Saturday, October 22, 2005

No disassemble...number 5 alive

Roman's idea about Bobby's idea got me thinking: I should make a list too. But not about prospects, unless it's about the prospects of idiotic lineups and September chokejobs for the next 3 years (the prospects of which are almost certain, btw). Nay, my list will attempt to follow the trail of blame that led to one Kenneth Edward Macha's unwanted and tragic return to our beloved Athletics. Because it's sure as hell somebody's fault, and this list will attempt to pinpoint who. So check back each day as we count down to the person or persons who are most at fault for the dipshit's return.

Without further adieu (it's French.....bitch), I give you the 5th most reponsible parties for Macha's return:

Mr. and Mrs. Macha



Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Macha certainly played a large role in Macha's return. Sometime in late January, 1950, Mr. Macha put on his ten gallon hat, grabbed his shovel, and dragged his ugly wife out to the back shed deep in the Pennsylvania moonlight where they performed the Macha-rena until sunup. It was a beautiful ceremony, complete with pelvic thrusts, deep, guttural moans and lovemaking...but enough about Mr. Macha and the sheep. Somewhere, someway, and somehow, Mrs. Macha got pregnant, and eventually the little asshole squirted out of her pooterang, ready to release death, mayhem and destruction upon the world, the likes of which we've never seen before.

Actually, now that I think about it, it probably wasn't late January, it was more like late May, because a kid as fucking dumb as Macha HAD to have been premature. And likely missing a few chromosomes (like, uh, say, the chromosome that lets you make proper lineups). There's really no other explanation.

While there is generally no way for a pregnant woman and her husband to determine before the birth that a child will be evil, and yes, every parent dreams of greatness for his or her child while they're still in the womb, but in this case, there were signs. The sonogram revealed a fetus more devil than human, and during the pregnancy, a bunch of sounds like that weird girl in the Exorcist made were emanating from Mrs. Macha's stomach (Remember when she did the crabwalk backwards down the stairs? That shit was freaky). Would it have been all that difficult to grab a bottle of Wild Turkey and a coat-hanger and perform a pre-emptive strike on the little bastard? I don't think it would have been too much to ask. And, failing that, you could have had Robert Patrick kill him when he was 12 years old, before he was able to do any real harm, other than stealing money from the ATM machine. But that's neither here nor there. Well, it's sort of here, but not really there.

Anyway, for your transgressions upon society, Mr. and Mrs. Macha, you two are the 5th most responsible people for Macha's return. Fuck you both. Your penalty? Death. Unless you're already dead. In which case.....good. May God Shamgod have mercy on your soul.

4 Comments:

Blogger morancito said...

This shit's good. Why hadn't I been told about this blog?

Saturday, October 22, 2005 11:14:00 AM  
Blogger Greg said...

news takes longer to get to third world countries. hfg

Saturday, October 22, 2005 11:34:00 AM  
Blogger morancito said...

LO!!!

Why does Beane, who is brilliant in almost every aspect of general managing, is so fucking dumb when it comes to choosing the right manager for this team? I mean, there's absolutely no defense against Howe's staying too long and Macha's being resigned

Saturday, October 22, 2005 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Pa Macha has no blame in all this. I'll bet one of the goats in the shack was the one who actually knocked up Ma Macha that night...

Saturday, October 22, 2005 3:46:00 PM  

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