Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Ken Landers

Hi, I'm a transplanted Pittsburgher living in the Bay Area, and unlike one of the commenters on your blog I knew the Pirates would never hire the idiot. They know a wimp when they see one. They knew enough to dump Rincon, who truly has blossomed under Macha's tutelage and conditioning program.

When the Pirates rejected Macha, I celebrated like a fool thinking Macha was out of baseball.
Having been present at both of the recent Angels' celebrations, the news shortly after # 2, that Macha wasn't coming back, was the only solace to the memory of his tenure here.
My rage towards Macha has reached your level. We all know how many games he has and will cost us. From the stupid owner/idiot who thanked Macha for god knows what to Mr. Beane, who brought him back, to Macha himself, I am finding my anger at unprecedented levels.

So a friend of mine asked me tonight if I wanted to go to Opening Night. The choice is either, don't go to any A's games, or go to games, and somehow avoid a jail or prison term by choosing to not run onto the field to bash Macha.

What do you suggest? What are you doing?



You're spot on about Pittsburgh. They don't tolerate wimps. From The Steel Curtain to inner city coal miners, Pittsburgh isn't a city for the weak. I'm sure the Pirates front office got one whiff of Macha's ideas about the batting order or how to complete a sentence, and quickly decided they didn't want that asshole within 2,000 miles of their team. For a franchise that hasn't finished higher than 4th since the turn of the new millenium, I think it's pretty clear that the Pirates are a lot smarter than the A's. Sure, we've got some division titles and playoff appearances since then, but gloating over that fact would be a lot like somebody with terminal cancer doing jumping jacks when their culture test for strep throat came back negative; It's all about the bigger picture. The Pirates told Macha to get the fuck away, and we gave him 2.6 million dollars to ruin our team for the next 3 years. Pittsburgh is most definitely smarter.

And don't beat yourself up for prematurely thinking that Macha was not only out of the A's hair, but out of baseball altogether. Both Roman and I made that mistake as well. It's a lot like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Part II: The Secret of the Ooze. When Casey Jones crushed the Shredder in the dumpster at the end of the first movie, we all went home thinking he had been eliminated. Yet, within the first two minutes of the sequel, Shredder's bruised and battered hand reached the light of day under all that garbage down by the pier. The Turtles' nemesis had returned, just like ours had. You can't kill the undead. The only difference between Macha and a Zombie is that Zombies are much better at articulating and enunciating. The next time Macha gets through a sentence without stumbling like a drunken crack addict will be the first. Marco Scutaro kind of looks like Splinter; I wonder if he has any advice on how to get rid of the asshole. In the first Turtles movie, Splinter merely moved aside and let the Shredder jump off that building. Wouldn't it be cool of Scutaro tossed Macha off the Empire State Building? That would rock. I imagine it would look a little something like this:

I don't know about you, but that's giving me chills.

Anyway, on to your final question, Will. You want to know if you should even bother with Opening Night, because you just know that it's going to end up with Macha singlehandedly ruining the season for us. You said you were there the last two Elimination Days, and got to watch the Angels celebrate on our field. Well, why not go for three? I can certainly understand and appreciate your fatalist attitude. I mean, why bother with existentialism when Macha is just going to fuck it up in the long run? But life is not about the finish line, life is about the chase. "No pain, no gain," right? Just think about how much you've gained these last three years, and you owe it all to Macha. The sports teams I follow are the A's, Niners, and Cal Bears; it doesn't get any more masochistic than that. So bring on the heartbreak, I say. We'll be facing a lefty on opening night; With any luck, Macha will bat Kendall third. It's always a hoot when your third place hitter doesn't even have the ability to hit the ball out of the infield. So go to the game and enjoy it. Buy a $7 beer, fraternize with all the Bay Area Yankees fans, listen to Giambi give a bunch of interviews where he refers to "Mr. Steinbrenner" and "Mr. Torre" and "Mr. Conte" and "Mr. HGH" and "Mr. What happened to my testicles they used to be a lot bigger," and go home with an empty feeling in your stomach when Macha pinch hits Kielty against Farnsworth, and he grounds into a rally killing double play. But most importantly, have fun!

And if you run onto the field and bash Macha in the face, I'll send you a Fire Macha t-shirt when you get out of prison. And I promise we'll do what we can to help raise funds to pay your fine. If the dummies on AthleticsNation were willing to give $5,000 dollars to battered women and neglected children, imagine how much they'll be willing to donate to a cause that is actually worthy? The mind boggles with the possibilities.

Good luck in whatever you decide, Will. I'll be there on April 3rd. Like I said before, I'm a masochist. Hope you'll join me.


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