Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Urbina Outfitters

So I turned on my computer yesterday to get the latest news, and what do I find? A story about how Ugueth Urbina allegedly tried to hack some workers to death with machetes and then set them on fire. And my first reaction was, "Holy shit! That dude is fucked up!" But more importantly, my second thought was, "Let's trade for this dude, and then hire him Johnnie Cochran or something so he can get off." And my third thought should have been "Uh, dude, Johnnie's dead," but I didn't think that. I was just too giddy to be thinking straight.

Here's why I want Urbina on this team: If he's tried to kill once, he'll try to kill again. And who on the team is most likely to be the target of a crazed killer? That's right, the white-haired dipshit. Can you imagine how awesome it would be if you turned on the news one night to see pictures of Macha's charred, decapitated body? I'm pretty sure I would do the Balky Bartokomous 'dance of joy' for the next twelve years. And Urbina's defense would be, "You know, I didn't want to kill him, but he's just so fucking stupid. How is this guy not in an institution?" And I would totally agree with Uggy. I think we would all totally agree with him.

So that's my new plan. I want guys on this team who are likely to go crazy and just start killing people. That's why I'm glad we signed Gerald Perry; maybe he'll punch Macha in the face. I've heard rumors we're trying to trade for Milton Bradley. I say get him. He hasn't killed yet, but there's a first time for everything. OJ is currently unemployed. Sign him up to be the DH. I think it's important we do whatever we can to bring people here who kill, because there's a good chance they'll try to quench their killing thirst by killing Macha first. And that would be a good thing. Nay, a great thing.

Opening up the newspaper to find a headline that reads, "Macha hacked to death and burned to pieces" would be sweeter than yoo-hoo.

And that's my final answer.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

In other news, Ken Macha finished 4th in the AL Manager of the Year voting, further proof that the BBWAA knows baseball about as much as, well, Ken Macha. All in all, the douchebag received 21 points, and even one first-place vote.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 1:57:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Philosophical question of the day: Who's the bigger idiot, Ken Macha or the lone writer who voted him as the first choice for Manager of the Year?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 2:00:00 PM  
Blogger kiwitim said...

Hire me as an attendant and I will take care of that worthless, gray headed, cocksucker myself with something like sulphuric acid, that ought to do it.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 7:40:00 PM  
Blogger kiwitim said...

Adding to the above.....

"Hey Ken, I got some of your favorite gum you like to chew, its a new flavor, its hot and it lasts longer, one stick of gum and you won't need any more"

Wednesday, November 09, 2005 7:42:00 PM  

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