Saturday, July 02, 2005

Oh Gum All Ye Faithful


The team can do no wrong. 8 straight victories. The starting pitching over the last 13 games has compiled a remarkable 1.43 ERA. Offense averaging 6 runs per game. And yeah, it should be 13 straight wins, but as long as Macha is the manager, get used to giving games away. Last night, Macha decided to use Street for the 2nd consecutive game; for the 2nd consecutive 4-run game. If this means that Street is unavailable for both today AND tomorrow, then perhaps Roman's jihad idea should be moved from the fantastical to the realistical. Thinking ahead isn't exactly Macha's strong suit. Actually, thinking isn't exactly Macha's strong suit. Descartes once wrote "I think, therefore I am." Does Macha think? I think not. Therefore, he is not. What I'm trying to say is fuck that guy.

But I digress. I want to take this opportunity to discuss the single biggest thing I hate about Ken Macha - his infernal and interminable gum chewing. Seriously, Ken. What is the big fucking deal with all the gum? Chewing gum is all you ever do. I have a toaster that looks less robotic than you. Actually, I don't. But I wish I had a toaster. It's just not the same when you broil bread in the oven. Close, but not quite as good. Somebody buy me a toaster. Anyway, for the last 2 years and 3 months, the constant gum chewing has been the only clue that you're awake on the bench. Unless you've learned to chew in your sleep, which wouldn't surprise me. Lay off the god damn gum, Ken. It makes me hate you even more than I already do. Our starter could be in the middle of a meltdown, where say, out of a 7 batter stretch in the 5th inning, he walks three, records an out, gives us three straight singles, and the camera will focus in on Gumboy, chewing his gum, up and down, up and down, while he LEAVES IN THE FUCKING STARTER to give up a game-breaking HomeRun to Carlos Beltran. Hope the gum's still juicy, Ken.

So Ken, I'm begging you. Give up the god damn gum chewing. It's quite obvious you can't manage and chew gum at the same time. So quit it. I hate it. And I hate you. And now I hate gum. I've never really been a big gum chewer, but then again, I'm not a 13 year old girl in the 7th grade. But now you've made me hate gum. So thank you for that. God help you if you ever ruin pizza for me.

Fucking gum chewing asshole.

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