Thursday, April 20, 2006

Macha ist ein Arschloch

On Hitler's birthday, Macha ethnically cleanses the Athletics
"The losing race is the only race," says General Macha.

The Allied Athletic Forces had their hands full today. Just like Germany at two periods in its history, they proved unable to defeat two foes at once, each attacking from a different flank. The Athletics had to deal with the Detroit Tigers launching an offensive from the East, and Ken Macha launching his own offensive from the South (south as in fucking us in the ass). As April is the cruelest month to be fighting two opponents at once, the Athletics, just like Germany at two periods in its history, ended up fighting so poorly and surrendering so readily. The armistice was signed at approximately 3:20 pm on Thursday, April 20, 2006. While all the terms of the agreement have yet to be made available to the media, sources have confirmed that one major concession made by the Athletics is that they have agreed to add one to their ever growing loss column. Analysts are currently debating whether this agreement will be as harmful to the Athletics as the Treaty of Versailles was to Germany; while none are saying that this agreement will be pretty much 100% responsible for another World War, as was the Versailles Treaty, there is much consternation that the fact that General (General Fuck Munch, that is) Macha will not be sent to the Hague to face military tribunals for his war crimes against humanity may eventually lead to a Civil War, as the citizens of Oakland are getting restless that the continued presence of General Macha will only lead to the forced signings of further hindering armistices in the future.

With Lieutenant Street nursing wounds and unable to lead his platoon, Captain Duchscherer was promoted to Commander to lead the troops into the Battle of McAfee. Unfortunately, Captain Duchscherer was unaware of the military cuts forced through by Democratic policy makers who diverted those funds in order to create self-homage libraries in the middle of Bumblefuck Iowa, and the grenades he thought he was firing at the Detroit Tigers turned out instead to be meatballs. Easily absorbed, the Tigers fought back with powerful rocket blasts pelted all over the battlefield. Before anyone had a chance to collect themselves, any advantage the Athletics had was gone, and they were in danger of losing.

Seeing that Captain Duchscherer was unable to handle the responsibilities of his hasty promotion to Battle Commander, the allied forces called on Lance Corporal Saarloos to lead the brave men. Unfortunately, General Macha was aware of their plan, and would not let this happen. Sitting on his own fat ass like the great general he is, Captain Duchscherer was forced to remain on the battlefield with only his meatballs to protect him. Before long, the hometown heroes found themselves on the wrong end of a losing score, and all hope seemed lost. But just then, the tides seemingly turned. As General Macha turned to celebrate the historic day by taking a fat bong rip, the allied forces brought in Lance Corporal Saarloos.

Leaders aren't made, leaders are born. And Saarloos was a born leader. He quickly navigated his way out of the pickle, and when privates first class Chavez and Bradley had opened fire, the Athletics quickly found themselves with newfound hope. And when the Tigers' bullets missed Nick Swisher, the allied forces had the winning man just 180 feet away.

But just then, General Macha sprang into action. His outstanding reconnaissance work had told him that the Athletics had planned to replace private first class Kendall with somebody who could be described as NOT THE WORST FUCKING PLAYER IN THE AMERICAN LEAGUE!!!!, Macha once again made the necessary maneuvers that wouldn't allow that to happen. Private first class Kendall, armed only with a wet noodle, was unable to get the job done. And when civilian Adam Melhuse was quickly finished off, the Battle of McAfee was over, and approximately 83 shellshocked spectators went home unhappy.

Hero is a word that sometimes gets thrown around all willy-nilly. A hero isn't just somebody good with a paintbrush or who can make a mean casserole. A hero is somebody who can singlehandedly change the entire fortunes of war; somebody who can turn the tides all by his lonesome. Somebody who can give hope to the hopeless, pride to the prideless, and losses to those who would otherwise win. And General Ken Macha is a hero. When others thought that there was no way he could stop the insertion of Corporal Saarloos or Private First Class Scutaro into the battle, he did just that. Nobody knows how, and nobody knows why, but he did just that. And singlehandedly, General Macha pinned the loss on the Allied Athletics.

For his efforts, General Macha was awarded the Medal of Asshole at a small ceremony in the parking lot. He has been assigned a security detail due to the large amounts of death threats he is getting. But today, April 20 2006, General Macha singlehandedly put the Oakland Athletics into a concentration camp. He then gassed them and killed them all.

"The losing race is the only race."
-General Ken Macha


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i couldnt sum it up better myself.

Thursday, April 20, 2006 9:40:00 PM  
Blogger The Anti-Blez said...

I don't think it's fair to compare Macha to Hitler.

Macha couldn't even fill Sergeant Schultz's shoes!


Thursday, April 20, 2006 9:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It's a damn insult to all PFC's around the world to refer to Ken Doll as a Private First Class. hg

Thursday, April 20, 2006 10:36:00 PM  
Blogger Ken Arneson said...

Godwin's Law strikes again!

Thursday, April 20, 2006 10:44:00 PM  
Blogger OaklandGabe said...

Please make it stop. I woke up this morning thinking it was all a bad dream, but then I made the mistake of reading the Chronicle. Why has God given A's fans the plague of Macha again, especially after so cruelly ripping my hope away last fall? Is it the internet porn, the wild parties, laughing at Roman's retard jokes? Please deity tell me what I can do to make it stop!

Friday, April 21, 2006 8:23:00 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

Godwins' law is a triumph of mathematical genius. "As time approaches infinity, the chances of something happening grow larger."

Liebniz would be proud.

Friday, April 21, 2006 8:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Jason Kendall led off for the first time this season. Don't everyone get excited at once. The A's faced the lefty Kenny Rogers and Mark Kotsay got the day off. If Kendall remains there, A's fans should revolt. That said, he's no Dan Johnson. " - eric karabell, espn

... i agree with the "A's fans should revolt" bit...

Friday, April 21, 2006 9:53:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wondering if Macha is under orders not to so obviously display lack of confidence in the $11 million dollar man by pinch hitting for him in a game situation?

Friday, April 21, 2006 9:55:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Macha's just a pussy.

He's afraid of Kendall, simple as that. Macha needs to grow some balls and bitch-slap Kendall into the 9 spot. AND not be afraid to pinch-hit for him.

I don't think this has anything to do with Beane.

Friday, April 21, 2006 12:25:00 PM  

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