Great Solutions, by Ken Macha
The team isn't hitting. With the exception of Swisher and Chavez, everybody sucks right now. There isn't much Macha can do when everybody sucks, but that doesn't stop him from still finding ways to fuck everything up. So far this season, there has only been one thing that was working in this lineup, and that was having Swisher and Chavez in adjacent spots in the order. Of course, once Ken saw that something was working, he couldn't break up those two fast enough. Now, we're getting steady doses of Crosby or Kotsay in the three spot separating Swish and Chavy, or worse, Swisher will be dropped down to seventh. God forbid we have a puncher's chance.
Of course, when there is a problem with the team, Macha makes sure to exacerbate said problem to the best of his abilities. As if the problem itself weren't bad enough, we have to be subjected to Macha's "problem solving" skills, which he apparently honed while earning his engineering degree at Pennsylvania's equivalent of DVC.
Quimby: Keep digging. We're bound to find something!
Quimby: I guess we're not going to find anything.
Otto: Um, how are we going to get out of here?
Homer: We'll dig our way out!
Wiggum: No, dig up, stupid!
Macha is an amalgamation of Homer and Wiggum, for those wondering. As stated before, the team isn't hitting. One such player who isn't hitting is Mark Ellis. So let's take a peek into the brainstorming capabilities of Ken Macha, shall we?
Mark Ellis, who came into the day hitting .189, picked up four hits, including a solo homer off Mark Hendrickson (2-2) in the third. With Ellis slow to get going, A's manager Ken Macha had suggested a day earlier that he might alternate Ellis and Marco Scutaro more often, as he did at the start of last year.
That's just fucking great, Ken. Do you remember what happened last year when you alternated Ellis and Scutaro? That's exactly right, you prolonged the time it took for Ellis to come out of his slump. Just check out Ellis' splits from last year. After a poor April and a relatively pedestrian May that saw Ellis get only 121 at-bats total, he really poured it on after that, increasing his OPS in every month, and for the period of July through September, Ellis was one of the most valuable players in baseball. And the reason it took so fucking long is because you kept insisting that Marco fucking Scutaro, who barely has enough talent for a major league roster, get all sorts of playing time. Let me help you out, Ken: Scutaro sucks. He's not clutch, he can't hit, and he can't field. If Hideki Matsui didn't play defense like a braindead, headless chicken, "Clutcharo" wouldn't exist. Let Ellis play. He's your guy. Give him a day off every now and then, but when you do, play Antonio Perez, who, with his 14 whole at-bats this year, is apparently the 2006 Adam Melhuse.
Ken's "solution" of having Ellis and Scutaro alternate starts is akin to having two cancer patients split the chemotherapy regimen that one such patient will normally undergo. Not only does it not solve any problems, but it actually manages to prolong the agony for each person.
And speaking of cancer's prolonging agony, Macha is still the manager. Unfuckingbelievable.
Look, Ken: Ellis is your guy. Even when he's not hitting, Scutaro isn't hitting either (because Scutaro sucks). And since Ellis is pretty much the best defensive second baseman in the American League (Scutaro sucks at fielding, too), your solution is quite literally the dumbest thing the universe has ever known since the last time you tried your hand at "thinking" (and failed miserably, naturally). So stick with Ellis. Give him his AB's. He'll come out of the slump, and when he does, we're going to have one of baseball's more valuable players on the roster. And even if he never hits like last year again, he's always better than Scutaro. Every day, every second, every game. Scutaro should have probably gotten about 40 at-bats all season. The fact that he has 40 on May 7th is troubling, and only serves to underscore the fact that Ken is a retard.
Anyway, this team has entered its annual May stretch of futility. They had a decent record last year before embarking on an East Coast trip that basically buried them. This team isn't playing well now, and I fully expect the Blue Jays and Yankees to beat us like rented mules, and we'll fall deep into May doldrums for the 49th consecutive year, all the while Ken continues to make small problems exponentially worse by "thinking."