Thursday, November 24, 2005

Thanks For Nothing, You Damn Turkey

I'd like to take a moment to wish a happy thanksgiving to everybody in this world that is not Ken Macha. Even vegetarian animal rights activists can agree on the fact that Macha is one turkey who deserves to be slaughtered, skinned, baked, basted, and carved on a dinner table next to those giant ostentacious squash decorations that everybody gets. But I digress. Today is a day of remembrance where white people such as myself like to take a moment and give thanks for the fact that it was so easy to get the damn Indians off our land that we rightfully stole from them. I mean, if they were going to complain about us burning down all their little Indian villages during and after the Revolutionary War, what did they expect was going to happen?

"Trail of tears? Not for us, it wasn't"
-Andrew Jackson

Anyway, the point is that sometimes in order to truly understand another person's or people's plight, you have to spend some time walking in their shoes. And for the last three years, A's fans have been playing the part of the Native Americans while Ken Macha has been slaughtering our season while still collecting the benefits of being a major league manager and drawing a large paycheck. The Cherokee were forced to live with the reality that their new home was Arkansas, and A's fans are forced to live with the reality of second place in perpetuity. Personally, I'd rather have my entire family murdered and displaced than have to live with one more second of Macha as a manager, but unfortunately, I don't get to make that decision. Just as the Indians were powerless to stop the agression of the white man, I am powerless to remove Ken Macha from his post as A's manager. If you ask me, the Indians got off easy.

But anyway, on the media driven creation of parades and lost productivity that is Thanksgiving, let's stop and take a moment to give thanks for what is actually good:

1) The annual Macha-led September collapse is still more than 9 months away.
2) It will be over 4 months before Kendall, batting leadoff, weakly grounds to third in a game that counts in the standings
3) Bobby Crosby has gone almost 3 entire months without breaking a bone.
4) It's been well over 6 weeks since Macha singlehandedly lost a game for us.
5) In about a month, I get to see my friend's mom (age 51), who is still one of the hottest women on the planet. His sister, too.
6) The number of automatic double play makers in our lineup next year will be halved on day's when Kielty isn't playing against a right handed pitcher.
7) For about the next 16 weeks, Macha can schedule his naps from 7pm-10pm all he wants, and it won't bother me.

See? There's a lot of good in this world; all you have to do is take the time and look for it. Ken Macha may be to managing what Gigli was to movies, but in the month of November, I'm not going to let it bother me. And that's what Thanksgiving is all about.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!


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