Monday, May 29, 2006

The Highest Highs

Greetings, friends! My self-imposed hiatus from the Athletics was initally scheduled to be a brief two or perhaps three day affair. However, I never expected that my life would change so dramatically, and for the better, with baseball no longer a part of it.

My blood pressure, conservatively estimated at 900/250, has now decreased to more normal levels. My ulcers are dissipating, and the rage that had controlled my life for the better part of twenty years is now gone. I was 25 going on 200; I am now a kid again. I am finally and once again capable of enjoying life; not just living, but LIVING! I haven't watched baseball for three days now, and I am unaware of the results of the last two. Finally, I am free, free, free at last. Thank God almighty, I am free at last.

The evening sunset is something I have never really enjoyed in my life, for I was always holed up in the solitary confinement that was watching baseball. But I have been going on nature hikes during normally scheduled baseball hours. I have brought along my vibrant, happy-go-lucky labrador retriever to the interminable mountain ranges of Walnut Creek; he has run, jumped, and pranced through the golden rolling hills. He has swam in the sparkling blue waters. He has chased squirrels and cavorted with other dogs, all the while with a smile on his face. And this, friends, brings a smile to my face.

I have enrolled in my first ever yoga class. As I stretch, I can feel myself stretching upwards to heaven; free of the shackles of baseball that had chained me to the despair ridden earth for so long. Reach, reach, reach for the sky, I am free at last!

Friends, watching the Oakland Athletics had become not a pastime, but a prison sentence. My freedom had been taken from me until I wrestled it back from the grim hands of Satan. I may never again watch another baseball game, and that thought brings me not sadness, but joy. Joy that was seemingly indescrible and unattainable a mere seven days ago, but now rests in my grip in a symbiotic partnership between myself and happiness. Dear readers, I urge you all to rid yourselves of the hold baseball has on you. Free yourself from baseball, and you, like me, will truly be free.

Gone from my life is anguishing over the dormant countenance and inexplicable employment of a certain grandfatherly individual. Gone from my life are four letter words such as RISP and GIDP. Instead, they have been replaced by an imperturbable calm, an almost halycon-like serenity.

May all of your souls one day join mine soaring throughout the shimmering expanse of the infinite. May your spirits join mine on an ascension towards the heavenly celestials. May you procure neverending peace. May you enjoy a harmonious existence in the tranquility of a baseball-free world. There is beauty everywhere. I see it now. I see what all along I have been missing.

Join me, dear readers. Join me in my new world where there exists no valleys, only peaks. No lows, only highs. Join me in my new life without the Oakland Athletics.

Join me as I reach the highest highs.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

FIRE MACHA NOW!!! How could you be losing to the royals. He's a fucking asshole.

Monday, May 29, 2006 8:22:00 PM  
Blogger goodmeat2000 said...

When I was much younger, before I decided my body was a temple, I used to smoke some amazing shit too. And I didn't care that the A's were a truly miserable team, regularly losing 100 games each year. I took much the same path, grasshopper, to MY freedom. Now, much stronger, wiser, and insightful, I can watch 'brilliant' minds force my beloved A's into an imploded state with almost no perceptible feelings of rage. Well, that little twitch on the side of my temple is still noticeable, but I'm pretty good at blaming that on the Mountain Dew or the hours I am working. Peace out, friend.

Monday, May 29, 2006 9:08:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ken Macha and Billy Beane are the devil. Congrats Greg on your new found serenity, perhaps I will join you in the near future and kiss off the A's for good. Watching the A's on a daily basis is shaving decades off my life, too bad Ken Macha will live to be 150 due to his uncanny ability to sleep through games and cost the A's sure wins.

Monday, May 29, 2006 9:13:00 PM  
Blogger The Anti-Blez said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Monday, May 29, 2006 11:25:00 PM  
Blogger The Anti-Blez said...

Kansas Shitty beats Chokeland.

It's the end of the world as we know it.

Monday, May 29, 2006 11:26:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're an inspiration to us all, Greg.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 6:51:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you sir. Thank you for hope. This is an excerpt from an email I sent to all of my A's friends this morning......

You know I went to the game last night. Family in tow, completely decked out in the green and gold. My son with his #1 sponge finger, my daughter chanting "let's go Zito" (couldn't break it to her that Haren was pitching). I was in pre-game bliss. A great family outing wouldn't be ruined by a loss. Not today. Not at home against the worst team in baseball. Losers of 15 of their last 16 games. hummmm......Macha still has Swisher in the #2 hole and Kotsay in the 3 hole. HA! Even Macha's idiotic lineup can't ruin this game. He could bat Kendall cleanup and we're still gonna mop up with the hapless Royals I thought.

Fast forward to the seventh. Dad's looking for booze, real booze. Mumbling something about how F*ing horrible the teams is. Mumbling so only the 4 rows immediately behind and in front of him can hear. Yelling at his son for doing the wave. Intentionally pouring coke on the guy with Royals hat sitting in front of him. Checking the horizon to see if the sun has mercifully set yet, so the fireworks could begin.

Then, this morning, I see this post from my fellow Macha hater. That guy is me. With the 900/250 blood pressure. I WILL join him. I will let go. I will survive.

I don't know what I'll do with all my free time now. Maybe I'll play with my kids more, or take up a new hobby. Maybe I'll get some work done on the house, or see what the buzz behind American Idol is all about. I know what I won't be doing at 7:05 tonight. Free at last.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 11:01:00 AM  
Anonymous smac said...

I'm proud of you. this will give you even more time to chase those fat chicks you like so much. nw

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 3:41:00 PM  
Anonymous TheDukeOfWellington said...

that's it, I'm done

they just lost the series to the Royals and will probably be swept tomorrow

I'm taking a break. It's been impossible for me to do the last decade, but tonight is what will finally allow me to live peacefully.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 11:48:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So you idiots on this blog really believe that getting rid of Macha would solve all of the A's problems, huh? Are you nuts? You guys worship Beane and sang the praises of every move he's ever made, good or bad. You guys insisted that Chavez would be a superstar; insisted that Crosby is already better than Tejada; hailed the Kendall trade as a stroke of genius; etc., etc....

So now that the players that Beane put together have not exactly panned out what do you do? YOU BLAME THE MANAGER!!!! Now, I'm no Macha fan. In fact I don't know of a single A's fan who thinks Macha is a good manager. But to put all of the team's misfortunes on Macha's shoulders when he isn't the one who chose the players is just plain asinine. And guess who hired the manager??? Smart, really smart! Why don't you just go root for the Yankees and be done with it.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 3:40:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where did you get the impression that we all love Billy Beane? We all HATE Billy Beane for his boneheaded trades, his insistance on acquiring injury-plagued players, but ESPECIALLY for his continued undervaluing of the manager and his rewarding Ken Macha with a three year contract extension despite two straight September collapses that kept the A's out of the playoffs. This isn't AN, the authors and frequent readers of this blog hate Billy Beane and aren't afraid to speak the truth.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 4:19:00 AM  
Blogger EiO IMAGES/ Kerry Haas said...

Oh sweetie...did you finally crack?

Wednesday, May 31, 2006 9:34:00 AM  

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