would you be surprised if Barry is not back with you guys next year?

KEN MACHA: Let me put it this way: I want Barry back. I hope he's back. I think he made a nice jump in his overall game last year, and a nice jump in the leadership qualities that he has in a pitching staff. With all of those young guys behind him, he led by example, he was our lead guy, the No. 1 guy going out there. And when you're that guy, you're pitching against the other team's best people, too. So overall, I think 13, that's still a pretty good year. Who knows, there might be improvement from there.

Once again Ken fails to answer the question. But he did go on another 8 sentence tangent covering everything from Zito's win total (which, naturally, he got wrong) to who he was pitching against. You'd think a guy who excels in the monosyllabic would be able to answer a question that only requires a one syllable answer, but I guess not.

Q. Any help from your Minor League system that you feel will be a surprise in Spring Training?

KEN MACHA: Well, Andre Ethier had a great year in AA and was promoted to AAA. We saw him in Spring Training a little bit. For the most part, all of your young guys were there last year, so we're looking for, I don't know, if you look around at Ellis, relatively short amount of playing time, two years, I believe, Crosby two years now, Swisher in his second year and Dan Johnson, and then the pitching staff are real young there. So we've got a lot of young guys there. We're hoping they can continue their progress.

Ken was asked about minor leaguers who might be a surprise in spring training, and reeled off the names of Mark Ellis, Bobby Crosby, Nick Swisher, and Dan Johnson. Minor leaguers all of them. He came so dangerously close to giving a thoughtful, cogent answer when he was briefly talking about Andre Ethier (the interview was given when Ethier was still on the team), but thinking linearly must have given Ken headaches, so he decided to go off on another wild tangent.

Q. Given the fact that three of your pitchers are still in the development stage of their big league careers and Barry, they have all given Barry a lot of credit for helping them through last year, how much is that a part of your desire to have Barry back?

KEN MACHA: I think the cohesiveness of the staff is very important. I know I'm sitting on the bench and when these guys are out pitching, I'm always counting making sure all the of the guys not pitching that day are on the bench. The togetherness of the team and the way those guys helped each other out was tremendous. I'm hoping very much that we can keep Barry.

Didn't actually answer the question here, either. He did say that he wanted Barry back in the interests of cohesiveness, but I suppose a brief statement on how the return of Zito would help Harden, Blanton, and Haren continue to develop would be too much to ask. Kind of like how a decent lineup is too much to ask.

Q. Do you think it will happen?

KEN MACHA: Do I think it will happen? We want to keep him. What are the odds? If it was up to me, 95 percent he's coming back it.

I just look at Dan Haren and I think we're going to try to encourage him to use his changeup a little more this year. He's got great stuff, the other pitches that he throws, he has a tendency to get his pitch counts up a little bit. The way Barry uses his changeup, just Dan watching the way Barry uses his changeup would be helpful for Dan.

If we can get him to get his pitch count down a little more and a little further into the game, I think some of the times as I can remember he had some games where 115, 120 pitches. And then the next game, it kind of took a toll. He's not going to admit that but he got nicked around a little bit in the next game. If we can get him to stay in a little bit over 100 to 110 and still get out of the game I think it would be helpful overall.

If we can get another right-handed bat that's a power threat in the lineup, that would be very good. Chavez, Dan Johnson, Swisher is a little better from the left-hand side, get those right-handed bats, spread everything out would be a big help.

If it were up to you, 95% he's coming back? What the hell does that even mean? He's asking your opinion here. Do you think Zito is coming back, he wanted to know. If you had said that you were 95% sure that Zito would be returning, that would have answered the question. Naturally, you failed. And that three paragraph tangent on Dan Haren's changeup, pitch counts (not even sure if you're talking about Zito or Haren here) and the need for a right handed hitter that has less than nothing to do with anything is merely icing on the retard cake. This is probably my favorite answer Ken gave, just because it's so god damn stupid. Just like Ken. I doubt that even Military codebreakers could decipher this nonsense, so I'm not even going to bother.

Q. Are you still leaning towards Jason leading off?

KEN MACHA: Not necessarily. I think Ellis. I'm thinking Ellis has earned the right to go hit lead off. So where that puts everybody else in the lineup, we'll have to see.

YES!!! Not only did Ken give a clear, concise answer to the question, but it also makes sense from a baseball standpoint. My world was just turned topsy-turvy, and I'm not sure what to think anymore. This reminds me of the way my head was spinning moments after I got my first blowjob at 17, right before I took a nap. When I woke up, I believe I drank a Snapple. Mango Madness has always been my flavor of choice.

Q. What are the chances of Nick getting more time at first base?

KEN MACHA: That will depend on what we do, if we're getting another bat. I think it's going to be important to have four bench players, four guys that are able to go in there and not sit like we did with Adam last year, he was sitting the whole season. If we can get people a little more involved, maybe we can get more production.

So see if we get a Frank Thomas, then you're looking at a number of positions where Payton, Kotsay, Swisher, Johnson, Frank Thomas, you've got five guys for six spots and you should be able to make sure everybody gets a whole lot of playing time. It's not like you have six players for three spots, and still give everybody some rest. Like Kotsay, he had gotten his rest, as compared to giving him a day off and maybe not losing him for four or five, seven days.

Once again, this interview was before the Bradley trade, so Ken's first sentence actually does make sense. What doesn't make sense, however, are the two paragraphs following that. First of all, between the outfield, DH, and 1B, there are only 5 spots, not 6. And whose fault do you think it was that Melhuse was sitting all season? You had the worst catcher and worst DH in baseball, and yet you still found a way to get Melhuse less AB's than Keith Ginter, you fucking moron. And that last sentence about Kotsay might as well be in another language.

Q. When did he have surgery? Did he not have surgery?

KEN MACHA: You're asking the wrong guy. He said he didn't want to have it from what I understand. Can't make the guy have it. They think it's manageable. After all, he only missed -- what did he miss last year? Two, three, maybe three games. That's really a lot to ask out of a guy.

Asking you anything is asking the wrong guy, but I do find it funny that somwhere in that 7 sentence rant about nothing is the fact that Chavez and the team doctors decided against surgery. Do we give you half credit because the correct answer was in your answer, or do we attribute it to the "million monkeys working on a million typewriters" syndrome? Yeah, I'm going to have to go with the latter.

Q. Is he a guy who is really a better player with protection with a hot-hitting Crosby or a healthy Frank Thomas?

KEN MACHA: 2004, his discipline at the plate was terrific. He led the league in walks, I believe.

This year, got a little bit away from that. Be it protection or whatever, he's trying to do too much. He's trying to do too much, then you're having somebody behind him would probably help him out.

He said that he played 160 games, he went out there every game. One of the things I admire about Eric is just watching him from afar, he enjoyed going out there. He had fun when he went out there and played, his intensity level was always high, and he's got a great desire to win. So he's got a lot of positive things going for him. I mean, you can always look at certain parts of his game and pull it apart and be negative about it but you could probably do that with every player. For me, he had a good year.

Yet another question Ken doesn't answer. We're all glad that Eric has fun and has a great desire to win, but the question was whether or not he would benefit from some more protection in the lineup. Even studies done by scholars have been unable to conclude whether protection is a quantifiable commodity, so I certainly don't expect a half-wit like Ken to give a definitive answer on the subject, but talking about Chavez' walks and his intensity level is just precious. Preciously retarded.

Q. What is it about Gerald Perry that made you go with him?

KEN MACHA: Well, working with Gerald, I enjoyed the year that Gerald was there with me. He has great rapport with the players, solid citizen, excellent teacher. He was with the Mariners when they won 116 games, so he knows what he's doing. He's worked with veteran guys.

One of the interesting things that I really liked about him is when he was a player with Atlanta, Willie Stargell was one of the coaches, and Willy would talk to him a lot about situations and how the pitcher is going to pitch him, what to look for and how situations differ. Hopefully Gerald will be able to bring that home.

Well, if you think Perry is a solid citizen and an excellent teacher, those would be two very good reasons to hire the guy as a hitting coach. But giving him credit for the Mariners 116 win season is just stupid, just like it would be stupid to blame him for the Pirates sucking offensively the last couple of years. Ken obviously doesn't have the best understanding of cause and effect, but what do you expect from the guy who says that not having Harden for the whole year is "important?"

Personally, I hope Perry punches Macha in the face the same way he cold-cocked Dave Duncan, and I would have hired the guy based solely on that, if it were up to me. I'm hoping for similar results from a Milton Bradley blowup.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

'Tis the Season

Dear A's fans,

Today it was made official that next year, the A's will be closing the third deck of the coliseum. A tarp will be placed over the seats on which advertisements from various businesses will be placed. Well, we at FireMacha would like to advertise our own little site on the seats, and Roman has created a vision of what that would look like.

Unfortunately, advertising isn't cheap, so we need your help. If you can donate any amount to the cause, please do so. Go ahead and sign the petition with your name, the amount you would be willing to donate, and any other message you would like to convey. Every little bit helps. There is no donation too small.

So this holiday season, instead of giving to charities, or spending your hard earned money on your friends and loved ones (or family, a group that encompasses neither friend nor loved one), give your money to something that really, truly matters; getting rid of Ken Macha.

Thank you.


Macha Ride

Just hear those brain cells sputtering putt putt puttering too
Come on, it's shitty weather will you ever make a good move?
Outside the fans are crying our season is dying too
Why oh why did you pinch hit for Dye with Melhuse?

Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ kill me
Why can't he see
How fucking stupid can one be
Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ fuck you
And your parents too
For bringing you into the world I'm about to hurl you stooge

We've learned our lesson from the ass-raping sessions oh well
You'll always do what's stupid you putrid spawn from hell
We fans start to tremble cuz your brain resembles a slough
It's not the be all and end all to bat Jason Kendall leadoff

Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ kill me
Why can't he see
How fucking stupid can one be
Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ fuck you
And your parents too
For bringing you into the world I'm about to hurl you stooge

List'ning to your interviews makes me want to spew turds
My world crumbles as you stumble and mumble your words
What did we ever do to deserve a fuck like you, Ken?
Ev'ry September you engender our pitiful chokejobs again

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Jews Hate Macha, too

Roman and I like to consider this a secular blog. We don't divide the world into black or white, or Christian and non-Christian. As far as we're concerned, there exist only two religions on this planet: Those who hate Macha, and idiots. We don't believe in God, only the anti-Christ. Why did Constantinople get the works? Because Christians are pussies, that's why. And I mean, geez..if Macha's brain isn't the perfect metaphor for spending 40 years wandering the desert, I don't know what is. So if you're a Jew who also happens to hate Macha, then pull up a chair, grab a latke, boil that meat, and enjoy the show. This one's for you.

The Macha Song

Macha's little brain
Is made out of shit
He can never use it
Cuz he's a damn half wit

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Days after being fired
He's begging on his knees
Not only is he stupid
He has no dignity

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Billy got my job back
Apparently he's blind
As long as I'm the skipper
2nd place are we confined

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Kendall's batting leadoff
I'll have another beer
I get awfully thirsty
Making one lineup per year

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Kennedy in Texas
Zito in Cleveland
Ken will leave them in too long
Cuz he's asleep again

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Next to me Prince Valium
Is an insomniac
I'm a fucking moron
This is scientific fact

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Our past if filled with what-ifs
Like what if Ken were smart
And were capable of more than just
A watery brain fart

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

The moral of the story
Is that we are fucked with Ken
As long as he's the skipper
We'll never win again

Sunday, December 18, 2005

Macha Bells

Treading through April
Sucking ass in May
We keep losing games
Cuz Macha's fucking gay
Street starts closing wins
Chavy hits in June
Helps to cover up the fact that
Ken's a looney toon.

Oh, Macha bells, Macha bells
Kill yourself today
What fun it is to watch you fuck up
Yet another game
Macha bells, Macha bells
You penis licking fuck
The last three years were proof enough
You really fucking suck.

What will next year hold
We can't win with Ken
For he's about as smart as
A junkie in a crack den
He will cost us wins
I'll tell you that right now
Cuz he's as dumb as sin
As stupid as a cow
In the year two-thousand six
It will be revealed
That again we get to watch the Angels
Party on our field

Oh, Macha bells, Macha bells
Kill yourself today
What fun it is to watch you fuck up
Yet another game
Macha bells, Macha bells
You penis licking fuck
The last three years were proof enough
You really fucking suck.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Christmas Wish List

Santa reads my comments. So if there's anything you really want for Christmas, feel free to add it.

Friday, December 16, 2005

The Ken Macha Holiday Song Fest

Dear Oakland fans,
This holiday season, I will be telling the story of Ken Macha in song song form. The story will not necessarily be chronological, as I am often hampered by the constraints of the song itself (and sometimes have to take a liberty with song length), and my genius is more of a free-flowing variety. I'm also ridiculously attractive, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you the first installment of the Ken Macha Holiday Song Fest.....

Macha the Red-Nosed Asshole

Macha the Red-Nosed Asshole
Had a fully worthless brain
He never learns from his gaffes
He always makes mistakes again
(and again and again and again)

All of the other skippers
Still they laugh and call him names
They know when they're playing Oakland
They don't have to use their brains

Macha will manage for them
Grady and the Sox say "hi"
Things were looking bleak for Boston
Then the asshole pinch hit for Dye

The dumbest decision ever
It couldn't have been any more wrong
When you left the entire season
Up to Terrence "Fuck me in the Goat-ass" Long
(you stupid fucking moron)

Then one October afternoon
We thought your ass was gone
When you thought your contract writ
Was worth more than a piece of shit

Then all the fans were happy
No longer are we cursed with Ken
Next year, with another skipper
We can finally win again

to be continued...........

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

A Milton Bradley Game

By now, everyone knows that Billy Beane was for bat at the recent Winter Meetings. And while he made public that he was willing to take a on the oft-injured and aging Big Hurt, I was hoping he'd take an even bigger and trade for a guy known more for his past , than for his sweet-swing and defensive prowess.
After the Macha debacle, I just wanted Billy to . I wasn't asking for Giles or Konerko. I didn't want Billy to give up Zito for Thome or Howard. I just wanted him to add a cheap, but effective, bat that could give some protection to everyone's favorite Gold Glove. He wouldn't have to give up much or even add a lot of payroll, he just had to take that big .
And wouldn't you know it, Billy pulled the trigger. Yesterday, he traded for the and I couldn't be happier. I'm more giddy than a .

Now I can only hope and pray that Ken Macha is the target of Uncle Milty's next . And maybe if we're REALLY lucky, Jason Kendall will get caught in the . I wouldn't blame Milton if he went off on Macha. All he'd have to do is say and that'd be good enough for me.

So, welcome aboard, Milton. I can't wait until you're all healed from your latest and back on the field...strangling Ken Macha.