Sunday, October 16, 2005

Let's get to know: Ken Macha


Everywhere Macha goes, his teams disappoint, underachieve, and just plain don't meet expectations. His resume is chalk full of a lot of nothing. He's never been a part of anything special, nor has he ever led anything anywhere. Basically, he's your garden variety loser.


Ken Macha has been a manager or bench coach since 1995. He has been apart of 7 playoff teams. 3 as a manager in the RedSox organization, 3 as a bench coach with the A's, and 1 as the A's manager.

Let's take a look at his history, shall we?

1995: Lose in 1st round to Reading Phillies
1996: Lose in 1st round to Harrisburg Senators
1997: Lose in 1st round to Rochester RedWings
2000: Lose in 1st round to New York Yankees
2001: Lose in 1st round to New York Yankees
2002: Lose in 1st round to Minnesota Twins
2003: Lose in 1st round to Boston Red Sox

Hmm....anybody noticing a pattern here? Let's face it, the man is a born loser, and he'll always be a loser. 7 trips to the playoffs, 0 playoff series victories. You think that's a coincidence? Let me assure you, it isn't. An organization is only as strong as its weakest member, and since I'm pretty damn sure Macha has always been every organization's weakest member everywhere he's gone (and God help those organizations that had somebody weaker), it's not a coincidence that all those organizations were pretty god damn weak.

In 1997, after losing 6 of his 7 playoff games, he was promoted to be the manager of the Pawtucket RedSox (the Dilbert Principle at work), Boston's AAA affiliate. He had inherited a team that had lost in the 1st round of the playoffs the year before he became manager. His first season, he guided them to another 1st round exit. The next season after that, under his stewardship, they missed the playoffs altogether.

Sound familiar?

Well, it should. Losers generally develop a pattern of losing, and that's exactly what this loser has done. It's a predictable pattern of underachieving to which you can set your watch. Do you think it's a coincidence that you can accurately predict an idiotic move that Macha is going to make 3 innings in advance, and then when he actually makes the idiotic move, all you can do is bury your head in your hands and do that half-laugh/half-cry thing that A's fans have gotten so good at? No, you're not clairvoyant, and it's not a coincidence. Macha is a loser. He always has been, and he always will be. The A's will never do anything meaningful under his watch. This isn't a prediction, it's a fact. The A's are losers because they get it from Macha.

And one last thing before I go: In 1992, Macha was a bullpen coach for the then California Angels (or, if you're Joe Morgan, current California Angels). In May of that year, the team bus crashed.

Coincidence?

Nope.

My sources tell me that the bus driver asked Macha to hold the wheel steady while he tied his shoes, but then Macha fell asleep and the bus skidded off the 405 and crashed into a family of gophers, killing them all instantly. An autopsy was performed, and it was determined that Macha is completely without discernable brain activity.

See what I mean? Macha's a loser.

And a moron.

And I hate him.

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