Thursday, June 15, 2006

Faster than a speeding turd

A drunk speeding turd...A drunk speeding Tijuana Turd

When you're in the comedy business, there are times when the game can be a grind. Even I occasionally suffer through an episode of comedy writer's block. Now, I know what you're going to say; You're going to say, "But Greg, your sense of humor is so distinguished, sophisticated, and mature. Surely that never goes on vacation." But let me tell you, it happens to the best of us. After all, funny can have so many different meanings, the same way "We're just friends" can often mean "he likes her, but she's dating some Italian cocksucker" (purely hypothetical, btw). However, there do exist times when the jokes just write themselves. The postman knocks on your door and says "special delivery from obvious," and all you have to do is copy and paste the hilarity onto your blog, and reap the rewards.

Friends, this is one of those times.

With news coming out late last night that the Tijuana Turd was arrested for driving drunk, I think I speak for all of us when I say our reaction was "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, what a jackass!" I think I also speak for all of us when I say, "Is there any way this could be the impetus to getting out from under his Damocles-ian contract?" I sure hope so. It worked for the Rockies with Denny Neagle, after all. And surely solicitation of a prostitute is far less offensive than driving drunk, right?

Now, mind you, we here at FireMacha are not casting judgement. Let he who is without sin do something or other. If Loaiza wants to get hammered to try and forget his season, that's fine and dandy with us. I think I've lost count of how many beers I've been forced to consume watching Loaiza "pitch." And after all, drunk driving would never be the least bit tragic if those stupid innocent bystanders could just stop hogging the sidewalks that we alcoholics love to drive down. Sheesh.

However, you gotta give Stevie his props. Every time I'm a little inebriated and get behind the wheel, after I intentionally run down a few elderly people and then some children, I try to obey the laws of the road as best I can. After all, you can't fail a breatha-Loaiza test (if breatha-Loaiza isn't the funniest fucking thing you've ever read, then Macha can eat a goat's dick) if the cop doesn't pull you over. Turns out Este-auto-bahn (am I on a fucking roll or what?) was cruising down Hwy 238 at speeds in excess of 120 miles per hour. A mexican speeding near Hayward? Jesus, the dude never had a chance. Oh well, he'll be able to pay those hefty DUI fines with some of the 21 million he's stealing from us, so it's not like this will hit him in the pocketbook or anything. And if Leonard Little has taught us nothing else, it's that even mediocre professional athletes are immune from those pesky little laws like "Don't drink and drive." So Esteban should be ok. And in the end, isn't that what's most important?

As for the A's, they keep winning because it's June. And in June, even Macha doing something stupid like batting Kielty against a right-hander turns out well, and the red haired freakazoid will bust out 2 hits, runs, and RBI. So....yeah.

Now, let's all point and laugh at Loaiza. If nothing else, this makes insulting the dude a lot easier in the future.

What a turd...a Tijuana Turd.


Blogger The Anti-Blez said...

As I posted at Pathetics Nation last night, Loaiza is not only a liability on the mound, he also could have killed somebody driving that way.

It's time for Beano to admit he was wrong (once again) and dump his Tijuana Turd, pronto!

I don't care if he "won" today. He's a loser in real life.

Thursday, June 15, 2006 4:59:00 PM  

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