He Finally Made a Macha out of Us
First things first. Yes, I know that's a gorilla. Google didn't have any good monkey pictures, but seriously, outside of anthropologists and fags, does anybody really give a shit? Well fuck you, too.
Anyway, the season is over. After watching the Los Analess Anals of Assaheim celebrate on our field for the second year in a row, the boys in green and gold will once again be home for the playoffs, and we have Macha to blame. My esteemed colleague has already gone over the Septembers to Dismember, but I'd just like to point out that at least under Howe, we saved our chokes until October.
Did anybody else get a chuckle over the fact that Macha FINALLY took Hatteberg out of the lineup last night? The guy is 4 for his last 45. He's got a .684 OPS for the season, which makes him the 4th worst hitter in the American League. His last 3 months have seen him post OPS' of .671, .632, and .545. And he's our DH. Designated hitter? More like designated shitter! HA! And Macha refused to take him out of the lineup until the season was basically over. 60% of his 453 AB's came from either the 4th or 5th spot in the lineup. And you wonder why this team struggled to consistently score runs? Yeah, me neither.
Oh, and good call starting Joke Ennedy (copyright Stewiee, 2005) last night. It's not like it was a must win or anything. It's not like one more loss and we'd have been eliminated from playoff contention or anything. It's not like Rich Harden threw 2 perfect innings last night, his final pitched clocked at 100 mph or anything. It's not like he was more than capable of doing better than the 3 inning, 4 run performance from Joke Ennedy that WE ALL SAW COMING. Except you of course, Ken. In the most important games and important spots, you go with the scrubs of the team. God you are such a fucking moron. Don't you see that putting in the losers during crunch time is one of the many things you do that cost us games? And seasons? Idiot.
Oh, and awesome call not pinch running for Melhuse last night. In 2001, Derek Jeter collected an errant throw and flipped it to Jorge Posada to nail Jeremy Giambi at the plate, in a play that I believe ESPN may have shown one or two times since then. Ok, Giambi was safe, and the ump blew the call. So what? Giambi shouldn't have been on the bases in the first place. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, "Eric Byrnes would have been sipping gatorade in the dugout by the time Jeter made that flip." And you were there, Ken. You watched it from the bench. Well, actually, you were probably asleep at the time, but you should have read about it in the papers. And last night, you did the exact same fucking thing. Slow-footed Melhuse on the bases, fleet-footed Bynum on the bench. Swisher doubles, Melhuse held at third. Bynum would have scored on the play. Melhuse (shockingly) was left stranded. We lost the game by one run. Nice job, Ken. That lesson learning thing is one your most admirable traits.
But the Macha countdown now stands at 5 games. 5 more meaningless games, and then he's gone. And we can celebrate. No more Macha business. Macha see, Macha not do. Brass Macha. That chalka Macha. Ok, no more. 2004 and 2005 are done. But 2006 will be a Macha-free year.
He made a Macha-ry of the past. But he won't do it to the future. And thank fucking God for that.
In summation, Macha is a fucking asshole.