So I turned on my computer yesterday to get the latest news, and what do I find? A story about how Ugueth Urbina allegedly tried to hack some workers to death with machetes and then set them on fire. And my first reaction was, "Holy shit! That dude is fucked up!" But more importantly, my second thought was, "Let's trade for this dude, and then hire him Johnnie Cochran or something so he can get off." And my third thought should have been "Uh, dude, Johnnie's dead," but I didn't think that. I was just too giddy to be thinking straight.
Here's why I want Urbina on this team: If he's tried to kill once, he'll try to kill again. And who on the team is most likely to be the target of a crazed killer? That's right, the white-haired dipshit. Can you imagine how awesome it would be if you turned on the news one night to see pictures of Macha's charred, decapitated body? I'm pretty sure I would do the Balky Bartokomous 'dance of joy' for the next twelve years. And Urbina's defense would be, "You know, I didn't want to kill him, but he's just so fucking stupid. How is this guy not in an institution?" And I would totally agree with Uggy. I think we would all totally agree with him.
So that's my new plan. I want guys on this team who are likely to go crazy and just start killing people. That's why I'm glad we signed Gerald Perry; maybe he'll punch Macha in the face. I've heard rumors we're trying to trade for Milton Bradley. I say get him. He hasn't killed yet, but there's a first time for everything. OJ is currently unemployed. Sign him up to be the DH. I think it's important we do whatever we can to bring people here who kill, because there's a good chance they'll try to quench their killing thirst by killing Macha first. And that would be a good thing. Nay, a great thing.
Opening up the newspaper to find a headline that reads, "Macha hacked to death and burned to pieces" would be sweeter than yoo-hoo.
And that's my final answer.