Wednesday, October 26, 2005

#4: In God We're Fucked

In our continuing series to determine who is responsible for the soul-crushing return of Ken Macha (the first installement can be found here), we present to you number 4 on the list: God.

Yes, God. When I was an adolescent, I used to not believe in God. After examining all of the scientific evidence available pointing to God being a result of the overactive imaginations of idiots, and being appalled at the lack of evidence in favor of a God's existence, I determined that he was merely a figment of somebody's imagination, and his existence in perpetuity could be best explained by the fact that it allowed people to exploit and control people without the ability to think for themselves.

But not anymore. It's clear that there is a God, and that he is pure evil. Vengeful. Sadistic. Spiteful. Hateful. The list goes on and on. There is a God, and he is a worthless knobgobbler.

Stan: We're "La Resistance," we want to save Terrance and Phillip and stop the war and stuff.
The Mole: I can't help you. I'm grounded in my room for the next three days.
Kyle: So are we. Our parents think we're home right now.
Stan: Why are you grounded?
The Mole: Why? Because God hates me, that's why. He has made my life miserable. So I call him a cock-sucking asshole, and I get grounded.


God is responsible for so much pain and suffering on this earth. He's given us plagues, genocides, starvation, disease and suffering. And worst of all, he gave us Ken Macha. God is smart, yes. I'll give him that. He knows what he's doing. He knew that Macha would eventually torment me and ruin my life to the point of suicide, so he made Macha the A's manager. And you know what? It has come dangerously close to working. Every time I see Rincon pitching to 12 righties in a row, or Hatteberg up with a runner on 1st and 1 out (goodbye, inning), I think about hopping in the tub, slitting my wrists, and letting the pain go away slowly, softly.....

But I don't. I keep thinking that there's light at the end of the tunnel. "Tomorrow's a new day," I say to myself. "Melhuse will certainly be in the lineup; After all, Hatte's 0 for his last 52." And then invariably, the next day, there's Hatteberg, batting cleanup, all the while Macha chews his gum, not knowing what's going on, and up above God sits on his cloud (his EVIL cloud), and laughs at me. He laughs sinister-ly. What a fucking bastard.

What do you want from me, God? You win, ok? I surrender. I apologize for playing Gideon Bible hackey-sack on the 9th grade band manly mc-man trip. And then again in 11th grade. And 12th. I no longer will doubt your existence in front of others. You exist, and you are a fuckstick. An evil fuckstick.

So please, God, I'm begging you. Make Billy fire Macha. I don't ask for much (ok, I do, but you don't give me much....actually, you don't give me anything). I'll never ask for anything ever again (since it's clear that I won't be sleeping with my friend's mom anytime soon....you asshole) if you can just give me this.

You want off this list, you get Macha fired. What? Yeah, that's a threat, buddy. Do it, or I will continue to make fun of Jars of Clay and your stupid little son (What the hell kind of name is Jesus?) for the rest of my life. And when I die, Satan and I will team up to take you down.

Oh, you're going down, God. Yes you are. You're going down.

In summation, God is number 4 on the list.

5 Comments:

Anonymous jmoney said...

Truly an inspired entry, and I agree on all counts.

Saturday, October 29, 2005 4:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You guys are fucking morons....probably a bunch of techies who are fat and non-athletic. You clowns couldn't even manage a the drive-thru at Taco Bell. The worst thing about freedom of speech is that little pussies like you guys hide behind your computer and send trash talking blogs from fiber optic miles away.

Monday, October 31, 2005 8:43:00 AM  
Blogger Roman said...

anonyomous said....

The worst thing about freedom of speech is that little pussies like you guys hide behind your computer and send trash talking blogs from fiber optic miles away.


Ohhhh, the irony.

Monday, October 31, 2005 3:13:00 PM  
Blogger Joe Speaker said...

Roman is definitely fat and non-athletic, but I'm certain he isn't a techie. Hell, he doesn't even speak Spanish!

I'm still down with God, though.

Monday, October 31, 2005 4:49:00 PM  
Blogger Roman said...

Non-athletic? Dude, I got fourth at state.

Monday, October 31, 2005 5:40:00 PM  

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