Ken Macha is a Moron & I Hate Him

Poor Brewer Fans

2008-10-31T16:54:00.002-06:00

Eventually, you all will need this.

Peace out, Asshole

2006-10-17T00:05:00.000-06:00

Macha Gone?

2006-10-16T12:36:00.000-06:00

Note: This guest post was written by A's fan and Macha hater Mike:

Well, it might be happening again. We might be rid of Macha's sorry ass again.

We did it last year, but only for a week. It was the best week ever.

Let me just say, from the bottom of my heart: Leave. Please. Today.

Quit. Get the fuck out. We hate you and we want you gone. You took Ron Washington's job last year after you were axed and then bitched and moaned and sucked Uncle Lew's nuts until they brought you back. The fucking PIRATES didn't even want you, you asshole. What did you do then? Definitely not get out of baseball, as you should have. No, you decide to crawl back here and fuck up another postseason for us.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I don't completely blame Cacha for the trouncing we got from Detroit. I mean, who the fuck would think that a) Rogers would become Godlike in the playoffs all of a sudden, b) Everybody but Bradley would suck ass offensively, c) Chavez would not only suck ass at the plate, but in the field, and d) Jimenez would prove to be the worst player ever (okay, so we all did think that last one).

Whatever. There is still NO FUCKING EXCUSE for the way that you fucked up in Games 1 and 2. Not exactly one to get fired up and set the tone early, are you Kenny boy? As usual, you left in the starters just long enough to give up enough runs to lose. What the fuck were you thinking after Loaiza had given up 4 runs. Here, let me guess for you:

"Well, you know-uh, he hasn't-uh given up 6 yet, and he's not-uh in line for the W. I gotta-uh give him every chance to-uh get the W."

NO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE YOU DO NOT NEED TO DO THAT. You need to give the TEAM the chance to W. That does not mean that you leave the Tijuana Turd in the game for 2 more fucking innings so he can give up the deciding runs to Alexis fucking Gomez.

Oh well, it's in the past. You've cost us another postseason, though not as blatant as your spectacular failures in the past.

Now it's time for you to really get the fuck out. Let Bob Geren take over, or Washington, it really doesn't matter. All we ask is that we get somebody capable of actually making a timely fucking pitching change. Somebody that thinks Bobby Kielty's .965 OPS against lefties is worthy to get a goddamn start in a playoff game against (gasp) a left handed pitcher. Somebody that says to themself, "Hey Fucktard (that's you), D'Angelo Jimenez is quite possibly the worst player in organized baseball. If the plan is to replace Ellis with defense, maybe we can go ahead and try Kiger out since Jimenez can neither field a ball or throw one 90 feet as required when turning a double play."

Hell, somebody that doesn't make players on the team go straight to Billy and tell him that if you're not gone, they don't want to come back next year. Dude, even Adam "One Plate Appearance Every Three Weeks -- Maybe" Melhuse hates you:

"For the last two years, our relationship has deteriorated to nothing. He didn't even speak to me for well over the last month. For me, as a backup, all I want is communication. Every other coach, I get along with great, but with Macha, it is not an exaggeration to say he doesn't speak to me -- not 'Hi,' not anything. "It's tough to go to work every day knowing you're working for someone who doesn't think much of you as a player and on top of that, doesn't even acknowledge you." Wow. So, lets get this straight. You won't even fucking talk to the backup catcher, and yet you won't sit Kendall because he might get upset. Antonio Perez didn't even get 100 ABs this season. Granted, he hit like shit, but what can you expect from a guy who only plays every 2 weeks at most? So basically, with those 2, and Scott Sauerbeck, the A's played with a 22 man roster this season. Because you don't use guys you don't like. God I hate you. Seriously, we need a person that's actually going to not be a fucking total moron in the dugout.
That person is not you, asshole. Please just go away. This team could do nothing else in the offseason and win at least five more games next year just because you're not asleep in the goddamn dugout.

Blast. You Beat Me Again

2006-09-23T19:01:00.000-06:00

A's fans, rejoice! Rejoice to the heavens because You're headed to the playoffs again and playing meaningful ball games late into September... only to have your dreams and hopes crushed in October by Ken Macha, some completely flukish play that will be overated until the sun expands to an alarmingly large size and consumes us all or by the ghost of Jim Leyritz.

Me? I'm headed for my 14th straight losing season of Pirates baseball. It's not a good thing. But atleast we have the Steelers. Which is a good thing.

You might be wondering where i've been lately? Or maybe you don't care. Or maybe you're trying to figure out who the bloody hell I am. I've been doing a few things here and there. Perhaps you should check out my blog. Who cares if you're not a Pittsburgh sports fan? As grandpa Simpson said about the Super Bowl in 1970, "If people don't support this thing it won't last."

Support your friends.

I also took a trip. I took a trip to Chicago to see the Pirates and Cubs play at Wrigley Field. My cousin lives out in the middle of nowhere in that god forsaken rock that is Illinois... thats about a 2 hour drive from Chicago by the way...

So we left my cousins house at about 9 in the morning on a Saturday and drove up to his sisters house where we would meet his brother in law and a buddy of his to head into downtown Chicago. Did you follow that? Good. His sister lives about 100 feet from Midway Airport which was really bizarre. As we're pulling up to the house my cousin looks at me and goes "whatever happens in Chicago stays in Chicago."

I looked at him with a confused grin and said "I thought that was Vegas?"

"Did I tell you that my brother-in-law is a dead head?"

He sort of left that part out.

So I walk into the house and I instantly pick up a scent that I hadnt realized since my college days...I was starting to see where he was coming from. In the corner of the living room I saw a guy that looked like he should be playing for Phish strumming an accoustic guitar singing some sort of folk song...or something like that. Either way I felt like whipping out a hacky sack and throwing it down right there.

They were both (My cousins brother-in-law and his buddy) dressed head to toe in Chicago White Sox gear which was sure to make the day interesting when you combine them with me and my Pittsburgh Pirates gear. We did a shot of tequila in the kitchen (Which I tried to convince the hipster guy strumming the guitar that "Tequila in the kitchen" would be a great song title) and headed for the El Train. We walked over to Midway airport, ran through the bus terminal and hopped on the El train which was actually a pretty cool ride. After a 15 minute train ride on the EL and nice guided tour of the city we transferred over to the redline which is where things started to get fun. As I was sitting in my seat some drunk guy (Cubs fan) sat down next to me and looked at my Pittsburgh gear....

"You from Pittsburgh?" he asked...

"Yes"

"So I assume that you're a Steelers Fan?"

"Hell yes. Season ticket holder"

"Thats cool, I don't mind the Steelers. Just so you're not a Packers fan. I hate those fuckers."

I told him that I thought Brett Favre was a teenage drama queen that needed a good Brian Urlacher shoe up his ass.... he shook my hand, got up and left. I'm not sure where he went, but I had the entire seat to myself so I didn't really care.

Finally, we arrived at the stop directly in front of Wrigley Field. I went to stand up when Scott (My cousins brother-in- law) said "no...next stop."

Huh? But it's right there.

I figured he's the expert, so lets go...

We rode down another block-block and a half and got off the train...Scott looks at me and goes, "Now we drink."

Sounded like a plan. The first spot we hit was this little hole in the wall dive bar that Scott kept referring to on the train as "The Old Mans Bar." Fitting name...as soon as we walked in I felt scared. There was a bar...a few tables...and 6 old guys sitting at the corner of the bar with no fewer than 8 pitchers of bar watching a Phillies-Mets game and screaming at each other about everything. Why Jimmy Rollins sucks. Why Baseball was better in the 50's. Why the country is going to hell in a hand basket. And why there was a "God damned Pirates fan in Cubs country."

But hey, Dollar and a quarter drafts. It was worth it.

3 Beers later we continued our trek down to a much larger and obviously much more popular place called "Murphy's." It was one of the places with bleachers on the roof. The place was packed and beer was plentiful. They had Stella on tap and a cheese steak sandwich that would make you orgasm right there in your pants. I was feeling fired up. And a little pleased and relieved...and slightly aroused.

We had 15 minutes until game time and I was already hammered. The day was off to a great start.

We stumbled across the street to the ballpark and walked up to our seats just as the National Anthem was being sung. We were sitting way down the right field line well up under the roof. There was maybe one row of seats behind us on the bottom level and I for one felt like I was sitting in a soccer stadium in Warsaw because everywhere I looked there was a damn pole in front of me.

Thats okay though, I was more there to soak up the experience of Wrigley Field... and to do this right I realized I would soon have to start consuming alcohol at a much faster pace as 99.9% of the people in there were already far more loaded than I was. The thing that disappointed me the most about Wrigley Field was the absolutely abysmal selection of Beer. In Pittsburgh at PNC Park we have no fewer than 25-30 Beers to choose from, and that is no joke. Local brews, national brews, imports...you want it, chances are it's there. In Wrigley, they had Bud products (Budweiser and Bud Light) which are nothing more than glorified urine, and this stuff that they called "Old Style" which is what you would get if you took the urine they used to make Bud Products and added 3 more gallons of urine to it. It was horrible. But somehow the Chicago folks loved it. It came served in a paper cup that was not strong enough to keep the beer flavored urine from leaking through the bottom. Almost like it was acid just melting through the cup.

Scott and his buddy spent the afternoon harrasing Cubs fans about how great the White Sox are and I spent the afternoon cheering wildly for anything that resembled a positive play for the Pirates. This could have been a hit, a simple out, a strike, a batter being introduced. Etc. Etc. Etc.

The Pirates lost 7-5 and people began to harrass me about how the Pirates sucked and I told them that they didn't have to tell me, instead, they should be trying to explain to me how they managed to spend 95 million dollars on a collection of stiffs led by the biggest stiff in baseball (Dusty Baker) that was currently below the Pirates in the standings, and would finish the season behind the Pirates.

The responses I recieved varied from "GO CUBBIES!!!!!!!!!!!!" to "Go back to Ohio." Whatever the hell that means.

After the game we went back to Murphy's, drank some more Stella, ate another cheese steak and hopped back on the trains for the ride back to Scotts house. By the time we got back to his house we were ready to pass out on the floor only to "tough it out" and order an authentic Chicago Style pizza and watch the Blues Brothers... after which, Scott lit up something and put on a bootlegged Phish concert. I fell asleep. The next night we drove back to my cousins house in the Normal-Bloomington area (which is about two blocks off the campus of Illinois State University) and noticed a naked fat college dude running down the sidewalk who was just behind a naked fat college coed. It was....flabby. And....disgusting.

Would I do it again? Yes. Yes I would. In fact, i'm planning on doing it again next summer, only I want to tie in a trip to the south side of Chicago and see a White Sox game, which I've heard, is a dangerous part of town. Should be fun.

- I'm pulling for the A's in the playoffs, as I usually do when they make it. I just hope they can overcome the American League version of Jim Tracy and the unheard of clutchness that is Derek Jeter. You know he's going to do something completely routine in the series against the A's (assuming you play)...a play that 99.9% of the shortstops in Major League Baseball would make and Bob Costas will weep on the air at the greatness of the play. He will give an emotional speech on the beauty of baseball and sacred art form that is Derek Jeter...and the nation will poke their eyes out with a fork.

And Joe Buck will pleasure himself at the thought of his own voice.

But i'll be pulling for you.

Because I love.

The crushing sound of inevitability

2006-09-13T00:06:00.000-06:00

I bet most of you are wondering why this blog has gone almost two full months without a real post. Since Macha cost us the win on July 17th, I estimate that he's probably cost us about 3-4 games since then, not to mention all the idiotic moves he's made that just didn't happen to be fatal, so there's been ample opportunity to wax poetic or just swear like a fucking sailor about how detrimental that idiot is to our team.

And there's no good answer to that. I could give you some bullshit about how Roman has undergone a pretty big ~~life~~ sex change recently or that I've been busy moving and getting ready to go to even more school (like I need to get any smarter), but we all know that would be bullshit. I guess the best I can come up with is that I don't really care. The A's are in the process of committing the single biggest September collapse in the history of baseball, and I just don't care. I've written over and over again how this season would play out: start out slow, hot in the middle, choke in September. Go ahead, check the records. I don't feel like digging them up, but they're there. So this isn't surprising.

But I just don't care. I don't care that Macha decided to leave Kennedy in to face one of the best hitters in baseball when he clearly didn't have much (in his second inning of work) when first base was open and he could have brought in one of the best relievers in baseball to face a hitter who is much less of a threat, particularly against right handed pitchers. There is no possible rational argument you can construct to defend this move. Macha had yet another of his deer in the headlights moments, and instead of realizing that Kennedy was getting raped like an African Tutsi, left him in so Morneau could jam his baseball bat so far up his rectal cavity that the other end was sticking out of Greenland. I mean, why bring in your 8th inning setup guy in the 8th inning? That would be fucking batshit insanity.. The easiest solution is to just let your lefty go two innings, especially since that would likely make him unavailable for the next afternoon's day game, and watch helplessly once again as your team fritters away a huge lead.

But I don't care. I don't care that the A's are choking like a porn star with a gag reflex. It happens every September under Macha, and this year will be no different. Actually, it'll be a little different. You see, the last two September's, the A's didn't have a lead of more than 6.5 games when they had their ribs surgically removed so they could choke on their own dicks. That number is important because no team with a lead of 6.5 games in September has ever not made the playoffs, until this year of course, when the A's 8.5 game lead will be blown away faster than an overbooked Thai masseuse. So this year's choke will not only be unprecedented, it will be historic. Congrats, Ken. Nobody in baseball history has ever asphyxiated on their own mushroom tip like you. You should be proud.

But I don't care, and neither should you. As you listen to the A's cough and gag and vomit away their season, just realize that no amount of Robitussin could possibly cure them (unless you can drink enough Robitussin so that it's fatal, in which case I would recommend killing Macha with a hammer or something. Actually, do that anyway), so just accept it and move on. The A's are not going to make the playoffs this year. And if they do, they will be ousted in the 1st round again by a vastly superior team. And personally, I would rather they lose the division in September. Losing in October gets you national derision. At least September choking isolates the scorn to a more regional level. I say, let's choke on a smaller scale. If you choke to death at Taco Bell, you'd be lucky to get a passing mention in your local paper's obituary. But if you choke and die while raping the Queen of England at an abortion clinic (she was there because you had raped her a couple of weeks earlier, too), there's a good chance that you might make the local news. You see how this works? Man, what a perfect analogy.

So stop caring. It's what I did. The A's will either make the playoffs or they will not make them. I don't give a shit either way.

Because do you hear that? The train of inevitability is sputtering down the tracks. The lights are flashing and the gates are down, and that train ain't stopping until it gets to Chokeville: Population A's.

Yesterday in Quotes

2006-08-01T19:35:00.000-06:00

"We're certainly not going to do a deal just for the sake of doing one."

--Billy Beane

"Getting Frank and Milton was kind of like our trading deadline deal this year, just done ahead of time so we have them all year."

--Eric Chavez

"Lefty Joe Kennedy's impending return from the disabled list will represent an upgrade in the bullpen, righty Rich Harden would provide a big boost if he's able to return at any point this season, and if Milton Bradley stays healthy and produces as he has since returning from a second stint on the DL, the league's worst offense should improve down the stretch."

--Mychael Urban

"We had a lot of conversations, more in the last 24 hours than in previous days. But there was nothing we felt drastically improved our club for the next two months. It's a vote of confidence for what we have here."

--David Forst

"I feel good that we still have Barry. Now, he can get a curtain call another time."

--Ken Macha

"It was almost like we knew nothing was going to happen"

--Nick Swisher

Thanks, BiIly

2006-07-31T17:03:00.000-06:00

The trade deadline has come and gone and Billy Beane didn't do a damn thing. It wasn't that long ago that Billy made "Fucking-A" trades:

Izzy and T-Long, who WAS a decent enough prospect when Billy got him, for Billy Taylor,
Jermaine Dye for a couple of retards,
Ray Durham for that kid with polio,
Rincon for the B-Lot parking attendant.

Then he moved on to trading spare parts for valuable pieces:

Guillen for Harang and "future closer" Joe Valentine,
Dotel for Mark "The Next Giambi" Teahen and Mike Wood,
Payton for Bradford,
Kennedy for Byrnes and Quintanilla.

The past couple of years he's got his work out of the way early, leaving the deadline headaches to those dopes that didn't get the job done early. Or was that just an excuse to justify the deals he couldn't get done at deadline?

So what about this year? Why didn't Billy do a damn thing?

Well, I can already tell you what you're going to read in the papers tomorrow.

"Sure, we had some conversations, but we really feel like we made our moves this off-season. And when we get some key guys back from the DL it's going to be like we made our moves after the deadline."

--Billy Beane, tommorow

Sure.

Piss on my head and tell me it's raining. Again.

Here's what Jason Kendall had to say when he came over from the Pirates:

"Obviously that's all you hear: Big Three, Big Three, Big Three. I'm excited, and it's going to be neat to work with guys of that caliber."

--Jason Kendall, 11/30/2004

Billy Beane sat right next to Jason Kendall when he made those comments. He shook his head in agreement. So here I am, like a fucking fool, believing that Billy's going to make one last run with the Big Three. And as we all know, just two weeks later the Big Three were no more. But we got that Asian sensation, Keiichi Yabu, so all was forgiven.

Billy didn't do anything to make the team better this year. And he didn't do anything to make the team better in the future. Awesome. I'm sure the second half is going to be a blast.

Macha is Baltimore or less retarded

2006-07-17T20:27:00.000-06:00

Emphasis on the "More"

Macha takes the fifth, literally

In the city in which Cal Ripken once called home, Ken Macha continues his own iron man streak of being a completely brain dead ass wart fucknozzle purple nerpal shitdick. It's been a long time coming, but Macha is finally responsible, solely, for another loss this season. For those who are keeping track, tonight makes 5 games that Macha has lost all by his lonesome brain cell. And no, the long hiatus between such occurrences does not mean that Macha is doing a better job of managing this year; it just means that the team is such a collective complete piece of shit that Macha is unable to cost them wins. What is Macha supposed to do when everybody sucks? Yeah, he was always putting out moron lineups and his pitching changes were befuddling, but it was just not possible to lay those losses squarely at the dumb as shit feet of Ken.

That all changed tonight.

In the 7th inning, Kirk Saarloos comes out for his second inning of work after what had been a nice 1-2-3 sixth inning. Now, I wasn't too keen on this move to begin with, because the 7th inning is Calero/Duchscherer territory, reserved for two of the best relievers in the league, not some 5+ ERA scrub with a weak sauce sinker. Of course, one can defend the move because Saarloos had mowed through the 6th inning with alarming ease. Still, I was apprehensive.

First batter: crushes a liner to third. Fortunately, it was right at Chavy. 1 out, but still nobody is warming up in the pen.

Second batter: Solid single. That makes two batters that Saarloos has faced, and two whom he has not fooled. Still, nobody is warming up in the pen.

Third batter: See second batter, making the appropriate contextual adjustments. Still, nobody is warming up in the pen.

Now, at this point, it is clear that Saarloos is done. He's throwing absolute meatballs up there, and has given up three ropes and two singles. Any other manager goes and gets his relief aces at this point, but Macha is no ordinary manager.

Ken was of course still asleep, and allows Saarloos to not only remain in the game to face the middle of Baltimore's lineup, but he STILL doesn't get anybody else up in the pen.

Fourth batter: Grounds into a fielder's choice. Two on, two out, and Mora and Tejada coming to the plate. With Saarloos throwing grapefruits, was there any doubt as to what was about to happen?

No, there wasn't. Both batters singled and two runs come in. Game is effectively over.

And then the kicker: NOW Macha decides it would be a good time to get Calero warm in the pen. 6 batters, 5 hard hit balls, 4 hits, two runs. That's all it takes before Admiral Asshat wakes up and actually does something. After the fatal blows have been delivered.

Speaking of fatal blows, Macha's continual managerial dicksucking is KILLING this team. After taking 3 out of 4 in Boston and looking like they might finally get some momentum and put together a little winning streak, Macha manages to put the kibosh on that. Today was the 5th loss that was solely Macha's fault. Any other manager, and this team of misfits and talentless shitfaces is looking at a 6 game division lead. But not Ken. He's got us into a 4 way dogfight, but all you'll hear from the apologists is that Ken is doing a great job despite everything that's happened to this team with injuries and ineffectiveness.

And though I harp on this ad nauseum, I'll just mention it again. What few games this team does win are not because of Macha, and the injury excuse is no excuse at all.

Wouldn't it be cool if Macha died? Yes, it would.

Thanks for the five losses, asshole.

New A's Blog

2006-07-17T15:49:00.000-06:00

Boston Has AIDS.

Now ain't that the fucking truth.

Go Team

2006-07-12T11:37:00.000-06:00

During my almost three-month hiatus, I've come to realize two things:
1) The 2006 version of the Oakland Athletics are the sorriest sacks of shit in the history of baseball and
2) The internet sucks when I'm not on it.

I've come to hate these assholes. They fucking suck and I hate watching them. They're gutless, heartless, and act like a bunch of fags when they actually win a game. Anyone see the college boy circle jerk that went on during the 17-inning affair versus the Dodgers? Or how about Marco Scutaro dry butt-fucking Frank Thomas after his walk-off against Anaheim? I wonder how much grab ass went on in the clubhouse when Anaheim then proceeded to take the next three games against our "first place" Athletics.

Wait a minute. Anaheim took three of four in the most important series of the year? Jeez, where have I heard that one before? And guess what? Seven of our final 10 games this year are against those very same Angels. It sure is gonna be fun watching the Angels celebrate their Division championship on our field. Again.

I'm starting to hate Billy Beane too. I mean, seriously, do SOMETHING already. The Astros just got Aubrey Huff AND cash for a box of rocks and a bucket of nuttin. But we'll continue to trot Dan Johnson and his .700 OPS out to first base day after day. Aubrey Huff, Julio Lugo, John Smoltz, Andruw Jones, Nick Johnson...they're all available. And Billy's out there getting guys like Steve Karsay and Scott Sauerbeck. Great.

And how about the clusterfuck of nothingness the best GM in the game conjured up this off-season?

Freddie Bynum is out of options, so what does Beane do? He packages him with a very serviceable arm in John Rheinecker for Juan fucking Dominguez. Why Juan Dominguez?

"He pitched against us the other day and struggled with his command, but he pitched against us in September and he was pretty much lights-out."

--Ken Macha, 3/31/2006

Are you fucking shitting me? All I kept reading about was how impressed everyone was with Juan Dominguez's ONE start against us in September. How come no one brought up his OTHER start against us in September. You know, the one just two weeks earlier in which he gave up eight runs in 3.1 innings? And I hate to break it to you, Kenny, but Dominguez just didn't struggle with his command "the other day," he struggled all Spring. His Cactus League ERA when Billy traded for him was 8.44. But shit if he wasn't fantastic that one start in September. The one where he was "lights-out". The one where he struck out a whopping 3 batters in 7.1 innings. The one where he gave up 8 hits in 7.1 innings. The one where he gave up a homerun and two doubles. Lights-out my ass.

Billy Beane traded John Rheinecker for another Juan Cruz. And he traded Juan Cruz for another John Rheinecker. One big fucking circle. Just to get rid of Freddie Bynum. Because he was out of options. And we can't have anyone that's out of options on this club. Except for Antonio Perez. Because he's such a fucking powerhouse.

                        IP     ERA    WHIP
John Rheinecker        52.1   3.96    1.53
Brad Halsey            65.2   3.97    1.55

Juan Cruz              54.2   4.45    1.30
Juan Dominguez (AAA)   87.2   5.85    1.63

                        AB     Avg    OBP   Slg%
Freddie Bynum           73    .260   .289   .425
Antonio Perez           55    .091   .194   .200

Andre Ethier           165    .352   .403   .545
Milton Bradley          94    .213   .327   .351

Aren't trades, like, supposed to make your team better?

And that Esteban Loaiza signing is working out just smashingly too. Kenny Rogers is available, has a lifetime 347-0 record at the Coliseum, is coming off of his best season in about six years, is cheaper than Loaiza, and Billy doesn't go after him? Jesus Christ, man. In what world is Kenny Rogers NOT a better option than Esteban Loaiza?

                         IP     ERA     WHIP
Kenny Rogers           114.2    3.85    1.19
Esteban Loiaza           56.0    6.43    1.66

I guess the Frank Thomas thing has worked out pretty well. But Frank Thomas is a future Hall of Famer. Taking a whirl, and a cheap whirl at that, on one of the best hitters in the history of the game doesn't really take a lot of balls. This isn't Chris Singleton we're talking about. It's The Big Hurt.

Hopefully, Billy will go out and do something near the deadline. He always does. Like last year when we got those superstars Jay Payton and Joe Kennedy. Or the year before when he, uh, reinstated Chris Hammond from the 15-day disabled list and designated Eric Karros for assignment because he had already made his move a month earlier (Dotel).

I'm sure Billy's hard at work. Working the phones. Pounding the pavement. Focusing all his efforts on making this club better.

"It was a lot of business, and a lot of pleasure. Being at a sight like Germany, it was a great opportunity to explore the business end of soccer."

--Billy Beane, 6/29/2006

[slaps forehead]

Thick as a Brick

2006-07-10T15:26:00.000-06:00

Really don't mind if you sit this one out.
My words but a whisper -- your deafness a SHOUT.
I may make you feel but I can't make you think.

Oh boy. Where to begin? I have so many thoughts rolling around in my head, and some of them even qualify as halfway coherent. The A's stumble into the All-star break in a tie for first only by the grace of God. But let's make no mistake about it: The A's are a truly BAD team, and will likely finish the season ten or more games out of first place. This is a truly uninspired bunch, but worse, it's a truly talentless bunch. I do look forward to the first one or two games after the break, when after we relinquish first place (for good), I will no longer be forced to listen to the "But we're still in first place!!" crap that the apologists have been spewing for the last thee weeks. That is literally the most meaningless and rhetorical drivel I've heard in a long time. Yeah, great, so it's technically true. So the fuck what? It was also technically true that Enron's stock was still worth a lot of money. It's not about where it WAS, it was about where it was GOING. As in, straight to the gutter. Kind of like the A's.

At least this season is no longer Macha's fault. Before the year, I thought we had an above average team that he would turn into an average one. But it's clear now that we have a terrible team whom he is turning into a slightly more terrible team. Now mind you, Macha is still part of the problem; just not as big a problem as he was for the last three years. The A's could and should do a lot better with their manager, and if I were given the choice between Macha managing the team or a hobo living under a bridge somewhere in Berkshire, I would choose the hobo without a second's hesitation. However, what is Macha to do? The team sucks. The team is just truly god-awful, and you can see it in their eyes that they've simply given up on the season. Now, Macha still pulls his crap like he did on Thursday, bringing Halsey into the game to face three right handed batters in the 7th inning, when he should have just gone with Calero-Duke-Street to close out the game and not bother with the scrub relievers, but whatever. It's not like this is a playoff team by any stretch of the imagination.

The Poet and the painter casting shadows on the water --
as the sun plays on the infantry returning from the sea.
The do-er and the thinker: no allowance for the other --
as the failing light illuminates the mercenary's creed.

So how can we fix the A's? Well, it's not going to be easy. But one thing is clear is that the team needs an overhaul from the very top to the very bottom. The team hasn't been drafting well, they haven't been signing good players, and even Billy Beane's trades have been less than spectacular lately. Outside of the highway robbery that was the Mark Mulder trade, most of Beane's trades since he got Foulke have been positively Bavasi-an. That's a problem. What do we attribute this to? Luck? A change of fortunes? Neither, says I.

The A's are suffering from what many economists term a "brain drain." Since 2001, this team has lost Grady Fuson, Paul Depodesta, and Rick Peterson. All three were largely credited, along with Billy Beane, as being the reason why such a small market wonderdog could compete with the big boys. However, since they've left, the drafts have been uninspiring (you can only hide behind Huston Street for so long), the free agent signings have been as befuddling as they've been terrible, and our pitchers can't stay healthy for more than 9 minutes at a time. The A's don't go headhunting for other teams front office commodities like they should. Look at Logan White down in Los Angeles and what he's done with their farm system. He's got a price. Find out what it is. You just can't keep promoting from within, because eventually you'll find out that while you might have the best gosh darn mail boy in the city, he's a little overmatched as a COO. So go get yourself a new COO.

This is a problem. This is a big problem. An organization stretches from top to bottom, and if you have incompetence at any level, it's a big hindrance. The bottom line is that the A's with Kubota, Forst, and Young are not the same as the A's of 2000-2003. And worse, if you'll read between the lines of this article that FM reader Justin recently sent me, the A's had to make a choice between Ken Macha and Rick Peterson after 2003. I won't spoil the ending for you, but it's pretty clear that the A's chose wrong. The iocane powder was in the other goblet.

The resurgence of the A's starts with getting a new assistant general manager, director of scouting, and pitching coach. It might also include getting a new general manager. I'm on the fence on that one, a stark contrast from the guy who was practically in tears when Billy briefly left for the Red Sox. But yeah, it might be time for him to go, too. I'll put it this way: If Billy retired tomorrow, I don't think it would really bother me.

The horses stamping -- their warm breath clouding
in the sharp and frosty morning of the day.
And the poet lifts his pen while the soldier sheaths his sword.

You need to have superstars to win. Or, if you can't get superstars, you need superstar performances from good players. The A's are getting neither. Yes, they expected better from the likes of Crosby, Ellis, Kotsay, etc, but nobody was ever predicting silver sluggers from any of them. You need a guy who goes into every season as a silver slugger candidate. The A's haven't had that since 2001, which was not so coincidentally the last time they fielded a good offense. Billy needs to quit wasting money on middling players. It's time to put all of your eggs in one basket, and then just fill out the roster with whatever. Who is the superstar we should or could get? Ya got me. It should have been Vlad in 2004; if he was willing to sign a reasonable contract with a loser franchise like Anaheim with its loser fanbase and Disneyland stadium in the worst city in the country, he would have signed with Oakland. But instead, we get David Justice. Or Erubiel Durazo. Or Scott Hatteberg. Guys whose best case scenario represents only "ok."

If you can't sign or trade for superstars, you need to draft them. And the A's drafts over the last 5 years have been patently average, especially considering the number of picks they've had. And don't give me this bullshit about not having the money to sign these guys. If your whole philosophy involves building your team through the draft, don't complain if the owner isn't willing to give you a million bucks for your 18th round selection. You have a budget that consists of a final bottom line. So don't waste the money on garbage, spend it on the draft. But most of all, don't come crying poor to me when you draft crappy players. Justin Smoak should be in our farm system right now. Can anybody stand in front of the mirror and tell themselves that he wouldn't have signed for what we wasted on Jay Witasick? Or what we wasted on Jay Payton? Efficient allocation of resources is an important part of running a business, and right now it seems like we've got a bunch of fucking monkeys doing that job.

The cattle quietly grazing at the grass down by the river
where the swelling mountain water moves onward to the sea:
the builder of the castles renews the age-old purpose
and contemplates the milking girl whose offer is his need.

Team fitness is a problem. It's been a problem for awhile. Jermaine Dye was pretty much the most useless player in history from 2002-2004. He goes to Chicago, instantly drops about 20 pounds, and becomes the kind of player who would have justified a 33 million dollar contract. You mean to tell me that carrying a bunch of extra weight on a shattered tibia isn't condusive to major league success? Get out of here. Ricardo Rincon was a godsend when he arrived in 2002. Over the last three years, he got fat and out of shape. His velocity decreased, and he could no longer find the strike zone because his stomach kept getting in the way. Scott Hatteberg also looks a lot leaner than he was last year. Yeah, he's playing in the Crapinal League, but his level of fitness has to be serving him well. And then there's Joe Blanton, who is such a fucking disgrace to look at that words actually fail me. And for those that haven't had the pleasure of seeing Blanton at Crogans (his alcoholic ass is there after every home day game), let me assure you that he's even fatter in person. He doesn't belong anywhere near a major league ballfield, and he needs to be running about 5 miles per day so he can avoid tripping over his own stomach.

A pre-game show recently took the viewer inside the A's clubhouse, where it was shown what kinds of snack foods are available to the players. This includes entire freezers full of ice cream, and buckets and buckets of candy. The sodas were in the fridge. What I didn't see (aside from Gatorade) was anything even remotely healthy. No fruits or vegetables. Nothing with antioxidants, or phytochemicals, or vitamins, or minerals, or the kind of substances that provide a player with natural energy for a long season. Just transfatty acid, MSG, and sugar, sugar, and more sugar.

This is a problem. Get rid of the crap in the clubhouse. The A's are a lethargic bunch of assholes because they eat nothing but shit all day. Do you think Justin Gatlin would allow a fucking Klondike bar within 100 miles of his digestive tract? No. The body is a machine, and needs to be treated as such. Put the right stuff in there, and you'll get performance out of it. As I have not seen the food selection in any of the other 29 clubhouses, I cannot comment on what other players feed their teams. But I will say that there is no way it could be LESS healthy than the A's. Your fitness level is directly related to your diet. The A's obviously have a horrible diet, and judging by the number of out of shape players they have, an even worse exercise regimen. And guess what? The team with the terrible diet and exercise patterns also happens to be the team with the most injury problems. This is not a coincidence. Would it kill Joe Blanton to eat an orange and a bowl of oatmeal on gameday? Is the 10 pound bag of Ruffles really necessary?

And the love that I feel is so far away:
I'm a bad dream that I just had today -- and you
shake your head and
say it's a shame.

Fixing the A's won't come overnight. First, they need to sell off all their parts that won't be here next year, and try and bring in some players who will be. This includes Barry Zito, Joe Kennedy (if you can even trade him), Jay Payton, and Scott Sauerbeck. Outside of Zito, you won't get a lot, but perhaps a team will give up on an electric arm with a bout of wildness in their rookie league, or a hitter who hasn't finished growing. Francisco Liriano was once considered an afterthought in a trade. He now just might be the best pitcher in baseball. Guys like these are available. Billy needs to find them.

And here's a thought: How about trading Frank Thomas? The bottom line is that this team isn't making the playoffs, and if Frank is worth bringing back next year, another team will give him more money, and then we can all just complain about being poor again. Our marriage with Thomas was always going to be only one year. He would either be too unhealthy, or too good to afford for 2007. Well, it's the latter. But guess what? He might bring you back a pretty package. Look at the lack of production that Anaheim, Toronto, Detroit, Seattle, and Texas are getting from their DH. There are teams where he'd have value. Or what about the Mets? Big Frank could give Willie Randolph a nice little secret weapon once a game off the bench when anybody except Beltran, Wright, or Delgado are up. Package him with Barry Zito? Now is it worth Milledge and Pelfrey? Maybe, maybe not. But let's explore that option.

Second, they need to get rid of Macha. If a miser like John York can fire Donahue and Erickson with money still on their contract, Wolfe can bite the bullet on Macha. The players don't like him, they don't respond to him, and they clearly don't play for him. Let him refer to some other teams players as a "non-entity," but just get him the fuck away from Oakland.

Third, a new scouting director (or just more scouts) need to be brought in. Have him or them start right away so that the 2007 draft isn't thrown in the crapper the same way the last 4 drafts have been. We can turn this thing around.

And finally, find a superstar by whatever possible means. Teams with superstars win. The Sharks couldn't beat a team of schoolgirls; they trade for Joe Thornton and become one of the better teams in hockey. That's not a coincidence. If it costs, Barton, Windsor, Suzuki, and everybody else in the system, fine. We can no longer sit on our asses masturbating behind the Casino Fantastique billboards waiting for guys like Crosby and Johnson to turn into Mantle and Dimaggio. Go get those players.

The A's are not among the top 10 teams in baseball. They may not even crack the top 15. This season is lost, so it's time to prepare them for the future. Will this organization prepare for the future, or will they continue to be as thick as a brick?

So you ride yourselves over the fields and
you make all your animal deals and
your wise men don't know how it feels to be thick as a brick.

John Kruk: All-Star Nut Job

2006-07-02T19:21:00.000-06:00

The All-Star Selection show was roughly 44 seconds old when John Kruk made an asshole out of himself...Karl Ravech asked the panel of knuckledraggers (John Kruk, Harold Reynolds, and Steve Phillips) who they would place in their American League Starting outfield and John Kruk was the first to open his mouth.

Manny Ramirez. Okay.

Johnny Damon. Meh.

Raul Ibanez.

Kruk proceeded to go on about how Ibanez is a "Gamer" and has "put his time in" and is having "a wonderful season" and a whole bunch of other jibber jabber that just did not make any sense.

It did not end there. Earlier in the week I predicted that someone in the National Media would gripe about the selection of Pirates outfielder Jason Bay to the starting lineup....my initial concern was ESPN's panel of experts on Around The Horn, or even worse...Cold Pizza...sadly, I forgot about the dream team that is Baseball Tonight and the head fool John Kruk himself. I figured someone like Jay Marriotti or Bill Plaschke would talk down on Bay because he plays for the Pitiful Pittsburgh Pirates and doesn't have enough "star power" for the All-Star game and how someone like Andruw Jones or Jim Edmonds should be there instead...and they still might...in fact, I still predict someone brings up his O-for in last years homerun derby as a reason why he does not belong. Just give it time my friends. Just give it time. But in the end it was Kruk that started the flinging:

"I can see the selection of Carlos Beltran, but how can you take Jason Bay over someone like Andruw Jones?"

At the All-Star break Bay ranks in the top 5 among NL outfielders in On-Base Percentage, Slugging Percentage, and OPS....And it's no fluke: Last season Bay finished in the top 3 in the same categories (first in OPS) and the year before that was the National League Rookie Of The Year...all of this while playing half of his games in a park that can be murder on Right Handed hitters due to it's spacious left field...which Bay plays quite well as a fielder.

Andruw Jones be damned.

The only thing more insane than John Kruk is the fact that I actually give two craps about the All-Star Game.

And while we're on the subject of ESPN personalities that need fired, here are some NBA fans having a laugh with Stephen A. Smith at the NBA Draft

- Aside from Jason Bay being voted into the All-Star game (and rightfully so) the Pirates will also be represented by Freddy Sanchez which will also draw criticism around the league. After all, how could the worst team in the League have not one, but TWO All-Stars....I don't know...maybe because they're good and the rest of the team is swag?

Keith Law from Scouts Inc. already offered his rage into the selection:

"Yes, Sanchez is hitting .363, but even if you want to argue that this half season isn't a fluke -- which it is -- he has no business on the roster ahead of Wright or Cabrera or Rolen, all better players having better years. Sanchez' selection is one of those where a few years from now, he'll be hitting .280/.325/.410 and in five years from now, he'll enter the "This guy was an All-Star?" pantheon."

- Keith Law

Aside from the fact that Wright and Cabrera made the team anyway, I'm not sure why the stick up his ass has a stick up it's ass on this pick. Sanchez may not be a .363 hitter for his career but he still has a career .300 average right now, an OPS currently over.910, and is leading the NL batting race at the halfway point. I think thats what the All-Star game is supposed to be about.

If you haven't had the chance to watch Freddy Sanchez play this season (and judging by the times the Pirates have been on ESPN this year and the Attendance at PNC Park...you haven't) you're missing out. He never strikes out and sprays line drives all over the field...many of which fly into the gaps for wall banger doubles, honestly...he looks like Jason Kendall used to look in his prime. Which is excellent. And he can play every position on the infield....some better than others mind you...but he can still hold his own anywhere on the diamond.

- I'm not sure why, but when I see this clip all I can picture is Greg, Ken Macha, an A's game, and instant laughter. My only regret is I don't speak a lick of German.

- Couple weeks ago I was sitting in one of my co-workers offices when the following scene played out:

His office wall is on the other side of Mens room (which is right next door to the ladies room - it's a bad location for an office)...when you're in his office you can hear all the discussion that takes place in the Mens room and vice versa. We were sitting there chewing the fat when all of a sudden we hear a sound coming from the mens room that resembes someone pouring a bucket of water into a tub of water.

Him: "Great, someones pissing in the shitter again."

Me: "Sure sounds like it."

Him: "I hate that."

Me: "Yeah."

Him: "Because they always miss and end up peeing all over the seat, then when I have to shit, I have to sit in a puddle of pee."

I then got up, walked over to the wall, banged on it with both fists and yelled: "HEY, QUIT PISSING IN THE SHITTER!"

I sat back down and we shared a good laugh.

About five minutes later an intern comes walking over and goes, "I wasn't pissing, but I am regretting that 3rd refried bean burrito that I had last night."

Yikes.

- Jim Tracy is worse than Ken Macha and I say that with a straight face.

- Being a Pirates fan is the most frustrating thing in the world. It's bad enough we had a 12 game losing streak, but the way we lost those 12 games was just infuriating. We lost three games to the Twins where we had the lead or a tie in the 8th inning. We lost a game to Arizona where in the bottom of the 9th we had the bases loaded with no one out, didn't score, had the winning on third with 1 out in the next inning...didn't score, and give up a leadoff homerun in the top of the next inning. We lost two games to the White Sox by one run.

Jim Tracy insists on hitting Jack Wilson 2nd, even though he can't get on base...he has a scary love affair with guys like Mike Edwards and Jose Hernandez, and he uses Solomon Torres out of the bullpen every night. Literally Every night. The guy is durable (and very good) but at this pace he is going to have his career ended before the season ends.

He also loves to bunt with guys that can hit. Take the bottom of the 9th inning on Friday Night, which sadly enough, I had to witness from three rows behind the Pirates dugout. The Pirates battled back from a 7-1 hole to make it a one run game in the bottom of the 9th...Jeromy Burnitz led off the inning by reaching first base with an Error....winning run at the plate in the form of Jose Bautista...a really good young hitter for the Bucs. On this night Bautista had a triple, a homerun, a walk, and was hit by a pitch.

Tracy's call?

A sac bunt.

The first bunt attempt hit Bautista squarely on the hand...probably could have broken it, and since this is the Pirates with Pirate luck, i'm surprised it didn't. It went down as a foul ball and Bautista stayed in...Tracy kept the bunt on, which as can be expected..failed...and the Pirates lost another one run game. The very next night Bautista had another three hit game (and followed that up with another two hit game today). I sure am glad he was bunting in the 9th inning of a one run game.

Still not as crazy as the game in Cleveland a month and a half ago where Tracy called 5 Sac Bunts in an American League Ballpark (with the DH.......no Pitcher hitting) only to watch the Pirates lose by one...glad we wasted 5 outs in THAT one.

Grady Little is a Moron and I love him

2006-06-16T22:55:00.000-06:00

Mercy. You might be used to watching a game in which Ken Macha manages involve some of the most ridiculously indefensible moves you'll ever see. You might not be used to the other manager making those moves.

But tonight, in the first game in which Ken Macha went up against Grady Little since the collective managing monstrosity that was the 2003 division series, Grady Little showed us all why his redneck dumbass was kicked to the curb the second the RedSox season was over. But Macha, not to be outdone, reminded us all that while the kid may be an up and coming moron, old ironbrains Ken is still the Baron of Brainfarts.

In the 6th inning, after Brett Tomko had tiptoed through 5 innings while only allowing 5 runs, Grady decided to ignore the fact that Bobby Kielty is an excellent right handed hitter but terrible from the left side, and brought in some left handed Chinaman because he apparently felt like giving Kielty a 250 point OPS boost for the at-bat. Kielty promptly doubled. Luckily for Grady, a very nice play by Dodger DUI on a Melhuse rope prevented that run from scoring. But things wouldn't work out so well for Grady when he played with the same fire in the 7th. With 2 outs and a runner on first and the Chinaman still on the mound, Jay Payton came to bat. Now, a quick check of Payton's numbers show him to very good against lefties, and very bad against righties. The next batter after Payton was Bobby Kielty. There was absolutely no reason to leave the Chinaman in the game, but leave him in he did. Both batters roped doubles, with Kielty's ball being maybe a foot short of a homerun. A 5-3 score was now 7-3, and the game was over. Both of those runs should be charged to Grady Little's ERA, as they were almost entirely his fault. Payton and Kielty are about as automatic an out batting against righties as Ken Macha is to making out a dumb lineup.

Now, there is no reason to think that the Dodgers would have come back from that 5-3 deficit. But let's assume that the final score remained at 5-3, and that the loss wasn't Little's fault (which really, it wasn't). But here's why that's fucking stupid.

Right now, the A's pen is terrible. It has Street and Calero, who are both excellent. Gaudin's got a great arm, but he's not quite ready for prime time. He's as hit-or-miss as a Radiohead cd. Everybody else came from the same manure bag from which Macha's brain was constructed. But guess what: if Little brings in a righty and the score is 5-3, Calero pitches the 8th, and Street pitches the 9th. Now, Ken Macha has already come out and said that Calero will not pitch in back to back days. If he has to pitch tonight, that means he's unavailable tomorrow, and the A's would only have 1 solid reliever in their pen, and then Gaudin. Also, if the Dodgers can force Street into the game, it would have been the third day in a row, and 7th out of the last 8 games in which Street had appeared. There would have been at least a decent chance that Street couldn't pitch Saturday, and if he did, he's definitely out Sunday.

Little could have effectively dismantled our bullpen for this series, but he was content to let both Payton and Kielty bat from the side of the plate where both are close to .900 OPS hitters (instead of .600), and paid for it dearly. Huston Street is now likely available for each of the two remaining games in this series. And was Little aware of who is starting tomorrow? I think Kirk Saarloos is a hell of a competitor, and his balls are made of rebar. And he probably should have been awarded a medal for the way he pitched when his mom was battling cancer, but lets face it; the dude is at best an average major league starter. He generally only goes 5-6 innings, meaning you definitely get into the bullpen when he throws. So if Grady could have managed tonight's game resigned to defeat but still thinking about tomorrow, he could have positioned himself to get 3-4 innings out of Halsey/Karsay/Witasick/etc, and given himself an even better chance to win the game tomorrow. But he didn't. With a 4 run lead, neither Street nor Calero had to come into the game, and Grady just ended up compounding his mistake.

"But what about Ken?" you say. "Surely he didn't manage the game correctly." Well, as a certain weird guy from Mepos once said, "of course not, don't be ridiculous." Macha was his usual moronfuck self. First off, Ken's original lineup consisted of the guy with the 1.528 June OPS batting 8th against a righty, in between Payton (who can't hit righties) and Scutaro (who can't hit, period), meaning Ken had effectively taken Johnson, his hottest hitter, out of the game before it even began. Also, the original lineup had Bobby Kielty (who can't hit righties) as DH, while Melhuse rotted on the bench. However, after Kotsay's back spasm'd up on him, Melhuse was inserted at DH, and Johnson was moved to 6th in the order. For those wondering, no, Kielty did not get a hit against a righty tonight.

And then, Macha made his most indefensible move of the night. With a 7-3 9th inning lead, he brought in Calero to close it out. Calero did so without difficulty, but now is not available for tomorrow. Grady Little had tried to give Ken an absolute gift, but Macha would have none of it. Now, tomorrow's bullpen consists of Huston Street and nothing else. With Saarloos starting, it could be rough. Tomrrow, if Halsey or Witasick or Karsay or somebody of that ilk gives up the game losing hit when Calero otherwise would have been in, that loss will be pinned entirely on Macha.

You know, just because the A's have won 8 in a row and 11 of 12 doesn't mean Macha is a good manager. And likewise, just because they're losing doesn't make him bad. But when he continually and consistently trots out idiotic lineups, waits too long to take out pitchers and then brings in the wrong guy, or uses one of his ace relievers in a totally unnecessary situation, he helps create losses. Tomorrow could very well be the 5th game this season that Macha has singlehandedly lost for us, and there is absolutely no reason that has to be the case. Those who play both pool and chess must look several moves ahead, and factor in what might take place a little down the road in their most immediate decision. Sure, it's great to take a pawn, but if you're giving up your rook two moves later because of it, maybe you oughta leave the pawn be. And if hitting in the 7-ball gives your opponent an open road to knock in three or four of his balls, perhaps you should make another move. If a chess player doesn't look ahead, he loses. Ditto for a pool player. So why aren't we holding managers to the same standard?

I'm pleased as roofie punch that we won tonight, but the team is weaker tomorrow when it didn't have to be. This is something that you're not going to hear about on talk radio, in the newspapers, or discussed on Asslicker's Nation. On those forums, you'll read about the good times, about enjoying the victories, and how to jam a tampon as far down your ear canal as possible. But looking ahead is a very real concept in baseball. Squirrels store nuts when the weather is nice. People fix their roof when the weather is nice. Grady should have been aware of our bullpen situation. And Macha sure as hell should have been, too. But neither was, and it ended up costing both. We need to start holding these people to higher standards, and we're not. If anybody can find any written or spoken reference anywhere condemning Macha for being an idiot even though the A's won, I will send you 1 million dollars. Yeah, that's a pretty empty promise, because we both know that anybody who dares question how things are done must be some bitter, lonely loser with no friends or life (the fact that this is all true of me is merely a coincidence), so you'll never see it. Baseball isn't politics; for some reason, people think that intelligence is a requisite before you can get into analysis. Try and tell Macha that he's an idiot on a day the A's win, and you're Chicken Little. But try and use sound economic principles learned while obtaining your economics degree to explain why Universal health care is a bad idea, and you must be a rich Republican (note: I am neither). We live in an ass-backwards (and hopelessly obese) society, and oftentimes it becomes a little much to take. But sell your t-shirts, Blez. Write your campy articles, Susan. Why think about stuff? That just takes up valuable time. This is quite literally the most pathetic thing I've ever read in my life (and I've read like a third of Atlas Shrugged), but Blez was still likely paid for his "thoughts," which consisted of nothing but hearsay, conjecture, speculation, and some of the most hideous writing skills around (this blog notwithstanding). Unfuckingbelievable, huh? And yet my spot on analysis day after day after day only gets seen by about 4,000 people per month. There's still a lot of people who need to be educated by me. A lot.

A few years ago, the A's had a book written about them that sort of became both popular and misunderstood. But at its heart, it tried to say that in baseball, a lot of things are done stupidly, so the A's do a lot of things differently. But three years ago, when both the RedSox and the A's watched their managers do their absolute best to lose the playoff series (Ken succeeded, but Grady would get his revenge in the championship series), only one team realized that they had a sunk cost at manager. They replaced him with somebody halfway competent, and the next year they won the World Series (ok, the 12 billion they spent in the offseason probably helped a little). The RedSox did what was smart on the ballfield and not the ledger sheet. They canned the manager whom they still owed money because he was hemorrhaging the team the same way Britney Spears hemorrhages the twinkie aisle (does that make sense? It's too late for this shit). But the A's didn't. They suffered through that year, and they suffered through the next two where Macha was probably singularly reponsible for the team not even making the playoffs (he absolutely was in 2004). And then they went and signed him to an extension, where he has continued to pull the same crap that he pulled for the last three.

Understand this: Ken Macha will never lead a team to the World Series. He is incapable of making the tiny moves necessary to win ballgames. And that only gets magnified in the playoffs (not that we'll ever get there again). So when a fan of another team disparages moneyball and uses the wrong arguments, such as on-base percentage, stealing, defense, or character to try and do so, realize that the fan is ultimately right, although for the wrong reasons. The A's don't do things differently but more efficiently at all. The A's do things that hurt the club. Re-hiring Macha is like invading Russia in the winter, losing, but getting more troops and supplies from the UN to cover those losses, and then invading Russia again the next winter. Isn't it funny that we can never win because of our payroll, and yet, at the same time, what we do accomplish despite the lower payroll makes us heroes? So the fuck what. How many years in a row do we get to hide behind that crutch? Develop players, sign and trade for good players, make smart decisions, and win the fucking world series. That's the job. That's Billy's job. That's Ken's job. Try this on for size: From 2005-2008, the A's will pay Jason Kendall, Esteban Loaiza, Ken Macha, Jay Payton and Jay Witasick approximately 63.9 million dollars. From 2004-2008, the Angels will pay Vlad Guerrero 70 million dollars. Which group would you rather have? Yeah, I thought so. It's about being smart, and the A's haven't been smart for at least two years now.

The Angels won the series with a moderate payroll, as did the Marlins and Whitesox. Yet somehow, for us, it's impossible to do so because we're the red-headed stepchild of the Bay Area with pitiful radio and tv contracts who gets ignored in the newspaper? Boo fucking hoo. Cry me a god damn river. Wait, what? Life isn't working out perfectly? The fuck you say. Just get the fuck right out of here. Well, when life doesn't work out perfectly, there's only one thing to do: complain about it. Luckily for us A's fans, our team complains bitterly. About the market size. About the stadium. About the local coverage. About the economic climate of baseball. Anything that detracts from the fact that given everything that we've been given, the A's have failed to accomplish anything since 1989. Awesome.

Macha is a dullard, plain and simple. I don't give a fuck if he has an engineering degree. I know literally hundreds of people from college with engineering degrees that can barely put on their pants without falling over. Hell, Roman has an engineering degree, and look how dumb he is (j/k man...you rock!). But Macha is a stupid human being that cannot act or think quickly and cannot adapt to any situation. It's like the person who memorizes the multiplication tables, but doesn't really understand the principles behind them. So when the test comes, while 8 x 9 = 72 is in their memory banks, what is 9 x 6 might as well be in another fucking language. And that's just like Ken, except he fails at everything and is a cocksucking faggot who is singlehandedly ruining my life (well, that and my DNA).

Many people say the RedSox were the first Moneyball team to win the world series because they didn't steal or bunt. There are probably about 25 valid reasons why the RedSox WEREN'T a moneyball team that year (the payroll that equaled Niger's GDP probably being a main reason), they were in a sense. They still owed Grady Little money on his contract, but realized he was a sunk cost and got rid of him before he could cost them 2004, too. They didn't look for rationalization in the fact that he had won over 90 games in each of his two seasons as manager, they, they realized it was the games he wasn't winning that were more important. Because he managed the RedSox exactly like he managed tonight; indescribably horrible. So they canned him. And they were rewarded with a World Series. That, my friends, is money. Well, Ken Macha has averaged over 90 wins a season in his managing tenure. Radical. That, and my balls on your lips will get you a teabag. It's not the game he's winning that are the problem. It's the games he loses that get to me.

Tonight, we were all witness to a special showing of exactly why the 2004 RedSox never would have won shit with Grady Little. We were also given the 878th encore performance of why any A's team will never win shit with Ken Macha. My sources indicate to me that Michael Lewis is hard at work on his next novel "RetardBall."

The A's have won 8 straight games, but what's the fucking difference? Ken Macha will make sure the season ends in heartache and despair, just like he always does. Anything Grady Little does, Ken Macha can do better. Little only cost his team one potential championship. Macha is already at 3 and counting.

Now it's late and I'm tired, so I'm going to bed. Fuck Macha. Fuck Macha right in the ear. I swear to fucking God I'm going to kill that asshole one of these days. The jailtime would be worth it, because if for no other reason, I probably wouldn't be allowed to watch the A's.

Fuck Macha.

Faster than a speeding turd

2006-06-15T08:31:00.000-06:00

A drunk speeding turd...A drunk speeding Tijuana Turd

When you're in the comedy business, there are times when the game can be a grind. Even I occasionally suffer through an episode of comedy writer's block. Now, I know what you're going to say; You're going to say, "But Greg, your sense of humor is so distinguished, sophisticated, and mature. Surely that never goes on vacation." But let me tell you, it happens to the best of us. After all, funny can have so many different meanings, the same way "We're just friends" can often mean "he likes her, but she's dating some Italian cocksucker" (purely hypothetical, btw). However, there do exist times when the jokes just write themselves. The postman knocks on your door and says "special delivery from obvious," and all you have to do is copy and paste the hilarity onto your blog, and reap the rewards.

Friends, this is one of those times.

With news coming out late last night that the Tijuana Turd was arrested for driving drunk, I think I speak for all of us when I say our reaction was "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a jackass!" I think I also speak for all of us when I say, "Is there any way this could be the impetus to getting out from under his Damocles-ian contract?" I sure hope so. It worked for the Rockies with Denny Neagle, after all. And surely solicitation of a prostitute is far less offensive than driving drunk, right?

Now, mind you, we here at FireMacha are not casting judgement. Let he who is without sin do something or other. If Loaiza wants to get hammered to try and forget his season, that's fine and dandy with us. I think I've lost count of how many beers I've been forced to consume watching Loaiza "pitch." And after all, drunk driving would never be the least bit tragic if those stupid innocent bystanders could just stop hogging the sidewalks that we alcoholics love to drive down. Sheesh.

However, you gotta give Stevie his props. Every time I'm a little inebriated and get behind the wheel, after I intentionally run down a few elderly people and then some children, I try to obey the laws of the road as best I can. After all, you can't fail a breatha-Loaiza test (if breatha-Loaiza isn't the funniest fucking thing you've ever read, then Macha can eat a goat's dick) if the cop doesn't pull you over. Turns out Este-auto-bahn (am I on a fucking roll or what?) was cruising down Hwy 238 at speeds in excess of 120 miles per hour. A mexican speeding near Hayward? Jesus, the dude never had a chance. Oh well, he'll be able to pay those hefty DUI fines with some of the 21 million he's stealing from us, so it's not like this will hit him in the pocketbook or anything. And if Leonard Little has taught us nothing else, it's that even mediocre professional athletes are immune from those pesky little laws like "Don't drink and drive." So Esteban should be ok. And in the end, isn't that what's most important?

As for the A's, they keep winning because it's June. And in June, even Macha doing something stupid like batting Kielty against a right-hander turns out well, and the red haired freakazoid will bust out 2 hits, runs, and RBI. So....yeah.

Now, let's all point and laugh at Loaiza. If nothing else, this makes insulting the dude a lot easier in the future.

What a turd...a Tijuana Turd.

Behind the Macha

2006-06-12T12:57:00.000-06:00

Well, wasn't this road trip just a nut-tickling good time? 5 out of 6 in two cities where we generally choke even worse than we choke everywhere else. Good pitching, breaks going our way, and fuck - even Estella Blowaiza threw a gem. Well, shove a Jack-O-Lantern up my urethra and watch me piss out of my nose. Ain't life grand. June is here; the team has won 9 of 11 and climbed to within 2 games of first place Texas. Not only has the hitting improved, but Frank Thomas has now gone from simply justifying his 500k salary to possibly being included in the All-star game discussion. Let's all throw a party. The A's are over .500 and winning ballgames. Let's just hoist up that banner right now. There's just no stopping the Oakland juggernaut.

Think again.

How many seasons in a row do we have to watch this pattern play out? Start out slow, hot in the middle, choke on dick at the end. It's the same thing every god damn year. And now that we've reached the portion of the season where we win games, then NOW all of a sudden this is our year. NOW there's no way we'll choke in September. NOW this is finally the season the A's stay healthy and win it all.

Think again.

Despite the recent winning streak, it's time to take a closer look at the team. It's time to go Behind the Macha.

Earlier this year, I wrote the following:

Look, this isn't the playoffs. We don't need Street or Duchscherer to perform Yeoman's work to win these games in April for us. I don't want to see these guys headed to the hill for 5 or 6 days in a row, even if all those games are close. If Macha is backed into a corner by how much he used these guys in the previous couple of three games, sit them down. There may be a situation where we have to send Jay Witasick out to protect a one run 9th inning lead. And he may lose that game. That's the way the ball bounces.
-Me, April 14th

Soon after that, Macha sent Huston Street to the mound four out of five days. Not long after that, Street went on the disabled list for about 12 years. As many of you know, Street has now pitched four consecutive days and five of the last six. Awesome. I realize the bullpen is kinda fucked up right now (even accounting for the fact that Macha is generally the one who fucks it up), but you are just playing with fire by sending the guy out there day after day after day. Of course, if Macha weren't a complete idiot, Street never would have thrown on Saturday.

With the score 4-2 and the bases loaded in the 8th inning on Saturday, Dan Johnson lofted a shallow fly ball down the left field line that landed in fair territory. With two outs, the runners were off on contact. Frank Thomas, the runner at second base, managed to not score on a ball that was in the air for a good 6 or 7 seconds. Even though it was obvious he should have been pinch run for at that point (obvious, of course, has a far different meaning for Ken Macha), he wasn't. Frank was injured on the play, and was forced to sit out Sunday's game. The A's say he'll be back Tuesday, but when it comes to injuries and recovery time, the A's word is about as helpful as Macha's brain. There have now been two obvious situations this year when Macha should have taken Thomas off the basepaths. He didn't, and both times, Frank suffered an injury. Macha can rationalize it all he wants about possibly needing Frank's bat in the lineup should his spot come up again, but he's just trying to cover his own ass because he's a retard. The first time Macha didn't take Frank out, we were down by 6 runs in the 8th inning. Yeah, I know. No further explanation necessary.

Anyway, had Macha inserted a pinch runner, the A's would have gone up 6-2, and Street wouldn't have come in to close. As it was, Street shouldn't have come in, anyway. Chad Gaudin should have come in to protect the three run 9th inning lead, and our star closer who has already been injured this year shouldn't have been forced in three consecutive days.

It is quite possible (and is actually happening) for Macha to fuck this team up even when we're winning. So let me ask you this: What makes this year different from all the rest? What possible reason for optimism is there? Chavez can barely walk now; it's only a matter of time until he's on the DL. Will Carroll is reporting that Harden is headed for Tommy John surgery. And we still have Macha.

Idiots are so quick to credit Macha's steady hand when things are going well. Well, that's just fucking great. It's so god damn difficult to be a manager when your players are winning. But what about Macha's steady hands when the team isn't winning. Before this winning 9 of 11 run, the team lost 10 of 11. Well, did Macha do anything different during that losing streak to try and get them out of it? Any hit and runs, stolen bases, bunts, sacrifices? Early in the season, the ONLY thing that was good about our lineup was Swisher and Chavez back to back. Well, Ken couldn't break that up fast enough. But when the lineup wasn't working, did Ken make any changes to it? Did he hire a priest to perform a clubhouse seance (don't laugh..psychosomatic measures can help too)? Did he do ANYTHING that might help the team stop losing? Or did he just sit there like a cocksucker and watch loss after loss pile up and then blame the injuries, just as I told you he was going to do?

Yeah, I thought so.

And the next time the going gets tough (early September), you can bet your bottom dollar (the one you're hopefully not wasting to watch the A's), that Macha will just sit there like a jackass and watch the team tank for yet another year. Different year, same movie.

But hey, let's celebrate this winning streak. We have won 10 of our last 22 games, after all. This team is totally world class. THIS is the year they finally win it all.

Um, think again. You have to look closer. You have to look Behind the Macha.

Uh...yeah. Did you get that Memo?

2006-06-07T19:37:00.000-06:00

I've been away for what seems like an eternity and I am quite confident that everyone involved is seeking professional help to deal with the obvious depression associated with my absense...but fear not my friends...I have returned.

Last Friday I was sitting at my desk trying to make the last two hours of the day disappear when one of my female co-workers approached me and asked if I "Got the voice mail?" I get lots of voice mails, many of them stupid, and THE voice mail she was talking about was almost assured to be one of those. They all are.

"You have GOT to listen to it," she quipped.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just do it," she laughed. "It's worth it."

Okay...So I did.

I opened up the message and heard the branch president begin talking...I just assumed it was the normal weekly voice mail he sends out on Friday afternoons (actually, he records it and his assistant sends it out....more on her in a bit)...how wrong I was. Normally his messages do nothing more than update us on the happenings within the company. You know...new accounts, new business, personal goals, new hires, pep talks - what can YOU do for the company? - Stuff that is right out of office space pretty much.

Unfortunately (well, for us cube rats it was a blessing on a boring mundane Friday) his assistant forwarded out the wrong voice mail to the company, turns out the voice mail she sent out to the entire company was the president trying to set up their secret late night rendez vouz at a local sleep shack.

There are two great things about the president plowing his assistant.

1. To say his assistant gets around like a record would be a disservice to records. I have worked at this company for roughly three years and in those three years this woman has been married four times. Four. I didn't think it was possible to have four relationships in three years let alone four marriages. Yet here we are.

"Hell........Lumberg fucked her."

2. Our president is a moral bible thumper in every sense of the phrase, "Moral bible thumper." The fact he is not only bangin' another broad, but bangin' his assistant (which is just so cliche), is incredible.

I love it.

About an hour after this voice mail we got another voice mail from the branch president talking about how we have this new voice mail system (which we don't) and earlier in the day some "tests" were made. He continued to ramble on about how "we all need to pay attention to detail in our daily work and need to be accountable for every one of our actions."

You just can not make this shit up.

The day before all of this happened I was sitting at my desk following the Pirates-Brewers game on MLB.com Gameday. This is no way to follow baseball, but when you're bored out of your gord at work you do what you can to get your daily baseball fix in. The Bucs and Beer Makers played a low scoring pitchers duel that saw Uekers boys take a 2-1 lead into the bottom of the 9th where they called upon Derrick "Roids" Turnbow to seal the deal. I sat in intense anticipation as the Pirates got a couple guys on base in a last at-bat attempt to complete the four game sweep. With a runner on 3rd and Jose Castillo up at the plate Gameday appeared to freeze for a few minutes (as it turns out the umps reversed a homerun call...making it a game tying double instead of a game winning homerun)... when finally I saw the result of the play.....a tie game..I let out a simple "woo" to show my approval. Moments later Ryan Doumit came up and ripped a game winning single down into the right field corner which instantly made me slap my desk and scream out:

"FUCK YEAH BABY! DERRICK TURNBOW IN YOUR MOMS PANTS!" At which point I began to bang on the walls of my cube and pump my fists into the air in intense celebration.

Your bad.

Over the weekend of May 20th I made the two and a half hour trek from Pittsburgh to Cleveland to see my Battlin' Buccos take on the Indians at the Mistake by the Lake. I have family that lives up in that area so it was rather simple to score tickets to Saturdays game...it was the first time I had actually ever been into Cleveland and I've gotta say....it's every bit the dump I heard it was. Jacobs Field is a nice yard but it's no PNC Park, and to say the fans are a real "wine and cheese crowd" would be the understatement of the century. This place was dead from start to finish. No atmosphere. No excitment. No pizzaz. Nothing. Silence. Luckily however I was not the only Pittsburgh native to make the journey up north to the land of burning rivers. If I had to make a rough guesstimate I would say about six to seven thousand Pirate fans in Jacobs Field on this night, you could not swing a dead cat without hitting someone wearing a Pirates jersey. It made the night quite fun, especially since the Pirates won in front of a very vocal Pittsburgh contingent.

Nate Mclouth opened the game by working the count full on Jason Johnson before taking a 3-2 fastball and crushing it deep into the right center field bleachers.

In the 3rd Inning the Pirates got two monster homeruns (one from Jason Bay, who in case you have not heard, is the greatest baseball player in the game today..and the other from Jose Castillo) to make it a 7-2 Pittsburgh lead. I yelled down to my Uncle who was sitting a row in front of me (he got me the tickets) and said, "Man, this is just like football season, the game has barely started and Pittsburgh already has seven on Cleveland." I laughed. He didn't.

In the top of the 9th Jason Bay (best player in the game today) hit his 2nd homerun of the game, an opposite field blast to deep right field which put the Bucs up 9-6...moments later there appeared to be a ruckus down the left field line...people yelling, crowds gathering, cops running in from all directions...the concourses, the aisles, the field....it was a fight. This Pittsburgh-Cleveland thing carries over to baseball too. It turns out a Cleveland fan threw a beer at a Pirates fan (one of these days those numbnuts in Cleveland are going to realize Beer is to valuable to throw) because he took offense to the Pirates fans ransacking and pillaging his home. The problem with this (aside from the fact he wasted his beer) was the Pirates fan turned out to be a very angry 6'4 200 pound black man. Needless to say he turned around and punched him in the face. Pittsburgh 10. Cleveland 6.

Thats all I got for now. And until next time:

I'm out like a boner in sweatpants.

Hiatus Over

2006-06-05T08:44:00.001-06:00

"After changes upon changes we are more or less the same."
- Paul Simon

I had to come back. You can only go on some many nature hikes before you realize that nature is boring and sucks. Hey, you know what else is boring and sucks? The A's.

But I'm a masochist. And the best way to feed that addiction is to watch the A's. I attended a barbeque yesterday, and while the game was on in the background, I rarely paid attention to it. I did go inside once to see that the A's had the bases loaded and nobody out. I started to get excited, and then I realized that it was the A's. Oh, and Jason Kendall was up. You guys will be shocked to know that Kendall didn't get the run home. I know, seriously. Weird, huh? Kendall failing? That never happens. Oh, and the A's didn't score that inning. Double weird. But I loved it. Like I said, I'm a masochist.

And as a masochist, what better time to return to the team than right before they embark on a road trip to Cleveland and New York, two of the 13 American League cities where we seem to turn into a gigantic, blood-soaked, puss-covered, wart-infested vaginas. We can't beat these two teams in their stadiums under any circumstances. I'm really looking forward to going 1-5 on this road trip. Did I mention that I was a masochist?

Oh, and it gets better. Check out the ERA's and the walk-rates of the next 4 pitchers we'll be facing.

Westbrook: 5.00/2.50
Byrd: 5.43/2.36
Johnson: 5.92/2.73
Small: 9.67/4.02

HA! Four absolutely atrocious ERA's, and three very good walk rates. Guys who pound the strike zone with mediocre stuff. Jeez, can we just forfeit now? It's not like we have anything even close to a chance. And while Small is definitely walking too many guys, his ERA dictates that every team who faces him should beat him like a woman who mouths off. "I said get me my beer, bitch! Do you WANT to taste the backside of my hand again?" I mean this guy is so bad that he's allowing MORE than one run per inning. He doesn't belong anywhere near the major leagues. Thus, Small will be throwing a gem on Friday. His will be the 4th consecutive gem thrown by a gascan, and the A's will lose all four games. Get used to it. It's been the same damn story since 2002. We don't have a chance.

Also, have you forgotten who is our manager? Yeah, we seriously don't have a chance.

Oh, and the Tijuana Turd will be starting Thursday's game in Cleveland. Wanna know how he did in his rehab start yesterday? 3 IP, 6 H, 1 BB, 3 ER, 0 K. Oh, and he blamed the umpire, too. Like a true champion. We don't have a chance in hell.

But that's why I'm coming back. Like I said, I'm a masochist.

Go A's.

The Golden Clouds of Excellence

2006-05-31T11:48:00.000-06:00

My Dearest Readers,

I write to you this beautiful vernal morn from high up above in what I like to refer to as the Golden Clouds of Excellence. Of course, this is merely a metaphor; physically, I am located about three minutes from a pool bar where Nick Swisher will be this afternoon, but mentally, I am soaring high above it all in my newfound state of perpetual euphoria.

I did not watch the game last night, but I don't think I need to tell you, my dearest readers, of this fact. However, it was easy to deduce the results of last night's athletic competition simply by reading the comments left by you, my dearest readers, on this blog. But it does not bother me. I have let go of what transpires on the ground between mere mortals, and instead soak up the ethereal delight that is my new resting place, the Golden Clouds of Excellence.

But dearest readers, I am somewhat troubled. I am saddened by the bickering and infighting that seems to be taking place in the comments section. You will never find Nirvana if you cannot let go of the rage that encases and controls your entire psyche. Let go, dearest readers...let go. A lesser man, which, I admit, I used to be, might have looked to find two comments written by the same user calling him a pussy and a chubby chaser and get angry. That same lesser man might have pointed out that said user was only one blog post removed from his minute by minute account of the party he attended with nothing but female sexegenarians to watch the finale of American Idol. That lesser man may have then handed that user a dictionary and told him to look up the phrase "ironically insufferable jackass." But not me. Not the new me. Not the new me, the better man who now dwells solely in the Golden Clouds of Excellence.

Dearest readers, I urge you all to become better men, like I have become. Let's put a stop to the accusations and recriminations. Let us end the fighting and travel, together, to the Golden Clouds of Excellence.

A wise sage once opined that a journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step. But let us not be concerned with the fact that the single step of sacking Ken Macha would account for about a 687 mile bus ride, and instead be concerned with taking the step to learn what is truly important in life.

And what, you ask, my dearest readers, is truly important in life?

That question can only be answered by yourself, after you let go of your earthly possessions and desires, and come join me high up above in the Golden Clouds of Excellence.

I bid a most excellent adieu to everyone.

The Highest Highs

2006-05-29T13:09:00.000-06:00

Greetings, friends! My self-imposed hiatus from the Athletics was initally scheduled to be a brief two or perhaps three day affair. However, I never expected that my life would change so dramatically, and for the better, with baseball no longer a part of it.

My blood pressure, conservatively estimated at 900/250, has now decreased to more normal levels. My ulcers are dissipating, and the rage that had controlled my life for the better part of twenty years is now gone. I was 25 going on 200; I am now a kid again. I am finally and once again capable of enjoying life; not just living, but LIVING! I haven't watched baseball for three days now, and I am unaware of the results of the last two. Finally, I am free, free, free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last.

The evening sunset is something I have never really enjoyed in my life, for I was always holed up in the solitary confinement that was watching baseball. But I have been going on nature hikes during normally scheduled baseball hours. I have brought along my vibrant, happy-go-lucky labrador retriever to the interminable mountain ranges of Walnut Creek; he has run, jumped, and pranced through the golden rolling hills. He has swam in the sparkling blue waters. He has chased squirrels and cavorted with other dogs, all the while with a smile on his face. And this, friends, brings a smile to my face.

I have enrolled in my first ever yoga class. As I stretch, I can feel myself stretching upwards to heaven; free of the shackles of baseball that had chained me to the despair ridden earth for so long. Reach, reach, reach for the sky, I am free at last!

Friends, watching the Oakland Athletics had become not a pastime, but a prison sentence. My freedom had been taken from me until I wrestled it back from the grim hands of Satan. I may never again watch another baseball game, and that thought brings me not sadness, but joy. Joy that was seemingly indescrible and unattainable a mere seven days ago, but now rests in my grip in a symbiotic partnership between myself and happiness. Dear readers, I urge you all to rid yourselves of the hold baseball has on you. Free yourself from baseball, and you, like me, will truly be free.

Gone from my life is anguishing over the dormant countenance and inexplicable employment of a certain grandfatherly individual. Gone from my life are four letter words such as RISP and GIDP. Instead, they have been replaced by an imperturbable calm, an almost halycon-like serenity.

May all of your souls one day join mine soaring throughout the shimmering expanse of the infinite. May your spirits join mine on an ascension towards the heavenly celestials. May you procure neverending peace. May you enjoy a harmonious existence in the tranquility of a baseball-free world. There is beauty everywhere. I see it now. I see what all along I have been missing.

Join me, dear readers. Join me in my new world where there exists no valleys, only peaks. No lows, only highs. Join me in my new life without the Oakland Athletics.

Join me as I reach the highest highs.

Circling the drain.....

2006-05-25T07:53:00.000-06:00

I hate this team. The manager, the general manager, and especially the players. I can't stand them. They are stupid, useless, and I hate them. "We were aware of the bunt." Yeah, sure you were you scrotum-swallowing anusbags. That must be why Flores, Swisher AND Scutaro reacted to it like they just walked in on their fat aunt fucking a donkey. That must have been why Macha called a meeting on the mound before the at-bat (oh wait...he didn't), and why Scutaro was positioned in the left field stands.

I can't stand to watch you bat with runners on. When that happens, I go to the bathroom or head to the kitchen to fix a snack, because I know I'm not missing anything. I can't stand to watch you do anything. Letting Kendall bat last night in the 8th was the wrong move. Letting Kielty bat in the 9th against the righty Jenks was just beyond stupid. Jesus, Ken. Did Melhuse rape your son or something? What the fuck does the guy with the 3rd highest OPS on the team have to do to get some fucking at-bats? Kendall's defense is just as sad as his offense. Put Melhuse in the fucking game. What are you afraid will happen, the offense might score more than the 2 runs a game it's been averaging over the last six games?

Whatever. Fuck it. I can't watch this team anymore. It literally is too much for my blood pressure.

The Angels just got done losing 17 of 22 games. Yeah, you read that correctly. We could have BURIED them. But we didn't. Now they're showing signs of life, and I fully expect them to be back in 1st place by June 15th. We could have ended the race, but we were too busy stuffing seminal vesicles down our throats. I literally, physically, and mentally cannot watch this team anymore.

So I'm putting myself on a self-imposed hiatus from watching the team. Maybe for a couple of days. Maybe a month. Maybe forever. Or maybe until we get a regime change, because until that happens we're all just watching the same god damn movie we've seen the last 7 years. Start out slow, get hot in the middle, choke on a dick when it counts.

They've sapped my will. I'm tired, broken, and beaten. I don't want to watch them anymore. I CAN'T watch them anymore. My creativity is gone. At some point, there just aren't any more pictures you can crop Macha's head on. Whatever I have to say while I'm in this state isn't worth your time, so I'm not going to bother. It's clinical depression, and the only cure for it is strip clubs, lots of alcohol, and not watching Jason Kendall bat.

So the blog is going to go dark for a little bit. At least when it concerns entries from me. I need to get my health in order before I can go back to being a fan of this fucking team. If Macha can sleep through games, so the hell can I.

But keep checking Zach's site. It's the best site on the internet, and he does great work. And the anti-Blez always does great work. If you would like to submit a guest entry for FireMacha.com, I urge you to do so.

But I can't keep this up. Not right now. I know how the story ends. And I know that you know, too. I'm just sick of watching.

Fuck this team.

The A's season

2006-05-13T14:55:00.000-06:00

Any questions?

Steady as she goes, Ken

2006-05-11T19:22:00.000-06:00

Thank fucking God we've got Ken's steady hand leading our ship (that's our ship up above...the one sinking). I would hate to think what might happen if we had a Cap'n who perhaps thought about pinch running for Frank Thomas in the 8th inning of a game we trailed by 6 runs. I don't even want to know. Luckily, we've got Ken to make sure he runs the bases in a game hopelessly out of hand. And who could have ever predicted that leaving him in a game that had been long since decided could only have detrimental results, like oh, say, Frank pulling a quadriceps?

So the Macha count continues. So far this season he has cost us four games, Frank Thomas, and maybe Huston Street. And his lineups remain a confusing mystery to all but the criminally insane. That's some pretty impressive work by old Kenny. Pretty impressive indeed.

Steady as she goes, captain. Steady as she goes.

Great Solutions, by Ken Macha

2006-05-08T00:43:00.000-06:00

The team isn't hitting. With the exception of Swisher and Chavez, everybody sucks right now. There isn't much Macha can do when everybody sucks, but that doesn't stop him from still finding ways to fuck everything up. So far this season, there has only been one thing that was working in this lineup, and that was having Swisher and Chavez in adjacent spots in the order. Of course, once Ken saw that something was working, he couldn't break up those two fast enough. Now, we're getting steady doses of Crosby or Kotsay in the three spot separating Swish and Chavy, or worse, Swisher will be dropped down to seventh. God forbid we have a puncher's chance.

Of course, when there is a problem with the team, Macha makes sure to exacerbate said problem to the best of his abilities. As if the problem itself weren't bad enough, we have to be subjected to Macha's "problem solving" skills, which he apparently honed while earning his engineering degree at Pennsylvania's equivalent of DVC.


Quimby: Keep digging.  We're bound to find something!
Quimby: I guess we're not going to find anything.
Otto: Um, how are we going to get out of here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
Wiggum: No, dig up, stupid!

Macha is an amalgamation of Homer and Wiggum, for those wondering. As stated before, the team isn't hitting. One such player who isn't hitting is Mark Ellis. So let's take a peek into the brainstorming capabilities of Ken Macha, shall we?

Mark Ellis, who came into the day hitting .189, picked up four hits, including a solo homer off Mark Hendrickson (2-2) in the third. With Ellis slow to get going, A's manager Ken Macha had suggested a day earlier that he might alternate Ellis and Marco Scutaro more often, as he did at the start of last year.
-SF Chronicle

That's just fucking great, Ken. Do you remember what happened last year when you alternated Ellis and Scutaro? That's exactly right, you prolonged the time it took for Ellis to come out of his slump. Just check out Ellis' splits from last year. After a poor April and a relatively pedestrian May that saw Ellis get only 121 at-bats total, he really poured it on after that, increasing his OPS in every month, and for the period of July through September, Ellis was one of the most valuable players in baseball. And the reason it took so fucking long is because you kept insisting that Marco fucking Scutaro, who barely has enough talent for a major league roster, get all sorts of playing time. Let me help you out, Ken: Scutaro sucks. He's not clutch, he can't hit, and he can't field. If Hideki Matsui didn't play defense like a braindead, headless chicken, "Clutcharo" wouldn't exist. Let Ellis play. He's your guy. Give him a day off every now and then, but when you do, play Antonio Perez, who, with his 14 whole at-bats this year, is apparently the 2006 Adam Melhuse.

Ken's "solution" of having Ellis and Scutaro alternate starts is akin to having two cancer patients split the chemotherapy regimen that one such patient will normally undergo. Not only does it not solve any problems, but it actually manages to prolong the agony for each person.

And speaking of cancer's prolonging agony, Macha is still the manager. Unfuckingbelievable.

Look, Ken: Ellis is your guy. Even when he's not hitting, Scutaro isn't hitting either (because Scutaro sucks). And since Ellis is pretty much the best defensive second baseman in the American League (Scutaro sucks at fielding, too), your solution is quite literally the dumbest thing the universe has ever known since the last time you tried your hand at "thinking" (and failed miserably, naturally). So stick with Ellis. Give him his AB's. He'll come out of the slump, and when he does, we're going to have one of baseball's more valuable players on the roster. And even if he never hits like last year again, he's always better than Scutaro. Every day, every second, every game. Scutaro should have probably gotten about 40 at-bats all season. The fact that he has 40 on May 7th is troubling, and only serves to underscore the fact that Ken is a retard.

Anyway, this team has entered its annual May stretch of futility. They had a decent record last year before embarking on an East Coast trip that basically buried them. This team isn't playing well now, and I fully expect the Blue Jays and Yankees to beat us like rented mules, and we'll fall deep into May doldrums for the 49th consecutive year, all the while Ken continues to make small problems exponentially worse by "thinking."

Go team.

Cinco de My Oh My Fucking God

2006-05-06T11:15:00.000-06:00

Macha es estupido

Note: Picture borrowed without permission and then modified badly from PatheticsNation.

How does a team get 11 hits and 4 walks, but only one run? When Macha decided that he'd play a holiday edition of lineup construction, cleverly titled "The Cinco De Mayo fucking retard fuckup lineup from the asshole manager fun time special happy suckass manager fuck" lineup. Playing the part of the French? Logic and reason. Playing the part of the Spanish? Retarded lineups. And unfortunately, the French's impeccable battle record continued last night, as Macha set out probably the dumbest lineup he's ever made as a manager...and that's really saying something. Get a load of the crapulence that was last night's lineup:

Ellis
Kotsay
Crosby
Chavez
Thomas
Payton
Swisher
Kendall
Kielty

Yes, you're reading that correctly. The best hitter on the team, and currently one of the best hitters in baseball was batting SEVENTH last night. Apparently Ken decided that Jay Payton's lethal .450 OPS against lefties was just too important to drop down in the the order, and that Swisher needed to be sandwiched by two of the worst hitters in baseball. Of course, Ken decided to go back to his trusty old standy of Crosby batting third, when he has no business of doing so, at least right now. Look, I like Crosby more than anybody, and I think it's only a matter of time until he morphs into a championship caliber player, but he isn't one right now. So stop sticking him in the 3-hole while your best hitter languishes way down in the order.

In the first inning, we had the bases loaded and two outs. Our best hitter was on deck, watching helplessly as Jay Payton popped out to second base. Man, it sure would have been horrible if Swisher, who singled to lead off the 2nd inning, had gotten a chance to drive in some runs there, eh? I sure am glad that Payton was up there. And in the 9th inning, facing the worst closer in baseball, we had the 2-4 hitters up. Nick Swisher was unfortunately not one of them, and he never got a chance to bat before the game ended.

So yes, this is what happens when you have an idiotic lineup, Ken. The team gets 15 baserunners, and strands 14 of them. When will you ever learn? Good fucking god, Macha. Trying to find a working brain cell in your head is proving to be more difficult than tracking down Werner Von Braun in the mountains of Bavaria.

I'm placing this loss squarely at the retarded feet of Ken. I firmly believe that even a halfway decent lineup plates 4 runs last night. So this makes loss #4 that Ken is responsible for. Our record in the parallel universe (the wonderful, magical parallel universe) where Macha is not our manager is 19-10. Wow, that's a pretty good record, huh? It sure would be nice if Ken were dead. Nice work last night, dipshit.

In summation, Ken is an asshole.

Update: I was watching the game last night in between shots of tequila at a watering hole in the city (anybody ever been to that Gelato shop near Columbus? Wow that's good ice cream, or whatever the fuck Gelato is) , so my attention was not fully fixated on the action. But in the 6th inning, the camera from the FSNBA feed cut to Macha in the dugout, where I swear to god that queef was picking his nose. He may have just been scratching, I'm not sure. But if it was a pick, and somebody happened to Tivo the game or something, I would pay top dollar for a screengrab of that image. And when I say top dollar, I mean nothing. But seriously, somebody get me that image.

Street Sleeping

2006-05-02T12:21:00.000-06:00

There's gotta be a record of you some place
You've gotta be on somebody's books
The low-down, the picture of your face
Your injured looks
-Dire Straits "On Every Street."

We were promised that Huston Street would finally return from his "minor" pectoral injury yesterday. And all throughout yesterday's game, I was stoked that we would have that guy available to protect a 1 run 9th inning lead. However, when the game returned from commercial break, I saw a silhouette that resembled Justin Duchscherer standing on the mound. "Where's Huston?" I said to myself. "Fucking goddamnit. He's still injured. The A's have been lying to us all along."

I don't know if this injury had anything to do with Macha's kickass usage of the guy early in the season, but here's what we do know: It has now been 15 days since Street suffered his injury, which means if the A's weren't so intent on lying to us all the damn time, they could have brought up another arm from Sacramento if they would have just placed Admiral Aw-Shucks on the disabled list. That extra arm might have been useful for the all the games when the starter managed to go about 3 innings before crapping out. Or, in other words, that might have been useful for all the games.

Anyway, we'll just assume that Street has some terminal chest muscle injury, and schedule his funeral for the next off day. Because clearly, he's never coming back. Ever.

And this might be Macha's fault. And if it is, Macha deserves the death penalty. By my count, this makes approximately 316 death penalties that Macha has earned in his tenure as manager.

So, thanks Macha.

There's a hole in the bucket, Loaiza Loaiza

2006-04-30T00:06:00.000-06:00

You know, if I didn't spend most of my free time perfecting my photoshop skills, I'd probably start a blog called "Fire Loaiza." Unfortunately, I'll just have to bitch about him here.

What a fucking Lo-oozer (it's a pun....a play on "loser" and "Loazia." God damn I'm fucking funny. Also, I'm drunk right now) this guy is, huh? He can almost dial up his fastball to geologic speeds. I mean, jesus fucking christ, continental drift has more velocity. Luckily, Captain Alacrity only had to see him allow 10 batters reach in a whopping one inning of work before he took him out. 5 runs, 6 walks, and one mammoth grand slam in one plus inning. Another stellar start, Stevie Wonder-how-the-fuck-you-got-21-million-dollars (that's another play on words, with like three different levels of hilariousness. Did I mention that I was drunk?).

And now word comes out that Justin Duchscherer has tendinitis, and might be out awhile. That's what some dude at the bar said, anyway. This comes on the heels of Huston Street's "minor" injury that for some reason has taken about two years to heal. And Rich Harden has already started serving one of his two annual six week DL stints that are so fun. And Milton Bradley probably needs knee replacement surgery. So far, 2006 is starting out a lot like 2005 did. You know, with everybody dead. And I hate to play spoiler, but 2006 is going to end up a lot like 2005 did, too. You know, with the A's disappointing, and Macha being an idiot all year? And then people will point to the injuries. But I just wrote that article, I guess. So fuck it.

But yeah, Loaiza sure is a fucking waste of money, huh? That's one thing he has in common with Ken Macha. They're both big, fat, useless wastes of money. And Kendall is, too. I bet Kendall can throw harder than Loazia, though. How embarrasing for Esteban. Kendall can't even get the ball back to the pitcher's mound without bouncing it like thirty times. And I don't really have a great conclusion to this article, which sort of works out perfectly because I had a pretty crappy beginning and middle, but I really hate Loaiza, and we lucked the fuck out that the game was postponed, but if Loaiza makes one more start, I'm probably going to kil someone. And hopefully it's Macha. Or maybe Flanders.

Fuck it. My phone's ringing. Time to drink more beer.

Fuck Macha.

Bring out yer dead

2006-04-28T16:45:00.000-06:00

With news recently coming out that Rich Harden has been placed on the DL, you astute fans out there can probably figure out that this will be one of Rich's two annual six week DL stints. Yeah, the A's said it was a minor injury. They also said Street's was minor, and he's been out about two weeks. Bobby Crosby can't make it until noon without hurting himself, and Milton Bradley is now injured, as well.

But hey, there's good news: Esteban Loazia is expected to make his next start. Oh wait, did I say good news? Yeah, I meant more bad news. Loaiza will never get injured, he'll just always suck. Ditto Jason Kendall.

So what does this all mean for the A's? It means that once again the Ken Macha apologists have a ready-made excuse for when the 2006 season plays itself out exactly like 2005 did, and 2004 before that. "But everybody was injured," they'll cry. "Macha was managing a morgue, not a baseball team." And such and such.

And that's complete and total rubbish.

Ken Macha has already cost the A's three games by being a complete fuck-vagina. It doesn't matter who is pitching if Macha is going to leave him out there too long. It doesn't matter who's on the field if Macha won't pinch hit for Kendall when the A's absolutely have to have a quality at-bat. Last year when Harden was on the DL, we sat through a Ryan Glynn start when Macha sat on his fat ass (as usual) and watched Glynn, who had not had any command all game long, walk the bases loaded in the 4th before a hard hit groundball ended the inning. Any idiot in their right mind would have taken him out, but not 'ol Zen Master Ken. No, Ken was content to sit back and watch Glynn give up basehits to the first three batters of the 5th inning, included among them Jose Reyes and Kaz Matsui. He left Glynn in to face Carlos Beltran, who promptly homered off him.

When all was said and done, a 3-1 A's lead had turned into a 5-3 deficit. Game over, A's lose.

So what does this mean for the A's?

It means that Ken Macha's a fucking idiot, that's what.

What difference does it make who starts if Macha isn't going to know when to pull him? There is going to come a point when either Saarloos or Gaudin or Halsey need to come out of the game. Ken Macha is going to leave them in too long, and the A's are going to lose. The Ryan Glynn example from above hardly sits on its own island of stupid Macha decisions. We've already seen it happen two times this year, and we'll likely see it about a dozen more. And when it does, all the idiots will stand up and proclaim, "Well what was Macha supposed to do? Rich Harden was on the DL!"

And that's exactly my point. If you don't understand, you probably never will.

Because a world without breasts....

2006-04-27T14:21:00.000-06:00

....is Japan.

And we've already got too many Japans.

Now, we here at firemacha don't advertise just anything on our site. And until today, we'd never advertised anything at all. We shun all causes. We think people who give to charities would be better served if they spent that money instead on eight-balls and dubs. Screw curing cancer, there's coke-whores to be fucked. And big rims to drive on. But this cause is just too good. One of your fellow A's fans came up with a great idea that will embiggen the average breast size in the United States.

And that's a good thing.

A very good thing.

So check out myfreeimplants.com. Sign up for an account, and give a dollar or two to some small tittied ho-bag that will make empty promises of polishing your knob or letting you fist her anus for your hard earned cash, and then completely ignore your dark blue balls while laughing all the way to the wealthy record executive that her larger breasts will enable her to date, futher lessening the pool of women available to you.

See how this works, you horny loser?

Now...check out the site.

A Retard's Dozen

2006-04-26T12:02:00.000-06:00

Who'd have ever thunk that seven bullpen arms wouldn't be enough? Sounds like a plethora of pitchers. But when you're forced to rely on Chad Gaudin in the bottom of the 9th of a tie game with the top of the Ranger lineup coming to the plate, you know 12 pitchers just isn't enough.

But I guess it doesn't how matter how many pitchers to give Macha. He just can't manage a bullpen.

What could have possibly made him think that putting in Gaudin would put us in the best position possible to win? It was a stupid move.

Why does Ken Macha continue to hate on Kiko Calero and his 0.00 ERA? Kiko had pitched just once in the previous three days. A good manager would have used him with Mathews, Young, Teixeira and possibly Nevin coming up in the bottom of the 9th. Not our Macha. He figured having a guy make his first appearance of the year in this situation was the best move.

Gotta throw him in the water. See if he can swim.

Calero would have given us the best chance to extend the game. I know he had worked just one night before, but Gaudin hadn't been in a game in eight days. And Calero's pitched in back-to-back games 11 times since he's been an A. His ERA in the second game is 2.70. You gotta take your chances with the proven veteran there.

If pressed, Macha could have used Gaudin against the likes of Barajas and Jimenez. Not against Young, Teixeira, Nevin and Blalock. It was just a dumb thing to do.

What makes Macha's decision even worse is that Texas had already used all of their good relivers. Alfonseca and his 1.69 ERA were done. Otsuka and his 2.70 ERA were done. They only had guys like Ron Mahay, Fabio Castro and CJ Wilson left in the bullpen. When things got dicey in the 9th for Francisco Cordero, Rick Bauer started warming up in the bullpen.

Rick. Bauer.

The same Rick Bauer that has given up 14 hits in 11.2 innings this season.

Because Mahay, Castro and Wilson are all left-handed, Buck surely would have gone with Bauer in the 10th with three righties (Kendall, Ellis and Payton) due up.

Bauer's BAA this season versus righties is .357.

I guess maybe he would have stuck with Cordero. But he wasn't exactly in top form either.

Why is Macha so retarded that he couldn't see that their bullpen was vulnerable? Wilson and Mahay had worked the night before. And they suck.

Extend the game, make them exhaust their bullpen and put yourself in a better position to win today's AND tomorrow's game. It's basic strategy.

Alfonseca and Otsuka have now pitched two days in a row. After last night's the blowup, Cordero will most likely be unavailable too. But Macha let Showalter rest the rest of their relievers. They may be crappy. But they'd be even crappier if they had to work two days in a row. So not only did Macha fuck us last night, he's already fucked us today too.

Amazing.

You Say You Want a Revolution

2006-04-24T16:36:00.000-06:00

Look...it's April, and Macha is the manager. Of course the A's are going to suck. With a current record of 8-11, people begin to panic. However, if we were currently 11-8 like we would be if we had any other manager in the game (taking into account the three games that cockface has cost us), there wouldn't be panic.

I have it on first hand knowledge that at least two prominent players on the team, as of October 2, 2004 (and who are both still on the team) hate Macha and think he's a fucking fuckmonkey fuckwad (which he is). Well, the total is probably more than two, because the players are beginning to stage a revolt.

"I don't know what inning it was," said A's manager Assface McGee, "but some bubble gum flew and hit me in the back of the head."

And don't think for one second that we haven't noticed how ironic it is that Macha was assaulted by some chewing gum. I mean, that's genius! I hadn't even thought of how deliciously ironic it would be to kill Macha with a bag of gum. That would be like forcing Vanna White to eat Alphabet Soup until she died, or beating Tom Cruise to death with a book called "How Not to Act like a Complete Psycho All the Time." And I don't think this is a case of accidental irony where a series of coincidences lead an outside observer to believe that some party knows more than they actually do; that's stuff for a Leslie Nielson movie. This is purely premediated, geniusical (adverb form of genius), deliciously evil irony. Awesome work, guys. Hopefully next time you'll start throwing knives or grenades at his head, but this is a good start.

"You call it frustration, but other people say they have fire," Macha said. "There was a little fire coming out of the dugout when the game was over, not frustration. And when you don't win, some guys throw things. That's fire."

Seriously, Ken. It doesn't get any more ferocious than flying sunflower seeds. Jeez, what if they put out somebody's eye? But that's ok, because the team has fire. And that fire will hopefully continue with your timely (notice the lack of 'un') death, when we will finally have a chance to win some games.

"But when you talk about destruction (of Macha)
Don't you know you can count me IN."
-John Lennon

John Lennon's prescient lyrics have obviously been taken to heart by our beloved Athletics. And while Ken Macha may be a retard eight days a week, the players have shown that All You Need is Gum (to kill him with). I expect to be dancing and peeing on Macha's casket any day now.

Don't you know know it's gonna be... alright? Once Macha is dead, of course.

Swisha Da Wigga

2006-04-24T11:32:00.000-06:00

Nick Swisher is an interesting character. He talks a lot. He thinks he's black. And a good ol' country boy.

Interesting.

This off-season, I thought Swish would have a rough go of it this year. That hasn't proven to be the case. He's off to a really good start. Take a quick perusal of the internet and you'll find mixed reactions regarding Swish. Some believe he's "evolving". Others say he's already "made the leap". Then there's the skeptics who toss around words like "fluke" and "hot streak".

So let's take a look at the numbers.


Year       Team(s)         AB   Avg   OBP  Slg%  BB/K BB/PA  K/PA
2002  Vancouver/Visalia   227  .242  .360  .410  .661  .143  .217
2003  Modesto/Midland     476  .256  .363  .447  .624  .136  .218
2004  Sacramento/Oakland  503  .266  .400  .523  .925  .178  .192
2005  Oakland             462  .236  .322  .446  .500  .105  .211
2006  Oakland              61  .328  .397  .787  .400  .088  .221

The most surprising thing about Swisher's start has got to be his average. It's never been spectacular. Hell, it's never been decent. But as high as he's bumped up his average is this season, his OBP hasn't made the same leap. As a matter of fact, he's walking at a lower rate than he ever has.

Is this because he's being more aggressive at the plate?

Probably.

Last season Swish saw 4.13 pitches per plate appearance. That was 8th best in the league. This year he's at 3.79 #P/PA. That's about 40 spots lower. I'd say that was a pretty significant drop.

But the rise in average, OBP and Slg% is probably more significant. And important. So if Swisher's going to keep knocking the snot out of the ball, he stop walking. He can even keep doing that silly hippity hoppy handshake with Milton Bradley.

But here's the bad part: Swisher's still striking out. And striking out a lot. Take a look again at Swisher's K/PA rate throughtout is professional career. It's been pretty consistent. The guy will strikeout about once every five plate appearances. That's still the case this year. In fact, his K/PA rate is slightly higher than it's ever been. He's on pace to strike out 135 times this season. That's ridiculously high. I'd tend to think that it means he's going to get figured out. Guys that strikeout a lot and walk a lot tend to be successful, but guys with high strikeout rates and low walk rates don't. And Swish ain't walking.

Now if history tells us that Swisher will strikeout a lot and hit for a low average and he's STILL striking out a lot, why is his average so high this year?

Zach, from Elephants in Oakland, believes that a good part of Swisher's success this year has been because he's really been punishing pitchers on mistakes.

"I made a couple of bad pitches and they took advantage of them."

--Mike Mussina, on the homeruns he gave up to Nick Swisher and Eric Chavez

Swisher's first homer off of Carlos Silva was a good piece of hitting on a 91 mph fastball that was left over the plate. Swish took it the other way for an opposite field shot. Swisher clobbered an 0-0 92 mph inside fastball off of Silva later in that game.

Padilla left a fastball up and over the plate that Swisher pulled for his fourth homer of the year.

(If I could figure out how come I can't save screen caps from the MLB media player, I'd post some pics. Maybe some of you nerds could help me out.)

"I tried to guide it in there, and I guided it down the middle of the plate."

--Justin Verlander, on the first HR he gave up to Swisher

"I was thinking, 'Here comes the change,' twice. The first time, he threw a fastball, and I swung anyway and fouled it off. The second time, I said, 'Here comes the change,' and you've just got to believe it was coming."

--Nick Swisher, on the second HR he hit off of Verlander

Swisher's grand slam came off of a Jeff Weaver breaking ball that really hung up there good.

Yesterday, Nick turned on a high, inside fastball from Escobar.

I'd stop with the fastballs middle in, if I was writing the book on how to figure out Swish. He's pummeling those pitches pretty good. Are those pitches "mistakes"? I don't know if I'd go so far as to say that they were "bad" pitches, but they ARE pitches he can certainly handle.

The interesting part will be to see how Swisher adjusts when guys start working him away, away, away. He hasn't shown with any amount of consistency that he can take those the other way. Hopefully, he can adjust better than Dan Johnson.

So IS Nick evolving as a hitter?

Maybe. He's changing some. Taking advantage of pitches he can handle early in the count, instead of working deep into counts. So far the results have been really good, but I don't think I'm at all ready to say that he's the "real deal".

I'm still very concerned that he's striking out. He's 0-4 with three strikeouts and just one walk on full counts this year. With a full count, a good hitter will either 1) battle until they get a good pitch to hit or 2) battle until they draw a walk. Swisher's striking out. That worries me.

I worry that he won't adjust. That the average and power will go away when he's continually getting worked away. And with the walks diminishing and the increasing strikeouts, that could be bad news.

I guess we'll see.

The Return

2006-04-24T11:12:00.000-06:00

So where have I been you ask? And if you did not ask that, you sure as hell should. My break from the firemacha insanity was started by a major malfunction on my pornography machine (computer) last week which resulted in me having to have my hard drive replaced. Luckily the guy, who by my estimation had never been laid, at the local computer emporium was not only able to replace my hard drive, but fetch all of my data on the old hard drive so I would not lose all of the stuff that took me years and years to compile. I salute him for this task and hope that when he returns to his home tonight he is greeted by a horny woman at his doorstep whose car had just by chance broken down in front of his house. And who among us hasn't been there?

It was just vapor lock.

I don't know what disappoints me more, the fact the A's are losing or the fact that Jason Kendall has turned into, as Mike Golic would say, "A bed wetting mama's boy."

You see, for the past 7 or 8 years the Elephants in Oakland have been what keeps me going in baseball season. My logic on this has always been if they can do it....we can do it. We being the Pirates of course. But the more you lose, the more hope I lose. Ken Macha needs to do his hometown some good and win a few games so he can once again inspire the hope we had when we all learned he would not be managing the Pirates.

Ha.

The one thing Billy Beane has in common with Kevin Towers is these two guys are the only GM's in baseball that have been completely bent over the bed rail and smacked on the permanent vertical smile by David Littlefield in a trade. Picture that if you will.

While the Jason Kendall trade did not bring us a player as great as Jason Bay (and he is great, so great I dream about him at night) the Kendall trade was just as big of a theft. Through some nifty horse trading Diamond Dave was able to trade Jason Kendall for Mark Redman and the ghost of Arthur Rhodes, who he then turned around and traded for the roided up ripped body that is Matt Lawton who was then dealt at the deadline for the genius Jody Gerut. Mark Redman on the other hand decided he would pick up his player option (to the tune of 4.5 million dollars) and play the 2006 season with the Pirates...only Diamond Dave would have none of this, and appearantly neither would Allard Baird. Baird not only traded for Mark Redman, but he gave up two useful relief prospects (Jonah Bayliss and Chad Blackwell....Blackwell average about 14 k's per 9 innings in the minors) AND picked up all of Mark Redmans salary.

Wow.

The only reason I didn't include Mr. Baird in the "GM's that got bent over by Diamond Dave" is because Allard Baird is like the Tara Reid of MLB GM's....everybody gets a turn. Speaking of which, could you imagine what that would be like at this point? It has to be like a big old roast beef sandwich just falling out all over the place. Disgusting.

And now, you're questions:

Question the first: Ghostofaspast asks:

How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball team in the world?

Answer: Here is the question you should have asked. How many times in history has a city been able to proclaim that they have the best football team in the world and at the same time the worst baseball AND hockey team in the world?

The answer to this I think is never. No city has ever seen so much joy in one time of the year only to be worked over in the groin area like we have been. To make matters worse, we don't even know how much longer we'll have our hockey team (which would could be pretty good in a year or two with young players like Sidney Crosby, or as Greg refers to him as, "Sidney Sweetnuts.") and we know that Kevin McClatchey, aka, Daddy Warbucks, will never sell his team to someone who gives a damn as long as he keeps making 20 million dollars a year.

Thanks for making feel bad ghost.

On the bright side we've got less than a week until the Steelers draft their next all-pro after 30 or so teams passed on him to pick some guy that ran a 4.2 40 and bench pressed a house.

Question the second: Roman asks:

If Ryan Doumit is such an offensive All-Star why does he only have two rbi? HUH!??!?

Answer: Obviously, this is a response to my rant about the guy who was talking jive on Jason Bay for only having two rbi (after like, 6 games)....touche roman. Toufuckingche. Of course, I do have an answer to this. It's a couple part problem.

1. He's currently injured.
2. He plays for the Pirates, thus he never has a chance to get RBI.
3. Humberto Cota plays for the Pirates at the same position Ryan Doumit plays (Yes...THE Humberto Cota).
4. Jim Tracy manages the Pirates which makes #3 a crucial point.

Before Ryan Doumit got hurt Jim Tracy took it upon himself to name Humberto Cota the starter because Tracy "didn't like the way Doumit set up his target behind the plate."

I swear to God. That was his reasoning. He didn't like his target.

Of all the Macha-esque little league things....

Question The Third: darthmoridin asks:

How fast can Uncle Steve bring it? I gotta imagine that he would put the fear of God into batters lumbering in from the bully, swigging on a can of Natural Light as he takes the mound.

Answer: This one took a little research, so I decided to call Uncle Steve and ask him if he ever took part in the grand game of baseball. He said that yes, as a matter of fact he did. Naturally I was a little surprised by this, so I asked him how fast could bring it?

"Bring what?" he responded.

"Your fastball," I said.

"My fastball?"

"Yeah, your fastball."

"What do you mean how fast can I bring it?

"How hard can you throw it."

"Well, I could imagine that I could break a window if I wanted to."

"I see."

Fast enough to break a window. Somehow I can picture him trying to time his fastball with the speedometer in his car.

Question the fourth:

If Ken Macha and Jim Tracy were forced to fight in a steel cage death match who would be the winner and what impact would this have on the universe as a whole?

Answer: The winner would be the fanbase of the loser and the impact on the universe would be beyond measuring.

Sleepless Nights

2006-04-21T14:28:00.000-06:00

Editor's Note: I've replaced AthleticsNation in the blogroll with the hippest, most dopest, friggity fresh blog to evah hit the da 'net.

Okay, so it was just one night. But I actually did lose sleep last night because of Macha. First time this season that's happened to me. My mind kept racing. There were several factors that contributed to this:

1) Macha's douchebaggery,
2) Extra Innings with Robert Buan,
3) AthleticsNation.

But I guess I brought it all upon myself because I:

1) watched the game, instead of actually working,
2) have ears, and
3) decided to visit the most popular weblog in all the land.

I laid there in bed still dissecting Macha's pathetic bullpen management over the past week. My mind was trying to comprehend how someone so smart (Macha took Calculus, you know) could be so stupid. I was thinking of how Macha's left the bullpen in shambles with a series against a division rival starting tonight.

And that's where I'll begin my little tirade today. (Talk about a lousy segue.)

Street's definitely unavailable, Duchscherer should be unavailable and the last time Saarloos went in back-to-back games was September 21st and 22nd...of 2003. At least Kiko Calero's fresh. Too bad Macha won't use him.

I thought Macha was going to use him on Tuesday. But that crazy rascal pulled the ol' switcharoo on me. On all of us.

Holding a slim one-run lead, Macha got Calero up with two outs in the top of the 8th. I couldn't believe my eyes. Macha was about to do something right! He was going to rest Huston Street.

You see, Street had worked in three of the previous four days. And that last game didn't go so well. Because he was being overworked. By our retarded manager.

So, here I am, telling everyone in the Elephants in Oakland webchat that Macha's doing the right thing. That Street could really use two days off instead of just one. Some jackass chimes in saying that Street needs to get back on the horse as soon as possible. I say he can get back on the horse after one more day of rest.

After an uneventful top of the 8th, Mark Kotsay leads off the bottom of the inning for our team. With ZERO outs and a 1-2 count on Kotsay, Street gets up. Calero had sat down between innings.

I couldn't believe my eyes. Why the hell did he get Calero up?

Our two, three and four hitters were still going to bat. What if we scored two or three more runs? Was he then going to sit Street and get Calero back up.

And, serioulsy, what the hell did he get Calero up for with TWO outs and the bases EMPTY in the top of the inning? He wasn't going to be bailing Duchsherer out a jam. There was no jam.

I still can't understand the logic behind getting Calero up in the 8th if he wasn't going to use him in the 9th. I don't think I'm being unreasonable here. What the fuck did he get him up for? Why didn't he just rest Street?

Much to my surprise, Street retired the three batters he faced without incident. I honestly believed he was going to get knocked around a little. But he didn't. And I was happy that our A's came away with the win.

But what's this?

Street strained a muscle?

On Tuesday?

When he should have been resting?

Ya' don't say?

OF FUCKING COURSE HE STRAINED A MUSCLE!!! That's gonna happen when Kenny Retarded thinks his closer is a fucking mule!

Now, I'm no doctor. I'm just a common man. A simple man. Not a supernatural man. Not an especially smart man. I'm just a dude. I like beer and baseball. Boobies and cage fighting. Lesbos and Chinamen.

I haven't spent a significant portion of my life deeply entrenched in this game of baseball. I've never been in a Major League clubhouse or dugout. Hell, I've never even kept score at a game.

I'm just a guy.

And if an simple fella like me can see that Huston Street could use another day off, why can't Ken Macha and his staff of retards?

But, hey, at least the kid's got his confidence back.

I keep thinking about how this all could have been avoided if Macha hadn't have brought Street into the 9th inning of a game in which we were trailing by three. Yup, trailing. Not leading. Trailing.

We hadn't scored three runs in eight innings that day. We sure as hell weren't going to score three in the final one. Sometimes you gotta know when to fold 'em. I think that would have been the perfect time to use the new mop-up man, Kiko Calero. With 11 games in the following 12 days, Street might, you know, be needed when we were actually leading a game in the 9th inning.

But, alas, Macha Mongoloid brought in Street to keep the game within reach. And he promptly gave up a run. Throwing 25 pitches in the process. Forcing Macha to bring in Calero anyway.

Macha's going to make like a million dollars this year. Unbelievable.

So, I've got my opinions on Macha. But for some stupid reason, I like to get other points of view. So I listened to Extra Innings after the game yesterday. Something I rarely do. I gotta admit, it was pretty enjoyable. I guess that's because everyone was (rightfully) bashing Macha. But there was everyone's favorite Filipino standing up for the silver-haired stallion.

"Wouldn't you agree that Macha's an idiot?"

--Joe in Walnut Creek

Joe in Walnut Creek might actually be Bob in Berkeley or Dan in Des Moines. That part isn't really important. What IS important is Buan's continual dick sucking (JoeSpeaker says that's a newspaper term) of Ken Macha.

"Well, the A's HAVE had winning seasons each of Macha's three years at the helm."

"Well, sometimes the manager pulls all the right strings and the players don't come through."

"Well, why is that the Macha gets the blame for the losses, but the players get the credit for the wins?"

Well, how 'bout you just shut the fuck up? Or grow a pair and call it like it is. The beat writers sure as shit aren't going to do it.

Oh, you haven't heard? Angel Hernandez is the one that cost the A's yesterday's game. Not Macha. Duchscherer's the one that couldn't hold on to the lead. Macha didn't pull him too late. Scutaro wasn't an option to pinch-hit for Johnson because he's righty. But, wait, doesn't Jason Kendall bat right-handed? How come no one asked why he didn't get pinch hit for?

'Cause they're pussies. Big, fat, loosened-labiaed pussies.

That's why we got blogs. To tell it like it really is.

Right?

"In the past week, Haren, Loaiza, and Blanton have combined for four outings in which they were shelled (I'm not even counting Zito's second stinker), while Street and Duke have blown saves.
If 3 of your starters, your closer, and your set-up man are going to perform very badly next time they pitch, how good a manager are you going to look like?
Not very good. And when fans start complaining, "Why didn't he put in Saarloos sooner?" in save situations, you know it's gotten bad.
Can't we just accept that the team is playing badly right now, with everyone doing just enough to lose? It happens."

--Nico, AthleticsNation

Guess no one over there noticed that in the past week, Haren threw 8 innings of one-run ball. Or that Loaiza had his best start as an A, giving up three earned runs in six innings pitched. That's 14 innings (out of a possible 18) with a combined 2.57 ERA. Yeah, they really got their asses handed to them.

I mean, why let facts get in the way of your smugness?

Me and my Cellular Banana won't be making the mistake of vising that homerfest again anytime soon.

One more thing -- if they players write the lineup, why is Bobby Crosby still batting 3rd? The guy still can't grab the bat with his entire left hand. To struggle is one thing, but to be physically unable to perform to the best of your abilities is another. Maybe drop him down in the order until he's 100%? Call me crazy, but having a guy batting one-handed in the most important spot in the lineup might not be the best idea in the world. It's just a thought.

And if there's a positive going into the series with the Angels, it's that their bullpen is kind of spent too.

Innings Pitched, Last 3 Days
            4/18   4/19   4/20
Rodriguez     -     1.0    1.1
Shields      2.0    1.2     -
Donnelly      -     0.2    0.2
Romero       0.1    0.2     -
Gregg         -      -     4.0

Yan's been gettin' the Calero treatment, so he's fresh, but each of their four top relievers have worked twice in the past three days. If our sluggers can get to Lackey early tonight, we might not be too fucked. Lackey's 6-1 with a 3.24 ERA against us in 13 career starts, so that's probably easier said than done. But you know me, always the eternal optimist.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blown save and failed rally equal A's loss
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Zito flashes high side in Jekyll-Hyde season
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito still struggling a bit despite improved results
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Street's pec minor a minor concern?
Gary Peterson, Contra Costa Times

Blanton needs his space
Glenn Reeves, Oakland Tribune

Trumpet Guy : Musician, A's booster
Brenda Payton, Oakland Tribune

Former Cat Stanley is shifting career gears
Tim Casey, Sacramento Bee Staff Writer (Registration Required)
-Comment: Dan Meyer again pitched well for Sacramento. Bobby's got an interview with Dan up at A's Future.

Hounds fall to Corpus Christi again
Len Hayward,Midland Reporter-Telegram
-Comment: After reading Von Hayes' comments, I believe he and Ken Macha should swap jobs. Not that I have anything against the Midland organization.

Ports swing and miss, and miss, and miss, in latest loss
Scott Linesburgh, Stockton Record

Bieker heats up with winning streak
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Macha ist ein Arschloch

2006-04-20T20:10:00.000-06:00

On Hitler's birthday, Macha ethnically cleanses the Athletics
"The losing race is the only race," says General Macha.

The Allied Athletic Forces had their hands full today. Just like Germany at two periods in its history, they proved unable to defeat two foes at once, each attacking from a different flank. The Athletics had to deal with the Detroit Tigers launching an offensive from the East, and Ken Macha launching his own offensive from the South (south as in fucking us in the ass). As April is the cruelest month to be fighting two opponents at once, the Athletics, just like Germany at two periods in its history, ended up fighting so poorly and surrendering so readily. The armistice was signed at approximately 3:20 pm on Thursday, April 20, 2006. While all the terms of the agreement have yet to be made available to the media, sources have confirmed that one major concession made by the Athletics is that they have agreed to add one to their ever growing loss column. Analysts are currently debating whether this agreement will be as harmful to the Athletics as the Treaty of Versailles was to Germany; while none are saying that this agreement will be pretty much 100% responsible for another World War, as was the Versailles Treaty, there is much consternation that the fact that General (General Fuck Munch, that is) Macha will not be sent to the Hague to face military tribunals for his war crimes against humanity may eventually lead to a Civil War, as the citizens of Oakland are getting restless that the continued presence of General Macha will only lead to the forced signings of further hindering armistices in the future.

With Lieutenant Street nursing wounds and unable to lead his platoon, Captain Duchscherer was promoted to Commander to lead the troops into the Battle of McAfee. Unfortunately, Captain Duchscherer was unaware of the military cuts forced through by Democratic policy makers who diverted those funds in order to create self-homage libraries in the middle of Bumblefuck Iowa, and the grenades he thought he was firing at the Detroit Tigers turned out instead to be meatballs. Easily absorbed, the Tigers fought back with powerful rocket blasts pelted all over the battlefield. Before anyone had a chance to collect themselves, any advantage the Athletics had was gone, and they were in danger of losing.

Seeing that Captain Duchscherer was unable to handle the responsibilities of his hasty promotion to Battle Commander, the allied forces called on Lance Corporal Saarloos to lead the brave men. Unfortunately, General Macha was aware of their plan, and would not let this happen. Sitting on his own fat ass like the great general he is, Captain Duchscherer was forced to remain on the battlefield with only his meatballs to protect him. Before long, the hometown heroes found themselves on the wrong end of a losing score, and all hope seemed lost. But just then, the tides seemingly turned. As General Macha turned to celebrate the historic day by taking a fat bong rip, the allied forces brought in Lance Corporal Saarloos.

Leaders aren't made, leaders are born. And Saarloos was a born leader. He quickly navigated his way out of the pickle, and when privates first class Chavez and Bradley had opened fire, the Athletics quickly found themselves with newfound hope. And when the Tigers' bullets missed Nick Swisher, the allied forces had the winning man just 180 feet away.

But just then, General Macha sprang into action. His outstanding reconnaissance work had told him that the Athletics had planned to replace private first class Kendall with somebody who could be described as NOT THE WORST FUCKING PLAYER IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE!!!!, Macha once again made the necessary maneuvers that wouldn't allow that to happen. Private first class Kendall, armed only with a wet noodle, was unable to get the job done. And when civilian Adam Melhuse was quickly finished off, the Battle of McAfee was over, and approximately 83 shellshocked spectators went home unhappy.

Hero is a word that sometimes gets thrown around all willy-nilly. A hero isn't just somebody good with a paintbrush or who can make a mean casserole. A hero is somebody who can singlehandedly change the entire fortunes of war; somebody who can turn the tides all by his lonesome. Somebody who can give hope to the hopeless, pride to the prideless, and losses to those who would otherwise win. And General Ken Macha is a hero. When others thought that there was no way he could stop the insertion of Corporal Saarloos or Private First Class Scutaro into the battle, he did just that. Nobody knows how, and nobody knows why, but he did just that. And singlehandedly, General Macha pinned the loss on the Allied Athletics.

For his efforts, General Macha was awarded the Medal of Asshole at a small ceremony in the parking lot. He has been assigned a security detail due to the large amounts of death threats he is getting. But today, April 20 2006, General Macha singlehandedly put the Oakland Athletics into a concentration camp. He then gassed them and killed them all.

"The losing race is the only race."
-General Ken Macha

Macha's Bullpen Mastery Continues

2006-04-20T17:17:00.000-06:00

Does Ken Macha hate Kiko Calero? The guy had faced exactly ONE batter since April 13th before today. One batter. He'd thrown seven pitches in the past seven days.

Since April 13th
             IP
Street       3.1
Halsey       3.0
Duchscherer  2.1
Kennedy      2.0
Witasick     2.0
Saarloos     1.2
Calero       0.1

Calero threw just 9 pitches in two-thirds of an inning today. You think maybe he could have AT LEAST started the 9th?

Duchscherer had his longest outing of the year just two days ago. You think maybe he could have used a day off?

The first four guys that Duchscherer faced all got on base via hit. After a failed sacrifice bunt, Duke threw about 47 pitches to Brandon Inge before walking him. Is it too much to ask to pull a struggling pitcher BEFORE he gives up the go ahead run? You think maybe Saarloos, an extreme groundball pitcher, could possibly get out of the jam BEFORE the Tigers take the lead?

Serioulsy, why can a dope like me see this shit, but our Major League manager can't?

Why is he so goddamned stupid? I mean, I'm not asking him to be extraordinarily smart. I'm just asking that he not be a total incompetent. That he just make basic baseball decisions. But this cocksucker can't do it. He just can't. It's un-fucking-believable.

And let me get this straight -- Macha will bat Melhuse for Dan Johnson, but not for Jason Kendall? The same Jason Kendall that can't hit a ball out of the infield. Why won't this assclown bat Melhuse for Kendall? WHY??? SOMEONE TELL ME?!?!

With only one out, a Melhuse fly ball ties the game. Yes, Melhuse struck out to end the game, but at that point only a hit or a walk would extend the game. His mindset is different with just one out.

Kendall has just one mindset..."Please hit me on the elbow. PLEASE hit me on the elbow."

And if Melhuse had failed, there were still options. Johnson could have hit for himself. Marco Clutcharo could have come off the bench. Payton. Perez. Kielty. Every single one of them would have been a better option than Kendall.

I officiate high school wrestling. Because of he amount of matches going on at the same time at a given tournament, they use "tappers" in lieu of buzzers to signal the end of a period. Usually, they'll get some high school punk to run out to the ref, count down from five and tap the ref when the clock hits zero. It's a pretty easy gig.

You just have to pay attention to the clock, walk to the ref, and tap.

Easy.

Well, during a match this year, I get a tap. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's three seconds left. I tell the kid not to tap me until the clock hit zero. He nods his fat head up and down.

Near the end of the second period, I see the kid out of the corner of my eye sprinting toward me like wasn't paying attention and was about to miss the tap. He gets to me and hurrily taps. I blow my whistle and stop the match. I look up at the clock and there's seven seconds left. I again explain to the kid not to tap me until the clock hits EXACTLY zero. Again he nods his fat head. I ask him if he's sure he understands. He says "Dur."

Dur???

This kid's a retard.

He didn't look retarded. But he was. So he got replaced by a non-retard.

Don't let Macha's suave good looks, flowing sliver hair, and superb gum-chewing techniques fool you.

He's a fucking retard. And needs to be replaced by a non-retard.

Not someone that's extremely intelligent. Not someone that's a great leader. Not someone that has a great passion for the game.

Just someone that isn't retarded.

The Line-Up makes me Crying-Up

2006-04-19T23:24:00.000-06:00

Crying-Up. Man oh man, does my cleverness know no bounds? Hmm....apparently not. Unfortunately.

But Jesus Christ. It's time to stop letting Macha write the lineups, and just start hiring ten year olds from birthday parties to put on a blindfold and pin a player's name to the lineup card. I'm 100% certain that this would actually make our lineups infinitely better. Get a load of the crap that Macha threw out there tonight:

1. Jason Kendall C
2. Mark Ellis 2B
3. Bobby Crosby SS
4. Frank Thomas DH
5. Milton Bradley RF
6. Jay Payton CF
7. Nick Swisher 1B
8. Bobby Kielty LF
9. Antonio Perez 3B

So let's recap:

1) The team's best hitter (Eric Chavez) is given the night off.
2) The team's worst hitter (Jason Kendall) is moved to leadoff.
3) Bobby Crosby and his amazing .507 OPS is hitting third.
4) Batting 6th is a .385 OPS. Batting 7th is a 1.163 OPS
5) Bobby Kielty is in the lineup, period.

Now, some of the assholes from asslickers nation might point out that Chavez has terrible lifetime numbers against Rogers, and that Kendall and Payton actually have pretty good success, historically, against him. They might further point out that even though Kielty's numbers against Rogers are bad, he overall hits lefties well. Heck, they'll say. Kendall reached base two times out of four plate appearances tonight. How's that crow taste, God? (yeah, people call me God instead of Greg....because I am one).

Here's the thing:

1) Kendall sucks.
2) Kielty sucks.
3) Payton sucks.

Jason Kendall used to be a really good baseball player. He has good lifetime numbers against a lot of pitchers. But he sucks now. His history is meaningless, as is the coincidence that he reached twice tonight. Bobby Kielty managed a .720 OPS in Sacramento this year. He struck out (8) as many times as he got a hit. Kielty sucks. Jay Payton sucks. He's had 39 at-bats this year. He's seen a total of 39 pitches.

If you want to rest Kotsay and his rather pedestrian .739 OPS against Rogers tonight, fine. Put in Payton, but don't bat him 6th. Payton can't hit. And if you're going to have Payton in the lineup, you've already sacrificed a lot of offense. That means you don't put Kielty in there as well. It just compounds the mistake. And for Greg's sake, you sure as shit don't bat the worst player in the American League leadoff. That triple compounds it. And you've already sacrificed some offense by resting your best hitter (the 2006 Chavez is a very different Chavez from year's past....at least so far), and replacing him with a lesser bat who has never faced Rogers before. That just quadruple compounded it. And you don't bat the guy who is 11 for his last 24 with eight extra base hits 7th. That just quintuple compounds it. And maybe, just maybe, Bobby Crosby, he of the legendary .507 OPS (including .126 with runners on base), shouldn't be batting third, the most important spot of the lineup. But that's just me. And that sextuple compounds it.

So congrats Macha...in a lineup with 9 batters, you only royally fucked up 6 of them. I didn't think it was possible for anybody to sextuple compound anything, but you've managed to do just that. This, coincidentally, is the only thing you've actually "managed" since 2003 (Greg knows you're sure as hell not managing this team), so congrats on that, too.

And a cynic would mention that once again, Macha didn't remove an ineffective starting pitcher until the killer blow had been delivered, but I'm not a cynic. Oh wait, yes I am. Macha once again waited too long to remove an ineffective starting pitcher. The fact that Saarloos sucked also doesn't exonerate Macha one bit. We didn't know that Saarloos would be terrible. In fact, his lifetime numbers against Detroit are very good.

No, Macha didn't cost us this game. But he was, once again, an asshole. We weren't going to score 12 runs tonight. We weren't going to even score 8 or 9, which is what Detroit probably would have scored had Macha actually managed. But he could have put out a lineup that at least makes some sense. Move Crosby, Kendall, and Payton down in the order. Move Swisher and Bradley up. You know, a rational lineup. Is that really too much to ask? Apparently so.

Ken Macha remains a Manager, And Complete Horse's Ass.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tigers' offense, Rogers tame A's
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Another slow start for Crosby, and he can't quite put his finger on it
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Younger players appreciate having Thomas' guidance
Jay Heater, Knight Ridder

TIGERS CORNER: Athletics rave about Verlander's fast rise
John Lowe, Detroit Free Press

A's top prospect showing his potential
Tim Casey, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)
-Comment: Through 12 games, Barton's OPS is 1.079

RockHounds Notebook
Oscar Leroy, Midland Reporter-Telegram
-Comment: Yesterday, Kirk Suzuki struck out for the first time this season.

Pitching outstanding again
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Bats carry Cougars past Silver Hawks
Chris James, NorthWest News Group
Comment: Vince Mazzaro has now allowed 10 ER in 15.0 IP, while only issuing 3 walks.

What is our Macha acronym?

2006-04-18T15:19:00.000-06:00

Rob Neyer: I just want to throw something in here . . . for a while (and maybe still today) Bill James was playing around with this toy, where you take the first letters of a player's last name and turn them into something else. For example, Left Outfielder, Not Good (Terence Long) and Brings Extensive Losing Log (Buddy Bell). A friend and I came up with Grew In Artificial Manner By Injection (Jason Giambi) and Works At Notching Groundouts (Chien-Ming Wang). Anyway, in this same vein, James Bulger just suggested that we change Clearly Identifiable Defensie Mistake (another Bill James invention) to Plain Error Not Acknowledged . . . or "PENA", in honor of Wily Mo Pena. (Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming...)

Joe: San Francisco, CA: How about for Bonds: Built On New Designer Steroids

Readers: Give me your best MACHA acronym in the comments section. The author of the best submission wins nothing.

My submission: Motherfucker-Asshole-Cockbrain-Herpes-Asswipe. It's got a nice ring to it.

An Open Letter to Ken Macha

2006-04-17T11:07:00.000-06:00

Dear Asshole,

I hate you.

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you because you're so fucking retarded. I hate you because you think Huston Street is Billy Koch. I hate you because Adam Melhuse only has 7 ABs this year (in which he has gotten 4 hits). I hate you because you DH'd Jay Payton and let Mark Kotsay play on that grass-colored concrete in Minnesota.

I hate you because you smell like pee.

I hate you because you somehow manage to leave your starters in too long AND over-use your bullpen. Really think about that one because it takes a real moron to pull that off.

I hate you because 50% of Huston Street's total innings pitched have come in the last three days. I hate you because one of the best pitching staffs in the league has a combined ERA of 5.26. Five. Point. Two. Six.

I hate you because you signed Esteban Loiaza.

I hate you because you didn't get that joke.

I hate you because you came crawling back for your job last October. I hate you because only Eric Chavez had more plate appearances than Jason Kendall last year. I hate you because you trotted out Scott Hatteberg day after fucking day last season. I hate you because in the three years under your "management", lefty specialist Ricardo Rincon faced as many right-handed batters as he did lefties. I hate you because the players like you. I wish they hated you too.

I hate you because I'm smarter than you. You took Calculus? I took Calculus III, motherfucker.

I hate you because Eric Byrnes didn't touch home plate. I hate you because Miguel Tejada stopped running. I hate you because you pinch hit for Dye. I hate you because Tim Hudson got into a bar fight. I hate you because you started Mark Mulder in the most important game of the year. I hate you because you hired Chris Speier as your bench coach.

When I'm watching the NFL draft and you're not, I'm still going to hate you.

Because of you, I now hate gum. And I really used to like gum. Because of you, I now hate Billy Beane. And I really used to like Billy Beane.

I hate you because your the manager of my favorite team.

I hate you because you have ruined the game that I love so much.

I will always hate you,
Roman
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Street bobbles the save
After 21 straight successes, closer has first blown chance since July
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Haren's fastball is starting to come around -- and that's a good sign
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Loaiza's velocity a concern, but he will stay in rotation
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Meyer hits jackpot vs. Vegas
Scott Howard-Cooper, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

Midland hammers 26 hits to clobber Hooks at Citibank
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports complete sweep of Blaze
Stockton Record

You suck, Macha

2006-04-15T11:12:00.000-06:00

Like my professor said to me when I turned in my senior thesis entitled "The Upside of Gang Rape," you just don't fucking get it, do you?

Stop letting Kendall bat. When he came up in the 7th representing the tying run with two on and one out, there was only one way his at-bat was going to end, and that was with the double play that he shockingly hit into. Kendall is going to kill us this year the same way Hatteberg killed us last year, and you're not ever going to take him out the lineup, are you, Macha? What's that? Oh, right. I forgot. His intangibles, leadership, and great defense. I especially liked how he bounced yet another throw to second base last night. That was pretty shocking. I don't know where this team would be if we removed the worst player in the American League from the everyday lineup.

So anyway, you're currently protecting the team's best hitter with a double play machine. Everybody at the bar last night was hopeful after Swisher's base knock brought the tying run to the plate, and then everybody realized that Kendall was up, and the inning would soon be over.

One predictably weak infield chopper to third base later, the inning was over. No Melhuse. No chance to extend the inning. And once again, you were content to let the worst possible option go up there in a crucial situation. Same old Macha.

Yeah, Ellis hit into an inning ending double play with two on, and Chavy was up as the tying run in the 8th, and neither got the job done. But guys aren't always going to succeed. At least Chavy and Ellis are the teams best bets in those situations. Kendall is a total failure on every possible level. I don't care that he used to be good. He sucks now.

Macha is only capable of managing this team when things are going well. When the pitchers are pitching, the hitters are hitting, and the defense is fielding, everybody is quick to credit the steady hand of Sir sleeps-a-lot. But when moves need to be made, when minor adjustments are required, Macha fails miserably, every time. Just like he did last night, and just like he'll do again and again and again for the next three years.

You suck, Macha.

Look, retards.....

2006-04-14T16:06:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to say something real quick before I get back to trying to find the god damn raft in Legend of Zelda (no, I don't want any help). Man, has a cropping of Macha's head onto another picture ever been more appropriate than this one? Still, I'd take either of these two as manager over fuckface right now, if I could.

One common refrain I've seen from the Macha apologists (or "idiots," as I like to call them) is that if Macha is taking out his ineffective starters in the 3rd or 4th inning of every game, by August and September the bullpen will be toast. That's why it's necessary for Macha to cost us games in April, so that when the summer rolls around, he can do something else stupid to cost us games. Two points:

1) Our starting pitching is very good. There are going to be many stretches of games where the pitchers roll of consecutive 7 and 8 inning efforts, and the bullpen is not needed much.

2) When a bullpen guy needs a rest, give it to him.

Look, this isn't the playoffs. We don't need Street or Duchscherer to perform Yeoman's work to win these games in April for us. I don't want to see these guys headed to the hill for 5 or 6 days in a row, even if all those games are close. If Macha is backed into a corner by how much he used these guys in the previous couple of three games, sit them down. There may be a situation where we have to send Jay Witasick out to protect a one run 9th inning lead. And he may lose that game. That's the way the ball bounces. As a former distance runner, I used to slow down to a crawl on hills because I knew that the energy I saved could be better utilized on the straightaways. The season really IS a marathon, so you can't judge a snapshot in time and get an accurate gauge of what's going on. If we find ourselves on a "hill" where the relievers need rest, give it to them. We might get passed by a few runners, but we can make it up. April and May aren't crunchtime. But there's a huge difference between it not being crunchtime and managing like a moron. Marathon runners don't walk the first 10 miles, they just aren't sprinting like they will be for the final 2 or 3. Our main bullpen guys going 3 or 4 innings a week isn't a problem. Our main bullpen guys constantly going 3 or 4 games in a row is. However, this is an easy problem to avoid. And honestly, because of point #1 above, this isn't going to happen very often. We have an excellent staff, and once they find their stride, they are going to dominate a lot of ballgames.

So yes, Macha should have taken Haren and Loazia out a lot earlier than he did. Zito never should have pitched to A-rod. He should have put in Saarloos or Kennedy or Halsey, all of whom may have been similarly shit-whipped the way the starters were. Of course, we'll never know, will we? Macha once again decided that he would try to get lucky and steal an extra out or inning by leaving in tired and ineffective pitchers who had been getting hammered all day. And do you know what Loaiza's lifetime numbers against Torii Hunter are? I won't even say them, there's already enough profanity on this site. Bottom line, Loaiza shouldn't have been on the mound, and we lost that game by one run. So tell me, Macha apologists (or "idiots," as I like to call you), how was that loss not Macha's fault? The same goes for the Haren start.

The season is 10 games old, and Macha has already cost us 20% of it. Math has never been my strongest suit (that would be child pornography), but if Macha costs us 20% of the season, do you know how many losses he would be solely responsible for? That's right, a shitload.

It is absolutely unfathomable to me that there exist people who think Macha is doing a good job. And it is even more unfathomable that one of those people is Billy Beane. Unfuckingbelievable.

"Ken Macha has ruined the game of baseball for me."
-Roman

You and me both, brother. You and me both.

Fucked by Twins

2006-04-13T17:53:00.000-06:00

If somebody came up to you and offered you the opportunity to be fucked by Twins for three consecutive days, your initial thoughts would likely center on two hot blonde chicks licking your balls, stroking your knob, and fetching you beers at your request. Of course, real life rarely follows a fantasy path, and in all likelihood what you'd be getting would moreso resemble the above pictured portly femmes rather than the Olsen Twins (they may look like 11 year old boys, but they're of age, fellas!).

Of course, we A's fans just spent the last three days getting fucked by 24 barrel-chested behemoths and Nick fucking Punto. And that's just how Macha likes it. You see, this morning's game was a lost cause almost from the get go. A tired team playing like crap on getaway day got its scrotums handed to them by a pretty crummy pitcher (standard Tony Mounce theory at work here). Of course, it would have been a lot easier to take had Macha not cost them the first two games of the series by being an asshat. They'd have walked out of there with a series win, and a nice little road trip.

Of course, just like everything else, Macha ruined that dream. When they asked Macha how he'd feel about getting fucked by twins for 72 consecutive hours, the first thing he asked for was those fat motorcycle twins. Told they were booked at a rib-eating festival in Tennessee this week, he then decided that he'd like the Twins from Minnesota to bend us over, lube up our anuses (anusi?) and insert their needle dicks in and out of there all week long. And Macha even managed to fall asleep before his post fuck-cigarette, too. What a jackass.

So we trudge home in the midst of yet another mediocre April at the hands of our well below mediocre manager. If you guys don't think we'll tread water for the next 6 weeks, then kick nuts for the following three months, and then collapse in September, I don't know what to tell you. We've seen this story before. If they ever want to make a sequel to Groundhog Day, jesus, this story practically writes itself. They can pull Murrysville Macha out of the ground, have him sleep through the shadow viewing, and then hell lasts for another three year contract. We could probably get Bill Murray if he hasn't gone completely insane by then, which he might already be.

Fucking Macha.

Everything Comes in Two's

2006-04-12T20:30:00.000-06:00

And why shouldn't they? Playing in the TWIN cities, Macha decided that he wanted to let the A's lose their SECOND consecutive game to the TWINS the exact same way he let them lose the first: by leaving in a starter to give up another homerun that proved to be the gamewinner.

Last night, after watching Haren leave everything up all game long, he decided to send him out for the 5th, only to watch Justin Morneau hit in what would prove to be the gamewinning run. Tonight, Loaiza continued to demonstrate why he's the single biggest waste of money since Macha by sucking dick early, often, and then early again and then often again. And then once more, because taxes will make his 21.375 million dollars seem like a little bit less. So he sucked another dick in order to stick it to the man. The dickman.

Of course, asshat decides to send him back out for the 5th, despite the fact that he had already given up 93 walks and 108 homeruns on the day, and gives up what would prove to be the deciding run. Here's what I wrote before the Twins came to bat in the 5th inning:

"They'll score again this inning, and Macha won't take Loaiza out until AFTER the big homerun. Standard Macha protocol."

I would toot my own horn, but predicting for Macha to do something stupid is like....actually, there's no good simile to finish this sentence. Macha being stupid is the single most predictable thing in the universe, so to compare his stupidity to anything else would actually downgrade its predictability. So yeah, it's not a great prediction, because Macha is a fucking retard. I mean, vagina-brain has a fucking 12 man pitching staff, including THREE long fucking relievers, and he's still not using them. Is there really a downside to not taking out an ineffective starting pitcher? Do you hate walking to the mound that much, you lazy asshole? Fucking christ you're so god damn useless.

Some asshole once said "those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them." If he had been an A's fan, he would have said "Ken Macha is such a fucking bag of elephant dung. When he's asleep during his mistakes, the asshole usually makes the same mistake again. God, what a fucking fuckbox Macha is." That guy totally had a silver tongue; that's why his quotes are so well remembered.

Swisher had a heck of a game tonight, though, eh? I imagine he'll be on the bench tomorrow, because Macha wouldn't want him to be able to build on his momentum. Maybe he can keep Melhuse company, who won't play again until Loaiza's next shit-fest despite the not-so-trivial fact that he's about 198 times better than Jason Kendall.

Anyway, I hate Macha, and I wish he were dead.

Batman Comes To Pittsburgh...And Doesn't Destroy Jim Tracy

2006-04-11T10:13:00.000-06:00

Sitting at the bar today watching the Pirates once again get thumped by another sad sack franchise, the guy next to me blurted out, "If Jason Bay is so damn good why does he only have 2 rbi?"

I did not answer him at that moment because had I done so I might have beaten him to death with his sandwich, but now that I have cooled down my emotions I can give a logical, in depth, analyzed, well thought out response. Consider these points:

1. Jason Bay is currently hitting 4th behind the following players: 1. Chris Duffy, 2. Jack Wilson, 3. Sean Casey.

2. Chris Duffy at the moment is hitting .130 (Pirates pitchers are hitting .154) and a .167 On-Base Percentage (again, Pirates pitchers have a .154 On-Base Percentage). He has reached base 5 times this season. Five. FIVE. He has struck out 9 times in 23 at-bats. Even more alarming, of the 92 pitches Chris Duffy has faced this year he has swung and missed 14 of them. Not good. Five times on base. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Five.

3. Jack Wilson in the two spot is actually hitting quite well. .348/.464/.565. 4 walks (to only 2 strikeouts) to go along with the nice line. But...

4. In the 3 spot is Sean Casey. The human double play. No player had a higher double play rate in 2005 than Sean Casey and early on he is on pace to not only break the single season double play record, but shatter it so badly no one may ever come close to it again. It will be the new 56 my friends. Unbreakable.

5. Because of the above, (Chris Duffy going Rafeal Belliard on us, Sean Casey erasing Jack Wilson at every turn) Jason Bay has only had 10 at-bats with runners on base this year....only 4 with runners in scoring position.

Thats why he only has 2 RBI you neanderthal.

- Jeff Francouer is currently 2 for 33 with no walks and 8 strikeouts. But you didn't need me to tell you that.

- The Pirates opened up their home season today and who did they have throw out the first pitch? One of the Steelers? The president? Me? No.

Batman. Not the good batman (Adam West), the fake batman who had to have plastic molded muscles (unlike Adam West, who used his regular body...ALL..WEST) Michael Keaton. The only positive thing about this is Keaton took his pre-game press conference as an oppurtunity to rip Pirates owner Kevin McClatchey and compare him to Donald Sterling, and his team to the LA Clippers. Ouch. Score one for fake Batman.

- Humberto Cota is clearly the Pirates #1 catcher in the eyes of Jim Tracy for one reason: He's better than Ryan Doumit defensively (who could be an All-Star offensively). To demonstrate this today, Humberto Cota managed to mangle what would have been a third strike on Jason Repko(!) by letting it fall harmlessly out of his mitt....instead of being out (Repko tipped it) Repko remained in the box...and put the next pitch off the rotunda in left field and the Dodgers never looked back. But Ryan Doumit can't catch.

- Begin submitting your questions now for next weeks debut of the "Ask Adam" Q & A session. Some questions will be answered. Many will not. Best question gets a free "REO Speedwagon" T-shirt. It has a few mustard stains on it, but the structure and foundation is still sound.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A's Notes: AL Central a Twinkie no more
A's open series against tough Twins out of vastly improved division
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tibune

Tired of critics, Thomas enjoys fresh start with A's
Dave Newhouse, Oakland Tribune

A's Johnson has lots of pluck, puck
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's like that Scutaro can step in and step up
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Watson, Keisler power River Cats
Jason A. Churchill, Special To The Sacramento Bee

RockHounds Lose
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

They know way to San Jose
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Bullpen continues to shine for Cougars
Paul Johnson, Kane County Chronicle

Fun With Small Sample Sizes

2006-04-10T11:25:00.000-06:00

Oakland ranks last in the AL West in batting average, but first in OBP and Runs Scored.

Texas ranks first in the AL West in batting average, but last in OBP and Runs Scored.

Eric Chavez has a higher OPS (.987) than Alex Rodriguez (.953).

Marco Scutaro has a higher OPS (1.356) than Barry Bonds (.750) and Jason Giambi (.590) combined.

Scott Hatteberg has a higher OPS (1.089) than Frank Thomas (.473), Bobby Crosby (.364) and Dan Johnson (.136) combined.

Barry Zito ranks first in the American League with an 11.05 k/9 rate.

The leadoff man for the reigning World Champion White Sox is sporting the current
line: .045 Avg/.087 OBP/.045 Slg%.

Brad Wilkerson is on pace to strikeout 324 times this season.

A lineup composed of nine Chris Sheltons would score 34.61 runs in a nine inning game.

A lineup composed of nine Dan Johnsons would score -1.80 runs in a nine inning game. I don't get it either.

Atlanta leads the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Scored.

Atlanta is last in the Major Leagues with 53 Runs Allowed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Harden takes turn posting goose eggs
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A's closer not on easy street against Seattle
Ninth-inning 'underhanded lollygagging' is a near disaster for Oakland
Joe Roderick, Contra Costa Times

A'S REPORT
Hot-hitting Kotsay to rest his aching back some this week in Minnesota
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Zito praises many AL cities, including Seattle
'Potential free agent' is keeping as many teams as possible interested
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Dan Johnson will be present for tributes to idol Puckett
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Beltre on brink of being a bust
Ted Miller, Seattle Post-Intelligencer

Portland pounds the Cats
Joe Freeman, Special to The Sacramento Bee

Hounds earn split with Frisco
Lee Passmore, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Ports get first win
Webb sharp in second game of doubleheader
Kevin Niendorf, Stockton Record

Italiano dazzles until running into trouble
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Missed it by that much

2006-04-08T08:49:00.000-06:00

For those of you who were wondering if Macha could "Get Smart" for an entire game, wonder no longer. The answer, of course, is no. But he did make it through 8 innings, which is the closest he's come in a long fucking time. But why on earth are you putting in Justin Duchscherer in the 9th inning of a 5-run game? Why the fuck do you think Brad Halsey and Jay Witasick are on the team? Exactly. To be used in situations were the game is already decided. Now, if you need Duchscherer tonight (and with Zito going, chances are you'll need the bullpen for about 6 innings, but will only use it for 4), you probably won't be able to use him Sunday. Seriously, Ken. Save these guys in April so they don't collapse in September. Yeah, it was just one inning, and the Duke had absolutely no problem dispatching Seattle in three batters, but that's not the point. Are you saving Witasick and Halsey for extra inning games in Boston? Yeah, that must be it. On the bright side, at least you didn't intentionally walk Jason Kendall with a runner on third and one out. I mean, you're guaranteed to get a weakass grounder to third from this guy, and you're putting him on? Between Torre's idiotic reliever usage patterns and Hargrove giving a free pass to the worst player in baseball, you seem to be rubbing off on other managers. It's kind of nice to see; it evens the playing field a little.

We all know that if Marco Scutaro were to play every day, he would put up an OPS around .700 for the season. But for now, when he's currently sporting a 1.552 OPS, you put him in the lineup until he starts to cool off. What part of this don't you understand? If that comes at the expense of Crosby or Ellis, or both, so be it. Ride the hot hand. Swisher had been on fire for about three weeks before you sat him against a righty on Wednesday (that was an all-time genius maneuver, btw). Since then? 8 at-bats, 5 strikeouts, 1 hit. I'm glad that Scutaro got pinch hitting duties last night, but jesus Ken, you vacuous piece of shit; why are you so damn stupid?

In other news, it's nice to see that Milton Bradley is already in fine playoff form. He's really assimilated to the A's culture of retardation. And Bradley even wears Byrnes' old number. How perfect is that? There were tears in my eyes when he managed to not score from second base on a double off the wall last night. Now, I can't say for sure whether those tears were from the baserunning gaffe or the Habanero peppers I was rubbing against my nuts (long story), but the fact is that there were tears. And tears are tears, regardless of whether they come from the manager being an idiot or my homoerotic fantasies with Mexican peppers. Now, where was I again? Oh yeah, Macha's a jackass. But seriously ladies, I was just kidding about the peppers. I'm not a psycho. The only things I rub against my nuts are supermodels and the occasional tubesock.

Anyway, just as Don Adams went on to be the voice of a popular cartoon character later on his life, we're all looking forward to Macha's voicing of "Inspector Asshole" in a few years. After all, he's always on duty....retard duty.

Welcome Back, Macha

2006-04-07T10:35:00.000-06:00

Welcome back. Welcome back. Welllllcome baaaaack.

I thought we'd lost you there, my old, retarded friend. I just KNEW you couldn't have gotten any smarter over the past six months. And, in retrospect, you were probably more lucky than good the last couple of games versus the Yankees. You were lucky that little Marco Scutaro and an outstanding 8th inning absolved you from exhausting your bullpen on Opening Night. And as I've had time to further digest the events of the Opening Night debacle, why did you pull Zito right AFTER he gave up the grand slam? You couldn't have possibly thought the game was still winnable. The game was still winnable BEFORE he gave up the grand slam. You should have pulled him then, asswhipe (not a typo). But after he gave up the knockout blow, everyone in the stadium knew that we weren't going to win the game. So why not leave Zito out there? He'd thrown less than 60 pitches. You should have left him out there to clean up his own mess. He might have gotten you another inning. Maybe two.

And maybe Kirk Saarloos would have been available last night, when you again decided to pull your starter too late.

Loaiza looked pretty bad last night. Yet you thought it best to trot him out there inning after inning when he clearly didn't have his best stuff.

"He had a couple of misses on location. Not any big innings, but he got his pitch count up."

--Ken Macha

He had given up four runs in only three innings pitched. And he had already thrown over 75 pitches.

But at least he stayed away from the big inning.

Dumbass.

Admittedly, your bullpen options were limited. But that's your own damn fault. And I can only imagine how bad of a shape the bullpen would be in if Tuesday's game had gone into extra innings.

And kudos to you for that outstanding lineup you so masterfully composed last night.

Before last night's game Mark Ellis and Dan Johnson were a combined 2-for-20. Why ON EARTH you thought it would be a good idea to bath them 3rd and 5th, respectively, I'll never know. Not surprisingly, they went hitless in eight combined plate appearances, leaving seven on base.

When I saw Scutaro at the top of the lineup, I thought to myself, "Self, I guess the players are writing the lineup tonight. Hot guys in the heart of the order. Cold guys at the bottom. Kendall out of the lineup altogether."

At least Kendall was out.

You almost had me. I almost fell for it. For the briefest of moments I actually thought that after nearly 500 games as a Major League manager, you were starting to figure this gig out. But, alas, you've proved that you're still the dumbass we've all grown to hate.

Welcome back, my grey-haired punching bag.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Loaiza fizzles in debut
He lasts only 4 2/3 in loss to Seattle
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Japanese media ask Macha
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Bradley quickly fitting in with team's philosophy
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Cats tagged by familiar face
Doug Binder, Special to Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

RockHounds drop season opener on road at Frisco
Jack Marrion, Midland Reporter-Telegram

Opening Night
Weather cooperates, Nuts don't in loss
Jagdip Dhillon, Stockton Record

Cougars pull off rare scoring feat
Brian Schaumburg, Kane County Chronicle

Post-Series Questions

2006-04-06T15:34:00.000-06:00

If Bobby Crosby hadn't have gotten hurt, would we have gotten swept?

I'm glad that Marco Scutaro had had these two great games, but is it bad that I'm only happy because I think it'll up his trade value?

If Frank Thomas thought he had hit a homerun, why did he grimace when he took his very first step out of the box?

Doesn't Milton Bradley look angry even when he's happy?

Who's going to be the one to tell Nick Swisher that he isn't black?

Is it possible that I'm a better defensive second baseman that Robinson Cano?

I thought that maybe Duchscherer's success last year was a bit of a fluke. Now I think I'm falling in man-love with him. Anyone else?

Eight k's and ZERO bb's for Haren last night. Is it too early to say that he's going to be our most reliable starter this year?

Thomas, Swisher, Johnson and Payton are all on pace to get over 430 PAs. When the players "start writing the lineup", who's going to be the odd man out?

You're a dope if you think Bobby Crosby could have avoided being spiked with a sweep tag.

The above one was a comment, not a question. This one too.

Did Ken Macha REALLY just out-manage Joe Torre two games in a row?

Bob Geren's really the one pulling all the strings, right?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There's some good stuff floating around Al Gore's internet. Be sure to check out the following blogs:

Bobby over at The Future of A's Baseball recently posted his exclusive interviews with Ryan Webb, Brian Snyder and Brad Knox.

Elephants In Oakland may be a jerk (so they say), but that didn't stop him from adding a webchat feature to his blog. I've used it during all three games this year. There's some good conversation going on during the game and it's a hell of a lot better than continuously refreshing a 400-odd comment thread.

Ken Arneson over at catfishstew made an excellent analogy today.

"Playing against the A's will be like playing a master baseline player in tennis: they'll just keep putting the ball back in your court, time and time again, steadily, steadily, steadily, until you finally make a mistake, and you lose.

Each A's game becomes a bet with the other team: I bet you can't play as long as we can without making a costly pitching or defensive mistake. And whatever kind of mistake you make, we have enough power, or speed, or contact skills, or patience to take advantage of it."

PatheticsNation continues to make me chuckle.

Score One For The Skipper

2006-04-05T12:13:00.000-06:00

It took some help from a think-accented, Venezuelan, midget, but Macha finally out-managed someone. It only took 493 games.

So here's to you Ken Macha. This pack's on me. (Delivery courtesy of Tony DeFrancesco)

Seriously, when you've got Scott Proctor, literally the 25th man on your roster, and Mariano Rivera, arguably the best reliever in the history of the game, both warming up in your bullpen, who in their right mind chooses to go with Proctor in the 9th inning of a tie game?

And it wasn't just Joe Torre's stupidity that earned Macha five pieces of his favorite treat. To his credit, he made some pretty good moves.

Okay, he made ONE good move. But that's one more than I'm used to seeing in any given game.

Macha could have gone with Kennedy with two outs in the 6th and two lefties in a row due up, but he didn't. He went with Duchscherer. And after making Cano look like a dope, he tossed a scoreless 7th.

Kennedy was pretty much Kenny's only option in the 8th, since he used up about 17 pitchers in Monday's blow-out. And, luckily, that worked out too.

I'll admit that if Macha had his full arsenal of bullpen arms available, he might have very well fucked everything up. But fortunately for us, he chose to display just about every one of his relievers to the Opening Night audience.

In my heart of hearts, I know that it was bench coach and manager-in-waiting Bob Geren that chose to go with Duchscherer in the 6th, but this ONE time, I'm willing to let Macha have his time to shine.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SCUTARO GETS AN A
Single in 9th upends Yankees
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

A'S REPORT
Crosby expected to miss week with deep cut in left finger
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Who else? Scutaro gets it done
Crosby replacement gives A's dramatic first win over Yankees with RBI single in ninth
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

A'S NOTES
Injured Crosby out a week
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Harden has the right stuff for greatness
Monte Poole, Oakland Tribune

Scutaro walks off as a hero
HIS CLUTCH HIT IN 9TH ALLOWS A'S TO FORGE VICTORY OVER YANKEES
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Crosby's finger isn't broken but will idle him for week
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

Scutaro swats Athletics past Yankees
Walk-off single gives A's their first win of the season
Rick Eymer, Special to MLB.com

No Excuses From Proctor as Yanks Fall in 9th
Tyler Kepner, NY Times

Yanks forget their 'A' game
Scott takes loss, but all to blame
Sam Borden, NY Daily News

OPPORTUNITY BUT NO KNOCKS
George King, NY Post

Proctor, Yanks suffer tough loss vs. A's
Walk-off single does in Bronx Bombers for first time in 2006
Mark Feinsand, MLB.com

Attack Of The Heads

2006-04-04T16:20:00.000-06:00

One of my first encounters with Julies extended family came at cookout her aunt and uncle were throwing a couple years back. It was about an hour and a half drive and I was nervous as hell, because...well... everyone was going to be there. Her parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, several heads of state....a real orgy of the minds if you know what I mean. During the drive Julie was quiet, getting her to say two words was like pulling teeth, which should have tipped me off that something was wrong. Ususally Julie carries the conversation while I sit there looking pretty and nodding like a damn fool, but not this time.

"Are you okay" I asked.

"Huh...oh...yeah. I'm fine." she responded.

"You seem a little tense"

"No...no...it's just....well. We don't see this particular aunt and uncle very often. They're a little...odd."

"oh...I see."

Eventually we arrived at the house, a normal looking house, two stories...nice front porch...and one of the crappiest looking shacks of a shed I ever saw in my entire life out back. The rest of the house looked so normal I just brushed it off as an old shed they hadn't torn down yet. How wrong I was.

As we walked down the sidewalk Julie stopped and looked over at me and said, "Adam...how much do you love me?"

Ohhhh. So it was one of those families.

"Trust me Jules, there is nothing that can go on today that would ever make me stop loving you. I'm sure I'll get along just fine with everyone."

"Just remember hun, we don't see some of these people very often."

Julie rang the doorbell and a few seconds later the door was opened by a woman who had the June Cleaver look down pat.

"COME ON IN KIDS! WELCOME, WELCOME."

The inside of the house was beautiful, the type of house my mom would like. Antiques everywhere, great looking furniture and the smell of freshly baked bread that would make a fat man orgasm with one whiff of the nose. What the hell was she so worried about? Her aunt led us into the kitchen where the smell became even stronger as two piping hot loaves of bread sat on the counter, this was great. And then....it began.

"STEVE! JULIE AND HER BOYFRIEND ARE HERE!"

With that comment, came the man...the myth...the legend....Uncle Steve. If her aunt was June Cleaver, i'd consider her uncle to be the mutated spawn of Grizzly Adams and the Undertaker (you know, the wrestler?). He stood about 6'4 alteast 250 and was dressed for success. Work boots, ripped jeans, a sleeveless flannel shirt with a stained Ted Nugent t-shirt underneath.

Holy crap.

"This is Adam, Julies boyfriend!"

He approached me, looked me up and down and just as I held my hand out to shake he slapped me on the back, almost knocking me over, and yelled out, "SO THIS MUST BE THE LUCKY GUY!"

Yeah. Thats me.

"WHY DON'T WE LET THE LADIES FINISH UP THE FOOD AND I'LL TAKE YOU OUT BACK AND SHOW YOU MY WORKSHED!"

Oh god. I followed the mountain man out the kitchen doorway when I felt Julie grab onto my arm, "I'm soooo sorry" she whispered.

As we approached the shed the smell shifted from freshly baked bread to the type of smell you'd get if a thousand farm animals crawled up the asshole of a thousand other farm animals and died. I wanted to vomit.

He led me into the shed and turned on a small overhead light,

"CAN I GRAB YOU A BEER ALAN!"

"Adam actually, but yeah, sure, i'll take a cold one."

He walked over to an old dust coverered fridge that looked like it came out of the 1940's, grabbed a can of natural light, cracked it open, took a giant swig out of it, handed it to me, and grabbed a fresh one for himself. Again he looked me up and down and offered a friendly slap on the back, again almost knocking me over.

"AH, YEAH. THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT."

I looked at the half empty can of beer and wondered if I would ever see Julie again. This wasn't really happening was it? As I stood in the shed I felt like I was being watched. And not just by Uncle Steve. I don't know how this wasn't the first thing that caught my eye when I entered, but I began to figure out what that ungodly smell was. It was the decor of the shed, a little different from the house, but...interesting. There had to be atleast 10 of them, maybe more....but there they were...just staring at me. Mocking me. Heads. Not stuffed heads from a taxidermy...but just...heads. A bear head, a deer head, a couple squirrel heads, and one head that i'm not sure what it was...If I had to bet i'd say it was a gator, but that just seemed to impossible.

"YOU A HUNTER ALAN?"

I looked back at the door to see who came in named Alan, soon realizing he was talking to me.

"Nah, I do a little fishing though."

"WELL THEN YOU'LL LOVE THESE!"

He walked over into the corner and picked up a bucket full of...yup...you guessed it. Fish.

"CAUGHT EM LAST NIGHT DOWN AT THE POND. BEAUTIES HUH?"

"Oh yeah, every one of them."

"I'M THINKIN' I MIGHT GRILL A FEW LATER ON THIS WEEKEND."

At that moment I heard the door open and to my amazement it was Julies dad.

"Hey Adam, Julies wants to talk to you in the kitchen," he said with a smile.

This was the first time I had ever been thrilled to see her dad burst in through a door, as I walked out the door he grabbed the can of Natural Light out of my hand, shot me a wink, and gave me a pat on the back as if to say, way to take one for the team, let me take it from here.

We ate dinner (I hardly touched it not knowing what the hell was in it) and left soon after. To make up for my horror Julie rocked my world that night like she never had before and to this day she's never come close. Oh, what a night.

It didn't stick out to me at that point in time because I had little idea as to who Ken Macha even was, but as I look back on it today there a couple of things that really make me wonder:

1. If Ken Macha packed on about 100 extra pounds and grew a beard, I'd swear he was Uncle Steve.

2. Any of those mutated heads could do a better job of managing a baseball team than Ken Macha.

Last nights A's game also made me think of that day. I was Barry Zito. The Yankees were Uncle Steve. Ken Macha was supposed to send in Julies Dad to take one for the team. You know what I mean, every major league team has that one guy on their pitching staff that comes in during blowouts to save the rest of the bullpen for those few games that are beyond hope (we as Pirate fans have come to know those few games as the Pirates season)....only Ken Macha seems to think he has five of those guys. Who in the hell uses FIVE pitchers in a 15-2 game when you still have two more games in a row against the vaunted New York Yankees?

Ken Macha. Thats who.

What a confused old man.

Opening Night-Mare

2006-04-04T13:42:00.000-06:00

Welcome back, Ken. It's nice to see you STILL have no fucking clue when to take Zito out of the game. Asshole.

Of course, it bears mentioning that we would have lost last night's ass-rape fest even if Billy Fucking Martin had been our manager. So this loss is not on Ken. But it paints a disturbing picture for the future. He didn't learn from ALDS game 5, he didn't learn from the Belliard debacle, and I'm guessing he's not going to learn from tonight. Would Kirk Saarloos have gotten out of that bases loaded jam? Maybe, maybe not. In all likelihood, at least a couple of runs would have scored, and you're looking at a 5-0 deficit, best case scenario. But whether you felt Zito was getting squeezed or just couldn't find the fucking strike zone, the fact is that he wasn't getting outs. And by leaving him in to face the heart of the Yankees lineup, once again Ken chose to go with the less optimal option.

"I took calculus. I took probable statistics."
-Ken Macha

Probable stastistics? Ok, chief. The department of redundancy department is on line 1 for you. They want to know why you're such a dumbass, such a dumbass. You want a probable stastistic? You're probably an asshole. There. Idiot. Wanna know what the PROBABILITY was that one of Sheffield or Rodriguez would park one against a homer happy pitcher who couldn't find the strike zone? 100 fucking percent, that's what it was. You may have taken those classes, but I can't assume that you passed.

In other news, whoever had one-half in the amount of games Crosby would make it this season before getting injured, congratulations, you win. My inside sources are telling me that Crosby is mulling retirement to return to his old job of being the first opponent faced by Little Mac in Mike Tyson's punchout. Geez, I love Crosby as much as anybody, but this dude is just made of glass. Christ on a crunchbar.

This loss may not have been Macha's fault, but I think he had a hand in making it worse than it was. I'm not real concerned about runs 7-15, because after the game was already decided, bringing in the scrubs like Halsey and Witasick is the right thing to do. But why bring in Calero? He's one of our good relievers, and we may need him should tonight's game be close. It reminds me a lot of the Yabu Disaster, another game you apparently didn't learn from. You should have just left Witasick out to dry.

It looks like we're in for another year of the same shit we've witnessed for each of the last three.

Welcome back, season.

Tempered Enthusiam

2006-04-04T10:45:00.000-06:00

When is it possible for Barry Zito to have the shortest outing of his career and STILL be left in too long?

When Kenny Macha's at the helm!

I keed. I keed.

Placing the blame on Macha for the ass-raping that took place last night wouldn't be fair. Our boys got pounded like a stripper at a Durham frat party. Nothing the white-haired fool could do about that.

But, honestly, who didn't see that one coming?

Of all the Opening Day scenarios that ran through my little head, NONE of them included our mighty A's winning. I didn't expect the ass whooping that was handed to us last night, but I didn't see how our simple-minded starter and his even simpler-minded manager could navigate us to a victory. I DID think we'd knock around Randy Johnson a little, so I might have to lower my expectations for the offense, but I'm not all that bummed.

Now, I WILL be pissed if we lose tonight. It shouldn't even be close.

And God help Macha if he leaves Kennedy in too long.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Feeble opening argument
A-Rod slams Zito, Yankees overpower A's
Susan Slusser, SF Chronicle

Thomas saves opener from being total loss
Bruce Jenkins, SF Chronicle

Start spreading the blues
Zito, A's destroyed in N.Y. minute
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Payroll keeps going up
Beane credits Wolff for allowing team to acquire high-priced players
Josh Suchon, Oakland Tribune

Killion: Oakland fails first hype test with N.Y.
Ann Killion, San Jose Mercury News

CROSBY INJURED IN RECORD LOSS
Joe Roderick, Knight Ridder

A's owner in Fremont for meetings
'STADIUM VILLAGE' IS SUBJECT OF TALKS WITH COUNCIL MEMBERS
Barry Witt, San Jose Mercury News

A's Opening Night is more of an opening flop
Paul Gutierrez, Sacramento Bee (Registration Required)

Thomas homers, but A's lose to Yanks
Big Hurt goes deep in first at-bat; Zito chased after 1 1/3 innings
Mychael Urban, MLB.com

A-Rod's slam pops A's Zito
Randy, Bombers blast off in style
Sam Borden, NY Daily News

YANKEE RIPPERS
A ROD SLAMS A'S IN OPENING NIGHT ROUT
George King, NY Post

Every Yankee Does His Part in Opening Rout
Tyler Kepner, NY Times

Yankees open floodgates on Zito, A's
Bombers tie team Opening Day record with 15-run outburst
Mark Feinsand, MLB.com

Holy Crap, It's Opening Day!

2006-04-03T10:50:00.000-06:00

Time to stock up on the Rolaids.

I'm usally pumped about Opening Day. Most years I call in sick, get drunk and curse at all the dopes on TV.

Not today.

I'm approaching this year with extreme apprehension. As good as this team appears to be on paper, I'm just not excited at all. And there's only one person to blame for that:I didn't used to be this cynical. I didn't used to "hate" anyone. But when the one thing in this miserable world that gives me pleasure is handled like a hen in a cock house, I get a little irate.

So I'm not really looking forward to kicking off the season. I thought about wiping Macha's slate clean and going into the season full of optimism, but decided against it. Now he has to prove to ME that he isn't a retard. Fool me once...

So when this game finally gets played, I fully expect for Zito to get pulled one batter too late, for Kennedy to face one too many righties and for Frank Thomas to lay down a sacrifice bunt.

Somethings never change.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
But some things do change. And there's several coming to FireMacha for the 2006 season. I won't reveal them all now, but we've added a new contributor.

And he's fucking hilarious.

(Scroll down to read his first entry).

The Unsatisfying Asswhipe

2006-04-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting in my cubicle when I noticed a rumbling down there. You know....down there. I had to poop. And not just any poop. I had to take the biggest Ray Lewis I had ever taken, and I had to do it at work. To a guy, there is no worse feeling than having to do your business in a public bathroom, it just is not sanitary my friends. There is usually pee on the seat, on the floor, and the toilet paper might as well be sand paper without the paper. I hate it. But, considering it was still a few hours from my lunch hour, let alone five o'clock, I had to suck it up and drop it off at work. So I did.

Upon returning to my cubicle I began to notice a little discomfort. An itch if you will. Thinking I was alone I said softly to myself "man, my ass itches." All of a sudden I heard a voice from the other side of the cubicle (John) say, "It sounds like you've fallen victim to the unsatisfying asswhipe."

I paused for a minute and said, "No, Ken Macha didn't get the Pirates managing job."

Ba-doom-ching.

He peaked his head up over the cubicle and looked at me like I had monkeys crawling out of my ears. I don't think he even knew who or what a Ken Macha was, lucky him.

Yes my friends, I am a Pittsburgh Pirates fan, and the last two times our managing position has been open Ken Macha has been one of the leading canidates not only inside the front office, but with fans and media members as well....And luckily, we've avoided the trainwreck both times. The last time we ended up with Lloyd McClendon and while the team sucked, we did get a couple of incredible moments in baseball history:

- He stole a base from an umpire under the logic "I figured he wasn't using it so I might as well take it with me" (direct qoute)
- he physically kicked Tony Larussa's ass at least once
- Both are good things

This time we chose Jim Tracy, and does that make me happy? Yes. Yes it does. Why does this make me happy? Because Jim Tracy interviews and press conferences appear to be even better than ones with Lloyd McClendon (where he would often times use big words in the wrong context) because he asks himself 200 questions and answers all of them in great detail. This is an amazing strategy as it completely avoids the nonsensical bable often times asked by the local beat writers who wouldn't know Tom Gorzelanney from Tom Arnold.

Brief Ken Macha is from Pittsburgh comment:

Murrysville, PA (the birthplace of Ken Macha) has a hillside that spells out the towns name (Murrysville) with a series of Pine Trees. It is sort of like the redneck/hillbilly/mountainman version of the "Hollywood" sign. Only in Murrysville. Birthplace of Ken Macha.

Be sure to tune in next time when I tell you a story from my college days about the body-less heads and how it relates to Ken Machas suckitude.

The (April) Fool

2006-04-01T10:18:00.000-07:00

We are stuck with this sorry fucker for THREE YEARS? I keep checking my calendar, hoping it's April 1st. But it's not. It is Oct. 14 2005, a day that shall live in infamy.

-EmilyBemily, upon hearing the news that Macha had been rehired.

In a perfect world, there would be an announcement today from the A's that Ken Macha's rehiring on October 14th of last year really WAS an April Fool's joke, nearly six months in the making. "Haha," Billy would say. "You didn't think we were really that stupid, did you? We want to win this year, and any idiot knows you can't win with Ken Macha as your manager. Anyway, we've murdered Ken and are currently disposing of his body down at the docks. We've secured a monkey on loan from the zoo; he'll be the manager this year."

Of course, that will never happen, because the April Fool's joke that the A's have been playing on us for the last three years appears as if it will continue for another three. Well, good one, Billy. You really *got* us. I hope you can make some recordings of your howling laughter this year as retard costs us game after game after game and release them to the public. I've grown tired of only listening to our opponent's laugh at us. Perhaps it's time we finally laugh at ourselves. And what better day to start doing that than April Fool's day?

Every year, without fail, there are a few April Fool's pranks that go too far, and cross the line between funny and mean-spirited. A doctor telling a healthy patient they only have six months to live...beating an elderly man with his own walker....fucking your best friend's wife. Yes, all are hilarious in their own special way, but the victim of the prank may not see it that way. Well Billy, the April Fool's prank you pulled on us back in October is not funny anymore. The joke has gone on for 5 months and 17 days, and we all feel it's time you fire Macha's worthless ass and replace him with a non-moron.

Macha reminds me a lot of Sidd Finch, the fictional protagonist from George Plimpton's 1985 April Fool's joke. Whereas Sidd Finch was allegedly preternaturally talented, Ken Macha is a fucking retard. Whereas Sidd Finch could throw a baseball 168 miles per hour, Ken Macha falls over when he puts on his pants (he gets both feet stuck in one pantleg and topples over like the A's season in September). Whereas Sidd Finch's mind was clear due to his mastery of Buddhism, Ken Macha's mind is clear due to the fact that his head is devoid of brains. I mean, they might as well be twins or something.

So Happy April Fool's day, A's fans. The 4th installment of Billy's joke begins anew in only two days.

Brain out yer dead

2006-03-29T09:39:00.000-07:00

Macha tries to make point, fails miserably....again

In response to an inquiry about whether there will be enough at-bats to keep everybody happy this season, Macha pulled this gem out of that adorable little head of his:

"It's a dilemma right now," Macha said. "That's why a major-league manager wakes up at 4 o'clock in the morning. His mind is always working."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Ok guys, give me a minute here....BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh man, Ken, you are just too much. The next time your mind is working will be the first time. Seriously, that thing you call a brain might just be the single most defective thing in the known universe. In the grand scheme of things, your intellectual acuity level falls somewhere between cat feces and a writer on the sitcom 'The War at Home.' His mind is always working.....that's too fucking precious. Also, I'd prefer it if you no longer referred to yourself as a 'major league manager.' Yes, technically, you may be one, but you deserve it about as much as Ashlee Simpson deserves a recording contract. How would you feel if she called herself a singer? Exactly, Ken. So from now on, just refer to yourself as a "Major League Retard." That's way more appropriate.

Although, I think we may have pinpointed why you're always falling asleep during games. If you wake up in 4 in the morning, that means you've already been up for 15 hours by the time the game starts. That's a full day for most people, and you've still got a game to "manage" (for lack of a better word). Listen, Ken. It has been scientifically proven that people who don't get enough sleep simply can't function. They walk around like zombies with vacuous expressions on their faces, detached from society. Didn't you ever see Fight Club? My advice to you would be to get more sleep. I don't know if that would solve the problem (the problem of you being retarded) but it certainly couldn't hurt.

And later in the article, Macha is clearly delerious from his lack of sleep, and starts talking like his dentist is pumping him full of laughing gas:

"I know the players don't have as much patience as I do. I hope they all get 450 at-bats, make millions and millions of dollars and we win the World Series."

Well, fuck me with a broomstick and call me Inmate #J4987G, Ken. Aren't you just Little Miss Utopia today? There's a lot of things I hope for. I hope that one day all the countries in the Middle East will one day stand up and say, "hey, you know, every single one of our religions is beyond idiotic, and the only reason they still exist today is because somewhere, a small group of people are making a large amount of money because they've tricked us into believing the garbage in this stupid book right here." One day, wouldn't it be great if all the Palestinians and Muslims stood up and said, "you know, we should stop bombing Israel, because all them Jewish babes have enormous knockers, and I'd like to fuck the crap out of a couple of them." and then Israel is all, "you know, Palestine, maybe we can work together to get you your own piece of land," and then everybody would be happy and do a dance of joy and everybody would get along famously because everyone realized that all religions are a pile of shit, and wasting any of your time or money on them is only feeding the monster.

But anyway, Ken, rather than talking in the extremes, or what you *hope* is going to happen, why don't you actually sit down and think about what it's going to take to keep players healthy, fresh, and productive? Instead of lamenting the fact that Melhuse got fewer AB's last year than Keith fucking Ginter, why don't you own up for the fact that it was entirely your fault? It's your responsibility to make sure Payton plays 1 to 2 games a week, and that Perez needs to get some action in the backup infielder role, and that you know what you're going to do when Thomas can't play that particular day. If I believed for one second that you were waking up and 4 am to crunch the numbers concerning matchups and when would be the best times to get certain players in the game, I would stand up and applaud. But I don't believe for one second that you are. I know that you get up and fix yourself a chili cheeseburger and are kept awake the rest of the night by the cacophonous symphony that is your flatulence, and by the time the game rolls around, you're so tired you can barely stand up, so you don't bother removing pitchers from games or writing up a new lineup, you just sit there like an idiot, costing us games.

Mind is working....sheesh.

Signs

2006-03-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

Signs, Signs
Everywhere a sign
Fucking up the scenery
Breaking my mind
Do this, don't do that
Can't you read the sign?
-Five Man Electrical Band

The latest news out of A's camp is that the asshole and the rest of the A's coaches are upset with the poor fundamentals displayed by the team. WHA?!?!? You mean this team doesn't have good fundamentals? Get the fuck out. And Macha is just realizing this now?

"We missed two signs yesterday, threw a ball to the wrong base, and had a runner thrown out on the bases."
-Ken Macha

How is that different from any other game in the Macha regime? I mean, he's just noticing this now? Our players have been morons since 2000, and it only takes you six years to do something about it? Does this mean you'll finally take Kendall out of the lineup in 2011? I can't wait for that. I guess it makes sense, though, since Ken's been conditioned to fall asleep from 7-10 pm every night, so all these day games must really be putting a cramp in his naptime schedule, and he actually has to watch what's happening for once. Well, don't worry, Ken. In ten more days, you can go back to not noticing what the fuck is happening during games all over again.

Of course, the best part of the article was this gem from Ken:

"I don't want to walk in the clubhouse after a game and say we lost the game because of a missed sign."

That's just too fucking precious, Ken. Unfortunately, we lose games all the time because of a missed sign. Namely, this one:

Oh, the irony.

So I got out a pen and paper
and I made up my own little sign
It says die Ken you fucking moron
Douchebag asshole swine

Great Siskel's Ghost!

2006-03-22T15:02:00.000-07:00

I don't know how this one got by me, but Eddie Cornejo, Jed Morris and Benny Winslow made a movie last year when they were all on the Ports. I guess it didn't suck too bad because it got played at some big-time independent movie festival.

The movie's called Dream Revolver and it's website provides kind of a crappy trailer and this synopsis:

"An unidentified minor league baseball player struggles through his long season. His perspective of the game he once loved so much as a child becomes skewed due to internal demons & external pressures. In a series of twisted, wacky & unexplainable dreams he finds his inspiration and motivation disguised as foolish characters. Ultimately leading to a silly confrontation that enables him to see the game of baseball in its purest form, the way it should always be...a game."

Instead of a movie, I wish they would have made a documentary. One where they kidnap Macha, tar and pube him (a spin on tar and feathering), stuff him in a potato sack, pee on him (not that I'm into full-frontal, male nudity), and drop him in a gigantic, scolding vat of sugary sweetness at the Juicy Fruit factory.

They could've called it Death of a Douchebag.

Maybe next time.

2005 Stockton Stats

Eddie Cornejo: 316 AB  .304 Avg  .369 OBP  .367 Slg%  .736 OPS
Jed Morris:    268 AB  .302 Avg  .376 OBP  .563 Slg%  .939 OPS
Benny Winslow:  55 AB  .236 Avg  .333 OBP  .400 Slg%  .733 OPS

Spring in the new Year

2006-03-20T17:19:00.000-07:00

I don't know what the fuck an equinox is, but if the rain outside my homestead is any indication, spring is here! And what an appropriate metaphor as we prepare ourselves for yet another season that Macha will wash down the drain. As of today, we are a mere fortnight away from when Macha's stupid in-game moves actually have lasting detrimental ramifications.

I was watching a game last May with several law students, none of whom were baseball fans. When Eric Byrnes came to the plate for a crucial late game at-bat against a righty, I frustratingly pointed out that Byrnes can't hit righties, and even though there were a few options on the bench to serve as pinch-hitter, I correctly predicted that A) Macha would leave Byrnes in there, and B) Byrnes would foul off a bunch of crappy pitches before being frozen on an inside fastball. Naturally, both of those things happened, because Byrnes sucks and Macha is a fucking idiot. One of the law students then commented "when it comes to Ken Macha, the burden of rejoinder is not much of a burden at all." The other law students in the room all shared a chuckle, while I was heard to mutter, "hehe....mule" while simultaneously making a mental note to myself to look up what the fuck burden of rejoinder meant. Well, ten short months later, I finally did so, and I have to admit, for a gayass law joke, that was pretty fucking funny. Touche, Steve....touche.

Speaking of burdens, let's get back to Ken for a moment. It's been roughly five months since he re-signed, and during that whole time, he hasn't had the opportunity to cost us a game yet. Sure, we can lament him leaving Randy Keisler in the game to give up the lead in a spring training game, but it's just spring training. Of course, when you know that Macha will do this during the season as well, it's a bit harder to shrug off. The first time Witasick or Kennedy faces 8 batters too many, you'll know that Ken Macha is back, and worse than ever.

Spring is supposed to bring with it new hope and promise. The sun is supposed to be shining, the birds are supposed to be singing, and the dreams of a successful season are supposed to stand front and center. Everything old is new again, and everything dumb (Macha) is still dumb (Macha). Ah, spring.

Two weeks from tonight, Macha will spring in the new season with a dumb lineup, he'll leave Zito in too long, bring in the wrong reliever when he finally takes him out 6 batters too late, and then proceed to return to his nightly repose on the bench.

How do I know all this? Because it's spring, when everything old is new again.

Happy Spring, A's fans!

I Dreamt About The A's Last Night

2006-03-20T11:22:00.000-07:00

Some guys get to dream of Jessica Alba bending over for some doggy style sex. Me? I dream of Rich Harden.

I don't think that makes me gay.

Anyway, it was March 4th and our guys were taking on the Mets in Camden Yards. It was a day game. I thought it was just another Spring Training game, but much to my shagrin, Robert Buan tells me that it's Opening Day.

I was confused and upset. Confused because we're opening up the season on March 4th against the Mets in Camden Yards and upset because I was stuck at work. On a Saturday.

We were losing 2-0 before I finally escaped this hell hole to watch the rest of the game on TV. Why I just didn't go to MLB.tv, I don't know. I get home, flip on the tube, and see that the Mets have the bases loaded in the 8th. Macha goes to pull Harden. Oh, I take that back. Macha just goes to see if Harden's okay. Apparently he is because Macha leaves him in. Victor Diaz deposits Harden's next offering into the left field seats.

My subconscious continues to prepare me for the next six months of stupidity.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actual conversation I started my work week with:

"I can't open up (a network file)."

"What do you mean you can't open it up?"

"Well, I started the program and clicked on the file like I do every morning, but it won't open up."

"Does it give you a message?"

"Yes."

"What does it say?"

"I didn't read it."

[slaps forehead]

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

2006-03-03T09:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Gabe and Steve for their submissions.

About two years ago I was invited to a cookout at Ken Macha's house. I was a little unsure about going but I figured this was one of the few times I would ever have the chance to converse one on one with a real big league manager, so I took full advantage of it.

It was a warm day, mostly sunny with a few white puffy clouds here and there as I approached the front door of his home. I rang the doorbell and became a little concerned when the tune that echoed from the halls of his home was the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars.

The door slowly opened as Macha himself peaked out from behind.

"Hello" he whispered in a high pitched voice."Um, hey. It's me. I'm here for the cookout."

"WELL COME ON IN!" he shouted, jumping up and down in sheer amusement that someone actually showed up.

The first thing I noticed when I entered his living room was a huge picture that had to measure atleast 20' X 20' that took up the entire back wall of the room.

The truly scary thing about this picture was that it was a photo of Scott Hatteberg and Ricardo Rincon posing topless with their arms around each other.

'Who would have a picture like THIS in their living room?' I thought to myself....

But I wasn't really scared until I noticed the two hand written notes on the bottom of the photo.

The first one on the bottom right hand side read:

"Dear Ken,

Thanks for making me the 'middle man' in your bullpen sandwich.

All my love,

Little Ricky."

Ew.

I noticed a little over to the left of that note was the 2nd note:

"Dear Ken,

Since you lived up to your 'end' of the bargain and hit me in the 4-hole for the entire season i'll live up to my 'end' of the bargain and let you hit me in my 2-hole for all of eternity.

All my love, XOXOXOX

Scotty the hotty."

I left.

Spring is in the Air

2006-03-02T17:13:00.000-07:00

It's a beautiful 77 degrees today. Birds are chirping. Overweight women are showing their fat bellies. Black kids are playing basketball in the street.

So can someone explain to me how the fuck I got sick?

I've spent most of the past two days hocking and spitting up some grown (that's green+brown) loogies that would make Pumkin proud. When I actually manage to swallow something (not like that, you sick fucks), it feels like a ball of dull razors going down my throat. My nose is like a fucking Kenyan -- it just won't stop running. And I'm even starting to piss myself off with the amount of times I have to cough in any given minute. No one's told me to shut up yet, but I know those assholes are thinking it.

But here I am, like the good trooper that I always am, "roughing" it out at work.

Truth is, if I'm going to get sick, I'm taking these worthless pieces of shit with me.

My first conversation of the morning went a little something like this:

Boss: "You getting sick?"

Me: "I *cough* think *sneeze* so *fart*."

Boss: "Well, you'd better take care of that. By the way, here's ten shit-loads of work. Have fun."

I threw that fart in just for jollies. He didn't seem to notice.

Anyway, I think that my immune system must sub-consciously know that ol' Kenny boy is back on the bench for our boys in the green and gold. It's just preparing me for what's to come. The physical pain and suffering that I'm feeling now must somehow be priming me for all the emotional grief and misery that I'll be feeling in September when the Angels are again celebrating on our field. It all makes sense now.

The human body: God's perfect creation.

Anyone notice how Macha left Haren in too long today? Some things never change. (I'm only half-way kidding).

And one more thing. Maybe someone could answer me this: How many Mexicans does it take to hang a door?

(Hint: It's more than one, because the fucker who's been trying to hang one in my new (read: shitty) cubicle for three days obviously had no clue. And now he has his shoes off.)

P.S. In case you hadn't figured it out, I hate this fucking place.

Fantasy Submission

2006-02-28T11:54:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Lewis for this beautiful work of art.

What does constipation of the brain look like?

2006-02-27T22:16:00.000-07:00

This.

Macha's Worst Move of 2006

2006-02-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

I don't know if any of you saw Neil Hayes' fluff piece on Macha from the Contra Costa Times this morning. It tries, but fails, to paint Macha in a good light. While Macha is recounting just how hard the guys played last year, Hayes neglects to mention that all that hard work would have paid off had the A's had ANY OTHER FUCKING MANAGER!!! Macha cost us the division, last year, plain and simple. And don't give me that injury shit, either. The Yankees, Braves, and Angels all had extensive injuries last year, but when they had to endure starts from their Seth Etherton's and Ryan Glynn's, those managers knew when to take them out. Macha....well...didn't.

Anyway, so that got me to thinking. In light of the fact that Hayes' article was designed to sway public opinion regarding him, it only seems fair that the other side gets a voice in the debate. So I was wondering: What was the single worst move Macha made last season? Now, I know that trying to pick out Macha's worst move in a season that consisted of nothing but terrible moves is like looking for a specific grain of sand in the Sahara desert, but I have attempted to wade through all the shit, and select what I believe to be Macha's shining moment of stupidity in 2005. Was it Yabu in the Tenth? Leaving Zito in to face Belliard? Leaving Glynn in to face Beltran? Was it his year long fixation with the most inefficient lineup he could come up with? All terrible moves to be sure, and all costly to the team, but, at least in my opinion, Macha's worst move of the season came on September 16, in Boston. Yes, this was the Yabu in the Tenth game, but Macha lost this game for us six innings before that, in the top of the 4th. Let's recap the situation, shall we?

In the previous 7 games, the A's had grounded into 15 double plays. That's an average of more than two per game, for an entire week. They had grounded into a then AL-leading 139 double plays on the season. Scott Hatteberg had grounded into 22 himself, and his OPS' the last three months had been .672, .633, and .548. Scott Hatteberg was, in no uncertain terms, the least valuable player in the American League last season.

Pitching for Boston was knuckleballer Tim Wakefield. As you might expect with a knuckleballer, 82.4% of baserunners were successful stealing bases against him last year. The knuckleball is a pitch that travels 65 miles per hour, and catcher's have a difficult time handling. It's basically an invitation to steal a bag.

In that 4th inning, 4 of the 5 batters had gotten base hits, including a double by Mark Ellis. A 1-0 deficit had turned into a 2-1 lead. With Jay Payton at first, and Eric Chavez at third, up to the plate stepped Scott Hatteberg. Hatteberg had been a GIDP machine the last week. In fact, he had grounded out to the infield seven times in the last 3 games, resulting in two double plays, and another where he reached because the throw pulled the Cleveland first baseman off the bag. Quite simply, there was only one person in the universe that didn't know that Hatteberg was going to hit a grounder on the infield, and unfortunately that one person was Ken Macha.

So while I don't need to tell you what happened here, I will anyway. While Jay Payton was certainly no basestealer, he is a fairly fast runner, and should have been sent. With Wakefield pitching and Mirabelli catching, there is almost no chance you will be thrown out. "Ok," I told myself before that at-bat. "Not even Macha is dumb enough to let this inning end with Hatte's predictable double play, right? I mean, he was dumb enough not to put Melhuse in Hatte's stead in the first place, and had been dumb enough not to do that all season, but surely, he would send Payton here, right?"

The first pitch came in from Wakefield, and Hatteberg fouled it off. Payton wasn't running. The second offering from Wakefield was high, and Hatte watched it go by to even up the count at 1-1. Again, Payton failed to take second. "What the fuck is Macha doing?" I yelled loudly. "He's not going to send him, is he?" Wakefield wound up to throw his third pitch to Hatteberg, and again Payton remained chained to first base. Wakefield's knuckler didn't dance. It was flat, it had spin, and it was heading right for the middle of the plate. Hatteberg's eyes opened wide, he cocked back his right shoulder, and took a mighty swing.....

....and hit a weak grounder to second base.

Graffanino fielded it, flipped to Renteria at second for one out, and then back to first base for the inning ending double play. The A's would not score again, and would later lose when Yabu hit Manny with the bases loaded in the 10th.

Now, you might be wondering why I selected this moment as Macha's single worst move of the year. Well, I selected it for many reasons. But basically, it was the perfect storm of ineptitude. So many factors had to come together in this instance that allowed Macha to fuck everything up so badly, and fuck it up he did. To wit:

1) It required Macha to ignore the previous 2.5 months of Hatteberg's performances, and put him in the lineup, instead of the much superior hitter in Melhuse, AGAIN.

2) It required Macha to completely ignore recent history, which had found the A's grounding into 14 double plays over the previous four games.

3) It required Macha to be completely unaware of his opponent, as Wakefield's slow knuckler is simply unable to prevent base stealing.

4) And last, but not least, it required Macha to once again freeze when a situation required for his brainwaves to fire.

You see, those other moves, like bringing in Yabu instead of Street, or leaving Zito out to get killed, were merely awful moves that everybody could tell were awful before they happened or didn't happen. But they were just singular moves. They didn't require Macha to have paid attention the last week, or for him to know what was going on. They merely required Macha to be able to look up and see that his pitcher was struggling, or that maybe bringing in your best pitcher instead of the scrub with the game on the line might be a heady maneuver. But with this double play, so many factors were involved, and each had to go perfectly in order for Macha to fuck it up so badly. It was like a Rube Goldberg machine of retardation. If it were a board game, it would be called Moron Mousetrap. If one thing doesn't happen, the machine fails, and Hatte doesn't hit into that double play. If Melhuse were in the lineup like he should have been, no double play. If Macha had been paying attention at any point that season, no double play. If Macha knew his opponent, no double play. And of course, if Macha had put all these variables together and sent Payton, no double play.

You see, with so many things, people merely see the finished product. You don't see the millions of parts that went into it, you just see a spaceship. When you look at another human being, you don't see neutrons smashing together, primordial sludge, single cells, multiple cells, invertebrates, or New World monkeys; you just see another human. But it takes a special ingenuity of reverse engineering to break something down like Macha's non-move here to show you how he had to be a moron on about four different levels to lose this game for us. This was the Peter Principle gone haywire. Macha should have been kicked out of baseball before he achieved the rank of bat boy, but somehow became a manager. And with each new promotion, he evolved a new set of special retardation skills. And each new set was put into in-action here. It was an awesome display of idiocy, the likes of which we may never see again until April 3rd. But for one night, it was perfect. It was all perfect.

And on September 16, 2005, in a 3-2 loss to the RedSox in ten innings, everything came together perfectly for Macha. Every stupid inclination, every game day nap, every inability to adapt came to the forefront, and Jay Payton was left at first base while Scott Hatteberg grounded into a double play.

It was, in no uncertain terms, Macha's worst move of the season.

Fantasy Baseball With Fire Macha

2006-02-20T14:37:00.000-07:00

It's common knowledge that Greg and I can out-manage Ken Macha, but can any of you dopes out-manage us? I doubt it, but we're willing to give you, our loyal readers, the chance to do just that.

Just send me your best Macha story, haiku or photo-shopped pic and, if it doesn't suck ass, you might just get the chance to join the most prestigious fantasy baseball league in all the land.

I would only ask that if you commit to this league, you DO NOT abandon your team. If there's anyone I hate more than Ken Macha, it's that asshole that stops checking on his team in May.

We're anxiously awaiting your submissions.

Shot by Stupid's Arrow

2006-02-14T09:55:00.000-07:00

Ah, Valentine's Day; a day when a young man's fancy turns to heart shaped chocolate boxes, 40 dollar rose bouquets, and cubic zirconia (she'll never know). Named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of stupid lineups, Valentine's Day is pretty much the lamest holiday there is. No girls wearing slutty nurse outfits, no candy, no big feasts, no presents, no getting drunk, and no firecrackers. But for baseball fans, Valentine's Day marks the occasion where the spring training reporting date can be referred to in hours instead of days. Soon, the boys of summer will lace up their cleats at their Arizona homes for the first time all season, and our national pasttime will have officially returned.

Unfortunately for Macha, instead of being paid a visit by Cupid, the God of Erotic Love, he was paid a visit by Stupid, the God of.....wait, there is no God. Anyway, Stupid shot Macha approximately 43 times in the face with his arrows of idiocy, and A's fans have to bear that cross. Sure, Macha might have his engineering degree from some second rate school in Pittsburgh, but he's not fooling anybody. It's like when you were a kid watching "Winnie the Pooh" on Saturday morning cartoons, and all you could say was "Give it up, Christopher Robin. You're not fooling anybody. We all know you're fucking that bear." Anyway, it's like that. Macha trying to think is a lot like me trying to come up with a cogent analogy connecting Macha and Valentine's Day; it's just not going to happen. Thankfully, Cupid rhymes with Stupid. I don't know where this post would be without that.

So fellas, whether this Valentine's day finds you alone and sexless, or attached and broke, you can take solace in the fact that Spring Training begins in less than 100 hours, where you will be treated to a month of dumb articles about everybody being in the best shape of their lives, and listen to Robert Buan attempt to only get about 90% of what he says on his broadcasts wrong.

Anyway, love is in the air, people. While we can all hope that Cupid, instead of shooting Macha with an arrow of love, accidentally shoots him with a poison-tipped arrow of death, I think we all know that it's not going to happen. Because this is Valentine's Day, and dreams never come true on Valentine's Day. Unless you're a woman, and you like stuffed animals.

God Damn Macha.

Contributions

2006-02-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

This was the first thing that came up under google images using the search term "contributions." That fucking rules. I think that might be Rod Beck, but I don't know for sure.

Anyway, a few of you have asked about writing some guest articles for the site. Well, we wholeheartedly encourage those efforts. If you have something you want to say about Macha, email either me or Roman, or both of us, and we will put it through the rigorous process of determining whether or not what you created was funny. If it is, the article will be posted.

If you would like to become a regular contributor with full time posting powers, simply submit a couple or three articles, pictures, or some other creation as your application. However, you can't be funnier than us. Imagine how Jon Stewart must feel being the executive producer of the Colbert Report, a show that makes his daily crapfest look like it belongs on UPN (which, it probably does). If we determine that you're worthy, we'll bestow you with your green jacket (green like the mold on Macha's brain) of posting.

Remember, FireMacha.com is YOUR website, too.

MachaPedia

2006-02-11T22:19:00.000-07:00

When I visited WikiPedia earlier today to see if I could find some information on monkeys who juggle chainsaws, I quickly got to thinking about another monkey: Ken Macha. So I went to his page and noticed that it didn't mention just how god damn stupid he really is. And since WikiPedia is the free encyclopedia that anyone can edit, I decided to do just that. So I added a few facts to the bottom of Ken's page. I didn't make anything up; everything here is true.

Apparently the commie-philistines who run WikiPedia can't handle the truth, which makes them exactly like Tom Cruise, except a little less crazy and a little less gay (hopefully), but in the interests of posterity, I was able to capture the magic in screen grab form.

Enjoy.

In the meantime, please check out the Fire Macha page on WikiPedia.

Ken Landers

2006-02-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

Hi, I'm a transplanted Pittsburgher living in the Bay Area, and unlike one of the commenters on your blog I knew the Pirates would never hire the idiot. They know a wimp when they see one. They knew enough to dump Rincon, who truly has blossomed under Macha's tutelage and conditioning program.

When the Pirates rejected Macha, I celebrated like a fool thinking Macha was out of baseball.

Having been present at both of the recent Angels' celebrations, the news shortly after # 2, that Macha wasn't coming back, was the only solace to the memory of his tenure here.

My rage towards Macha has reached your level. We all know how many games he has and will cost us. From the stupid owner/idiot who thanked Macha for god knows what to Mr. Beane, who brought him back, to Macha himself, I am finding my anger at unprecedented levels.

So a friend of mine asked me tonight if I wanted to go to Opening Night. The choice is either, don't go to any A's games, or go to games, and somehow avoid a jail or prison term by choosing to not run onto the field to bash Macha.

What do you suggest? What are you doing?

-Will

Will,

You're spot on about Pittsburgh. They don't tolerate wimps. From The Steel Curtain to inner city coal miners, Pittsburgh isn't a city for the weak. I'm sure the Pirates front office got one whiff of Macha's ideas about the batting order or how to complete a sentence, and quickly decided they didn't want that asshole within 2,000 miles of their team. For a franchise that hasn't finished higher than 4th since the turn of the new millenium, I think it's pretty clear that the Pirates are a lot smarter than the A's. Sure, we've got some division titles and playoff appearances since then, but gloating over that fact would be a lot like somebody with terminal cancer doing jumping jacks when their culture test for strep throat came back negative; It's all about the bigger picture. The Pirates told Macha to get the fuck away, and we gave him 2.6 million dollars to ruin our team for the next 3 years. Pittsburgh is most definitely smarter.

And don't beat yourself up for prematurely thinking that Macha was not only out of the A's hair, but out of baseball altogether. Both Roman and I made that mistake as well. It's a lot like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Part II: The Secret of the Ooze. When Casey Jones crushed the Shredder in the dumpster at the end of the first movie, we all went home thinking he had been eliminated. Yet, within the first two minutes of the sequel, Shredder's bruised and battered hand reached the light of day under all that garbage down by the pier. The Turtles' nemesis had returned, just like ours had. You can't kill the undead. The only difference between Macha and a Zombie is that Zombies are much better at articulating and enunciating. The next time Macha gets through a sentence without stumbling like a drunken crack addict will be the first. Marco Scutaro kind of looks like Splinter; I wonder if he has any advice on how to get rid of the asshole. In the first Turtles movie, Splinter merely moved aside and let the Shredder jump off that building. Wouldn't it be cool of Scutaro tossed Macha off the Empire State Building? That would rock. I imagine it would look a little something like this:

I don't know about you, but that's giving me chills.

Anyway, on to your final question, Will. You want to know if you should even bother with Opening Night, because you just know that it's going to end up with Macha singlehandedly ruining the season for us. You said you were there the last two Elimination Days, and got to watch the Angels celebrate on our field. Well, why not go for three? I can certainly understand and appreciate your fatalist attitude. I mean, why bother with existentialism when Macha is just going to fuck it up in the long run? But life is not about the finish line, life is about the chase. "No pain, no gain," right? Just think about how much you've gained these last three years, and you owe it all to Macha. The sports teams I follow are the A's, Niners, and Cal Bears; it doesn't get any more masochistic than that. So bring on the heartbreak, I say. We'll be facing a lefty on opening night; With any luck, Macha will bat Kendall third. It's always a hoot when your third place hitter doesn't even have the ability to hit the ball out of the infield. So go to the game and enjoy it. Buy a $7 beer, fraternize with all the Bay Area Yankees fans, listen to Giambi give a bunch of interviews where he refers to "Mr. Steinbrenner" and "Mr. Torre" and "Mr. Conte" and "Mr. HGH" and "Mr. What happened to my testicles they used to be a lot bigger," and go home with an empty feeling in your stomach when Macha pinch hits Kielty against Farnsworth, and he grounds into a rally killing double play. But most importantly, have fun!

And if you run onto the field and bash Macha in the face, I'll send you a Fire Macha t-shirt when you get out of prison. And I promise we'll do what we can to help raise funds to pay your fine. If the dummies on AthleticsNation were willing to give $5,000 dollars to battered women and neglected children, imagine how much they'll be willing to donate to a cause that is actually worthy? The mind boggles with the possibilities.

Good luck in whatever you decide, Will. I'll be there on April 3rd. Like I said before, I'm a masochist. Hope you'll join me.

Mail Call!

2006-02-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm a huge A's fan and just came upon your site. I'm not particularly anti-Macha; actually, I blame mostly other things for the failures of the past five years (ex. Byrnes and Tejada's baserunning mistakes in Game 3 vs. Boston in 2003-- not the coach's fault). I even point to pitch-calling by the catchers (Hernandez calling fastball high after fastball high from Zito vs. Manny in Game 5 in 2003). And the Zito vs. Belliard this thing from this year was totally lucky; the curveball broke down and in (quality pitch), and somehow Belliard turned it around inside the foul pole. Some of the material seems to be just fodder for bashing and not thought of until after the game was lost (the whole "hindsight is always 20/20" thing).

Anyway, what are the big things that stick out as far as bad managing decisions that Macha has made that cost us huge games or playoff wins, in your mind? Do you think Art Howe was much better? Just curious to know.

Thanks.

-Sean

Thanks for the letter, Sean. It's always nice to hear from A's fans, and dissenting opinions are welcome, because if my opinion cannot withstand the scrutiny of the other side of the argument, then perhaps I should re-examine my position.

However, my record of never being wrong continues unchecked, as Sean overlooked a few important details in his note. Actually, just one detail: that Macha's brain is a hunk of garbage.

Ok, first things first: Byrnes' and Tejada's brain freezes in Game 3 against Boston? 100% not Macha's fault. Professional ballplayers should know to touch home plate; they shouldn't have to be reminded by anybody. Byrnes and Tejada are morons, so Macha is completely exonerated from blame.

But the other two incidents? 100% Macha's fault. Let's look at them a little more closely. First up, is Zito vs. Manny in Game 5. Sean maintains that Hernandez was at fault for his pitch calling in that at-bat, and I'll address that claim later. But first, it is necessary to point out that Zito should have never been throwing those pitches in the first place, and the only reason he was is because Macha was asleep.

If you'll recall, Zito was starting that game on 3 days rest, the first time in his career he had undertaken such an endeavor. And for those of us watching the game, it was plainly evident that he was tiring in the 5th inning. In fact, he had allowed both a single and a walk in that frame, but Millar was thrown out at second trying to stretch his single into a double. Everyone who was watching that game (a group that does not include Macha, btw) was thinking that Zito should probably be taken out after that 5th frame. At any rate, he started the 6th, because Macha was still napping, and promptly allowed a game-tying homer to Jason Varitek. No ifs ands or buts about it, that pitch was a meatball, and Varitek crushed it. Any other manager gets somebody up after that. But not Macha. Because he was still sleeping.

2 of the next 3 batters reached, 1 via walk, and 1 via HBP. It is abundantly clear that Zito's control has vanished by this point in the game, and he needs to be taken out. However, nobody was warming up, so when up to the plate came Manny Ramirez, the homerun had already happened, we just hadn't seen it yet. So where was Chad Bradford, I asked? Not only had Bradford completely OWNED righties all season, but he had already struck Manny out the two times he had faced him in the series. He had completely tied him up in knots in both of those at-bats. Perhaps he should have been in the game? There was absolutely no excuse not to get him warmed up after Varitek's homerun, where he would have had 3 batters to get loose. The wrong guy was in the game at that point. Now, as to Sean's point that Hernandez should not have been calling high fastballs? Well, he wasn't. The gameplan that series was to bust Manny inside at the hands, something A's pitchers had done extremely well up until that point in the series. Zito left it over the plate because he was finished and his control was gone. That is why this is 100% Macha's fault. He didn't have the right guy in there, and when that happens, it's the wrong move, regardless of the outcome. It's entirely Macha's fault.

And as for his AB against Belliard last year? Same thing. It was obvious to anyone who was watching that Zito shouldn't have been pitching that 7th inning. He had been struggling all game, and was absolutely finished. Here is what I wrote that night on the subject. I held back my emotions for this post, I hope you appreciate it. Anyway, it was the same thing. Zito was finished, and his pitches weren't sharp. You know what happens to un-sharp curveballs in the big leagues? They get crushed into the outfield bleachers. The outcome of that AB surprised nobody but Macha.

But rather than go through instance by instance how much I hate Macha, I will address Sean's larger point, which is that I, as well as other fans, have the ability of 20/20 hindsight, so everytime something goes wrong, we can fit the facts to make it Macha's fault. That, in essence, it is the players who decide the outcome of games, and the manager is just along for the ride. But this is not true. For every situation in a game, there are a number of moves Macha can make. He can go with a number of pitchers, a number of batters, or defenders, and position them any way he wants. Most of the time, there will be one move that represents the best chance of attaining a favorable outcome. And most of the time, Macha chooses the wrong guy to put in. Yabu in the 10th? Wrong move. Hatte over Melhuse? Wrong move. Moves like this are more publicized because they end up going against the A's. But that doesn't change the fact that had Yabu gotten out of that jam, or had Hatte hit 4 homeruns that game, it still was the wrong move. How many times a year does Macha leave the starter in too long, either trying to get him a win, or steal just one more inning out of the guy, and end up getting burned? You have to do what is going to give your team the best chance to win. And most of the time, Yabu over Street and Hatte over Melhuse is going to be the wrong move. You don't know what is going to happen in a game before you go in (unless you're an A's fan and you're predicting an idiotic lineup or stupid pitching changes). You just have to know which players to call for in which situations. Where the fuck was Bradford in that game 5? Street was warmed up; why the fuck wasn't he brought in? And had Macha done both those things, and they STILL turned out poorly, well, that's when we realize that players aren't perfect. Bradford may have allowed that homer to Manny. Street might have come in and promptly allowed the winning run to score. Bases loaded, 1 out, and Manny Ramirez up at the plate? It would be tough for the 1999 Pedro Martinez to get out of that jam. But the right players WEREN'T in the game in those situations. The right players are NEVER in the game in those situations. Macha might as well be using a damn dartboard to decide his moves. And, as expected, he got burned.

I hate Macha because he never gives our best players the chance to win the game. I hate him because he insists on batting our worst hitters 2nd and 4th all season without realizing that there are better options. I hate him because he doesn't fight for the team, and I hate him because he's dumber than dog shit, and listening to him speak is the equivalent of receiving a root canal in your anal cavity. Sean, what I am doing is not 20/20 hindsight. It is you who is using post hoc rationalization in order to defend him, but in the end, whether wittingly or unwittingly, you're defending a criminal, a coward, and a nincompoop. The manager is not simply along for the ride in a baseball season. The manager can and does have an effect on the game. Unfortunately, with Macha, it's never the good kind of effect, only the bad kind.

Do I think Art Howe was better than Macha? Absofrigginlutely I do. Much better? No, not much better. But tangibly better. Howe would have brought in Bradford and Street in those situations, and somebody else would have been pitching to Belliard, I can promise you that. But Howe had his own problems, they were just fewer than Macha's. As far as Macha's bad managing decisions, it's pretty much everything I've described. Macha doesn't know how to adapt, react, or anticipate anything that happens in a game. He'll let himself get backed into a situation where Rincon HAS to face a righty, or where Byrnes HAS to do the same. Other managers toy with him. It's like at the end of a chess game, how some guy will manage to have 3 pawns, a bishop, and a rook (11 points), and his opponent just 2 pawns and 2 knights (8 points), and the underdog will win because he has the ability to use positioning to his advantage, and his opponent is sitting there with his thumbs up his ass, eagerly sacrificing his pieces while trying to get his pawns across the board, but in the end his pawns get killed too because he doesn't have the pieces left to protect them. The underdog had no business winning that game given the situation, but did, because his opponent was a retard. Well, Macha is that retard.

And that's why, every September, our opponents say to us, "Checkmate, Ken. Checkmate."

Thanks for the letter, Sean. If you would like to rebut any or all of my claims, send me a note, and you will be granted a forum on this site. FireMacha.com is not about censorship because it doesn't have to be. We have the truth on our side, and we're just trying to make a difference in people's lives, while at the same time calling Macha a testicle-tickling loser.

Everybody Big Hurts

2006-01-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

With today's news that the A's have signed Frank Thomas, A's fans have a new first choice as to who they'd want bashing Macha's face with a baseball bat. I mean, let's face it...as fun as it would be to do ourselves, Frank Thomas could do much more damage than any of us. My photoshop skills may be less than par, but that picture of Thomas swinging at Macha's face brings me endless joy. It should bring all of us endless joy.

But seriously, even the most optimistic fan doesn't think Frank will make it through the season healthy. What we do think, however, is that Macha will still find a way to screw everything up. There are going to be points throughout the season when we need to weigh leaving Frank in the game for his bat vs. removing him for a pinch runner, and I have no doubt that Macha will screw that up. How should we construct the lineup for when Frank is healthy? Do we bat our new best hitter third, like the old axiom says, or do we move him down in the order because he's slower than continental drift? I would say that I fully expect Macha to fuck up the lineup, but that would be a lot like saying water is wet; it's just assumed at this point. No matter what Macha eventually does with the lineup, I can guarantee you that it'll be stupid. You know, like Macha.

God damn I hate Macha.

January 24th: The Most Depressing Day of the Year

2006-01-24T15:38:00.000-07:00

That's funny, I thought the most depressing day of the year was that day in September when the Angels celebrate their division championship on our field. Guess I was wrong.

"The worst day of the year is every day that Macha is alive."

--Greg

Touche.

This off-season has brought me some hope. Keeping Zito, trading for Bradley, Harden NOT playing in the WBC, the possibility of signing Thomas...

For the first time, IN A LONG TIME, we're adding, not subtracting. And that's a good thing. I SHOULD be optimistic.

But the asshole's still here.

There goes my optimism. As much as I WANT to look forward to the '06 season, I just can't. Not with this asshat still filling out the line-up card.

"Jason [Kendall] is a table-setter. He's a top-of-the-order guy..."

--Ken Macha

Good grief.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And for all you depressed dopes out there, maybe the Mexican Macha can cheer you up.

Like to Laugh at Ken Macha?

2006-01-18T12:37:00.000-07:00

I know I do. Even when it's not really Ken Macha.

Reporter = Ken Macha
Block Tower = Oakland A's
Goofy Kid = A's Fans

Symbolism at it's finest.

If you're not checking break.com every day, you're really missing out.

I have a dream remix

2006-01-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

Martin Luther King was an avid baseball fan. He was shot in the same year the A's moved to Oakland. Coincidence? You bet. But here's the famous speech that he uttered at the Lincoln Memorial back in ought-three (we had to say ought cuz the Kaiser stole our word for sixty), about how much he hated Macha and wished he'd be mauled to death by Grizzly Bears or something. Silver tongue he had, that MLK Jr. And like Yoda do I speak, apparently. But Martin ruled. And not the gay "first snapdragon of the spring" Martin. I'm talking the good Martin. This guy knew what was up. Anywhere, here's the alternate speech that you were never meant to hear:

"I have a dream that one day this Athletics Nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of the following creed: "We hold Ken Macha to be self-evident what a fucking asshole he is: that all men are most definitely not created equal; some of them can use their brains." I have a dream that one day on the brown hills of Oakland, Macha's bloody corpse will be dragged out there and he will be set on fire to live in his own personal hell....you know, until he dies. I have a dream that one day even the state of Pennsylvania, a redneck state, sweltering with idiots, will be transformed into a prison for Ken Macha, and he won't be allowed to leave because he's such a fucking doucherag. I have a dream that my children (my proverbial A's fan children) will one day live in a nation where their team isn't automatically eliminated from postseason play before the season but one where they have a chance to see their favorite ballclub win. I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day the state of California, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with words that nobody can understand (and your motorcycle accident didn't help in that regard), will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and not have their manager be so god damn retarded. I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, the crooked places will be made straight, and Macha will be hung in effigy while he all throw rocks at his head and poke him with sharp things. With this faith our lineups will make sense, our pitching changes will be timely, and our manager will be conscious during games. With this faith we will one day be able to win more ballgames, to stand up and cheer when we win, knowing that we have a chance to win.

This will be the day when some of God's children (the ones who are A's fans) will be able to sing with a new meaning, "Take me out to the ballgame, take me out with the crowd, because our manager isn't a fucking dipshit and watching these bunch of losers might actually be worth my time for once" (GREAT song). Take me out to Anaheim, to Seattle, to New York, to Boston, to Minnesota, and to Tampa Bay. Take me out to the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania. Take me out to the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado. Take me out to the curvaceous peaks of California. But not only that, let Macha be stoned to death in Georgia. Let Macha be attacked by mountain lions or whatever the fuck predators are in Tennessee. Let Macha be shot in the face in Mississippi. From every mountainside, take me out to see Macha's death.

When we let freedom ring, it is because Jason Kendall is batting 9th. Scott Hatteberg isn't batting at all. Barry Zito isn't pitching to Ronnie Belliard when everybody knows that Zito has nothing left. We will be able to speed up that day when our team, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing because they aren't destined to second place. When Ken Macha's bloody, lifeless corpse is hanging on a coat-rack somewhere in the middle of Bumfuck, Ohio, and we're not losing to the Red Sox SOLELY because Macha has the intellectual ability of one of my farts (did you know that Frosted Flakes make your farts much more hilariously smellilicious?), we can all join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last......because Ken Macha is dead of a stab wound to the head!""

It's an honor just to be nominated

2006-01-13T16:30:00.000-07:00

Deadspin.com released their top 3 "Hating Ken Macha" websites, and lo and behold, FireMacha.com took home top billing. We here at Fire Macha would like to thank nobody, because if we thanked all those who made this possible, we'd have to thank Macha for being such a fucking retard, and it'll be a cold day in hell before I ever thank Macha for anything.

Of course, first prize in this contest doesn't seem like such a big deal when you consider that the competition doesn't even accurately fall under the category for which they were nominated, that of "a hater blog devoted to a single person." Neither The Obituarium nor Athletics Nation are "hater blogs," nor are they "devoted to a single person." In fact, the Obituarium isn't even a baseball website.

So yeah, our enthusiasm for being named "The best hater blog devoted to a single person - Ken Macha category" is definitely tempered by the fact that we are the ONLY blog in this category, but first prize is first prize, and we'll take it.

Thanks to all for both your continued support of the website and hatred of Ken Macha.

Happy Friday the 13th

2006-01-13T10:45:00.000-07:00

You know those Friday the 13th movies where Jason hacks people to death? Those were horrible movies. You know that manager Ken Macha that hacks the A's seasons to death? He's a horrible manager.

Ken Macha is a black cat walking in your path. He is a broken mirror. He is the vampire standing there when you've just used the last of your garlic for your spaghetti sauce. He is the full moon. He is spilled salt. He is walking on sidewalk cracks. He is walking under a ladder. He is an open umbrella indoors.

Ken Macha is the worst thing in the history of the world. Today, on the first of what will be two friday the thirteenth's in 2006 (the next one is in October, when instead of playing in the ALDS, our season will be over because Macha is a fucking idiot), it is important to step back for a moment and realize just how cursed this franchise is with him as manager. I once showed a picture of Ken to Medusa, and she turned to stone. A werewolf once knocked on my door, but I didn't have any silver bullets, so I instead printed out a picture of Ken from the internet and threw it at it. The werewolf died instantly.

If you're superstitious, you need to get over it. Seriously, what's the worst thing that could happen? Could Macha's lineups gets any dumber? Could Macha have even less of a clue of when to make a pitching change, when to pinch hit for a batter, and who to put in during those situations? Could Macha possibly care less about this team? There is absolutely nothing that can happen to you today that could make your life worse, because there is absolutely nothing worse than Ken Macha.

There's bad luck......and there's Ken Macha. Give me bad luck any day of the week.

Happy Friday the 13th, A's fans.

The Year in Quotes: 2005 First Quarter

2006-01-11T22:04:00.000-07:00

"This is a dream come true for me. I'm excited to be a member of the Oakland A's and excited to be playing baseball in America."

--Keiichi Yabu, 1/13/2005

"The talks we've had haven't been real substantive so far, but it's something we'd like to get done. Whether it gets done before Spring Training or not, we'll just have to see how things go. But we're obviously pleased with what Kenny's done here, and he deserves to be rewarded."

--Billy Beane, 1/20/2005

"My focus is on the team right now, and I think everything will work out for everybody. ... I have no problem managing with a one-year contract."

--Ken Macha, 2/10/05

"Juan Cruz should be unhittable."

--Jason Kendall, 2/12/2005

"I'm not giving away '05 -- I'll let everyone else do that. I think we've made more improvements than I think we get credit for. The fact is, whatever happens in 2005, we should be better in 2006 and better in 2007, which was not going to be the case otherwise."

--Billy Beane, 2/20/2005

"I honestly don't care. Whatever happens, I really don't care. And I know that's easier said than done, but after last year, it's not that hard."

--Bobby Kielty, 3/3/2005

"We have a Plan A. We're hoping that our young guys -- Haren, Meyer, Blanton -- that they all work out. So we'll have to see how our rotation goes, if our rotation goes as planned."

--Ken Macha, 3/11/2005

"If I continue to have outings like this, obviously I don't see a problem with me making the rotation. I showcased what I can do."

--Seth "Plan D" Etherton, 3/11/2005

"I'd be very surprised if Mark [Ellis] didn't have a big year."

--Dave Hudgens, 3/18/2005

"No pain at all. Everything is back to normal."

--Octavio Dotel, 3/18/2005

"I consider it a great pleasure to have my name associated with a franchise that has such a rich and proud history as the Oakland Athletics. I am excited about our future and working to continue the A's tradition of excellence both on and off the field."

Lew Wolff, 3/30/2005

The Year in Quotes: 2004 Leftovers

2006-01-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

"The last couple of weeks have been horribly difficult. The most important part of the year, and I'm in my biggest funk. I just feel awful, but I've given it everything I have."

--Scott Hatteberg, 10/2/2004

"Of course there's sadness. I grew up here. I've played with these guys for four years. It's almost like a family. That's what sucks about this game, but it's a business and you have to move on."

--Jermaine Dye, 10/3/2004

"I think you could make the argument that he has the chance to be the best catcher this franchise has seen since it moved to Oakland."

--Billy Beane, on Jason Kendall, 11/30/2004

"Obviously that's all you hear: Big Three, Big Three, Big Three. I'm excited, and it's going to be neat to work with guys of that caliber."

--Jason Kendall, 11/30/2004

"The A's window to sign Tim is open now. After March 1, the window is closed. He will not be in Oakland in 2006 if the team doesn't meet this deadline."

--Paul Cohen, 12/1/2004

"We felt fortunate we could get a guy like this. It's a position of need, and Keith (Ginter) will be an upgrade for us."

--Billy Beane, 12/15/2004

"This sucks. It just sucks."

--Tim Hudson, 12/16/2004

"It sucks."

--Mark Mulder, 12/16/2004

"I just want everyone to know how much I loved it in Oakland. In a perfect world, I'd have been able to play there forever, and me and Mark and Barry would always be the Big Three. But it ain't a perfect world, and I know that. It's a business."

--Tim Hudson, 12/16/2004

"I don't even know if they have a word for what I felt. I mean, it was complete and utter shock. I didn't know what to say. It's like I was paralyzed. Billy's talking to me about it, and I honestly couldn't carry on a conversation. My head was swimming, just trying to comprehend what it all means."

--Mark Mulder, 12/18/2004

"It's definitely weird in a way, no doubt. I mean, I've never pitched in a big league rotation without either one of them. We're all friends. We've been like brothers. And now they're both gone in a span of three days. So yeah, of course I'm bummed.

"But what can I do? As you get older in this game, you just realize more and more that it's less a game than it is a business."

--Barry Zito, 12/18/2004

Listen to the Band

2006-01-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

You know the phrase "If you were a horse, they'd have shot you by now?" Actually, I'm not sure if that's a famous phrase or just something my mom used to always tell me when I was growing up, but nevertheless, the extrapolation game has always been a fun one to play. Remember when Al Davis used to load up his football team with track stars, and then wondered why his football teams sucked? Well, Al lost the extrapolation game to a very formidable opponent....logic. Ken Macha has often found himself in a battle to the death with logic, and he loses, miserably, every time. Unfortunately, the whole "battle to the death" thing is a metaphor, because Ken Macha will never die. He's like the undead or something.

Not sure where this is going, so I'll get to the point.

If Macha were a band, would he rule all or would he suck nuts? Well, to all those who thought we'd never be able to definitively answer the question, you're in luck. Because in addition to being a moron and a shitty manager, Macha actually is a band, as well. And lord almighty, does Macha suck nuts. Wow, does he suck. Just read the review that Kate Minson wrote:

This is really awful. Don't be fooled. I think it's the vocals that really kill this for me. This might be listenable if it were all instrumental. The singer has this whispery, trying to be sexy, delivery that is just plain bad. Listen to the "Cat Wants..." track to see what I mean. Sorry, but I feel like I really wasted some cash on this.

Preach on, sister. We can relate, because we've wasted some cash on Macha, as well. But at least you only lost money. A's fans have lost so much more than that. We'd trade places with you if we could.

Anyway, for those of you who enjoy truly godawful music, have a listen to this Macha tune, from their pretentiously self-titled album (because if you're going to name your band after the biggest fucking moron who ever lived, you might as well name your album that, too), called "Double Life." It must be a metaphor. By day, he's a shitty band. By night, he's the worst manager in baseball history.

But don't say you weren't warned. There's a chance this will be the worst song you listen to all year. Enjoy!

Macha "Double Life."

Meet the New Year....Same as the Old Year

2006-01-01T08:16:00.000-07:00

A long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
-Counting Crows

Sorry A's fans, but with Ken Macha's return to the team, there is absolutely no reason to think that this year will be better than the last...or any of the two before that, and no amount of poignant quotes from Adam Duritz to George Bernard Shaw are going to change that.

Macha costs this team about 7-8 wins a year with his lack of brain cells, so we need to be that much better than the Angels on paper in order to win the division. And while I do think that, as of right now, we're a better team than the Angels, I don't think we're 7-8 games better. Injuries and/or trades could change all of that, but for now, the safe money is on Anaheim. Thanks, Ken.

Some people like to look at their calendar on a day like today, and notice that not only has the month changed, but the year has changed, as well. And the poet inside them will think of all the possibilities of the new year, of realized hopes and dreams, of new motivation and ambition, and of the good in this world far outweighing the bad. It is often a time for introspection and self-examination. There are more things on heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophies, and the new year is the perfect time to implement those new philosophies. You might want to re-discover yourself, or put an end to the internecine behavior that is tearing your life apart. Your inanition is your own damn fault, so it's time to change that, and change that you will. Change your philopshies, change your thinking, change your actions, and change your life. If there's going to be a new year, there's going to be a new you.

Unfortunately, the same arbitrary turning of the calendar that sparked the "new you" continues to turn in a system that is far more powerful than any one singular person, and as January turns to February and February becomes March, invariably, you remain the same person you always were. The principle of inertia is strong within you, and it's strong within all of us. Did you really think you were going to run that marathon or write that novel? We cynics enjoy laughing at you hopeless optimists; schadenfreude is all we have. Really, it's all any of us have, because we sure as hell don't have the promise of the new year. For the promise of the new year is just as conjured as Santa Claus or Valentine's day, and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can resign yourself to a fatalist mentality. No, life isn't determined by the stars, life just sucks.

So in 2006, as you're watching Macha trot out the same inefficient lineup day after nauseating day, completely ignoring his bench, and making pitching changes justifiable only to the mentally ill, I want you to ask yourself where you have seen this before.

Meet the New Year.....Same as the Old Year.

Ken "Joe Morgan" Macha

2005-12-31T08:20:00.000-07:00

I recently came across an interview Ken Macha gave at the winter meetings. Naturally, most of what he said was idiotic or non-sensical; this is Macha after all. And since imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, I would like to make some flattery towards one of my favorite blogs out there, and pretty much completely rip off their style. Original thought is soooooooo last year.

So, from this Macha interview, I intend to do just that.

Q. How much have you thought about the pitching staff next year, knowing there could be significant changes? Is it too early to even toying with stuff like that?

KEN MACHA: One of the positive things I've thought about is right now we've got 11 quality Major League pitchers. You've written about seven starters that we have, and then you've got Calero and Witasick under contract. Going into the season last year, we were not sure at all what we had. We had some young and some good arms so now we've got 11 guys that have proven they can go out and pitch and pitch well. So that's my thought right now.

I think a lot has been made of having too many starters. I don't think that's a difficult problem. That's a nice problem to have. Joe Kennedy pitched very well out of the bullpen. I'm not saying that's where he's ticketed to go just yet.

Part of our turnaround in the second half, particularly right after the All-Star Break was due to what he had done, pitching in the bullpen. So when you've got 11 good pitchers, that's something positive to look at.

This is a pretty good way to start the interview. Ken was asked two questions, and somehow didn't answer either one of them. What he did think about, however, was that having 11 good pitchers is a good thing. I guess I'd agree with him on that, but it didn't really answer the question as asked. This is going to be a common theme throughout the interview, so brace yourselves for that. And Joe Kennedy's addition to the bullpen had nothing to do with the turnaround. The turnaround began on May 30; Kennedy arrived on July 11th. But he was close. Close to only being mostly retarded, instead of completely.

Q. Is there a need for a guy with big game, more of a veteran, experienced guy in that staff?

KEN MACHA: We don't have a guy that's a big name veteran guy?

Saucy, sarcastic Ken. He's talking about Barry Zito here. Ken, you adorable little ragamuffin. You are so deliciously evil.

Q. Do you feel this is an important year just in terms of showing that he can stay healthy for six months and make 30-plus starts and pitch 200-plus innings?

KEN MACHA: Well, I don't know if you would say it was important. I mean, he's under contract for how many more years. I think probably important for himself and his psyche to be able to go out there, 30-plus starts, give us 200 innings and win some ballgames for us. So I know that not having him in May and then again August and September has really hurt our club, not having him for the whole year would be important for me and important for the A's.

Allow me to repeat what Ken said here. "Not having [Harden] for the whole year would be important for me and important for the A's."

Important, professor? Not having one of the best pitchers in baseball for the whole year would be "important," for both you and the A's? This is our manager, A's fans. Ken Macha, the broken thesauras.

Q. Would you be surprised if Barry is not back with you guys next year?

KEN MACHA: Let me put it this way: I want Barry back. I hope he's back. I think he made a nice jump in his overall game last year, and a nice jump in the leadership qualities that he has in a pitching staff. With all of those young guys behind him, he led by example, he was our lead guy, the No. 1 guy going out there. And when you're that guy, you're pitching against the other team's best people, too. So overall, I think 13, that's still a pretty good year. Who knows, there might be improvement from there.

Once again Ken fails to answer the question. But he did go on another 8 sentence tangent covering everything from Zito's win total (which, naturally, he got wrong) to who he was pitching against. You'd think a guy who excels in the monosyllabic would be able to answer a question that only requires a one syllable answer, but I guess not.

Q. Any help from your Minor League system that you feel will be a surprise in Spring Training?

KEN MACHA: Well, Andre Ethier had a great year in AA and was promoted to AAA. We saw him in Spring Training a little bit. For the most part, all of your young guys were there last year, so we're looking for, I don't know, if you look around at Ellis, relatively short amount of playing time, two years, I believe, Crosby two years now, Swisher in his second year and Dan Johnson, and then the pitching staff are real young there. So we've got a lot of young guys there. We're hoping they can continue their progress.

Ken was asked about minor leaguers who might be a surprise in spring training, and reeled off the names of Mark Ellis, Bobby Crosby, Nick Swisher, and Dan Johnson. Minor leaguers all of them. He came so dangerously close to giving a thoughtful, cogent answer when he was briefly talking about Andre Ethier (the interview was given when Ethier was still on the team), but thinking linearly must have given Ken headaches, so he decided to go off on another wild tangent.

Q. Given the fact that three of your pitchers are still in the development stage of their big league careers and Barry, they have all given Barry a lot of credit for helping them through last year, how much is that a part of your desire to have Barry back?

KEN MACHA: I think the cohesiveness of the staff is very important. I know I'm sitting on the bench and when these guys are out pitching, I'm always counting making sure all the of the guys not pitching that day are on the bench. The togetherness of the team and the way those guys helped each other out was tremendous. I'm hoping very much that we can keep Barry.

Didn't actually answer the question here, either. He did say that he wanted Barry back in the interests of cohesiveness, but I suppose a brief statement on how the return of Zito would help Harden, Blanton, and Haren continue to develop would be too much to ask. Kind of like how a decent lineup is too much to ask.

Q. Do you think it will happen?

KEN MACHA: Do I think it will happen? We want to keep him. What are the odds? If it was up to me, 95 percent he's coming back it.

I just look at Dan Haren and I think we're going to try to encourage him to use his changeup a little more this year. He's got great stuff, the other pitches that he throws, he has a tendency to get his pitch counts up a little bit. The way Barry uses his changeup, just Dan watching the way Barry uses his changeup would be helpful for Dan.

If we can get him to get his pitch count down a little more and a little further into the game, I think some of the times as I can remember he had some games where 115, 120 pitches. And then the next game, it kind of took a toll. He's not going to admit that but he got nicked around a little bit in the next game. If we can get him to stay in a little bit over 100 to 110 and still get out of the game I think it would be helpful overall.

If we can get another right-handed bat that's a power threat in the lineup, that would be very good. Chavez, Dan Johnson, Swisher is a little better from the left-hand side, get those right-handed bats, spread everything out would be a big help.

If it were up to you, 95% he's coming back? What the hell does that even mean? He's asking your opinion here. Do you think Zito is coming back, he wanted to know. If you had said that you were 95% sure that Zito would be returning, that would have answered the question. Naturally, you failed. And that three paragraph tangent on Dan Haren's changeup, pitch counts (not even sure if you're talking about Zito or Haren here) and the need for a right handed hitter that has less than nothing to do with anything is merely icing on the retard cake. This is probably my favorite answer Ken gave, just because it's so god damn stupid. Just like Ken. I doubt that even Military codebreakers could decipher this nonsense, so I'm not even going to bother.

Q. Are you still leaning towards Jason leading off?

KEN MACHA: Not necessarily. I think Ellis. I'm thinking Ellis has earned the right to go hit lead off. So where that puts everybody else in the lineup, we'll have to see.

YES!!! Not only did Ken give a clear, concise answer to the question, but it also makes sense from a baseball standpoint. My world was just turned topsy-turvy, and I'm not sure what to think anymore. This reminds me of the way my head was spinning moments after I got my first blowjob at 17, right before I took a nap. When I woke up, I believe I drank a Snapple. Mango Madness has always been my flavor of choice.

Q. What are the chances of Nick getting more time at first base?

KEN MACHA: That will depend on what we do, if we're getting another bat. I think it's going to be important to have four bench players, four guys that are able to go in there and not sit like we did with Adam last year, he was sitting the whole season. If we can get people a little more involved, maybe we can get more production.

So see if we get a Frank Thomas, then you're looking at a number of positions where Payton, Kotsay, Swisher, Johnson, Frank Thomas, you've got five guys for six spots and you should be able to make sure everybody gets a whole lot of playing time. It's not like you have six players for three spots, and still give everybody some rest. Like Kotsay, he had gotten his rest, as compared to giving him a day off and maybe not losing him for four or five, seven days.

Once again, this interview was before the Bradley trade, so Ken's first sentence actually does make sense. What doesn't make sense, however, are the two paragraphs following that. First of all, between the outfield, DH, and 1B, there are only 5 spots, not 6. And whose fault do you think it was that Melhuse was sitting all season? You had the worst catcher and worst DH in baseball, and yet you still found a way to get Melhuse less AB's than Keith Ginter, you fucking moron. And that last sentence about Kotsay might as well be in another language.

Q. When did he have surgery? Did he not have surgery?

KEN MACHA: You're asking the wrong guy. He said he didn't want to have it from what I understand. Can't make the guy have it. They think it's manageable. After all, he only missed -- what did he miss last year? Two, three, maybe three games. That's really a lot to ask out of a guy.

Asking you anything is asking the wrong guy, but I do find it funny that somwhere in that 7 sentence rant about nothing is the fact that Chavez and the team doctors decided against surgery. Do we give you half credit because the correct answer was in your answer, or do we attribute it to the "million monkeys working on a million typewriters" syndrome? Yeah, I'm going to have to go with the latter.

Q. Is he a guy who is really a better player with protection with a hot-hitting Crosby or a healthy Frank Thomas?

KEN MACHA: 2004, his discipline at the plate was terrific. He led the league in walks, I believe.

This year, got a little bit away from that. Be it protection or whatever, he's trying to do too much. He's trying to do too much, then you're having somebody behind him would probably help him out.

He said that he played 160 games, he went out there every game. One of the things I admire about Eric is just watching him from afar, he enjoyed going out there. He had fun when he went out there and played, his intensity level was always high, and he's got a great desire to win. So he's got a lot of positive things going for him. I mean, you can always look at certain parts of his game and pull it apart and be negative about it but you could probably do that with every player. For me, he had a good year.

Yet another question Ken doesn't answer. We're all glad that Eric has fun and has a great desire to win, but the question was whether or not he would benefit from some more protection in the lineup. Even studies done by scholars have been unable to conclude whether protection is a quantifiable commodity, so I certainly don't expect a half-wit like Ken to give a definitive answer on the subject, but talking about Chavez' walks and his intensity level is just precious. Preciously retarded.

Q. What is it about Gerald Perry that made you go with him?

KEN MACHA: Well, working with Gerald, I enjoyed the year that Gerald was there with me. He has great rapport with the players, solid citizen, excellent teacher. He was with the Mariners when they won 116 games, so he knows what he's doing. He's worked with veteran guys.

One of the interesting things that I really liked about him is when he was a player with Atlanta, Willie Stargell was one of the coaches, and Willy would talk to him a lot about situations and how the pitcher is going to pitch him, what to look for and how situations differ. Hopefully Gerald will be able to bring that home.

Well, if you think Perry is a solid citizen and an excellent teacher, those would be two very good reasons to hire the guy as a hitting coach. But giving him credit for the Mariners 116 win season is just stupid, just like it would be stupid to blame him for the Pirates sucking offensively the last couple of years. Ken obviously doesn't have the best understanding of cause and effect, but what do you expect from the guy who says that not having Harden for the whole year is "important?"

Personally, I hope Perry punches Macha in the face the same way he cold-cocked Dave Duncan, and I would have hired the guy based solely on that, if it were up to me. I'm hoping for similar results from a Milton Bradley blowup.

'Tis the Season

2005-12-22T14:48:00.000-07:00

Dear A's fans,

Today it was made official that next year, the A's will be closing the third deck of the coliseum. A tarp will be placed over the seats on which advertisements from various businesses will be placed. Well, we at FireMacha would like to advertise our own little site on the seats, and Roman has created a vision of what that would look like.

Unfortunately, advertising isn't cheap, so we need your help. If you can donate any amount to the cause, please do so. Go ahead and sign the petition with your name, the amount you would be willing to donate, and any other message you would like to convey. Every little bit helps. There is no donation too small.

So this holiday season, instead of giving to charities, or spending your hard earned money on your friends and loved ones (or family, a group that encompasses neither friend nor loved one), give your money to something that really, truly matters; getting rid of Ken Macha.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
FireMacha.com

Macha Ride

2005-12-22T08:17:00.000-07:00

Just hear those brain cells sputtering putt putt puttering too
Come on, it's shitty weather will you ever make a good move?
Outside the fans are crying our season is dying too
Why oh why did you pinch hit for Dye with Melhuse?

Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ kill me
Why can't he see
How fucking stupid can one be
Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ fuck you
And your parents too
For bringing you into the world I'm about to hurl you stooge

We've learned our lesson from the ass-raping sessions oh well
You'll always do what's stupid you putrid spawn from hell
We fans start to tremble cuz your brain resembles a slough
It's not the be all and end all to bat Jason Kendall leadoff

Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ kill me
Why can't he see
How fucking stupid can one be
Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ Jesus-Christ fuck you
And your parents too
For bringing you into the world I'm about to hurl you stooge

List'ning to your interviews makes me want to spew turds
My world crumbles as you stumble and mumble your words
What did we ever do to deserve a fuck like you, Ken?
Ev'ry September you engender our pitiful chokejobs again

Jews Hate Macha, too

2005-12-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Roman and I like to consider this a secular blog. We don't divide the world into black or white, or Christian and non-Christian. As far as we're concerned, there exist only two religions on this planet: Those who hate Macha, and idiots. We don't believe in God, only the anti-Christ. Why did Constantinople get the works? Because Christians are pussies, that's why. And I mean, geez..if Macha's brain isn't the perfect metaphor for spending 40 years wandering the desert, I don't know what is. So if you're a Jew who also happens to hate Macha, then pull up a chair, grab a latke, boil that meat, and enjoy the show. This one's for you.

The Macha Song

Macha's little brain
Is made out of shit
He can never use it
Cuz he's a damn half wit

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Days after being fired
He's begging on his knees
Not only is he stupid
He has no dignity

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Billy got my job back
Apparently he's blind
As long as I'm the skipper
2nd place are we confined

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Kendall's batting leadoff
I'll have another beer
I get awfully thirsty
Making one lineup per year

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Kennedy in Texas
Zito in Cleveland
Ken will leave them in too long
Cuz he's asleep again

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Next to me Prince Valium
Is an insomniac
I'm a fucking moron
This is scientific fact

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

Our past if filled with what-ifs
Like what if Ken were smart
And were capable of more than just
A watery brain fart

O Macha, Macha, Macha
No brain activity
Macha, Macha, Macha
How stupid can you be?

The moral of the story
Is that we are fucked with Ken
As long as he's the skipper
We'll never win again

Macha Bells

2005-12-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

Treading through April
Sucking ass in May
We keep losing games
Cuz Macha's fucking gay
Street starts closing wins
Chavy hits in June
Helps to cover up the fact that
Ken's a looney toon.

Oh, Macha bells, Macha bells
Kill yourself today
What fun it is to watch you fuck up
Yet another game
Macha bells, Macha bells
You penis licking fuck
The last three years were proof enough
You really fucking suck.

What will next year hold
We can't win with Ken
For he's about as smart as
A junkie in a crack den
He will cost us wins
I'll tell you that right now
Cuz he's as dumb as sin
As stupid as a cow
In the year two-thousand six
It will be revealed
That again we get to watch the Angels
Party on our field

Oh, Macha bells, Macha bells
Kill yourself today
What fun it is to watch you fuck up
Yet another game
Macha bells, Macha bells
You penis licking fuck
The last three years were proof enough
You really fucking suck.

A Christmas Wish List

2005-12-17T19:17:00.000-07:00

Santa reads my comments. So if there's anything you really want for Christmas, feel free to add it.

The Ken Macha Holiday Song Fest

2005-12-16T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Oakland fans,
This holiday season, I will be telling the story of Ken Macha in song form....holiday song form. The story will not necessarily be chronological, as I am often hampered by the constraints of the song itself (and sometimes have to take a liberty with song length), and my genius is more of a free-flowing variety. I'm also ridiculously attractive, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you the first installment of the Ken Macha Holiday Song Fest.....

Macha the Red-Nosed Asshole

Macha the Red-Nosed Asshole
Had a fully worthless brain
He never learns from his gaffes
He always makes mistakes again
(and again and again and again)

All of the other skippers
Still they laugh and call him names
They know when they're playing Oakland
They don't have to use their brains

Macha will manage for them
Grady and the Sox say "hi"
Things were looking bleak for Boston
Then the asshole pinch hit for Dye

The dumbest decision ever
It couldn't have been any more wrong
When you left the entire season
Up to Terrence "Fuck me in the Goat-ass" Long
(you stupid fucking moron)

Then one October afternoon
We thought your ass was gone
When you thought your contract writ
Was worth more than a piece of shit

Then all the fans were happy
No longer are we cursed with Ken
Next year, with another skipper
We can finally win again

to be continued...........

A Milton Bradley Game

2005-12-14T10:49:00.000-07:00

By now, everyone knows that Billy Beane was for bat at the recent Winter Meetings. And while he made public that he was willing to take a on the oft-injured and aging Big Hurt, I was hoping he'd take an even bigger and trade for a guy known more for his past , than for his sweet-swing and defensive prowess.
After the Macha debacle, I just wanted Billy to . I wasn't asking for Giles or Konerko. I didn't want Billy to give up Zito for Thome or Howard. I just wanted him to add a cheap, but effective, bat that could give some protection to everyone's favorite Gold Glove. He wouldn't have to give up much or even add a lot of payroll, he just had to take that big .
And wouldn't you know it, Billy pulled the trigger. Yesterday, he traded for the and I couldn't be happier. I'm more giddy than a .

Now I can only hope and pray that Ken Macha is the target of Uncle Milty's next . And maybe if we're REALLY lucky, Jason Kendall will get caught in the . I wouldn't blame Milton if he went off on Macha. All he'd have to do is say and that'd be good enough for me.

So, welcome aboard, Milton. I can't wait until you're all healed from your latest and back on the field...strangling Ken Macha.

Oakland Signs Esteban Loaiz-huh??

2005-11-28T16:26:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I don't get it either. I'm not even trying to "get" it.

"We're giving Esteban friggin Loaiza twenty one million dollars? Okie-dokie."

--Me, to myself.

I guess the first ASSumption everyone is making is that we're trading Zito. I guess that'd be a fair ASSumption to make, considering what occured last off-season. But wasn't everyone ASSuming that we'd make "one last run with the Big 3" just one year ago? I know I was.

My assuming days are over. Remember when I thought we'd make a deadline deal? Or when I thought we fired Macha? Yeah, that was stupid. Fool me twice...

I'll leave the assuming to you dopes.

We're trading Zito for a power, right-handed bat! Billy's intentionally ruining the market for the Angels and Rangers! We're trading Zito for Conor Jackson and Carlos Quentin! By over-paying for Loaiza, Billy's driving up the price for Saarloos, Kennedy and Cruz! We're trading Zito for Dunn! We're signing Nomar next!

I don't know what the hell this all means. Billy does and, really, that's all that matters. He's made good moves before and he's made terrible moves before. I'm going to wait until all the dominos fall until I form my final opinion.

So "In Billy we Trust" and all that bullshit. We're all rooting for the name on the front, not the names on the back, right?

Thanks For Nothing, You Damn Turkey

2005-11-24T14:38:00.000-07:00

I'd like to take a moment to wish a happy thanksgiving to everybody in this world that is not Ken Macha. Even vegetarian animal rights activists can agree on the fact that Macha is one turkey who deserves to be slaughtered, skinned, baked, basted, and carved on a dinner table next to those giant ostentacious squash decorations that everybody gets. But I digress. Today is a day of remembrance where white people such as myself like to take a moment and give thanks for the fact that it was so easy to get the damn Indians off our land that we rightfully stole from them. I mean, if they were going to complain about us burning down all their little Indian villages during and after the Revolutionary War, what did they expect was going to happen?

"Trail of tears? Not for us, it wasn't"
-Andrew Jackson

Anyway, the point is that sometimes in order to truly understand another person's or people's plight, you have to spend some time walking in their shoes. And for the last three years, A's fans have been playing the part of the Native Americans while Ken Macha has been slaughtering our season while still collecting the benefits of being a major league manager and drawing a large paycheck. The Cherokee were forced to live with the reality that their new home was Arkansas, and A's fans are forced to live with the reality of second place in perpetuity. Personally, I'd rather have my entire family murdered and displaced than have to live with one more second of Macha as a manager, but unfortunately, I don't get to make that decision. Just as the Indians were powerless to stop the agression of the white man, I am powerless to remove Ken Macha from his post as A's manager. If you ask me, the Indians got off easy.

But anyway, on the media driven creation of parades and lost productivity that is Thanksgiving, let's stop and take a moment to give thanks for what is actually good:

1) The annual Macha-led September collapse is still more than 9 months away.
2) It will be over 4 months before Kendall, batting leadoff, weakly grounds to third in a game that counts in the standings
3) Bobby Crosby has gone almost 3 entire months without breaking a bone.
4) It's been well over 6 weeks since Macha singlehandedly lost a game for us.
5) In about a month, I get to see my friend's mom (age 51), who is still one of the hottest women on the planet. His sister, too.
6) The number of automatic double play makers in our lineup next year will be halved on day's when Kielty isn't playing against a right handed pitcher.
7) For about the next 16 weeks, Macha can schedule his naps from 7pm-10pm all he wants, and it won't bother me.

See? There's a lot of good in this world; all you have to do is take the time and look for it. Ken Macha may be to managing what Gigli was to movies, but in the month of November, I'm not going to let it bother me. And that's what Thanksgiving is all about.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

A simple suggestion for Ken

2005-11-11T09:16:00.000-07:00

'Nuff said.