Shot by Stupid's Arrow
Ah, Valentine's Day; a day when a young man's fancy turns to heart shaped chocolate boxes, 40 dollar rose bouquets, and cubic zirconia (she'll never know). Named after St. Valentine, the patron saint of stupid lineups, Valentine's Day is pretty much the lamest holiday there is. No girls wearing slutty nurse outfits, no candy, no big feasts, no presents, no getting drunk, and no firecrackers. But for baseball fans, Valentine's Day marks the occasion where the spring training reporting date can be referred to in hours instead of days. Soon, the boys of summer will lace up their cleats at their Arizona homes for the first time all season, and our national pasttime will have officially returned.
Unfortunately for Macha, instead of being paid a visit by Cupid, the God of Erotic Love, he was paid a visit by Stupid, the God of.....wait, there is no God. Anyway, Stupid shot Macha approximately 43 times in the face with his arrows of idiocy, and A's fans have to bear that cross. Sure, Macha might have his engineering degree from some second rate school in Pittsburgh, but he's not fooling anybody. It's like when you were a kid watching "Winnie the Pooh" on Saturday morning cartoons, and all you could say was "Give it up, Christopher Robin. You're not fooling anybody. We all know you're fucking that bear." Anyway, it's like that. Macha trying to think is a lot like me trying to come up with a cogent analogy connecting Macha and Valentine's Day; it's just not going to happen. Thankfully, Cupid rhymes with Stupid. I don't know where this post would be without that.
So fellas, whether this Valentine's day finds you alone and sexless, or attached and broke, you can take solace in the fact that Spring Training begins in less than 100 hours, where you will be treated to a month of dumb articles about everybody being in the best shape of their lives, and listen to Robert Buan attempt to only get about 90% of what he says on his broadcasts wrong.
Anyway, love is in the air, people. While we can all hope that Cupid, instead of shooting Macha with an arrow of love, accidentally shoots him with a poison-tipped arrow of death, I think we all know that it's not going to happen. Because this is Valentine's Day, and dreams never come true on Valentine's Day. Unless you're a woman, and you like stuffed animals.
God Damn Macha.