Sunday, October 30, 2005

#3: The Mailman and The Wolff

In our continuing series of determining who is responsible for the worst injustice ever committed, and we're talking about Ken Macha's rehiring, for those of you who have been living in a cave, which is not coincidentally where I wish Macha were living, unless it were the Cave of Fun or something. I'd only support Macha living in a cave if it were the Cave of Death and Torture. Anyway, parts 4 and 5 can be found here and here.

The 3rd most responsible party for Macha's return is a tie. As many of you know, one of the main reasons Macha tucked his tail between his legs and crawled back was because of a letter of thanks he received from Oakland owner Lewis Wolff. Casting aside for a moment that the letter was probably about as sincere as the thank you notes your parents made you write as a kid thanking your Grandma for the great sweater she got you for Christmas, we nonetheless can't ignore the profound effect it had. Therefore, the 3rd most responsible party for Macha's return is the mailman who delivered the letter that was written, and the asshole who wrote it.

The Mailman:

Yes, the Mailman: Typically, these government employees are pretty pathetic people. High school dropouts who will mace your dog for nothing, and we won't even get into how they often go crazy and start shooting everybody. Unfortunately, the transgression committed by whichever postal employee was working the Murrysville, Pennsylvania route on or about Tuesday, October 11 is unforgiveable. I mean, it certainly would have been great if the Mailman could have gone postal and shot Macha in the face or something, but at the very least, did you HAVE to deliver the letter? You couldn't shove it down the storm drain, or set it on fire or something? Your average mailman usually only delivers about half of the letters he gets, and sadly, this letter was one of those "lucky" 50% that reached its intended target.

So thanks a lot, Mr. Mailman. Because the ONE time you decided to do your job, it ended up severly fucking an entire baseball organization for AT LEAST the next three years. Neither rain nor hail nor sleet nor snow can make you do your job well, but of all the letters that actually make it to their recipients, THIS had to be one of them? What are the fucking odds? So wipe that smile off your face, because if I ever find out who you are, it's curtains for you, Maildude. Why oh why couldn't you be more like this mailman?

The Newman:

Wherefore art thou, Newman?

He was never big on creeds.

The Wolff:

Mr. Lewis Wolff, you are being held responsible for Macha's return. Don't give me any of this shit that you were trying to be polite by adhering to one of society's archaic unwritten rules. Because the only rule to which you should adhere is this: Don't write thank you notes to retards.

You should have known that Macha and his staggeringly infintessimal IQ would take it literally, and use it as a reason to beg for his old job back. You have to know he'd be like, "Hey Billy, I got this letter......duuuuhhhhh" and that it could somehow lead to Macha's unwanted return...which it did.

So this is partly your fault, Wolff. We were willing to forgive you and your 1.5 billion dollar ownership group for not actually investing in the team any more than the previous cheapass owners did, and we'll probably forgive you when your stadium efforts fail and you move the team to Vegas, but this....this is unforgiveable. This.....there is no going back from this. What's done is done, and you are part of the reason we will get to watch Anaheim celebrate on our field for at least the next 3 years. You've really fucked us, Lew. You've really fucked us good.

So Mr. Wolff, how about this: In the future, whenever you get an inclination to write a letter?



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