Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The crushing sound of inevitability

I bet most of you are wondering why this blog has gone almost two full months without a real post. Since Macha cost us the win on July 17th, I estimate that he's probably cost us about 3-4 games since then, not to mention all the idiotic moves he's made that just didn't happen to be fatal, so there's been ample opportunity to wax poetic or just swear like a fucking sailor about how detrimental that idiot is to our team.

And there's no good answer to that. I could give you some bullshit about how Roman has undergone a pretty big life sex change recently or that I've been busy moving and getting ready to go to even more school (like I need to get any smarter), but we all know that would be bullshit. I guess the best I can come up with is that I don't really care. The A's are in the process of committing the single biggest September collapse in the history of baseball, and I just don't care. I've written over and over again how this season would play out: start out slow, hot in the middle, choke in September. Go ahead, check the records. I don't feel like digging them up, but they're there. So this isn't surprising.

But I just don't care. I don't care that Macha decided to leave Kennedy in to face one of the best hitters in baseball when he clearly didn't have much (in his second inning of work) when first base was open and he could have brought in one of the best relievers in baseball to face a hitter who is much less of a threat, particularly against right handed pitchers. There is no possible rational argument you can construct to defend this move. Macha had yet another of his deer in the headlights moments, and instead of realizing that Kennedy was getting raped like an African Tutsi, left him in so Morneau could jam his baseball bat so far up his rectal cavity that the other end was sticking out of Greenland. I mean, why bring in your 8th inning setup guy in the 8th inning? That would be fucking batshit insanity.. The easiest solution is to just let your lefty go two innings, especially since that would likely make him unavailable for the next afternoon's day game, and watch helplessly once again as your team fritters away a huge lead.

But I don't care. I don't care that the A's are choking like a porn star with a gag reflex. It happens every September under Macha, and this year will be no different. Actually, it'll be a little different. You see, the last two September's, the A's didn't have a lead of more than 6.5 games when they had their ribs surgically removed so they could choke on their own dicks. That number is important because no team with a lead of 6.5 games in September has ever not made the playoffs, until this year of course, when the A's 8.5 game lead will be blown away faster than an overbooked Thai masseuse. So this year's choke will not only be unprecedented, it will be historic. Congrats, Ken. Nobody in baseball history has ever asphyxiated on their own mushroom tip like you. You should be proud.

But I don't care, and neither should you. As you listen to the A's cough and gag and vomit away their season, just realize that no amount of Robitussin could possibly cure them (unless you can drink enough Robitussin so that it's fatal, in which case I would recommend killing Macha with a hammer or something. Actually, do that anyway), so just accept it and move on. The A's are not going to make the playoffs this year. And if they do, they will be ousted in the 1st round again by a vastly superior team. And personally, I would rather they lose the division in September. Losing in October gets you national derision. At least September choking isolates the scorn to a more regional level. I say, let's choke on a smaller scale. If you choke to death at Taco Bell, you'd be lucky to get a passing mention in your local paper's obituary. But if you choke and die while raping the Queen of England at an abortion clinic (she was there because you had raped her a couple of weeks earlier, too), there's a good chance that you might make the local news. You see how this works? Man, what a perfect analogy.

So stop caring. It's what I did. The A's will either make the playoffs or they will not make them. I don't give a shit either way.

Because do you hear that? The train of inevitability is sputtering down the tracks. The lights are flashing and the gates are down, and that train ain't stopping until it gets to Chokeville: Population A's.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Despair is a narcotic. It lulls the mind into indifference."
-Charlie Chaplin

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 1:04:00 AM  
Anonymous smac said...

It was almost as if he intentionally meant to lose the game.

Duke in the 8th; Street in the 9th. Pretty fucking simple.

Oh how I loathe them. Each and every one of them. And you can see it, too, in the body language. They're all tightening up. gutless cunts.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 10:20:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I try to have hope, really I do. But seeing Macha in the dugout in the 8th with an absolutely blank look on his face after the double... I felt almost sorry for him. Try to rally the team, get pissed off, anything but the blank useless stare. After listening to the fabulous TV heads talking about how the A's never win in Minnesota, and how Macha can't wait to get back to outdoor baseball.. damn, its no wonder they are so uninspired right now.

Milton Bradley should manage them.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 3:11:00 PM  
Anonymous Ken Macha sucks cock said...

I hate bandwagon bloggers almost as much as I hate bandwagon fans.

This used to be a fun site.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 8:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hmm...I don't think so.

Sunday, September 17, 2006 11:58:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a fine writer, but you're in the wrong field; there is nothing about baseball that you understand.

Sunday, September 17, 2006 8:17:00 PM  
Blogger Solnichka Frankenstein said...

Anonymous posts are lame.

Macha did blow Tuesday's game, but Haren saved his ass on Wednesday, and now Thomas is saving his ass in the entire month of September.

But Macha will still find a way to blow the first-round playoff series. Watch.

Monday, September 18, 2006 8:11:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


Saturday, October 07, 2006 5:46:00 PM  

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